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Of Our Fellow Men
Of Our Fellow Men

by Nolan in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 8, 2008
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Mist. Mysterious. Mystical. [ignore this.]

Mist. Mysterious. Mystical. (Chapter 1)
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:43 am    Post subject: Mist. Mysterious. Mystical. (Chapter 1) Reply with quote

Mist. Where was all this bloody mist coming from? Cale looked around, disorientated. He didn't recognize his surroundings.

"I'm not in the marsh, am I?" he questioned himself aloud. He needed to hear the sound of his own voice for reassurance that he hadn't gone deaf. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear.

He sensed death and sorrow all around him. Where was this place? Why did he feel so much pain, anger and sorrow? It confused him. "Is anyone here?" he called out. Someone wailed in response. Finally! A soul!

Cale ran towards the direction of the wail. His heart beat in his ears. He could hear his own footsteps and breathing. He ran through the translucent mist and finally got to the source of the noise. He saw a woman, kneeling on the mud, bawling her eyes out. "Excuse me miss..." The woman looked up. Her face was covered with mist.

"Bloody mist..." Cale cursed. He tried his best to look at as many features of the woman as possible. She had blonde hair. The same colour as Tendra, his lover. The same length too. Other than that, he saw nothing else of the woman.

He took a step forward, "What's the matter?" The mist started to part.

"Cale!"

Cale woke up, startled. "Bloody hell..." He looked at Tendra, "What's your problem?" It was just a dream. He sighed in relief.

"I heard you calling out, excuse me, miss! and cursing too. You said some other things too, but you were mumbling so I couldn't hear. I thought you were having a wet dream or something. So I decided to wake you up."

Tendra stood at the bedside, fully dressed. Her hair was wet from her bath and she was glowering at him.

Cale blushed, "How could you say something like that in a straight face?"

Tendra grinned, "I knew it. I wonder who it was..."

"Tendra! Please, don't be so--"

"So accusing? It is true after all."

Cale shrugged and got out of bed. "What? You're not denying it?" Tendra's eyes widened.

"I see no point in arguing with you in the morning. I won't win anyway. What with your amazing nagging powers in the morning and all. I'm going to hunt." Cale took his shortsword from the table. It's a lucky sword, his mum had said when she passed it to him. "Alright, lucky sword... What are you going to bring to the village this morning?"

Tendra laughed, "A wild boar would be good!"

"A wild boar? Alright then. I'll see you later." Cale planted a kiss on Tendra's lips, "I love you."

Tendra watched him go out of their house. She called after him, "Cale!"

"Aye?"

"Make sure to come home early."

"Aye, mum..."

Cale trudged through the marsh's muddy waters. This was where most of the wild boars gathered to have a drink. It was misty. Cale was reminded of his dream earlier that morning. His eyes darted around, trying to spot a woman crying.

The marsh had always been misty, but not as misty as it was today. Ironically, Cale was the only hunter in the marsh that day. Everyone else was probably getting ready for the feast to celebrate the Elder's birthday. The wild boar would be a late edition to the feast then, Cale thought to himself.

He stepped onto dry land and looked at the state of his pants. He could already imagine Tendra's face when she saw him in the state he was in. He walked towards the end of the marsh. Cale stopped short in his tracks. He could've sworn that he'd heard a grunt.

He spun around and faced a large wild boar. It was at the edge, drinking the water. In this country, there weren't many water sources around. Most were surrounded by the village. Elves left water at the edge of the village in a holes that the villagers themselves had dug to serve as watering holes. Lately though, the animals seemed to prefer the water in the marsh.

Cale thought it was stupid. Why drink muddy water when they had the choice of drinking the water that the elves left out for them? It was then that Cale realized that the marsh was actually quite a tranquil place. He had never stopped to relish its beauty before. Perhaps the animals liked this place better than the edge of the village? To Cale, the answer was obvious. He'd choose the marsh. A physical environment suited animals better, after all.

