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Treason prologue
Treason    prologue

by Aurora in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 10, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Wrong or Right? (Chapter One)
Chapter 2 of Wrong or Right?
Chap. 3 or Wrong or Right
Chapter 4 of Wrong or Right
Chapter 5 of Wrong or Right
Chapter 6 of Wrong Or Right
Part 1 of Chapter 7
Chap. 7/Part 2 of Wrong or Right
Chasing The Sun (Chapter 1)
Chapter Two of Chasing The Sun
Chapter 3 of Chasing the Sun
Chapter 4 of Chasing The Sun
Chapter 5 of Chasing The Sun (And Last)

Eighth (And LAST) Chapter of Wrong or Right
Topic ID: 30012
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deafwriter_19   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: Eighth (And LAST) Chapter of Wrong or Right Reply with quote

Smirking, I walked out of Chad’s house, lugging my bags behind me. Eric was there, waving to me from the driver’s seat of his SSC Aero TT—way cooler than the dinky Porsche beside it.

"I hope you two have a good time with each other!" Chad yelled from his bedroom.

"Don't worry, we will!" I hollered back as I threw my bags in the trunk. "Have a nice time with your friend Ryan!" I added as I got in the passenger seat. The interior was tan leather—very nice.

I closed the door and smiled over at the driver, “Let’s go,”

“To where?”

“Anywhere,” I winked at him. "Just as long as Chad thinks we're still doing it,"

The car peeled out of the driveway and within a few moments was purring at 30 mph. Then when it was on the freeway, it hummed its way up to 60. Truly a beautiful ride.

We stopped about 15 minutes later in downtown Seattle—in a hotel entranceway.

I frowned. I had been expecting an apartment building or a house—not a hotel. Had Eric brought me here for something special?

“Eric?” I asked.

“I’ll tell you later,” he promised.

Eric tossed the keys to the car valet and we made our way to the front desk.

“Hi, can I help you?” the woman asked specifically to Eric.

“Winter, Eric,” was his reply. “I’m taking my friend on a little trip here,”

“And you have a…” the receptionist paused, glancing suspiciously at me before continuing, “…a Deluxe Single suite?”

“Sounds about right,”

“All right,” the woman nodded. “Here are your keys. Your luggage will be delivered immediately,”

We headed for the elevator and when the doors had closed, I burst with laughter, “Did you see the look on her face?”

My chuckles only faded when I was in the hotel room. 860 square feet of luxury—oriental carpets, gorgeous furniture, marble all over in the bathroom.

“You like it?” Eric called to me from the bedroom.

“It’s perfect…” I replied. “But what’s up?” I murmured to myself.

Eric appeared at the doorway, “Well...um--it kind of--it turns out that I’m gay myself, like Steven and Chad.”

I gawked at him, both at his words and at the blunt delivery. But I recovered enough to say, “A-and?”

“And I like you,” he continued. He closed the distance between us and lowered his head.

“Oh, no…” I turned my head sideways to avoid his kiss.

“What?”

“If you have a bet on me…forget it. Just because we were in bed together for one hour doesn't mean I have to be your partner,”

“You don’t,” Eric sounded shocked. “I would never be like that,”

Well, how could I doubt him when he sounded like that? I tilted up my chin and warily accepted his kiss. It was gentle, sweet—not like the passionate kisses Chad and I had shared.

Just as I was about to slip my arms around his neck, Eric ended the kiss and we both stared at each other.

“I see,” I broke the silence, a smile creeping on my face. “Well…I guess the only thing left to do is to put the No Disturb sign on the door,”

Eric’s grin was mischievous, his green eyes glittering, “And then?”

“Enjoy ourselves,” I smiled. “For the rest of the week…and maybe the rest of the summer.”

With that said, I reached out and began to unbutton his shirt.

(Author's Note: Well, well! This story is finally done! Surprised I just finished my first story! Very Happy *freaks out with happiness*


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Last edited by deafwriter_19 on Sun May 11, 2008 4:31 am; edited 3 times in total
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scasha   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Eighth (And LAST) Chapter of Wrong or Right Reply with quote

Quote:
Eric was there, waving to me from the driver’s seat of his SSC Aero TT—way cooler than the dinky Porsche by it.
-- i think you mean next to it.
Quote:
threw my bags in the trunk and got in the passenger seat. The interior was cream-colored and tan leather—very nice.
-- instead just say "The interior was made of tan leather - very nice.


Quote:
Eric appeared at the doorway, “Well, turns out that I’m gay myself, like Steven and Chad.”
-- wow didn't see this coming. Have him pause a bit before he says it. He kind of just blurts it out and it seems to the readers as if it doesn't really matter that much. Blunt-delivery doesn't really work in this case.

Nice job! Congrats on finishing the story. I haven't read the other chapters but I couldn't find that many mistakes. Keep up the good work!

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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bravo!! I loved your ending and its nice that Calix is getting over Chad and all. You are a really good writer and I really hope you do go for.
Again congrats,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahhh! You end it here?
wait so the bet was true
about Chad?
BLAH
I dont care, this was good.


I really liked the series, it was
very intreguing.

You did a very good job, I would
had liked a little more detail and
explanation.

Start another series soon, yes?

(I would have reviewed it, but I was
too late because the person above me
took everything I saw)

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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gahh! Do you have to end it here? Can you start a second book? Ahh, anyways, I loved it.

