angelicahandover
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 02 May 2008
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Country: Sunny Singapore -seriously, it's SUNNY here.-
153 Points
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:51 am Post subject: Rainbow connection -another short story- |
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A rainbow was spread wide across the sky. Little Clara looked at the rainbow, her eyes full of amazement.
"There's a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow."
Her mother had strode into her room. She was holding onto a plate of chocolate chip cookies, every growing little girl's favourite snack. Clara's eyes lit up, "Cookies!"
Clara ran up to her mother who promptly set the plate on the table. She wrapped her arms around her child. "Do you want to hear a story about the rainbow?" Clara nodded furiously. Her mother carried her and put her on the bed and sat down beside her. Stroking her hair, her mother told her the story.
'Once upon a time, a poor little old imp was taking a stroll in the park all alone. He was sad as someone he loved had died. He sat down on the bench and a pretty fairy came up to him. He sighed as the fairy sat down beside him.
"What's wrong?" the fairy asked.
To this, the imp replied, "My loved one has passed away. I want to see her again, but I know it's impossible."
The fairy shook her head, "That's not true at all! Have you ever seen a rainbow?"
The imp nodded, "Of course, but I don't see where you're getting at."
"Find a rainbow. Travel to the end of it. You'll see your loved one at the end of it."
"A rainbow..." The imp got off the bench and punched his fist in the air, "I'm gonna find a rainbow!"
He turned to thank the fairy but she was gone. And so, the imp started on his journey. He travelled all around his country, looking for a rainbow. Everytime it rained and the sun was out, his eyes would dart everywhere, looking for a rainbow. One day, months after his journey, he found one. It was huge!
The imp went to the start of the rainbow and ran to the end of it. The journey took weeks. He never stopped. He just kept running. The hope of finding his loved one drove him on. At last, at the end of the rainbow, he collasped. He was on the floor, knowing that he'd driven his body to the edge. He could die any moment now.
He closed his eyes and when he opened them again for the last time, he saw her. His loved one. She was beckoning him to close his eyes. "Don't be scared. I'm here." The imp closed his eyes, and with a smile, died.'
Clara sat on her bed, her eyes wide.
"That wasn't a nice story," she muttered.
Her mother laughed, "Maybe I shouldn't have told you that story. Did you understand it?"
Clara shook her head. She turned to look at the rainbow and helped herself to a cookie.
"Well then, just remember that story. You'll understand it when you're older."
Clara nodded. She would remember it. She would make sure of it.
Many years later, on Clara's wedding day, Clara saw a rainbow in the clear blue sky. There had been a slight drizzle just a few minutes before. She held her husband's hand, "Look darling, a rainbow."
Her husband nodded, "Ever heard of the imp and the rainbow?"
Clara nodded, "My mum told the story to me when I was younger."
"The pot of gold in the story was actually his loved one. He died trying to see his loved one. I wouldn't."
Clara eyed her husband, "What's that supposed to mean?"
Her husband laughed, "I mean, I won't die trying to find a way to see you. If you die first. And I sure as hell don't want you dying just to see me. Just wait. We'll see each other after we die. We should wait and let God decide when we should meet again."
Clara nodded, "I guess so."
Her mother appeared from behind her, "So, now do you understand the story?"
Clara smiled, "I do, mum. I do." |
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I am like the river.
Always flowing.
But sometimes never quite getting there.
~ Reminds me of my brain.  ~ Ideas flow but sometimes, nothing comes out. 
Last edited by angelicahandover on Sun May 11, 2008 6:52 am; edited 2 times in total |
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TNCowgirl
Horse Freak/ Storybook junkie
Epic Novelist
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205 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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That was good. Just put a comma in front of the fan boys
For (I think it's for)
And
Nor
But
Or
Yet
So
MOST of the time you put a comma before those, sometimes you don't. It was a good story. You might want to italics (Sp) the Imp story, but I thought it fascinating, never saw the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow like that. But that's niffty. There could be several different ways of going about this story.  .
Anyways, there wasn't much else that I thought you should do. It was good. Tell me when you put another story up in this section, I think I like your work.
TNC |
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KJ
Novelist
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221 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:05 pm Post subject: |
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I think you need a better hook. Short stories - because they're so short - need something to catch and keep the reader's attention. This didn't do it for me. I admit to skimming, because you didn't have anything very attention-grabbing, as I said.
It's an interesting idea, and this piece has potential. But you need something MORE. |
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