He stealthily creeped over to the boar. He planned to slit its throat so it could die immediately. His lucky sword had been sharpened just the day before so there was no need to worry about it not going through the whole way. Cale unsheathed his sword. The animal's ears pricked up. "Oh damn."

The animal spotted Cale. It bolted the moment it spotted the sword. "Bloody hell..." Cale chased after the panicking boar. The boar had reached the end of the marsh and was breathing heavily. The boar saw Cale approaching it. It spun around and ran off, through the trees. Cale followed it and ran through the trees.

What greeted him when he went through the trees was unexpected. He was in a forest. "I don't remember there being a forest here..." he muttered. He remembered that the Elder had told the village not to go beyond the marsh. It was the human's world beyond the marsh. "Oh, damn." He had crossed over to the human world.

Cale panicked. How was he supposed to get back?!

He then remembered. The boar. Where was the boar? Perhaps if he followed it from a distance, it would head back to the marsh, thinking Cale had gone. Cale glanced around. The air smelt weird in the human world. It smelt of chaos and uncertainty. And he could sense the boar nearby, watching him.

Cale sighed and sheathed his sword. He ran his hand through his long, raven black hair, "Fine, boar. You win. Come out and lead me back to the Elf world now please. Before the Elder finds out and I'm screwed." The boar came out from its hiding spot. Elves could communicate with animals. In fact, elves could communicate with anything connected to nature. However, Cale hadn't been using this special ability that he and the other elves possessed.

The boar walked cautiously up to Cale. It nudged Cale's hand. Cale petted it in response. "I can believe I was going to kill this intelligent creature..." he thought. He liked this animal, and the animal liked him. It was licking his hand. To Cale, that meant that it liked him, and not trying to taste him or anything. Boars were omnivorous but Cale doubted that elves were on the boar's menu.

He told the boar to lead him back into the Elf world. The boar grunted in reply and walked to a bush. It waited for Cale to approach and went through. Cale followed suit by crawling on his hands and knees. He got through and saw the boar waiting for him. It grunted and walked off. Cale yelled thanks and ran off. That special ability sure came in handy in times of need.

Cale reached the village and was sweating profusely. He wiped the beads of sweat on his forehead off and took a deep breath. The Elder had a way of intimidating people with his air of authority and gruff voice. Cale knew the Elder quite well because Tendra was his great-great-granddaughter. Cale often wondered how on earth the two could be related. One was beautiful and the other was well, ancient. He was the only elf with the traditional long elf ears. He was the only one in the village who would live longer than the rest with his long lifespan.

Elves had long lost their long ears and they were now the size of human's but with a sharp tip at the end. They had also lost their long lifespans. They now lived as long as humans did. However, the elves still had their strong physique. And their superior fighting skills.

Cale adjusted his clothes and hoped that he would look fairly presentable. He would run to the house and have a change of clothes after informing Tendra that there would be no boar to feast on.

Tendra was seated beside the Elder. Beside Tendra was Lyn, her sister. Lyn was the total opposite of her sister in terms of personality. She was a fencer and was one of the best fighters in the village. She was as beautiful as her sister when she didn't have a fierce expression on her face -which was almost always there when Cale was around-. She seemed like one of those people who were unhappy with the world. But one thing was for certain, she loved her sister. Their parents had died in the war but not before leaving their children in the care of the Elder.

Cale reached Tendra's seat, "Sorry for being late."

"Don't worry about it. Where's the boar?"

Cale gulped, "Well, it was too intelligent to kill and so--"

"Just go greet the Elder and get changed as quickly as possible please." A tone of irritation was evident in her voice.

Cale nodded. He walked over to the Elder and bowed. He then ran off towards the house to get changed. The Elder watched him run off. He then said, "That boy smells funny."

Cale banged the door open and grabbed his clothes on the bed. Tendra had left them there for him to use. A black silk jacket lay on the bed. Cale slipped it on and changed his pants. He neatened up his hair, "I'd better hurry up."

