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by lhighton in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on April 28, 2008
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time to move on my friend
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ambercoultis   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:58 pm    Post subject: time to move on my friend Reply with quote

The girl flipped the long blonde hair out of her face as she brushed a few dried tears from her cheek.

What an awful day! She was trying to get over it but her friends wouldn't let her.

"I can't believe you let that happen!" she heard her friend say lightly, as she sat down.

Her friend sat there with her lacy black, straight hair. Lying flat on her back as the bangs fell over her dark green eyes.

"Ya I'm fine, Draive." Jess said sarcastically.

"Oh, I'm sorry.You sure your good?" Draive asked as she patted her friend on the shoulder. She brushed the hair out of her eyes lightly.

"Ya." she answered with a sigh.

The day had gone very bad and Jess just couldn't stand it.

"I've to go, see you next week!" Jess called over her shoulder as she grabbed her bag and headed for the door out of the school cafiteria.

"See ya!" Draive called.She was going to have to mope around with her friend once again, instead of be her average self and try to get a boyfriend."Hu,"she sighed.

Another month ruined. It wasn't that she didn't like having Jess as a friend it was just that almost every month she would break up with another loser and mope....Mope all the next month! The time she did get to flirt was small. Would she ever get to find a boy just right for her?

She tossed her bag onto her shoulder and just as she reached the door.....Crash!

"Oh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Draive asked.

Draive opened her eyes to a mess that had splattered all over the door.... food.She turned to were it's source....

OH! her mind immediately crushed on the young boy. Gorgeous!

He wore an amazing hat that looked like it only would fit on his warm smile. His hair was a choppy act, but it fit she saw of him. His gentle ,moist eyes, his perfectly subtle lips,his cute out fit. That PILOT FOR KITE tee-shirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the attraction.

"Ya, I'm fine but it doesn't look like my lunch is..." he answered referring to the mess...

"I'm so sorry about that! Can I buy you another one?" she asked. He was cute, that would have to be compensation for her loss in money.

"Oh no you don't have to...." he scratched the back of his head...

________________________________________________________________________

(What will happen next?)(I really have no idea but if this even so much as intrists any of you Ill think about writing more.)

_________________
Get over it my friend is old news and theres a new one I'm woking on.
(To let you know, I'm gona be gone June fri. the 5 through the next week or so.)
R.ed R.iding H.ood: wolfish boy needs more reviews! Oh and I got a contest too.

Last edited by ambercoultis on Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:24 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
time to check ^_^

Quote:
What an awfull day!She was trying to get over it but her friends wouldn't let her.


What an awfull day! She was trying to get over it but her friends wouldn't let her.

Quote:
"I can't beleive you let that happen!"she heard her freind scream as she sat down.


"I can't believe you let that happen!" she heard her friend scream as she sat down.


Quote:
"Oh, I'm sorry.You sure your good?"Draive asked as she patted her friend on the shoulder.


"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you sure your good?" Draive asked as she patted her friend on the shoulder.

Quote:
"Ya."she answered with a sigh.


"Ya." she answered with a sigh.- please space between sentences.

Quote:
The day had gone very bad and Jess just couldn't stnd it.


The day had gone very bad and Jess just couldn't stand it.

Quote:
"I got to go see you next week." Jess called over her shoulder as she grabed her bag and headed for the door out of the school cafiteria.


"I got to go see you next week." Jess called over her shoulder. She grabbed her bag and headed for the door out of the school cafiteria.

Quote:
"See ya!"Draive called.She was going to have to mop around with her friend once again insted of be her average self and try to get a boyfriend."Hu!"she sighed.another month ruened.It wasn't that she didn't like having Jess as a friend it was just that almost every month she would break up with another loser and mop.....mop all the next month! The time she did get to flirt was small.Whould she ever get to find a boy just right for her?


"See ya!" Draive called. She was going to have to mope around with her friend once again, instead of being her average self, trying to get a boyfriend."Hu!" she sighed.

Another month ruined.It wasn't that she didn't like having Jess as a friend. It was just that almost every month she would break up with another loser and mope.....Mope all the next month! The time she did get to flirt was small.Would she ever get to find a boy just right for her?

Quote:
She draged her bag onto her shoulder and just as she reached the door.....Crash!


She tossed her bag onto her shoulder and just as she reached the door.....Crash!

Quote:
"Oh I'm so sorry.Are you ok?"Draive asked as she opened her eyes to a mess all over the back of the door....food.She turned to were it originated....


"Oh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Draive asked.

Jess opened her eyes to see a mess all over the back of the door. It was food. She turned to see where it came from.

Quote:
OH! her mind amediatly chimed to the younge boy. Gourgus!


OH! Her mind imediatly crushed on the younge boy. Gourgus!

