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OverEasy
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: Them |
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So this was a class project, write a poem containing the media and people. It's due monday so if you guys could give me a little feed back before I throw it into the lions den of my class that would be great!
Stupid little worms,
that’s what they really are.
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends.
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free?
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea.
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue.
My head pulsates from the incessant drabble
spilling from the holes in their faces.
One simple idea of their own impossible
as the blue screen fills their heads with
the way things should be done.
The way things should be seen.
The news fills with stories
of the children of today.
One has beaten another in
a locker room, the whole thing
caught on tape!
Posted for the world to see
on youtube of all things.
Is this the future of this world? |
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Last edited by OverEasy on Fri May 09, 2008 1:35 am; edited 2 times in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:33 pm Post subject: |
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This is probably the most true poem there could ever be. Heck, I don't think that anything this... uh... what's the word... this clear could've been written. Especially by you. 
It's not really a poem... I mean, it looks like one. There is a sort of a rythm... never mind. It is a poem. But... it's just so good! I don't know what to tell you.
| Quote: |
Stupid little worms,
that’s what they all are, |
Although this is perfect on its own, I stumbled on it. I couldn't read the last line. lol. How about
| Quote: |
Stupid little worms,
that's what all they really are. |
And yes, I changed the comma at the end to a period. Capitalize the next line.
That's the only imperfection I found.
Fantastic!
-Jared |
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Rickage
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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This is rally good, Tiff. I love how true this is. You don't have a lot of rythm in this, but it's really excellent. I love how you described certain tradigies going on in the world, and how people can be affected without actually having to go through that. Very good job. I hope you get a good grade on this Monday. Keep it up.
-Rick. |
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Flemzo
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: Re: Them |
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Excellent, excellent! Nothing like social commenary on mindless drones. I loved the imagry you had here. I noticed a few puncuation things, minor really, but there's one that's glaring.
| OverEasy wrote: |
...the way things should be done.
The way things should be seen. |
The second line is a sentence fragment. I'd suggest a comma after "done" in the line before it, because I think it's part of that clause.
Other than that, absolutely amazing. If I didn't have less than 20 days left of school, I'd print it off and hang it up in my locker.
Thanks for sharing!
kf |
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Meshugenah
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: |
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Ok! First issue I have is the rhythm. You said you wanted it that way, some, which is understandable. So! My other peeves? Punctuation and word choice, mostly.
Stupid little worms,
that’s what they really are.
ok, I like the beginning -- make a statement.
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends.
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free?
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea.
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue.
My head pulsates from the incessant drabble
spilling from the holes in their faces.
This section is mostly a list of grievances, but no "oomph" behind it. Especially as you've classified this as "dramatic" is won't fly (maybe a misclassification? It's dramatic subject matter, but not form, so much). I would cut to just a few favorite lines, or none at all. Also, I love the line I highlighted in blue, but the lines leading up could be stronger. You want to convey the idea of someone spewing other's ideas, right? You almost could state that, and lead into that line, or take that line, and the one preceding, and end with that idea. It's too cool to take out either way.
One simple idea of their own impossible << Good idea, but I'm not convinced of the placement, or the wording.
as the blue screen fills their heads with
the way things should be done. I love these two lines
The way things should be seen.
The news fills with stories
of the children of today.
One has beaten another in
a locker room, the whole thing
caught on tape!
Ok. The first line you don't need, you have a more powerful pair of lines above it, don't take away from that! Then, if I may take the liberty? I have an idea. Take the other two lines, lead with them. Then, instead of telling the next few lines, show a bit more! Here's what I came up with as an example real quick-like:
The news fills with stories
of the children of today.
You beat me, I beat you
the camera blinks
and the staff doesn't see
too busy over morning coffee.
Do you see what I mean? It engages more when you show more! Just like in prose writing!
Posted for the world to see
on youtube of all things.
Is this the future of this world?