He ran back to the feast area. The elves' eyes were widened in fear. Cale looked at them, wondering what had scared them. Cale was standing right behind the Elder's chair. The Elder got off and turned to face Cale. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was red. Cale was frightened by the sight of the Elder so angry.

The Elder wrapped his hands around Cale's neck. His eyes flashed with anger. "Wha... What are you... doing...?" Cale struggled to say. Behind the Elder's relatively big bulk, he saw Tendra sobbing and screaming.

The Elder suspended Cale up in the air, "You smell of humans," he hissed. Cale's vision was getting blurry. "No... Please... Don't..." With that, the Elder slammed Cale to the ground. And he blacked out.


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Last edited by rubberduck on Sun May 11, 2008 10:34 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite humourous, but then it's still far too short!! x_x Nothing much has happened here... In fact, you can combine Ch 2 and Ch1 together and still call it half a chapter.

"Quality over quantity"... I know... But seriously, nothing much happened o.olll

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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I changed it. Smile

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Longer now, but a few points you can improve on...



Tendra stood at the bedside, fully dressed. Her hair was wet from her bath and she glowed.
---

If she wasn't actually glowing, the correct expression would be,"Her hair was wet from her bath and she was glowering at him."



It spun around and ran off, through the trees. Cale followed it and ran through the trees.
---
If you already stated that Cale was following him, you can omit the next "ran through the trees" as it would sound less awkward. A better sentence would be "It spun around and ran off through the trees, Cale hot in its pursuit."


And for the other scenes.... It would be better if you hadn't rushed through them and put more adjectives and sentences describing the events for more "impact".

Other than that, keep writing!

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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:09 pm    Post subject: Re: Mist. Mysterious. Mystical. (Chapter 1) Reply with quote

rubberduck wrote:
Mist. Where was all this bloody mist coming from? Cale looked around, disorientated. He can't seem to recognize what surrounds him

"I'm not in the marsh, am I?" he questioned out loud, making sure that he's not going deaf. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear.

He sensed death and sorrow all around him. Where could he be? Why did he feel so much pain, anger and sorrow?can he feel such strong emotions? Such anger and fear? "Hello?" Cale calls out to one in particular. Someone wailed in response. Finally! A soul!

Cale ran towards the direction from where he heard the sound. Almost hearing his heartbeat and the noise of his footsteps. He saw a woman, kneeling on the mud, bawling her eyes out.

"Are you alright?" He asks. The woman looks up. Her face blurry because of the mist. "Bloody mist..." Cale cursed as he tried to figure out the feautures of the lady. She has blonde hair. The same colour as Tendra's, his lover. The same length too. Other than that, he saw nothing else of the woman.

He took a step forward, "What's the matter?" The mist starts to clear up.


"Cale!"

He opens his eyes surprised. "Bloody Hell!" He curses then looked at Tendra, "What's your problem?"

It was all just a dream after all. He then sighes with relief.


"I heard you calling out, excuse me, miss! and cursing too. You said some other things too, but you were mumbling so I [b]can't understand what you were saying." She explains, looking at Cale with conern. "I though you were having a nightmare so I decided to check on you." Tendra sits on the bed side, wearing her bathrobe. She just took a bath and her hair is wet. Then her eyes began to cloud as she glares at him.

Cale blushed, "How could you say something like that in a straight face?"

Tendra grinned, "I knew it," she says swatting him playfully. "I wonder who she is.."

"Tendra, would you please be not so--"

"Jealous?" She cuts in. "Why shouldn't I be?"

Cale shrugs and gets out of bed.

"What? You're not denying it?" Tendra's eyes widened.

"I see no point in arguing with you in the morning. I won't win anyway. What with your amazing nagging powers in the morning and all." Cale took his shortsword from the table.

"I'm going to hunt." It's a lucky sword, his mum had said when she passed it to him. "Alright, lucky sword. What are you going to bring to the village today?"


Tendra laughed, "A wild boar would be good!"

"A wild boar? Alright then. I'll see you later." Cale then leaned forward and kisses Tendra's lips. "I love you."