Quote:
He wore a-so cute-hat that looked like it only would fit on his warm looking smile.His hair was a chopy act but it fit every thing she saw of him. His warm,moist eyes.....his perfectly suttle pair of lips......his perfict out fit.....that PILOT FOR KITE teshirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the atraction.


He wore an amazing hat that looked like it only would fit on his warm looking smile. His hair was a chopy act but it fit every thing she saw of him. His warm,moist eyes, perfectly suttle pair of lips, perfict out fit. That PILOT FOR KITE teshirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the atraction.


Quote:
"I'm so sorry about that. Would you mind me buying you another lunch?"she asked.He was cute..that had to count for her loss in money.

"Oh no you don't have to...."he scratched the back of his head...


"I'm so sorry about that. Would you mind me buying you another lunch?" she asked. He was cute, that had to count for her loss in money.

"Oh no you don't have to...." he scratched the back of his head.



not bad, just go over it and correct spelling and punctuating. At this point I have no idea what Jess and everyone else looks like. You need to be more detail.


Once you correct this and add detail- Pm me ^_^

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This is better. There were a few mistakes, but the written work was a lot better than before. Nice job.

Quote:
"I can't beleive you let that happen!" she heard her freind scream as she sat down.


"I can't believe you let that happen!" she heard her friend scream as she sat down.

Quote:
Her freind sat there with her lacy black,straight hair lay flate on her backas the bangs fell over her dark green eyes.

Her friend sat there with her lacy black, straight hair. Lying flate on her back as the bangs fell over her dark green eyes.

Quote:
Draive asked as she patted her friend on the shoulder.She brushed the hair out of her eyes lightly.


Draive asked as she patted her friend on the shoulder. She brushed the hair out of her eyes lightly.

space between sentences. Ok Amber? ^_^

Quote:
Jess called over her shoulder as she grabed her bag and headed for the door out of the school cafiteria.


Jess called over her shoulder as she grabed(Really should be grabbed) her bag and headed for the door out of the school cafiteria.


Quote:
Another month ruined.It wasn't that she didn't like having Jess as a friend it was just that almost every month she would break up with another loser and mope....Mope all the next month! The time she did get to flirt was small.Whould she ever get to find a boy just right for her?


Another month ruined.(Space) It wasn't that she didn't like having Jess as a friend it was just that almost every month she would break up with another loser and mope....Mope all the next month! The time she did get to flirt was small.(space) Whould(would) she ever get to find a boy just right for her?

Quote:
"Oh I'm so sorry.Are you ok?" Draive asked.


"Oh I'm so sorry.(space) Are you ok?" Draive asked.


Quote:
He wore an amazinghat that looked like it only would fit on his warm looking smile.His hair was a chopy act but it fit every thing she saw of him. His warm,moist eyes,his perfectly suttle pair of lips,his perfict out fit.That PILOT FOR KITE teshirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the atraction.


He wore an amazing(Space) hat that looked like it only would fit on his warm looking smile.(Space) His hair was a chopy act but it fit every thing she saw of him. His warm,moist eyes,(Space)perfect suttle pair of lips,(Space)and his perfect out fit.(Space)That PILOT FOR KITE t-shirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the attraction.


Quote:
"I'm so sorry about that. Would you mind me buying you another lunch?"she asked.He was cute..that had to count for her loss in money.


"I'm so sorry about that. Would you mind me buying you another lunch?"she asked.(Space)He was cute,(Comma)that had to count for her loss in money.



I just went over easily repareable simple mistakes. Like forgetting to space stuff apart. Do this and it'll draw more readers in. ^_^

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Ok ya get were your coming from...I just finished up the other mistakes...

All good.

_________________
Get over it my friend is old news and theres a new one I'm woking on.
(To let you know, I'm gona be gone June fri. the 5 through the next week or so.)
R.ed R.iding H.ood: wolfish boy needs more reviews! Oh and I got a contest too.
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:14 pm    Post subject: Whoa! Reply with quote
Well, hello there! Call me Sela. Very Happy
Okay, onto the review!

Quote:
The girl fliped the long blonde hair out of her face as she brushed a few dried tears from her cheek.


Flipped, not fliped. How can you brush dry tears from your cheek, that's like saying 'she squeezed the water out of her dry shirt'. If the tears are dry, they're not there anymore! Maybe rephrase it like so:
'The girl flipped long blonde hair out of her face, brushing some stray tears off her cheek.'

Quote:
What an awfull day!


Awful, not awfull. xD

Quote:
she heard her freind scream as she sat down.


Friend* Oh, and I'd suggest replacing scream with something like 'sigh'.

Quote:
Her freind sat there with her lacy black, straight hair. Lying flate on her back as the bangs fell over her dark green eyes.