Stick with the last line for sure, and if I may? I slight rewording of the two lines preceding:
Posted on YouTube
for all to see.
Maybe? Also, the repetition of "world" is too much, so nix the second one, I think.
Ok! I'm not entirely sure I've made sense (I am really rusty, here! Forgive me?) If you have any questions at all, please please PM me! More than happy to help (and er, explain myself if I haven't done so!).
Bek |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! Don't be afraid to ask for critiques. That's what I'm here for! 
However, I don't think I can top Mesh's awesome crit there. 
| Quote: |
Stupid little worms, [dash instead]
that’s what they really are. [dash instead]
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends. |
The phrase that's what they really are is kind of an aside note and therefore gets dashes on either side of it. We don't like sentence fragments either, so we'll make this an entire sentence. ^_^
| Quote: |
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free?
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea. |
Haha!
| Quote: |
Self-centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue. |
That simile is great. 
| Quote: |
One simple idea of their own impossible
as the blue screen fills their heads with
the way things should be done. [comma instead]
The way things should be seen. |
I stumbled over this one. I don't think it's quite a full sentence. The first line was more the culprit than the other two. Reword this a bit more so it makes some sense.
| Quote: |
One has beaten another in
a locker room, the whole thing
caught on tape!
Posted for the world to see
on youtube of all things. |
That underlined phrase can be in parentheses or in dashes. It depends on your style of writing, but it should be placed as an aside note like that so that this whole part can be one sentence -- grammatically speaking.
One has beaten another in
a locker room (The whole thing was
caught on tape!),
[posted for the world fo see
on YouTube of all things.
Or
One has beaten another in
a locker room -- the whole thing
caught on tape --
posted for the world to see
on YouTube of all things.
I do think this drags on longer than it should, though. Mesh threw out some good pointers here, so I won't go on about it. I just wanted to make those punctuation suggestions. ^^ If you plan to do the parentheses with that exclamation point, make it a complete sentence like I did; otherwise, no exclamamation point.
| Quote: |
| Is this the future of this world? |
I really liked this ending. Make sure the poem dramatically leads up to this because this is really good, but if the rest doesn't straighten up into the dramatic poetry you want it to, then this won't have such an affect on readers.
Overall, this was very good. Good luck with your assignment (I'm sure you'll do fine!), and PM me with any questions or comments.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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thething912
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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| There are a lot of people in today’s world that are extremely stupid and lack the ability to think. They have no idea what the consequences of their action are. I believe they are called twits or fools. |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, sorry to be harsh but 'so!' we all know this. We want to be interested not read some contrived poem about the problems of the world, unless you write it originally. The merits of this was mentioning YouTube which is very original. Now you need to think. How to say something that's been said so many times before:
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Stupid little worms,
that’s what they really are. (Seems less angry... like you held back the indignation.)
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around, (Fuzzy... nah. It's not the right word. And also sheep is such a huge cliche for conforming. Why not say Lemmings?)
following the trends. (Give us examples here to overall strengthen the feeling.)
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free? (I see so much potential in this one bit. All in italics a ton of stuff in a list for examples.) |
| Quote: |
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea. (Why? Show us why it's so hard for them to think for themselves)
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew (LMAO, this made me for a moment think of YWS, comments Not strong enough in this context try insults or jaded comments.)
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue. (Love this imagery)
My head pulsates from the incessant drabble (Pulsates? Hmm... no... pulsates is like say a Mushroom about to send off spores. Wrong word.
spilling from the holes in their faces. (Holes... Again, try craters, like all the plastic surgery... or even better scars... to hint at plastic surgery!.  )
One simple idea of their own impossible
as the blue screen fills their heads with (That's to do with movies, maybe change it to TV rather than movie. Since TV has all that garbage like BB.)
the way things should be done. (Show us what it says.) |
| Quote: |
The way things should be seen.
The news fills with stories (News has a capital.)
of the children of today.
One has beaten another in
a locker room, the whole thing
caught on tape!
