Young Writers Society - My Life as A Teenage Vampire Chapter 1

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This thread was created on May 10, 2008

My Life as A Teenage Vampire Chapter 1

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SimonCowellLuver
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Age: 15
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 265
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Country: It is somewhere i can relax and enjoy my life.
300 Points

Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: My Life as A Teenage Vampire Chapter 1

Chapter 1 It was a bright and clear morning, I thought today was going to be great day. When my mom left for work I went downstairs to have breakfast before school starts. It was 5:30 in the morning. I was in the 11th grade now and I got my license so I am ready to start the school year off right. When it was around 6:30 I left to go to school. I was so excited because it was a new school year. When I arrived at school I heard someone call my name. It was my old friend Mandy. I said, “Hey! How are you? I haven’t seen you in forever.” “Well a lot happened since we stopped seeing each other.” Mandy said. “ Well we got time. Go on tell me the story.” “Well to start off I got my license and a awesome new car! Also I had an accident last summer. You can call it my near death…” Before she could finish the sentence the bell rang. “Sorry Mandy I got to go. I can’t be late for Physics.” When I arrived I caw some people that was in my class last year like Alex, Carmen, Josh, Thomson, and Michael. I love Michael. He was my crush ever since I laid my eyes on him. There was only one seat left in the room and guess where it was. It was right next to Michael. Then I took my seat right next to him. Mike said, “ Hey! Haven’t I seen you around here before?” “Yeah I was in your Geometry class last year.” When the late bell rang the teacher stood up and introduced himself. “ Hello I am your Physics teacher Mr. Kite.” I started to laugh to myself and said, “Ha ha ha! Mr. Kite is a funny name.” I turned to Carmen and whispered, “ You got to be kidding. Mr. Kite’s name is so hilarious.” “ What do you think is so funny ladies?” Mr. Kite said sternly. I suddenly paused and turned my head around slowly. Carmen just took her pencil and started writing immediately but I got detention. After class I walked out of the room in frustration. But Michael ran out to my side and said, “ Hey don’t let Mr. Kite get your goat.” “Thanks but I think he already did.” I replied.
_________________ No Amount of therapy will ever make this moment OK.

ChernobyllyInclined
Senior Writer

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Age: 17
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200 Points

Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 2:01 am Post subject:

Hmmm...this really had nothing to it. There was no description, nothing to grab the readers attention, no character development and no plot. The reader has no connection to anything thats going on and therefore no reason to want to know more. These are the questions that you need to ask yourself: What is going on and what does it look like? (ex. A thin strip of light pushed through the purple curtains and fell on the face of a sleeping girl. Her half-shadowed face was lightly tanned and her hair spread around her head in a yellow halo.) Who is the person that these things are happening to? (ex. Rachel was a slightly reserved person and, more than once, this had been something she hated; but today, she felt perfect, as if anything were possible.) What is the plot/conflict? (ex. First days of school can be awful or they can be fantastic; Rachel was certain of a most incredible day.) These, of course, are just lame examples and I would suggest using your imagination and thinking of a more intriguing and original plot-line than a simple first day of school. Everyone has heard that story a hundred times and they are sick of it. I would guess, by your writing, that you haven't read much or that what you have read has been mostly Twilight/Harry Potter quality. I would suggest, if you want your writing to improve, reading more and reading better quality writing. I guarantee that writing will be much easier if you READ. I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
_________________ "Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."

casstic
Junior Writer

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Age: 16
Joined: 11 May 2008
Posts: 24
Reviews: 7
Country: US
300 Points

Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 5:05 am Post subject:

To use a favorite phrase of English teachers and Grammar Nazis; "Show, don't tell." Choppy, not very descriptive, and nothing much is actually happening. Dialog can be key, but you have a lot and not a little going on. It doesn't seem like there's actually any real point to this. It's very blunt, and like I said, choppy. Try observing people and reading or even paying close attention to movies more, and think about what is actually going to happen in a piece before you write it. If that's difficult, I'd suggest practicing with pieces of your own life, where you already know the start and end before you write.

This thread was created on May 10, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on May 10, 2008

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