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Arisen
Arisen

by Nolan in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on May 7, 2008
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Earth's Plight
Topic ID: 29894
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J.C. Belding   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:20 am    Post subject: Earth's Plight Reply with quote

From the grasp of frost the riders came,

Like earth-bound hail, descending rain.



Plains of green they put to waste.

Forests smoldered with unworldly haste.



Seas were drained and mountains razed.

From works of beauty, did they graze.



All before and all affront

Were tossed aside in endless hunt.



Not beast, but logic did they mount.

And so they rode, minds free of doubt. 



So as their kinsman walked on feet,

They strode ahead, clad in conceit



They beat their homeland to the ground,

Until it expired, a blackened mound.



And only then, did they see,

The price they paid, the endless fee. 



So from existence, they were pried.

Peace returned, as Earth's plight died.



Now hear this riddle, set afree,

I tell the tale of humanity.

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Last edited by J.C. Belding on Sat May 10, 2008 8:33 am; edited 1 time in total
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ambercoultis   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:18 pm    Post subject: Re: Earth's Plight Reply with quote

From the grasp of frost the riders came,
Like earth-bound hail, (enter?)
descending rain.

Seas were drained and mountains razed.
From works of beauty, (enter?)
did they graze.

Not beast, but logic did they mount.
And so they rode, (enter?)
minds free of doubt.

So as their kinsman walked on feet,
They strode ahead, (enter?)
clad in conceit

They beat their homeland to the ground,
Until it expired, (enter?)
a blackened mound.

And only then, did they see,
The price they paid, (enter?)
the endless fee.

So from existence, they were pried.
Peace returned, (enter?)
as Earth's plight died.

Very discriptive.

Nice work.

Um..I'm not sure if you should enter or not but it looks-to me-better if you do.

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Vernon   View This User's Portfolio
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, J.C Belding I can't decide if i like this or not, one thing it does have some great word choice, but you tell us something. The first rule of poetry is show not tell. i don't truly understand this poem. It's well and quite beautiful, but it just a story doesn't grab us:

Quote:
From the grasp of frost the riders came,
Like earth-bound hail, descending rain.
This last bit causes a halt it doesn't help the flow rather it weakens it.

You rhyming doesn't seem to forced but the flow is stricken and damaged because of the first stanza.

Overall: A nice try, but try and involve us in the story, not just tell us. Show us.

Good luck
VSN

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J.C. Belding   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 8:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments. I adedd an extra staza that should take care of any confusion.

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My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2
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Jesse   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Simply Epic. But i dont recall hearing about an event such as this

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This thread was created on May 7, 2008

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