Tendra watched him go out of their house. She called after him, "Cale!"

"Aye?"

"Make sure to come home early."

"Aye, mum...".


The one in bold are my edits. Though I'm not sure if I'm right. I'd prefer if you'd lessen the character's cursing.

But over all. The plot is good. Smile
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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 4:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting, you did a really good job. But I think this would do better with a prologue. It raises some questions though, why did their life span shorten. Why are they forbidden to go to the human world. You should also spend a little more time building the culture of the town. The moment he gets back from the march it jumps to the party, and before you know it he's unconscious.

But overall you did a really good job, the events flow together fairly well, if a bit stiff towards the end. Personally I'd like to read more and I hope you keep posting. Cale's seems like he's fairly young but maybe you should mention his age.

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

rubberduck,

Hello there. Esme here, and it’s me who’ll have the pleasure of critting your piece. Onward, then.




Quote:
He needed to hear the sound of his own voice for reassurance that he hadn't gone deaf. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear.

Deaf, deaf.


Quote:
He could hear his own footsteps and breathing. He ran through the translucent mist and finally got to the source of the noise. He saw a woman, kneeling on the mud, bawling her eyes out.

He did this, he did that…


Quote:
"Excuse me miss..."

Comma.


Quote:
The same colour as Tendra, his lover.

You stated a fact, and I - I feel that I should care. But I don’t, because you continue with what was before… All in all, I don’t like the reference.


Quote:
He took a step forward, "What's the matter?"

Period.


Quote:
He looked at Tendra, "What's your problem?"

Period. “And asked,” or something of the sorts, if you want to keep it.


Quote:
"Cale planted a kiss on Tendra's lips, "I love you."

Period, or the above, yes?


Quote:
He could already imagine Tendra's face when she saw him in the state he was in.

Well, I can’t, since I don’t know her enough. Elaborate?


Quote:
A physical environment suited animals better, after all.

Physical environment?

Quote:
He stealthily creeped over to the boar. He planned to slit its throat so it could die immediately.

Hmm, perhaps merge these two. Creeped - crept.


Quote:
Cale followed it and ran through the trees.

The same expression is used again, in the sentence before. Or the other way around, if you wish, but, fix that.


Quote:
"Oh, damn." He had crossed over to the human world.

A statement. Elaborate?


Quote:
Fine, boar. You win.

Haha.


Quote:
It nudged Cale's hand. Cale petted it in response

Merge? And, “petted”? I’m not sure here though.


Quote:
Elves had long lost their long ears and they were now the size of human's but with a sharp tip at the end. They had also lost their long lifespans. They now lived as long as humans did. However, the elves still had their strong physique. And their superior fighting skills.

Why is this here? Perhaps it ought to be at the point where he is hunting… Here it looks slightly out pof place, a bit out o f the blue.


Quote:
She was a fencer and was one of the best fighters in the village. She was as beautiful as her sister when she didn't have a fierce expression on her face -which was almost always there when Cale was around-.

Why the hyphens?


Quote:
Cale reached Tendra's seat, "Sorry for being late."

Period.


Quote:
He neatened up his hair, "I'd better hurry up."

Period.


Quote:
With that, the Elder slammed Cale to the ground. And he blacked out.

But it’s Cale whimpering etc., and so why, “with that”?


Well, enough of the nitpicks. Let’s move on toward the (I think) more interesting part.


CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Show, not tell. There’s one paragraph that I quoted, and there that has to change. The reader’s eyes would slide over the text, yes, but…

-> Transition between dream and reality. That ought to be emphasized, perhaps by an extra line break?

-> Tendra. In the first part, there is a lot of her, yet somehow, I don’t care much for the woman. Really. And you should make me care. The dialogue at the end was funny, yes, but Tendra!..

-> The crossing from one world to another. That crossing itself is described, yes, yet I’d like to see that section expanded, more details as to Cale himself given…

-> Punctuation. You have comma before dialogue sentences, and sometimes it shouldn’t be there. If it’s not a description as to how it was said, then more often that not, it shouldn’t. There was some lovely article concerning that topic here on YWS.


