Topic ID: 29780
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
black star of darkness
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 8
Country: UK
142 Points
|
 Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: Soul-Searching |
 |
|
Hey this is a sonnet I wrote at school and liked, so would some peeps mind giving their opinion please!
My lonely soul forever lost to me,
Out of reach in a place I cannot find,
Locked 'way in the deep confines of my mind.
Hidden from me so that I cannot see,
With a jailer who through away the key.
All of my knowledge about being kind,
In my destructive wake it's left behind.
My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,
With each crime, I lose more of myself,
Will never know what it means to be nice,
My emotions tucked 'way on a high shelf,
And with a last desperate throw of the dice,
I do something that damages my health. |
_________________
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
mizz-iceberg
The Typo Expert
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 406
Reviews: 195
Country: Canada
2818 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: Re: Soul-Searching |
|
|
Hmm, I usually don't critique poetry but the title caught my eye and I decided to check it out. Overall I really liked it and I think you've done very well.
| Quote: |
With a jailer who through away the key.
All of my knowledge about being kind, |
This part just bothered me for some reason. I think mainly because I think the word 'kind' was rather weak to fit in with the rest of the well described poem.
But then again may it's just me. Personally I think you did very well in showing not telling so kudos for that!
| Quote: |
My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,
With each crime, I lose more of myself, |
Loved this part!
| Quote: |
Will never know what it means to be nice, |
Again, wasn't too fond of this as I find the word 'nice' rather weak and too vague.
But overall I'd say this was a great poem! The descriptions were vivid and went well with the message. Keep writing! |
_________________
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 440
Reviews: 207
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
883 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like writing sonnets and I enjoyed reading this. I thought it was creative and well thought out. Good job and keep writing! |
_________________
Husband: Honey, if I don't come back, tell my mom I love her.
Wife: Your mother has been dead for years.
Husband: Well, I guess I'll tell her myself then. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Demeter
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 150
Reviews: 72
Country: Finland
3203 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this, although there were a few things disturbing me.
"Jailer" doesn't sound like a real world, of course this may be the whole point, but still, I think i.e. "prisoner" would've been a better word. And it should be "who threw away the key" not "who through...".
The ending is awkward. "I do something that damages my health" sounds emo and besides, it's too telling. If you know what I mean.
But, these where only a couple of things. Other than that, good. 
All the best from
Demeter |
_________________
Winners never quit, quitters never win. |
|
| Back to top |
|
AmberAngst
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 371
Reviews: 58
Country: USA
608 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with both of the above crits, especially Demeter. "who through..." made the poem feel a little awkward. I think you should take her advice in replacing it with "who threw away."
"My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,"
That one was my favorite line from the whole poem, but I think that stanza seems a little too blunt, like Demeter decribed as "Emo". Try spicing it up a little.
Other than that, I really enjoyed it! |
_________________
If you're 555, I'm 666. |
|
| Back to top |
|
harrypotterbooklover101
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 42
Reviews: 9
Country: My shoe
532 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a really good pome |
_________________
harrypotterbooklover101
Is your life is a drag? Then
read ''Chicken Soup for the
Teenage Soul! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Writing for love is a pas
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 96
Reviews: 46
Country: none ya (US)
258 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| that was really kinda dark. Ny'ways, still loved it. just, try not to make it sound so emo. Not that emo is bad, I just don't think it was your best. Don't worry. I still loved it. |
_________________
Some Day You'll Cry For Me Like
I Cried For You,
Some Day You'll Miss Me Like I Missed You,
Some Day You'll Love Me
But I Won't Love You. |
|
| Back to top |
|
nightmarebook13
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2007
Posts: 38
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
356 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
okay.... hmmm.... very impressive. little dark but thats how i like it. perhaps draw inspriation from some music would help make it longer and more in depth. i want to know what happened to make you feel this way as the reader. but very good. =)
? nightmare |
_________________
i rember stormy weather, the way the sky looks when its cold. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
