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cheeseburger
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 Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: Star Wars |
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chapter 1
Laser fire on the left, laser fire on the right. This was going to be tricky I thought to my self as I was cornered behind the wreckage of a executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. Damn I hate when a plan falls apart. Fourteen minutes earlier I was sitting in a cantina with a view to the local med center, no more than a shack with some ageing medical droids and two bacta tanks, poisoned bacta tanks. I had made sure of that. The assassination would look like a short in the starter circuits had ignited the fuel spilled in a small crack the day before by their ‘attendant’. But thing didn’t happen that way, the guy I was supposed to tag was in the cantina grabbing some grava nuts wile his driver started the speeder to check the report on the local election to see if the guy who would help my target cost my client more money. But this wasn’t going to be fun. Throwing some coins on the table for the drinks and pulled out my MHX repeating blaster and checked its power cells. 100%, I will probably have to change them a couple of times... |
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cheeseburger
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:35 am Post subject: |
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| please review and help me make better chapter to come |
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SuicideKing
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 6:37 am Post subject: |
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Burger--
First of all, you've broken two cardinal rules of YWS.
The first is you must critique two works before posting one of your own. Instead, you've posted two threads of the same work and then double posted (another rule) in one of the threads.
My recommendation to remedy this:
Ask a moderator to lock one of your threads, and incorporate your comment into your original post. Then go review a few pieces to make up for your rule infringement.
--King |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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Sadly, I agree with King. You did break the rules of the site. The basic needs for story posting are 2 reviews=1 post.
Story-wise, this piece is an excellent creative one. But the only problem that turns me off (for lack of a better word) would be your lack of correct grammar and spelling, your breaking up of paragraphs to make it flow easily, and the shortness of the chapter. I don't post chapters right away when I get an idea. I usually write, hit a stopping place and incorporate a good cliffhanger in the end.
Hope this helps! Don't forget to review (and send Summerless a friend invite!)
deafwriter_19 aka DW aka Ross |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to Young Writers Society. I agree with deafwriter_19 and SuicideKing. But enough with the rule-breaking business. I'll give you a review.
I'm kind of a harsh reviewer so don't take any of the critique personally.
Try to use punctuation and grammar and conventions whenever possible. If you don't, and you plan on not using it (unless it is part of your style), then I have nothing more to say but dismiss the topic.
| Quote: |
| This was going to be tricky I thought to my self as I was cornered behind the wreckage of a executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. Damn I hate when a plan falls apart. |
You should add a few commas in the places where they belong. Also, when you have the word "a" before a word that starts with a vowel, almost all the times the "a" has to become an "an." There are a few exceptions but this one can't be overlooked.
I would change that sentence to
| Quote: |
| This was going to be tricky, I thought to myself as I was cornered behind the wreckage of an executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. Damn, I hate when a plan falls apart. |
Also try showing more than telling. Yes, action is always fun to tell in dramatic sentences but try to go in depth about how the wreckage and the land speeder looks like.
Hope this helps,
- Summerless |
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metalzulu
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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First review, so here goes.
Good idea you have there, though lacking in imagery. Its good to leave a little to the readers imagination, but this is a little much. Try formatting correctly. It's all elementary really; Start a new paragraph when a new person is talking, use punctuation, divide your paragraphs a bit more and the like. All in all a good idea, I'll be sure to read Chapter 2 when I can.
-Metal |
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enzoguy15
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to Young Writers Society. I agree with deafwriter_19 and SuicideKing. But enough with the rule-breaking business. I'll give you a review.
I'm kind of a harsh reviewer so don't take any of the critique personally.
Try to use punctuation and grammar and conventions whenever possible. If you don't, and you plan on not using it (unless it is part of your style), then I have nothing more to say but dismiss the topic.
Quote:
This was going to be tricky I thought to my self as I was cornered behind the wreckage of a executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. Damn I hate when a plan falls apart.
You should add a few commas in the places where they belong. Also, when you have the word "a" before a word that starts with a vowel, almost all the times the "a" has to become an "an." There are a few exceptions but this one can't be overlooked.
I would change that sentence to
Quote:
This was going to be tricky, I thought to myself as I was cornered behind the wreckage of an executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. Damn, I hate when a plan falls apart.
Also try showing more than telling. Yes, action is always fun to tell in dramatic sentences but try to go in depth about how the wreckage and the land speeder looks like. |
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enzoguy15
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Sadly, I agree with King. You did break the rules of the site. The basic needs for story posting are 2 reviews=1 post.