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Romance stories are definitely a guilty pleasure of mine. I enjoyed this entire story a whole lot, until you started winding down to the end.

You have a really intense story up until the end. You need to keep a consistent pace, especially at the end, which is where the weight of the story lies. If the ending is lame, people won't remember your story fondly.

I was expecting to here at least a little bit about the revenge Calix took on Chad. When I started this chapter, I was thinking, "Wait, what happened? What about the revenge?" If it was implied I missed it. But I think you should show us at least a little of the revenge. Perhaps tell us a bit about what it was. That seemed to be what the story was building up to at first.

I also thought that Eric and Calix's relationship was...sudden. Not romantically. They seemed to be friendly before that thing with the hotel. Did they bond during the revenge thing? Show that. That's important.

Quote:
“And I think I like you,”


This seemed strange to me. Eric goes to all that trouble, but he only thinks he likes Calix?

So, I feel that I missed an important chunk of story. (If I did, direct me to this chunk!) As a whole, it was good, and suspenseful. A really fun read.

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool, twas good. Didn't really catch anything.

Sorry for the short crit. I have to jet.

TNC

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few things.

We have no idea what the revenge is. You should explain that more.

The thing with Eric liking Calix was completely unexpected and I agree with Bear that it was a bit sudden.

And how did Chad react?

Why was Calix leaving with Eric?

Lotsa stuff we missed here..... So you should fix that...


Alright. This is my review AFTER you changed your story. This is so much better now. We have a better idea of why he was leaving and what the revenge was. Now we know how Chad reacted to what Calix did. Great work! You should do another series with Eric and Calix.... Just an idea.

Alex

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to agree with Flame11. I couldn't exactly tell what the revenge was. Was it making Chad think that Calix and Eric were doing IT for an hour?

Oh, and

Quote:
I closed the door and smiled over at the driver, “Let’s go,”


should be

Quote:
I closed the door and smiled over at the driver. “Let’s go.*”


* or a , (comma)


Else than that I liked the ending. It was somewhat abrupt but that leaves plenty of thought for the reader to ponder what would probably happen next.

Once again, lovely word choice.

See you at school. :]
- Summerless <3~

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw, it's all over? Anyways, I'm too lazy to do a normal critique, so here it goes! Boring old quotes!

Nit-Picks

Quote:
Smirking, I walked out of Chad’s house, lugging my bags behind me. Eric was there, waving to me from the driver’s seat of his SSC Aero TT—way cooler than the dinky Porsche beside it.

"I hope you two have a good time with each other!" Chad yelled from his bedroom.

"Don't worry, we will!" I hollered back as I threw my bags in the trunk. "Have a nice time with your friend Ryan!" I added as I got in the passenger seat. The interior was tan leather—very nice.

You just skipped over a lot. Don't actually describe the sex, but don't leave everything out. And when did Chad get home?

Quote:
I closed the door and smiled over at the driver., “Let’s go.,

Quote:
“Anywhere.,” I winked at him. "Just as long as Chad thinks we're still doing it.,"

Quote:
Eric appeared at the doorway, “Well...um--it kind of--it turns out that I’m gay myself, like Steven and Chad.”

Quote:
“I see.,” I broke the silence, a smile creeping on my face. “Well…I guess the only thing left to do is to put the No Disturb sign on the door.,

Eric’s grin was mischievous, his green eyes glittering., “And then?”

Overall Comments

There's nothing more for me to say, I'll just sound like a broken record. Just slow down, a lot. Spread this out. Romance takes time to develop - don't just force it to happen. And don't leave things so up in the air with Chad.

I know you know what you're doing. You have the outline of your story here - just go back through and expand.

PM me for anything, and congrats on finishes.

Let me know if you get an edited version up/any new stuff.

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 10:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aww! That was such a beautiful story, and it was really cute too! I really liked Calix and Chad's characters, they were very real, you don't see s a lot of that, even in published works. This was a brave story to write, and you did it beautifully!

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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey. I've read all the chapters, and this is the first one I've commented on, and I'm sorry I'm so unhelpful. I was so sucked into the story that I didn't stop to note small things that bothered me or that I thought should be altered. Perhaps I'll get around to it one of these days...

But anyway, liked it a lot. The only major, major thing that I think needs to be changed is your pace. I realize that this isn't a novel or anything, and it's short, but I think you need to drag the romance between Calix and Eric out more. Calix was hurt over what Chad had done. Wouldn't he need more time to get over him and heal? Maybe make him and Eric go on a date or something, and have things develop a little more slowly?

Besides that, I liked it. Keep writing.

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY! *claps* this was really good..original...a really really really good story. Good job, I applaud you being comfortable with writing something like this.

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok i loved the series you are one of my FAVORITE writers on this site but of course i was one of the many if not few who basically harrassed you about writing your story by the way GREAT JOB!!!!!!! If you write a book I WILL SOOOOOOOO buy it ~lots of love~

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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aww... It's a pity this wonderful story had to end.
I really enjoyed reading it.

Unfortunately... All stories come to an end. It's the sad truth. Ah well...

Well then...
I'm glad to have read this whole series till the very end! Very Happy

I didn't in the least bit regret it! Very Happy
Really! Smile

You're a great writer! ^^

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