Topic ID: 30025
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Jaliayh101
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Mar 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 21
300 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: Screaming your name |
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Why did you have to go
Got me left on my o-o-o-o-o-own.
You said you'll be here forever (ever)
until we're gray and o-o-o-o-old. (oh yeah)
Why did you lie
You make me wanna cry
AND SCREAM YOUR N-A-A-AME!!!! (lift voice higher)
The world won't be the same
So take my hand
Ask to be my friend
Start it all ove-e-e-e-r
So I can scream your name
You got me in such pain
Why did you have to take my love away
O-o-oh, you took my heart and broke it in two
What am I to do
When I'm screaming your name
The world won't be the same
So take my ha-a-and
And Ask to be my friend
Start it all ove-e-e-e-r (Start it all over)
So I can scream your name
Cause the world won't be the same
So why can't you take my hand
And ask to be my friend
Oh, we can start all over baby (baby)
When I scream your name
The world won't be the same
So why can't you.......take my ha-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-nd. Baby!!! Oh-oh-oh-oh-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. |
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Monki
loves you!
Novelist
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Posts: 495
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Country: Somewhere Between Adulthood and Childhood
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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Lmao. Um... not really a big fan... That "o-o-o-o's", etc... are kind of... unnecessary. It would be much better and taken more seriously if you just wrote the word regularly.
And secondly, this was a tad too short to be a song. Unless you meant this to only be one part of a song. Because I sang this to myself (I kind of figured out the rhythm myself) and it's not even a minute long. It's under one minute.
But, on the bright side, you have a good idea for a song... It just needs some... TLC!!!!!!  Have fun with it. Work on it. PM me if you edit it.
<3,
Monki |
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Shine
Do I've a crush or an orange crush?
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 956
Reviews: 357
Country: India
407 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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As Monki pointed out I felt that "o-o-o-o" parts were not necessary.And that its too short to be a lyrical one.But if I forget about it being a lyric and look at it then yes I did like it.It has a nice get-up.
As you call it a lyric perhaps you should add a chorous part or something that way I think it will make the thing long and nice!
good job in anyway!
~Shine~ |
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Summerless
Senior Writer
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Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Shine and Monki. Take out the whole lot of 'o-o-o' parts in the last line of the poem.
Also, like my Shadow and me... said, try to add in parts that make up the basic structure of a lyric. (a.k.a. verse 1, chorus, verse 2, chorus, bridge, chorus, etc). Even though some people believe there is no definite structure, you should try to maintain at least a chorus to make this song stand out.
Hope this helps,
Summerless <3~ |
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cookie_pirate
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 19 May 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 3
Country: Philippines
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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I believe that mostly all the songs have parts like what Summerless said.
And that I find this lyric a bit jumbly for it's somehow going on around back on the first part because of the "So why can't you take my hand and ask me to be your friend."
You could start with verse one which then talks about what you're feeling, on how the happiness/tradegy happened. Of course you should be descriptive too. On the chorus, it's the catchiest part of the lyric that's why most people remember the chorus parts of all the songs they hear over the radio. On the next verse, you could then talk about what happened after the happenings on verse 1 or what to do on the future.
Lyrics really should not have a lot of "o-o-o"s and "a-a-a"s. A few would do and perhaps you could make this lyric a bit longer for it's very short. |
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secondchoice
New Member
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 May 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 12:46 am Post subject: |
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the idea that you are sad about him leaving you is clear but you say you just want to be friends but then you say things like
So take my ha-a-and
Start it all ove-e-e-e-r
so it makes me think you want to have him go out with you again
so that thought isn't clear |
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