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Shadow Of a Suicide
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: rape.... |
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RAPE....
You took away our friendship,
You stole my self-asteem,
You hurt me on the inside,
But barely left a bruse.
I explained it to my parents,
My friends and teachers too,
Said I was playing tag,
Not at the ball feild with you.
I know it was my falt,
Ill never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Being raped by my best friend.
Later dow the road,
It happens four more times,
Three more friends,
And a man I never knew.
All four bring abuse,
More lies to the ones I love,
All because of drugs and beer,
And a bad friend here and there. |
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Shadow Of a Suicide
New Member
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
Country: United States of America- Oklahoma
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hi... Im new to wrighting about anything other than feelings so.... Well Ive never writen about experiences... go as hard as you wanna!  |
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Sadness comes from within,
Blood flows forth from vains,
Release them both with a blade.... |
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Suzanne
is home
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there!
Okay! You admit you are new to writing this. And I will admit, poetry is a very hard thing to do. The first thing you should do when getting into poetry, is to read a lot of it! That will help you understand how poetry works.
To this, it doesn't work. But I'll explain why, and hopefully the suggestions I give will help you understand and learn how to make it better. All of this poem is telling. Just like in literature, telling is bad. You want to show your reader what is happening, and even more so with poetry, you want them to experience it. Something I think you should do with this poem is pick a single even to talk about. Write it as though it is happening, or perhaps as though the speaker is thinking back to it. Put the reader in the speakers place, and make them feel. Use vivid imagery to describe things (taste, touch, smell, sounds, sights), but don't just describe, make it work together to say something. Be poetic and use metaphor! You don't have to use anything, but it helps put the reader in the speakers place.
In my opinion, poetry should cause the reader to think, feel, or believe something. You need to cause the reader to feel! You need to shake them by the shoulder and say HEY, FEEL SOMETHING! Yes, I'm shouting. ^_^ Get excited about it! Or not. I think reading poetry would really help you, because then you could see what I mean. There are many amazing poets on this site that you can read, rather than buying a poetry book. They include, but are certainly not limited to: Incandescence, Fandilocks, Via, Melja, Sam (though she doesn't have too many of her amazing poems posted yet!) and Caligulas_Launderette.
An old article I wrote that may or may not help you (I'm not sure of the quality of it, haha, It's old!) is Emotional Poetry.
Good Luck! If you have any questions or would like some help on any of the things I mentioned, feel free to pm me. ^^ |
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Morgenstern, ach, scheine auf das Antlitz mein.
Wirf ein warmes Licht auf mein Ungesicht.
Sag mir ich bin nicht alleine...
(und der Stern will scheinen.) |
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SkaterPunk2011
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I thought it flowed really well for the most part. There were a few spelling errors and some punctuation flaws; but i thought it was really well written. It had great emotion and to me it wasn't to cliche.
Good Job
A thumbs up from me.
Keep Writing |
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Heal my wounds with devotion, sew up my heart with despair, strip my face of confinement, release me to the dreams that await me. |
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redline480
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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in my honest opinion
ive never liked how sonnets flowed
but this is a good exception
good use of old poetry
flows greatly to make the overpowering emotion of self pity
u need to spell check |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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To me, it was a bit too telling. Usually, that doesn't bother me, but now I got somehow uncomfortable. Could have been because of the subject, of course. But I think it would've been better impact if you let us guess or conclude that it was about raping. I'm not sure, though.
The flow is good and the stanzas are somewhat equal, which is nice. But there were a few typos; I suggest you correct those. (Like feild --> field, dow --> down, falt --> fault)
Also remember to give some reviews before posting your other work.
Keep on
Demeter |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Demeter. She pointed out a few spelling errors. Self-esteem ends with e-s-t-e-e-m. Not a-s-t-e-e-m.
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You took away our friendship,
You stole my self-asteem,
You hurt me on the inside,
But barely left a bruse. |
That stanza (above) is okay. It can be better, though, if you change the last line. It kind of ruins the ambience you set because somehow it doesn't flow. Try ending with a different word instead of "bruise." Perhaps use some assonance or rhyme?
| Quote: |
I know it was my falt,
Ill never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Being raped by my best friend. |
That should be
| Quote: |
I know it was my fault,
I'll never try drugs again,
For again it will not happen,
Getting raped by my best friend. |
I personally thought getting was a better word than "being."
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Later dow the road,
It happens four more times,
Three more friends,
And a man I never knew. |
That stanza (above) seemed the weakest--punctuation-wise.
| Quote: |
Later down the road
It happens four more times;
Three other friends,
And a man I never knew. |
That is what I would change it to. "Other" fits better than "more" does, at least in my opinion.
Synopsis:
- This is pretty good considering you're new to writing :]
- Try reading your work out loud before you submit it. You'll find most of your errors that way.
Hope this helps and don't take all of my criticism personally--
- Summerless <3~ |
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Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 4:31 pm Post subject: |
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I think you deserve respect for writing about this issue. It's a very hard thing to do.
Although I'll agree with the other reviewers in that you need to stop telling the story and focus more on showing, I will say that I found the poetic voice eery and almost hypnotic. I read it to the very end without my attention wandering. Just try and develop this into something more complex, and then you'll be onto a win.
Welcome to YWS, by the way. I'm usually knocking about the poetry forums so you're welcome to send me any work or ask questions.
Eimear |
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Shadow Of a Suicide
New Member
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Age: 13
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 3
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Country: United States of America- Oklahoma
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: THANKS |
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| Heys. Thanks for the advice. I really didnt know about it either, but I guess it was ok.... I plan on posting more poems as soon as possible!! |
_________________
Sadness comes from within,
Blood flows forth from vains,
Release them both with a blade.... |
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