Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The Elephant Boy {fifteen}
The Elephant Boy {fifteen}

by Kylan in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on May 5, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
New Book: Chapter 1 (Final preview before off to editor)

New Book

Topic ID: 29798
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
absoccer23   View This User's Portfolio
New Member



Age: 18
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 12:38 am    Post subject: New Book Reply with quote

Prologue

The trees swayed back and fourth in the brisk night, as two lights gleamed from the windows of a white mansion. In one dimly lit chamber where a man sat and wrote, blood-curdling screams could be heard from a large room directly down the hallway were another light shown.

The man was writing quickly on pieces of parchment bound together by a hard leather cover. He was extremely tall and had to hunch over the desk in which he was writing by candle light. The candle illuminated the room in which there was a four banister bed, a desk, and a small bureau that was place in the corner. He kept writing:

…they found me. I don’t know how. You must distance yourself from the others; scatter. When everything calms down, make your move. I think he is in on it. We trusted him too. There is so much going on. I think they are executing us one by one. I will come see you…if I make it out alive.

Don’t Trust Anyone,

Rider Silver

Suddenly the screaming stopped; footsteps filled the hall with soft whispers. Jolting up from the desk the man took the book and pulled a floorboard away that revealed a musty blue trunk. After placing the book into the trunk, it was returned to its hiding place under the board. The foot steps were even closer now. Sensing that any moment now the hard wood door would be swung open, the man glided over to the desk and blew out the light. Finally the he shuffled quickly over and behind the bed. Just then the door knob was twisted and three tall men entered into the hazy dark room. The man in the lead stepped forward, he was dressed in a black suit with a tall dark hat and an off white smock that had been stained by what looked like…blood—except with a more greenish tinge to it.

“We know you are in here,” the man spoke while helping his colleague light a dim match that instantly went out. Now the other man stepped forward that was behind the man in the smock. He muttered something in his ear, then exclaimed in an unknown tongue, “Edah spanila veniculason!”

Then the man that was hiding from behind the bed leapt forward with inhumanly speed and lunged toward the man wearing the smock, but was tackled by the man that had spoken in a different tongue.

While being held down on the hard wood floor the man spoke, “You traitor, you slaughtered your own people for what…”

“It needed to be done,” he interrupted. “You will understand some day, if you live…” With that the man stabbed him with a long silver spike. The man let out a cry of help then lay motionless on the floor before being dragged out by them. The door slammed. All was dark and silent once more.

Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
SuicideKing   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

26
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 97
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 41
Reviews: 26
Country: The Colonies
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting start. It needs more substance to it, however. More description, in particular. Character appearance, setting, and action all could use adding to, because right now everything seems very superficial. Use more imagery, and be sure to describe character positions and actions precisely, lest they be confused with one another. The setting could definitely be better described; right now all we have is trees and a white mansion. Give us some details. Let us see the mansion in our mind's eye. What makes it a mansion? The size? The quality? Give us clues as to both of these aspects.

--King

_________________
“Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.”

--Kahlil Gibran
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
helpless42   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

28
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Dec 2007
Posts: 129
Reviews: 28
Country: underthebed land
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 10:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ha ha!(not a funny laugh, a "I found something I like" laugh) loved it. great beginning, but like king said, a little more description wouldn't hurt. I understand this is a prologue and is supposed to leave the reader wanting more (which by the way, I cant wait for the next installment!) so don't put in a lot of description, just enough to let us know what your seeing. other than that, I don't see anything wrong with it. Keep writing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sylverdawn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 491
Reviews: 53

270 Points

PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It needs a bit more work, as a prologue you should drop a few more hints, who are these people why did someone betray them, what are they running, overall it works wall as a prologue and intrigues the reader.

The death needs to have more impact, the guy just stabs him and leaves, like this the screams leave a stronger impression then the murder itself.

Still I really like it and would like to read more if you post more.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Ghostwriter   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

12
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Feb 2008
Posts: 435
Reviews: 12
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was quite good for a general beginning. But It didn't leave enough for a hint.
Was it a diffrent time frame? Where they in some crazy hospital? Who was the Protangist?
It was generally good for a prolauge. I would like to read the next story.
I give this a 4/5.

_________________
A person's heart is like a painting.
Because it's fragile, yet it bring's the greatest emotions to you.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
rubberduck   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

30
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 08 May 2008
Posts: 175
Reviews: 30

344 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 10:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd love to read the next part! Smile
I know it's probably not my place to say this but, maybe you should describe the mansion a bit more. Describing helps the reader imagine the scene in his head. (I've got a problem with describing my scenes.. so, it's really not my place to comment about the lack of description.)

Anyway, nice prologue. Smile

_________________
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
- Homer Simpson
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
-cauan-   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 14
Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 2

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:14 pm    Post subject: Good Reply with quote

it was a really good start of a story. I would like to read more. Laughing
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
absoccer23   View This User's Portfolio
New Member



Age: 18
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0

300 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

edited prologue and chapter 1 coming soon...
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Silverwit   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 12 May 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 0
Country: Sakreh
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have a nice start but you need to work with your characters. Actually breathe life in to them and make them seem real.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
enzoguy15   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really good start I enjoyed it. But work with the characters a little more. I would like to read more.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on May 5, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on May 5, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. - Samuel Butler
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society