FANTASTIC!

-> I liked the idea of that dream… it was all so mysterious, and I wonder what impact that’ll have on the story later on.

-> Dialogue, more often that not. His parting with Tendra, and that conversation with the boar - hilarious.

-> The plot. Looks very, very interesting and has potential… I wonder what’ll become of it!

-> Vocab. Yours is wide, and that really helps visualize the events that take place in the story.



Well, that would be all. Thanks for posting!
Esme

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 5:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.

I really enjoyed this! I really liked the word choices and the descriptions were very good.

I also (call me a cheater, but all the same...) like how you spaced the paragraphs. It made it seem longer than it actually is. (Yesyes, I AM weird)

ANYHOO...

I also liked the mist, also. "Bloody mist!" Haha, that made me laugh... I dunno why, but it did... =P

Good job, once again, and kudos to you!
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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 6:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now some stories need a Prologue, but this story doesn't. Now it is an interesting story. The beginning pulled me into it, but as it got deeper towards the part where he was leaving for the hunt....now that confused me.
Thats the part where you slacked. You cant start a story off that good, with excellent adjectives,and just stop it.
I also think you should have described the area, and his surroundings more.
Like what season was it?
How did the bedroom look?
How did the sword look?(besides short)
Many things you can ad to keep pulling your readers deeper.

Its a good story. I am looking forward to the next chapter, but you should edit this before you do that.

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Disclaimer: I am about to be brutally honest, please do not take it as a personal attack, but rather as constructive criticism.

Quote:
"I'm not in the marsh, am I?" he questioned himself aloud. He needed to hear the sound of his own voice for reassurance that he hadn't gone deaf. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear.


Deaf and deafening sound really redundant. If you still want to keep the verbage try rewritting it so that it reads like "I'm not in the marsh, am I?" He questioned himself aloud. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear. He needed to hear the sound of his own voice for reassurance that he hadn't gone deaf. It sounds a little better.


Quote:
He sensed death and sorrow all around him. Where was this place? Why did he feel so much pain, anger and sorrow?


Again the use of sorrow so close together sounds very redundant. Just cut it out of the second sentence entirely.

Quote:
He tried his best to look at as many features of the woman as possible. She had blonde hair. The same colour as Tendra, his lover. The same length too. Other than that, he saw nothing else of the woman.


Instead of saying her hair was the same length as Tendra why don't you tell us exactly how long her hair was. And add a little more description to the color of hair. Blonde is very vauge since there are a million shades of it. For example you could write: Cale struggled to see her hidden features. All that he could make out was her shoulder-length platinum blonde hair. The same color as Tendra, his lover. He could see nothing else of the mysterious woman.

Quote:
Cale woke up, startled. "Bloody hell..." He looked at Tendra, "What's your problem?" It was just a dream. He sighed in relief.


Boring. I'm bored at this point. Give me more details!! Cale jolted awake. "Bloody hell." It was just a dream. "What's your problem?" He glared at Tendra as he settled back onto his pillow, some of the tension leaving his body. See? It is a bit more exciting to read because I can almost hear his sigh of relief. He doesn't have to give a sigh of relief to show relief. Wow, that was redundant.

Quote:
"I heard you calling out, excuse me, miss! and cursing too. You said some other things too, but you were mumbling so I couldn't hear. I thought you were having a wet dream or something. So I decided to wake you up."


Tendra stood at the bedside, fully dressed. Her hair was wet from her bath and she was glowering at him.


Cale blushed, "How could you say something like that in a straight face?"


Tendra grinned, "I knew it. I wonder who it was..."


"Tendra! Please, don't be so--"


"So accusing? It is true after all."


Cale shrugged and got out of bed. "What? You're not denying it?" Tendra's eyes widened.


"I see no point in arguing with you in the morning. I won't win anyway. What with your amazing nagging powers in the morning and all. I'm going to hunt." Cale took his shortsword from the table. It's a lucky sword, his mum had said when she passed it to him. "Alright, lucky sword... What are you going to bring to the village this morning?"


