Topic ID: 29964
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shadowsoldier
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: Snow Falls |
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| With the falling of the snow comes silent blanket of white powder that brings a certain joy. Snow flakes land in my hand only to melt away. The free falling of the flakes takes up my whole vision. My footprints quickly fade away. |
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Jaliayh101
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: confused? |
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agin i was confused by another poem you guys
have to got to put in more details you just can't say
"His lips pursed unto mines and I fainted.
That is so lame you have to say, "As his lips
pursed unto mine I felt a cold chill. I felt like that my
heart had been frozen, but my heart had been taken
by him and I trusted him with it cause i know he will treat
it right. You see have you have to give details like that
you have tell people why the snow felt like silent blankets because they soft
and peaceful, gentle, or something...
Why did the snowflakes melt in your hand
for example if this poem was dealing with love
you could say that the snowflakes melt in your hand
cause I didn't treat it with enough love or respect
ok...that's all for now and yeah and you're welcome |
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ambercoultis
You love *insert*, I just know.
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 5:20 am Post subject: Re: Snow Falls |
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With the falling of the snow comes silent blanket of white powder that brings a certain joy.
Snow flakes land in my hand only to melt away.
The free falling of the flakes takes up my whole vision.
My footprints quickly fade away.
Make sure you space and enter right. If you don't it makes it look like a blob almost.
It's very short or is my computer not working. I would if it is just short add another poem to it. Or if it is my computer with I have no idea i it is or not then I have no idea.
*shrugs and walks away.* |
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david2oo8
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: |
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Way too short in my opinion. It was okay but could have been so much better if it was expanded again, as i already said.
I liked it for what it was though but too vague as well. |
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Leja
may or may not be writing at present
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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| This reminds me of an expanded haiku ^_^ If you're going to go with something so short, though, make sure that every word really matters. For example, in the first sentence, you might want to go in a different direction than "blanket" since that is the only way large quantities of snow are usually described. Maybe concentrate on the actual flakes rather than whole quantities of snow. On that note, look at how many times "snow flakes" or "flakes" are used; once each in the second and third sentence. Pronouns like "it" for one of these will help the sentences connect better, so it's not like starting new each time there's a period. I like the last sentence as the last sentence ^_^ |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 7:48 am Post subject: |
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| I don't know what to say...well, it was short and nice, but if expanded a bit, I think it could be better. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:53 am Post subject: Re: Snow Falls |
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| shadowsoldier wrote: |
With the falling of the snow
comes silent blanket of white powder
that brings a certain joy.
Snow flakes land in my hand
only to melt away.
The free falling of the flakes
takes up my whole vision.
My footprints quickly fade away. |
Better spaced out now. I like it, it's strong and rather beautiful, sorry I can't say more. Overall: This earns a star.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine - 24 Minutes from Tulse Hill
via FoxyTunes |
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