Story-wise, this piece is an excellent creative one. But the only problem that turns me off (for lack of a better word) would be your lack of correct grammar and spelling, your breaking up of paragraphs to make it flow easily, and the shortness of the chapter. I don't post chapters right away when I get an idea. I usually write, hit a stopping place and incorporate a good cliffhanger in the end.
Hope this helps! Don't forget to review (and send Summerless a friend invite!)
deafwriter_19 aka DW aka Ross |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there! Star Wars fanfic...my favorite. Muahahaha...
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| Laser fire on the left, laser fire on the right. |
So first of all, I think you should choose a better word other than "on". "On" sounds vague and undescriptive. It doesn't give me any vivid imagery about what's going on. If you haven't noticed (or read) any Star Wars books (or even in the movies) the first line is always one of imagery or a deep thought or idea. For example, the SW book I'm reading right now started off with "The first to die was a midshipmen named Koth Barak." Doesn't that get the reader's attention right away? What killed him? What's the purposed of him being killed? It makes the reader want to read more by giving a powerful first image. The first line of a story should catch the reader's attention and make the reader ask themselves questions, like "why?" or "how?" Then...they'll read more! Your first line is vague, as I said before. Try using a different descriptive word or reword how you want to explain the where the shooting is.
| Quote: |
| This was going to be tricky I thought to my self as I was cornered behind the wreckage of a executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago. |
The first part there is a thought, so it should be: This was going to be tricky, I thought to myself, as I was cornered behind the wreckage of a executive land speeder that I had blown with a concussion grenade fifteen minutes ago.
Second, this whole sentence is a bit long, I think. Try reading it aloud. I found that i was out of breath by the time I reached the period. It may just be a personal preference, though. And also, I'm a HUGE fan of Star Wars, so you should believe me when I tell you that I know lots about speeders and vehicles...
What exactly do you mean by "executive" landspeeder? Is "executive" there a describing word to explain that it belonged to a high-ranking person or what? Just a bit confused there.
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| Damn, I hate when a plan falls apart. |
This is a thought, so it should be italicized, just like I did you quote up there. And you need that comma there. Also, I think you be starting lines, not mushing this whole thing into one paragraph.
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no more than a shack with some ageing medical droids and two bacta tanks, poisoned bacta tanks.
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"ageing" should be "aging"
And to add more effect here, replace the comma after "tanks" with a double dash--it adds more effect. 
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| The assassination would look like a short in the starter circuits had ignited the fuel spilled in a small crack the day before by their ‘attendant’. |
I really think you need to reword this sentence. It's confusing and I don't get what you're trying to explain at that last part with the "attendant". Major rewording here.
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| But thing didn’t happen that way, the guy I was supposed to tag was in the cantina grabbing some grava nuts wile his driver started the speeder to check the report on the local election to see if the guy who would help my target cost my client more money. |
Here's another long sentence that you're trying the jam a lot of ideas into. I suggest putting a period after "way," and "wile" is supposed to be "while." I also don't get the how this sentence ties into the assassination plans (the last part). So his driver was checking that? What did it matter? Remember that details are good, but unnecessary details are bad. They just confuse the reader. If you need to include that detail, I suggest rewording the whole sentence (which may be a run-on. I'm not entirely sure) to make your idea more clear.
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| Throwing some coins on the table for the drinks and pulled out my MHX repeating blaster and checked its power cells. |
Here, the sentence makes sense like this: "Throwing some coins on the table for the drinks, I pulled out my MHX repeating blaster and checked its power cells."
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| 100%, I will probably have to change them a couple of times... |
I suggest writing out "one hundred percent"
_______________________________________________________________________
Okay, this barely caught my attention. It didn't really want me to read more. Also: this isn't considered a chapter...it's too short. By the nature of how you do a flashback of the events and the shortness of it, it's a prologue.
You need more imagery in the beginning, as I have said. You also should detail the surroundings of your character more. If you want to turn this into a chapter, then expand! Make it longer by adding more details of the surroundings or your character's ideas. Also, if you want this to be a chapter, start talking about the character more to give us clues about his/her nature. (Besides the fact that he/she's a bounty hunter). You also need to space between your thoughts and ideas.
Just keep adding detail, description, and expand!
Then I think you'll have a good start.
Keep on writing,
~Timea |
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