Tendra laughed, "A wild boar would be good!"


Sorry but it feels flat to me. Where are the emotions? The deep descriptions of Cale and his lover? First of all, I know absolutely nothing of what Cale looks like and all that I know of Tendra is that she is blonde and wet. You could throw in a lot of descriptions in this dialouge of their surroundings as well. I really had no clue what time or where this scene was taking place except for the obvious like in the morning in Cale's bedroom. Furthermore, if I were Tendra and I thought you had been fantisizing about another woman and then you call me a nag I would not be laughing. I would have red rage engulf my naked body and I would throw a bowl or something at your head. I would storm around the house cursing every single male being even if you were the only one I was mad at. Also "I see no point in arguing with you in the morning. What with your amazing nagging powers in the morning and all." You have a strong tendency to repeat yourself. We figured it out that it was morning from the first sentence, why repeat it again? Finally, I really want a description of the sword besides being short. Describe the hilt, the color of the blade. Is the sword magnificient or just a dull hand-me-down? If it is your lucky sword it should have a great importance in the story and therefore deserves a good description.

Quote:
The marsh had always been misty, but not as misty as it was today.


In the paragraph before you said it was misty. Get a theasaurus and see if you can come up with a different word than misty. If not, describe the mist as a gauzy veil or curtain of fog.

Quote:
He stepped onto dry land and looked at the state of his pants. He could already imagine Tendra's face when she saw him in the state he was in.


You stated the word state twice close together again. I don't know maybe it is just one of my biggest pet peeves but there are a million words in the English language. Seriously invest in a theasaurus, it is one of my best used tools. A lot of word processors already have one built in like spell check. Also, describe what Tendra's face would look like. Cale could just see Tendra's face contort into a disapproving frown when she saw him in the state he was.

Quote:
Elves left water at the edge of the village in a holes that the villagers themselves had dug to serve as watering holes.


delete the a right before holes.

Quote:
He stealthily creeped over to the boar.


crept instead of creeped. I like the stealthily, very descriptive!! Kudos!

Quote:
"Bloody hell..." Cale chased after the panicking boar. The boar had reached the end of the marsh and was breathing heavily. The boar saw Cale approaching it. It spun around and ran off, through the trees. Cale followed it and ran through the trees.


"Bloody hell." The boar, the boar, the boar. Try the beast, the wild pig, etc. Also through the trees and through the trees. I think we both know this is redundant.

Quote:
What greeted him when he went through the trees was unexpected. He was in a forest. "I don't remember there being a forest here..." he muttered. He remembered that the Elder had told the village not to go beyond the marsh. It was the human's world beyond the marsh. "Oh, damn." He had crossed over to the human world.


You recaptured my interest here and then lost it. What greeted him when he went through the trees was unexpected. Such a great line, I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was so unexpected. Then you wrote, he was in a forest. Ah, what a let down! Maybe there could actually be several humans in the distance that haven't noticed you. Maybe the forest could be different then the forests in the elf world. I kind of expected him to be in a forest when you wrote trees as in plural. It was the human's world beyond the marsh, he had entered the human world. Redundant. Oh damn and he panicked don't seem to do this crossover much justice. Describe to us Cale's pulse, his shaky hands, the sweat on his forehead, the queasy feeling in his stomach, his labored breathing. Think of how you would feel if you were to go somewhere or do something you weren't supposed to do. How would you describe the guilt you would be feeling, and how scared you would be if you were to get caught. And then on top of that throw in the feeling of being lost. Trust me, if you only describe this scene in more depth it will make your story tons better!!

Quote:
However, Cale hadn't been using this special ability that he and the other elves possessed.


I felt this line was unnecessary, I'd just delete it.

Quote:
I can believe I was going to kill this intelligent creature..." he thought. He liked this animal, and the animal liked him. It was licking his hand. To Cale, that meant that it liked him, and not trying to taste him or anything.