Again, friend*. Lacy? Maybe it's just me, but how exactly can hair be lacy? And that sentence, in itself, is rather odd. Sat there with her lacy black hair? 0_0
I'd just suggest you rephrase. Smile
Flat, not flate. And try putting it more like this: 'Laying flat on her back, her bangs sweeping over her dark green eyes.' Or something of that sort.

Quote:
Jess said sarcasticly.


Sarcastically.

Quote:
"I got to go see you next week."


"I've got to go, see you next week!"

I've emboldened the stuff I thought should be fixed. Very Happy

Quote:
"See ya!" Draive called.She was going to have to mop around with her friend once again insted of be her average self and try to get a boyfriend."Hu!"she sighed.


'"See ya!" Draive called. She was going to have to mope around with her friend once again, instead of being her usual self and trying to get a boy friend. "Huh," she sighed.'

This sentence seems chronically awkward. Try rephrasing. Very Happy


Quote:
Draive opened her eyes to a mess all over the back of the door....food.She turned to were it originated....


'Draive opened her eyes to the mess that had splattered all over the door... food. She turned to it's source...'

Space between the '...' and 'food'. I rephrased it, also.

Quote:
OH! her mind amediatly crushed on the younge boy. Gourgus!


Immediately, and there's no 'e' at the end of 'young'. Gorgeous, not gourgus.

Quote:
He wore an amazing hat that looked like it only would fit on his warm looking smile. His hair was a chopy act but it fit every thing she saw of him. His warm,moist eyes,his perfectly suttle pair of lips,his perfict out fit. That PILOT FOR KITE teshirt was big and his unzipped hoody added to the atraction.


This bit immediately stuck out to me as a rather odd part of the story. Let me go over it for you...

'He wore an amazing hat that looked like it would only fit on with his warm looking smile. His hair was a choppy act, but it fit everything what she saw of him. His (put another adjective here, you just used warm), moist eyes, his perfectly subtle pair of lips, and his perfect cute outfit. His PILOT FOR KITE tee-shirt was big, and his unzipped jacket only added to the attraction.'

Again, this was quite an odd description. Try rephrasing?
I fixed as much as I saw, though. Very Happy

Quote:
"Ya, I'm fine but it doesn't look like my lunch is..." he andwered refering to the mess...


'"Yeah, I'm fine, but it doesn't look like my lunch is..." he answered, referring to the mess.'

Quote:
"I'm so sorry about that. Would you mind me buying you another lunch?" she asked.He was cute,that had to count for her loss in money.

"Oh no you don't have to...." he scratched the back of his head...


'"I'm so sorry about that! Can I buy you another one?" she asked. He was cute, that would have to be compensation for her loss in money.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to." he scratched the back of his head.'

Honestly, I think that it was rather boring. You need to put something in it that makes the reader want more.
Something that makes them say, 'PM me when you put more up!'
And your descriptions need work. Try to keep the dialogue interesting, also. A lot of people don't seem to think of 'talking' when they write. That's what usually annoys or bores me the most, when reading the dialogue ends up making me feel like I'm going over the lines from 'Barbie: Animal Island'. Or whatever they're coming out with these days.

Just keep working on the dialogue, characters, and description. (And try to liven up the plot.)
You're at the YWS, there's always someone willing to help!

Best 'o luck,
-Sela ^^

P.S. I cut out the 'scratched his head' part. It was anti-climactic. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
All I really noticed was your spelling mistakes. Just check over stuff before you post it. USe spell check, that's what I do. Other than spelling I like this. Very Happy The plot is great. I can't wait to see what happenes next.
Keep writing!

~Rachael

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Ok I swicthed things around but the dry tears..Doesn't any one know that usually when yo've been crying your tears turn cinda crusty?...Anyways thanks.

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Get over it my friend is old news and theres a new one I'm woking on.
(To let you know, I'm gona be gone June fri. the 5 through the next week or so.)
R.ed R.iding H.ood: wolfish boy needs more reviews! Oh and I got a contest too.
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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:29 am    Post subject: wow Reply with quote
wow i really like your story

it is a straight A plus

you gave a lot of details

you made the characters seem

like they were actually there

well i dont know about everybody

else but it sure did to me

i wonder what will happen next

of yeah but i gotta admit i did

kinda get confused at first I thought

Draives friend was the one who had

lost her boyfriend so if she lost her

boyfriend and wanted to find the

perfect one why didn't she run into

the boy and start flirting blah, blah

well maybe i don't know what i'm

talking about so bye

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PostPosted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Jess Draive's friend goes through the prosses of mopeing when she losses a boy friend and I'm not sure if m character on that part is shallow or not...

_________________
Get over it my friend is old news and theres a new one I'm woking on.
(To let you know, I'm gona be gone June fri. the 5 through the next week or so.)
R.ed R.iding H.ood: wolfish boy needs more reviews! Oh and I got a contest too.
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