Posted for the world to see
on youtube of all things.
Is this the future of this world? (HJmm you have this big rant then just end so dismally so pathetically. Such a big build up and that. Try put so much rage into the last bit) |
Overall: A very good poem with some work and quite original, which is hard considering the clichness of topic. Just work on showing more. I really hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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I like it so far!
"little comments spew from their mouths
like vomit of the tongue."
I'd move this line break to be like so.
Good, good! I think it should be well accepted by your class! I didn't see much wrong with it other than a line break which just bugged me. Haha. Good luck!
~Yoyo  |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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Yes. It is the future of the world. -____-
Great poem, I loved it. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know if you've heard this before, but your writing is strangely addictive. It wanted...no demanded to be read. That is a VERY good thing.
So I loved this. The imagery was amazing, and your descriptions were just about enough, not too shouty, and not to vague. We needed to be told the story, and yet I have to dissagree with Vernon when I say that I thought you showed it well.
I liked this:
| Quote: |
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends. (However, to give it a little more meaning- what trends?) |
But less on the structure. More on the theme. You made me feel what you were trying to say. I cared. You obviously cared when you wrote it. That shows, and almost shines through the words. The media is a dangerous (alas, esstential) part of our lives. Good one you for writing about it.
Oh, and I hope you do well in class!
Eimear |
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LunaBuna43
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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Wow OverEasy....
This was great!
| Quote: |
Stupid little worms,
that's what they really are.
Pathetic fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends.
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free?
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea.
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue. |
That was my favorite part...the beginning always seems to stick in poetry but this one was great!!
Also, it might be better to add a bit more puntuation...just saying.... |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
Stupid little worms,
that’s what they really are.
Pathetic [comma] fuzzy sheep parading around,
following the trends.
Why form their own opinions
when the media hands them out for free?
Thinking for themselves is a preposterous idea.
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue. [Do you need "of the tongue"?]h
My head pulsates from the incessant drabble
that spilling spills from the holes in their faces.
One simple idea of their own impossible
as the blue screen fills their heads with
the way things should be done. [I think you need a verb in the first part of this sentence. It is missing something]
The way things should be seen.
The news fills with stories
of the children of today. [I don't like this sentence]
One has beaten another in
a locker room, the whole thing
caught on tape! ["has beaten" is too passive for the statement you make here.]
Posted for the world to see
on youtube of all things.
Is this the future of this our world? |
Oy. If this wasn't a school project, I would have issues. ^^ Although, I am sure you could still revise it. Darling, you are preaching. You are preaching louder than the choir, dare I say. Don't use poetry as a soap box, but instead, show us something. Show us a picture, and let the reader think "Is this our future?" instead of saying it. It's for school, though, so you need not take it so seriously, unless you would like to. In that case, I suggest rewriting it entirely. If you have something to say in poetry, you should say it through not saying it, if that makes sense. Your reader needs to stumble across the message, on their own, through what you show and paint for them. You have a good basis for a poetic theme, but your poem doesn't exist anymore. Also, your use of sheep is cliché. People are always sheep, going over the cliff with the wrong Shepard. Say something new to make your reader open their eyes, rather than fall asleep at the same, over used words.
If you have any other questions, feel free to poke me. I realize I was horribly vague! haha. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:31 am Post subject: |
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Hmm...
Content wise, I can definitely relate to this, though I've heard it before. Style wise... it's really ramble-y and just not that poetic. I think it has potential though; try some literary devices- metaphor, simile, imagery, etc.- to make it have a more poetic feel, and cut out unnecessary words so it flows better.
Keep writing! ^_^ |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:26 am Post subject: |
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Oh, I like this free verse poem! Everything in this poem is unique--I haven't read anything like this.
I especially like this part:
| Quote: |
Self centered, obnoxious, insulting
little comments spew
from their mouths like vomit of the tongue. |
The word choice shows the scornful tone.
Great job. *clicks gold star* ;D
- Summerless <3~ |
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