I am now on a crossroad. I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in faith, I don’t believe in relationships… I’m so exhausted from that relationship. I’m so faithless because of that relationship. I’m so not me now. I’m so not a kid… I’m everything else but a kid. My life seems ruined. And this is the crossroad I was telling you about in chapter 1. Maybe you think the decision is easy, but it is not. I have spent 2 years and 2 months with that person and I’m totally used to him and even to our scandals. I’m used to his rudeness, I’m used to him yelling at me, I’m used to himself…I’m not sure if it is love anymore. How am I supposed to know? This is my crossroad…This is my dilemma.

And I am a teenager (can you tell that???) I’m so alone in my own world. I don’t have many friends like I used to before. I go out less. I am depressed more often than I used to be before. My greatest love turned into my greatest disappointment. My feelings are so hard to express. My world is so confused. My mind is so messed up.

I have lost myself somewhere in these 2 years with Nedelin. I have lost my passion for life. Somewhere back then I was quite a good writer. I loved writing love poems and essays. Now I pretty much hate it. It makes me depressed and lonely. I’m with Ned and I am lonely? Can I be in love with him and lonely at the same time??? So many questions and no one can answer them  I feel like my life can’t be better. Can it?

I think my childish emotions are gone far away and I can never get them back.

Alexander Dumas Son once wrote: The love is war between women and men, women should protect themselves in the beginning, and men should protect themselves in the end.

The truth is I never learnt how to protect myself. I was always the little girl listening to Ned. I have never been the strong person in our relationship. He was always the right one. I just couldn’t ever oppose to him.

You now see what’s like to be me  So confused…

However this is only the beginning of my difficult life and I am sure I will have more moments like this one. Anyway this is my most serious dilemma and its solution is essential for me. Old people say that the difficulties make us stronger but why am I so weak then?  Why I close myself into my own crazy, lonely, sad world? Again so many questions and I can’t answer any of them? Is it actually so hard just to decide? Do I love him or he is my habit? Marty, just say YES or No…. It is not so difficult GOD DAMN… Then why can’t I decide? WHY? It is late in the evening right now and my mind is so tired, it was really a long exhausting day in writing and self-understanding. (Blank) … (still wondering something)

You know what just happened? Ned was outside my door. For the first time I didn’t accept his invitation for going out. I told him I don’t want to go out right now and we need to talk. He is very irritable person and he started yelling at me. He told me again that we are done. But I’m sure it is the serial time when he tells me that. Will he call me tomorrow? Of course he will, but only if he is not so stubborn and proud as usual! Did I tell you he’s very proud and never step back? Yes, he is just like that. How could I love such kind of man? I will find out and then I will find the answer to my thousands questions…