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Run, Fat Boy, Run! Day 6
Run, Fat Boy, Run! Day 6
by BigBadBear in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 8, 2008
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•Silhouettes - Preface: My Sanctuary

Silhouettes - <insert title> (Part I)
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Summerless   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

132
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 179
Reviews: 132
Country: United States
416 Points
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:58 am    Post subject: Silhouettes - <insert title> (Part I) Reply with quote

I deleted this. Sorry for the hassle--I don't want it to be read anymore.

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Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless.

Last edited by Summerless on Sun May 18, 2008 3:57 pm; edited 2 times in total
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deafwriter_19   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

98
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 227
Reviews: 98
Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
468 Points
PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
YAY! First review! Well, what can I say? This is a very good piece of writing. I have virtually no complaints except for a couple of spelling errors. "Lied" should be "laid" and "sifted" is a bit vague. How about "letting the sand run through his fingers"?

I love your use of creative wording. I have never heard "applauding ocean" before but now, I'm ITCHING to use it!

You made the relationships very clear (Summer and Alex are a couple, right?)

But if you are going to use a flashback while the protagationist (sp?) is in the present, then you need to incoporate. You can take away the telling in the beginning of present tense, put it in the beginning, have her look at a photo that brings up the memory and you know the rest.

I LOVE that you didn't bring up the murder until at the very end. It makes me want to chase you with a pitchfork in Science Class until you post another one. Laughing

However, this is just ideas. Don't have to use them.

Grade: A-

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I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer.
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This thread was created on May 8, 2008

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