Topic ID: 29915
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015042
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: Bathing In The Moonlight |
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Bathing In The Moonlight
My mother said
I should never leave
the house after dark
because you never know what might be out
there…
but out in the darkness
is where I live best.
Me and the moon.
You’re free to be
whomever you feel like,
no one can tell you
how to wear your hair,
or who can be your friend,
or to tell you how un cool you are.
Living in the dark,
just me and the moon.
The soft glow of fireflies
lights up only part of the darkness,
but lights up the whole world for me.
Representing how small things
can make a big difference;
showing me that if
tons of people work together
they can achieve big things…
if people would let me in.
I think about this,
with me and the moon.
Bright shimmering stars,
glistening from above.
Pin pricks in black construction paper.
I don’t know exactly where
the light that’s behind the paper comes from,
shining through the miniature holes.
Lighting up me
and the rock I'm sitting on.
Illuminating my world of
me and the moon.
The trees around me;
casting shadows into my view.
Throwing dark shapes into my mind…
pictures of my outcast face at school.
People ignoring me entirely,
as if I'm not there.
Just because I'm me!
Which is why I love
pushing that part of me away,
while I'm with
me and myself.
Bathing in the moonlight. |
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Last edited by 015042 on Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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Not... really anything new or intersting, and with a title like this, I expected a better peice. This is pure navelgazing and nothing new. Worse you use cliches:
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You’re free to be
whomever you feel like,
no one can tell you
how to wear your hair,
or who can be your friend,
or to tell you how un cool you are.
Living in the dark,
just me and the moon. |
That is just so cliche ridden.
This just tell us everything, you bore the reader with an uninteresting concept. Such as:
| Quote: |
My mama said,
I should never leave
the house after dark!
because you never know what might be out
there…
but out in the darkness
is where I live best.
Me and the moon. (Hardly original and very weak) |
Another nit pick is you've not used sufficient puntuation. This poem has it in the wrong places and not put in.
It's sad you tell us everything because even though it bored me it has some beautiful imagery.
Overall: You drone on and the title doesn't suit the poem. Lastly you tell us it all. Show don't tell! Great imagery, but hidden over the mass of uneeded information.
Good luck
VSN |
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AmberAngst
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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Here, I feel like you're talking to yourself. I think you should try writing your poetry so that your readers think you are talking to them, so that they get a certain sense of what the narrator is feeling.
And I have to agree with Vernon. Your imagery is great, but you give us a little too much information. Along with that, your punctuation in the first stanza immediately caught my attention:
"My mama said,
I should never leave
the house after dark!"
I feel like your mother is speaking these words, and that you're a little too excited. Try changing mama to 'mother' to make it fit better, remove the comma and the exclaimation point, then see how you like it. It'll make a big difference! |
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015042
New Member
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Age: 14
Joined: 03 Dec 2007
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Country: Brrrr.....
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you! I changed what you thought I should Amber! |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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I really do think this has potential to be a really great poem. I truly believe that. I really enjoy the concept but the message of this poem could have been so much more interesting if you rid this thing of cliches, like Vernon said.
The worst stanza for me was this one:
| Quote: |
You’re free to be
whomever you feel like,
no one can tell you
how to wear your hair,
or who can be your friend,
or to tell you how un cool you are.
Living in the dark,
just me and the moon. |
It reminded me of my school therapist to be honest. (Whom I visit more often than not) ;\
It's obvious that you wanted to write something uplifting and inspirational, which is great, I often read material like this when I'm in a "not-so-great" mood, but motivational poetry needs to be handled delicately. When used in a way that is really "to the point" and blunt makes it quite cheesy, which unfortunately is how your poem came over.
You need some hardcore editing, but I think you have something here. |
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