"I can't believe I was going to kill this intelligent creature," he thought. Liked, liked, liked. Cale found himself warming up to the animal as it licked his hand. He figured the animal liked him too and was not trying to taste him. Cut out or anything, because that sounds like something a teenage girl would say in a phone conversation. "Its like not like he was trying to like taste me or anything, like." = )

Quote:

Cale reached the village and was sweating profusely. He wiped the beads of sweat on his forehead off and took a deep breath. The Elder had a way of intimidating people with his air of authority and gruff voice. Cale knew the Elder quite well because Tendra was his great-great-granddaughter. Cale often wondered how on earth the two could be related. One was beautiful and the other was well, ancient. He was the only elf with the traditional long elf ears. He was the only one in the village who would live longer than the rest with his long lifespan.


Elves had long lost their long ears and they were now the size of human's but with a sharp tip at the end. They had also lost their long lifespans. They now lived as long as humans did. However, the elves still had their strong physique. And their superior fighting skills.


Okay, so the Elder is ancient, we could kind of figure that by his name. Describe to us what makes him look so old beside the long lifespan and long ears. Is his skin wrinkled like a crumpled piece of paper? Does he have those lovely blue varicose veins that seem to cover all old people? What color is his hair or does he even have any hair? And Tendra is beautiful....so what? What makes her beautiful? Does she have an amazing megawatt smile? Are her eyes a strange color seductively framed by thick flirtatious lashes? Is her skin like delicate porcelain? Is it an inner beauty that radiates out through her cherry blossomed cheeks and surrounds her in a surreal glowing aura? Give us a description of how different these two people are, and perhaps not just their physical differences because it is very easy for an old man and a young woman to be very different. You said the Elder is intimidating, gruff, with an air of authority. He also seems short tempered and rather strong for an old man by what I read at the end of the story. But Tendra is soft, gentle, sexy, caring, motherly, etc. In addition, I'm not sure I like the bit about the elves losing their long life span and such. Maybe this info could be gradually introduced or placed somewhere else in the story.

Quote:
Tendra was seated beside the Elder. Beside Tendra was Lyn, her sister. Lyn was the total opposite of her sister in terms of personality. She was a fencer and was one of the best fighters in the village. She was as beautiful as her sister when she didn't have a fierce expression on her face -which was almost always there when Cale was around-. She seemed like one of those people who were unhappy with the world.


Again this lacks details. We don't really know much of Tendra's personality so how can we compare her to her sister. From what you have written I figue Lyn is tough, pessimistic, a tomboy perhaps. You do not give us a pyhsical description of Lyn other than beautiful and always wearing a fierce expression. I visualized her as being dark haired since Tendra is blonde. But if that is not what Lyn looks like then how will your readers know? Please give us more than just beautiful, because in reality a lot of people have different opinions of what beautiful is. What are the hyphens for? Take those out. I like the line she seemed like one of those people who were unhappy with the world. Very descriptive and it gave me a brief look at Lyn's personality. Definitely keep this line.

Quote:
"Just go greet the Elder and get changed as quickly as possible please." A tone of irritation was evident in her voice.


Cale nodded. He walked over to the Elder and bowed. He then ran off towards the house to get changed.


Get changed, to get changed. Instead maybe have Tendra's response be "You look horrible. Couldn't you wear something else?" Her voice was edged with irritation, "Just go greet the Elder."
Cale nodded. He walked over to the Elder and bowed. He then ran off towards the house to get changed.

Quote:
Cale banged the door open and grabbed his clothes on the bed. Tendra had left them there for him to use. A black silk jacket lay on the bed. Cale slipped it on and changed his pants. He neatened up his hair, "I'd better hurry up."


Here is another chance to show why Tendra is Cole's lover. Instead of Tendra had left them there for him to use, which sounds pretty boring why not write, Tendra had carefully laid out a black silk jacket and freshly startched pants on his bed. Do you realize how hard it is to startch pants? Any woman that startches pants for her man obviously loves him a lot. He neatened up his hair. "I'd better hurry up." Period no comma.


