Topic ID: 29894
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J.C. Belding
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 64 Reviews: 47 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: Earth's Plight |
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From the grasp of frost the riders came,
Like earth-bound hail, descending rain.
Plains of green they put to waste.
Forests smoldered with unworldly haste.
Seas were drained and mountains razed.
From works of beauty, did they graze.
All before and all affront
Were tossed aside in endless hunt.
Not beast, but logic did they mount.
And so they rode, minds free of doubt.
So as their kinsman walked on feet,
They strode ahead, clad in conceit
They beat their homeland to the ground,
Until it expired, a blackened mound.
And only then, did they see,
The price they paid, the endless fee.
So from existence, they were pried.
Peace returned, as Earth's plight died.
Now hear this riddle, set afree,
I tell the tale of humanity. |
_________________ My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2
Last edited by J.C. Belding on Sat May 10, 2008 8:33 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ambercoultis
Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 29 Mar 2008 Posts: 1725 Reviews: 101 Country: Misery of the USA(Missouri) 130 Points
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Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: Re: Earth's Plight |
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From the grasp of frost the riders came,
Like earth-bound hail, (enter?)
descending rain.
Seas were drained and mountains razed.
From works of beauty, (enter?)
did they graze.
Not beast, but logic did they mount.
And so they rode, (enter?)
minds free of doubt.
So as their kinsman walked on feet,
They strode ahead, (enter?)
clad in conceit
They beat their homeland to the ground,
Until it expired, (enter?)
a blackened mound.
And only then, did they see,
The price they paid, (enter?)
the endless fee.
So from existence, they were pried.
Peace returned, (enter?)
as Earth's plight died.
Very discriptive.
Nice work.
Um..I'm not sure if you should enter or not but it looks-to me-better if you do. |
_________________ Having fun is the best thing. Having fun with a friend is better. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 194 Points
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Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 11:46 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, J.C Belding I can't decide if i like this or not, one thing it does have some great word choice, but you tell us something. The first rule of poetry is show not tell. i don't truly understand this poem. It's well and quite beautiful, but it just a story doesn't grab us:
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From the grasp of frost the riders came,
Like earth-bound hail, descending rain. |
This last bit causes a halt it doesn't help the flow rather it weakens it.
You rhyming doesn't seem to forced but the flow is stricken and damaged because of the first stanza.
Overall: A nice try, but try and involve us in the story, not just tell us. Show us.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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J.C. Belding
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 28 Nov 2007 Posts: 64 Reviews: 47 Country: United States 300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 8:35 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the comments. I adedd an extra staza that should take care of any confusion. |
_________________ My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2 |
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Jesse
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 08 May 2008 Posts: 25 Reviews: 13 Country: Where the Sun shines on the day and the moon blooms our love 300 Points
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Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Simply Epic. But i dont recall hearing about an event such as this |
_________________ View my portfolio and review That Summer please! I'm dieing for a review! |
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