Topic ID: 29640
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Demeter
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: The truth about shoes |
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I hope you could review after reading this, even and especially if you didn't like it. I'd appreciate that greatly. Thank you.
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My cousin declared not so long ago that she'd rather buy pretty yet uncomfortable shoes than fitting and ugly ones. (She had just been informed of the wrong posture of her feet.)
As in, "I definitely don't want to wear spinach-coloured granny slippers even though they'd feel good".
Back then, I thought she was being annoyingly shallow. Like, who does she think she is, anyway? But then I came to think about it. Of course, it's a different thing if someone considers spinach-coloured granny slippers extremely attractive.
But I'm definitely not going to go to my prom wearing health center sandals. Nah, you've got to have real heels! Really high stilettos that threaten your ankles, just to annoy feet experts! Damn healthy lifestyle and well-doing feet, being pretty is all that matters!
What a great piece of advice to the next generation: Someone wearing black rubber hillbilly boots will never get a husband and her hairline will be raising soon as well. But if only you put on Manolos, the whole world will bow before you!
Even Sarah Jessica Parker wouldn't be so famous without her heels, right? And I highly doubt that any granny slippers would be found in Imelda Marcos' closet amongst "only" the 1500 pairs of shoes she's got.
Nobody's interested in how badly the flip-flops are chafing between your toes. They look good, come on. Hasn't it already been clarified that blue suede shoes rule the world so much longer than sandals with socks?
So calm down, dear cousin. I don't think you're shallow at all. |
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Last edited by Demeter on Mon May 05, 2008 12:57 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 8:30 am Post subject: |
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Haha. This was funny. Eimear liked it.
A few issues I have are it's length...it's a bit short? Maybe expand it a little and make me laugh more? Also, the casual tone is great here and there, but just exercise it with caution using it in writing short stories as it takes away from the over all professional aspect of it.
I loved the reference to Sarah Jessica Parker. Hehe.
My fav line:
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| Really high stilettos that threaten your ankles, just to annoy feet experts! |
It's obvious you wrote what made you interested and passionate. That's great.
Now show us what else you got, kid!
Hehe
Eimear |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:44 am Post subject: |
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This was amusing, not HAHAHA funny but amusing type funny... (??) I'm sometimes at a loss of words to explain my self and end up over explaining which just ends up getting people more confused.
Any who, I adored his. I have small feet but they're rather plump so I have a hard time finding comfortable shoe wear. I can really relate to this ^ and I think you've written on a topic that most people can relate to. Though I never though about my footwear problems so humorously. So kudos for that.
Keep writing! |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Demeter!
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| I definitely don't want to wear spinach-coloured granny slippers even though they'd felt good". |
I think that 'they'd felt good' is a bit confusing and just doesn't flow. Either say:
'they felt good'
or
'they'd feel good'.
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| Nah, you got to have real heels! |
I think there should be a 'have' after 'you'. Or just change 'you' to 'you've'.
| Quote: |
| Nah, you got to have real heels! Really high stilettos that threaten your ankles, just to annoy feet experts! Damn healthy lifestyle and well-doing feet, if only you look pretty! |
Lots of exclamation marks in here. You might want to cut one or two out so the reader doesn't read the piece with their voice hitting the ceiling. Hehe.
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| and her teeth will be dropping soon, as well. |
I don't really understand this at all. Teeth dropping? Consider re-phrasing?
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| Isn't it already been clarified that blue suede shoes rule the world so much longer than sandals with socks? |
'Isn't' should be 'Hasn't'.
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| So calm down, dear cousin. I don't think you're shallow at all. |
I like this and I think you could incorporate it more by putting in more of a reaction from the cousin at the beginning.
Overall, this was quirky and I liked it a lot. You injected some good humour. I think to improve you could have more description of shoes, more opinion from the cousin and try to make it a bit longer.
Keep writing.
Alainna
xxx |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey Demeter!
This was really neat! Quirky, to steal 'Lainna's words 
A few suggestions:
Like, who does she think she is, anyway?
In my eyes the anyway kind of mellows it down and it would be a tad stronger without it.
(Of course, it's a different thing if someone considers spinach-coloured granny slippers extremely attractive. )
Maybe put this in brackets?
Damn healthy lifestyle and well-doing feet, if only you look pretty!
You use if only -you do this&that- in the next paragraph as well so maybe you could write ...as long as you look pretty. to get some more variety?
These are merely suggestions, so feel free to ignore me 
Nice piece of work!
~Kalli |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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Well written article and some nice proof I must say.
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I'd just like to add my opinion in as well: I find a balance, I try to look good and make them decently comfortable when wearing shoes. A medium of both, you see? |
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Xena
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| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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| okie dokie... huh it was amusing but was kind of hard to read.. like im not the grammar master but the structure confused me.. like.. shed rather buy shoes like this then smell them or somthing.. you know>? |
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