And there is my long-winded critique. I appreciate you sticking with me this long and I hope this really helps. Your story has a great plot line and the characters could be really strong if you developed them more. I love the ending, you show the Elder's rage very well and I am excited to see what happens next. Banishment, perhaps?
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Mist. Mysterious. Mystical. (Chapter 1) Reply with quote

rubberduck wrote:
He needed to hear the sound of his own voice for reassurance that he hadn't gone deaf. The deafening silence was too much for him to bear.


I don't think you need the word 'deafening' before the word 'silence', it's too much repetition.

Quote:
He sensed death and sorrow all around him.


How do you sense death and sorrow? I think you should say something that suggests death and sorrow instead, like "Cale had an urge to cry and felt a shiver down his back, as if he was at a funeral in which the body had just raised a body out of the casket." (I actually quite like that line, am tempted to keep it myself for one of my own stories haha! No, seriously you can have it if you want.)

Quote:
Why did he feel so much pain, anger and sorrow? It confused him.


Again, you're saying not showing. Don't list that he felt 'pain, anger and sorrow' and that he felt confusion because of it, show it by describing in a sentence like the funeral one I posted above.

Quote:
Someone wailed in response. Finally! A soul!


I like the end of the line, but I think you should change the 'someone wailed' part to 'a wail echoed in the distance', or something. Don't say someone, as it specifies a person, and I think you should keep the reader guessing, especially considering the last line says 'soul', which isn't always human! Smile

Quote:
Cale ran towards the direction of the wail.

I think you should use a different word instead of 'wail' here.

Quote:
His heart beat in his ears. He could hear his own footsteps and breathing. He ran through the translucent mist and finally got to the source of the noise. He saw a woman, kneeling on the mud, bawling her eyes out.


I think you should consider changing this passive voice here, it's quite monotonous with 'he could hear...he ran... he saw...' Try spicing it up a bit and changing the sentences around a little. Also, the sentence 'his heartbeat in his ears' is rather random, and I think you should consider changing the sentence to link with the following, something like: 'With his heartbeat in his ears, Cale could only hear his own footsteps and heavy breathing." (I added the word heavy just for a bit of added description to create a better line rhythm, rather than just 'heartbeat... footsteps... breathing', the added word breaks it up a little bit.)

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The woman looked up. Her face was covered with mist.


I think this could be all one sentence: "The woman looked up; her face all covered with mist" sounds a little less fragmented.

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I thought you were having a wet dream or something

Eww, haha! As far as I was aware wet dreams aren't associated with nightmares... Confused

Quote:
In this country, there weren't many water sources around. Most were surrounded by the village.


Again, there's no need for the fragmentation of sentences, use a comma in the middle of a large sentence, rather than having two separate sentences.

Quote:
Elves left water at the edge of the village in a holes


I'm guessing this is a typo, but I think you mean 'village in holes', rather than 'village in a holes' which conjures up a different image entirely Laughing

Quote:
With that, the Elder slammed Cale to the ground. And he blacked out.

Another sentence fragmentation. It might work, but you shouldn't start a sentence with 'and', so i think you should just combine the two.

That's all my edits I have to contribute! Oh, I am aware that somethings that I critiqued other people had already mentioned, but I stated them anyway because I gave suggestions on most as to how to rectify the sentences I took issue with. Also, nothing personal, but I disagree with the majority of cookiepirate's edits. I think your original is better than her edits.

Hope I helped! PM me when you put up another part, I wouldn't mind reading some more!
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok, first of all, great story, reminds me of the way i sometimes write

second, this is for all the people who suggested the changes (the term has eluded me...) look at what you have suggested and re-read the story around it, does it fit in?

some of what has been suggested (in my opinion, could be wrong) is not necessary, and what he has is fine how it is

again this is my opinion, i could be (and probably am) wrong
im only talking about a tiny amount of what has been suggested, this and that...

overall, well done on the story, very intriguing, keep it up

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