GryphonFledgling
How you've turned my world, you precious thing...
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1079 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: Mutts 18 |
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For new readers:
You don't have to read this short pieces in order. In fact, they can be read in any order. I just am not very original at titling. They were written as part of a 100 fic challenge where the author is given 100 one-word prompts and has to write 100 short pieces of fiction. Mine are all set in the same world and centered around the same happenings in general, but they are all about different characters and their own lives. The goal is, by the end, the reader will have a well-rounded insight in to the world and its happenings involving the Mutts.
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1/10/08
069 – Thunder
Peter lay belly-down on his dragon’s back, slowly stroking the leathery neck. It wouldn’t be too long now.
The bond between a handler and his charge was very deep. Everyone but the executives that ran the military knew that. To them, the dragon was a product, genetic merchandise, possibly not even alive.
Peter knew better, of course. After two years, he and his dragon, affectionately known as Thunder, were close as possible. Soul mates even. Peter didn’t even have to signal usually. It was as if Thunder could read his thoughts. There were times when Peter almost believed he could.
But Thunder had been in an accident. In a raid of a Mutt settlement, one of their escape tunnels collapsed as Thunder galloped over it. The dragon had fallen in, breaking both of his front legs and shattering most of his rib cage. Dragons were sturdy, but their hollow bones were not meant to withstand suddenly smashing into a hole. Thunder had tried to stop his fall, but instead he had twisted his legs into strange positions, making them even more vulnerable.
Now he was useless. Dragons were like horses; constantly on their feet. Laying down too long could twist intestines. There was no choice but to put Thunder down. An enormous dose of anesthesia would be injected and Thunder would die in his sleep. It was a peaceful way to go, Peter was glad of that, but it didn’t make it any easier for him to say good-bye.
Now he lay on Thunder, the dragon was shot through with pain-killers for now, savoring his heat of life for one last time before it would fade. Already he could see the vet approaching with the injection needle gun.
Peter hugged Thunder’s neck, then slipped off. Thunder turned his head curiously towards the approaching veterinarian, but Peter caught the dragon’s jaw and covered his eyes, normally so bright but now clouded over with drugs, with his hands.
The needle went in silently, and Thunder settled down with a deep, hot sigh. Peter closed his charge’s eyes with his fingers, then walked away. He wanted to be crying, but the tears didn’t come. Instead, he walked silently to his tent and collapsed on his bed. Burying his face in the hard pillow, he screamed long and loud. His friend was gone. The executives wouldn’t understand. They would send him a new dragon to handle. He didn’t want a new dragon. All he wanted was Thunder back.
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Thinking about it, I may go back eventually and retitle these pieces with the prompt in the title, rather than a number, which causes a bit of confusion.
Thanks for reading! |
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scasha
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Country: one that contains a chlorine like substance (a pool)
1425 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: Re: Mutts 18 |
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| Quote: |
| Peter lay belly-down on his dragon’s back, slowly stroking the leathery neck. It wouldn’t be too long now |
-- Peter lay flat on his dragon's back
| Quote: |
| To them, the dragon was a product, genetic merchandise, possibly not even alive. |
-- take out possibly not even alive
| Quote: |
but their hollow bones were not meant to withstand suddenly smashing into a hole. |
-- awkward, reword
| Quote: |
| Now he was useless. |
-- this seems kind of harsh. Since peter seems to love his dragon find a better way to phrase this
| Quote: |
| Now he lay on Thunder, the dragon was shot through with pain-killers for now, savoring his heat of life for one last time before it would fade. |
-- try to reword this, I understand what you are saying but it doesn't flow very well
I really liked this story! Great job! Just a few suggestions:
1) I think you need to portray Peter's emotions more vividly. You say that he loves him but you should try and show the readers that peter loves him. Have him cry, have him hug the dragon tightly, clasping his arms around his neck, not wanting to let go.
2) You also do a lot of telling in the story. Try instead to show the readers as in maybe start out the story with the vet approaching with the needle and then describe what happens maybe through dialogue between the vet and Peter and then have Peter bid Thunder a heartfelt goodbye.
Other than that well done! I love the world you have created in this story! Keep up the good work! |
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"Fou et tellement evidente, que je n'trouve plus de sens. A ce jeu excitant. Si bon mais si lassant. Tu aime me manipuler. Et J'en aime faire autant. Nous sommes tout deux victime. De ce doux jeu d'amants." -- Ce Jeu par Yelle |
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Runawaythoughts
Writer
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Joined: 27 Mar 2008
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Reviews: 35
228 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 8:16 pm Post subject: |
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Great Job!
Your last reviewer caught a lot of your mistakes, and im not going to make you feel like a loser by repeating them, so besides that here goes.
| Quote: |
| and his dragon,[no comma] affectionately known as Thunder, were close as possible. [change to a semi-colon so the next sentence isnt a fargment] [if you listen to me by making that period a semi, you'll also need to lowercase this 's'] Soul mates even. |
1) You didn't give descriptions of what peter or the dragon look like. You need some imagery. You may think Peter is super athletic and has short brown hair. I could think of peter as a fat short kid who has long red hair down to his butt! Give yoiur reader at least a little something to build the characters in their head off of.
2) Emotions. Your saying things but that doesn't prove anything. I could say love my salad, but that doesn't mean anything. Give examples of why you love it, make your characters show it!
As your last reviewer said, show not tell.
3)A lot of this was an info dump. I know its practically impossible to make a short story not info-dumpy, but hey, at least give it a shot.
I'm going to read the others, so i hope i helped you out a little with this review. |
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