Topic ID: 29904
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scissorquiz
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:39 am Post subject: victims |
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i havent written in a long time and am about to get back into it, here's the last thing i wrote. i'm senor saurkraut from tywc if anyone remembers me.
happy mindless hybrids gnash their teeth and say the world will end
i take a look around me , sit back and watch it all begin
fires devour neighborhoods and rivers overflow their banks
devils tear out helpless throats so they can move up in the ranks
bodies rot in city streets and angry skies cause flooded homes
tyrants reign in stolen seats and pick their teeth with peasant bones
we're veterans of a ruined world, caught in an oppressive system
i pay their misdemeanor cash flow - no choice but to be a victim |
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fallenangel1239
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: Re: victims |
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That's actually a pretty good poem. rhyming was done well too. That always seems to be something that I end up having trouble with. Almost all my poems won't rhyme. But I guess that's just me. Good Job. You should keep writing more though.
| scissorquiz wrote: |
| we're veterans of a ruined world, caught in an oppressive system |
I have to agree with that. We're stuck here, the world ruined around us. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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In terms of content, it's nice. Er, as nice as an apocalyptic/anti-apocalyptic poem can be. I just have trouble reading it as a whole. Each new line seems to be its own image, which is fine, but the don't flow into each other as well as they could. It's as if there's a period after each line, and that makes everything seem a little disjointed, as if I should take a big breath after each line and start new.
Why didn't you capitalise "I"? Not going to call you out on it or anything, just curious ^_^
I like how the beginning and end were linked with these lines; I think that's an important poetic quality:
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| i take a look around me , sit back and watch it all begin |
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| i pay their misdemeanor cash flow - no choice but to be a victim |
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AmberAngst
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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| This poem really put alot of disturbing images in my head, but that's what you want to do. You could have you used a slightly better sense of imagery though (even though it was good enough). Also, this poem did not flow right. Try using some better punctuation, maybe add some periods or semicolons in there. Great job! |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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I agree. It was pretty good and you broke away from the uber cliche-ness I find in most poems! *gives you candy*
On the other hand, the images could be stronger, but that's just me. |
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ink_on_fire
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hey...
Not bad.
But I truly think you shouldn't have the rhyme. It's such a strong poem and the words are so forceful that the rhyme seems to take that effect away...
Thats my thoughts 
But well done. I quite like this.
Peace V 
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JennyK
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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| I really like how you put something that is so true in reaslity into such a vivid description. I could see the images as i read it. In my opinion this is very well written. |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:10 am Post subject: |
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I'd have to say capitalize your Is and all the other begining words in a new line.
Flowing pefectly in my point of veiw it's pretty good. |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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I see that he has obviously not capitalized his I's on purpose. I don't mind it at all, it gives it a sort of ee cummings feel. Which by the way I love ee cummings..
Anyways! I like the images, and I thought it flowed quite well. I like the idea behind it and the way it was put together, and obviously thought about.
I don't see anything wrong.
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scissorquiz
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:22 am Post subject: |
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yeah, guys, i don't ever capitalize anything ever.
this place seems to be pretty uptight about grammatical rules.
thanks for the responses! when i wrote this, it was just after hurricane katrina and there were all those wildfires in california, in case you were wondering about the imagery. this isn't apocalyptic, it is about right now. the president and such. |
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faith
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my goodness...it's Robby! I don't frequent this site too often myself anymore, but how could I forget the acerbic Senor Sauerkraut from TYWC?
About the poem...I'm not sure if it works as a free-verse poem for me, it seems more like song lyrics...actually it would make a great Tool song or something. As I was reading it, it sort of caught the rhythm of one of their songs...Sober I think.
Anyway, good to see you back. |
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