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ashleylee
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 Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: ~Michaelangelo's Night~Chapter One |
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First, I'm sorry but I HATE cutting my stories up once I have them written in chapter form so I guess this is just going to be long. Because if I cut it up, it'll look a mess and just irritate people (including myself) But I did space it out as much as I did to make it easier on all of you.
One more thing before I allow you to read!  I know this has A LOT of grammar things and needs WORK! So, harsh reviews is highly recommended!
Hope you like it! 
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CHAPTER ONE
The city is nothing as I imagined. It is much, much grander and on a wider scale. I hadn’t prepared myself for the vastness of it. It seems to stretch on forever in an endless sea of whitewashed stone. The tall buildings with sculpted pillars remind me of home. Oh, the nostalgia is already setting in. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, gnawing away with aching persistence. But I conceal it within me with a mask of awe.
I am jostled and shaken as we traverse among the crowds, the boisterous noise deafening. Shouts and screams and children’s laughter is smashed together into a babel of sound. These people are so foreign with their harsh tongues and rash words. However, I have familiarized myself with their language at a very young age and it is not hard for me to understand the crescendo of speech around me.
The people, however, are a blur to me. Their faces swirl together into a moving ameba of nothingness. But I do see with precise detail the clothes they wear. Togas and robes of all colors with aureate skirts drape over their frames and sandals enclose their toes. Their feet are in danger of being crushed and yet, they still wear them. I am baffled as I gaze at my own feet enclosed in sheepskin lined slippers.
We are nearing the opulent part of town with the more glamorous buildings displaying signs of wealth at every turn. White marble fountains are a centerpiece in open courtyards with blooming flowers that drift mellifluous scents across my nose. Servants scatter here and there, their colored bands jangling on their ankles, a signal to all of what they are. Each colored band represents the family they serve and I discover many deep purple anklets.
Now, we are in the center of it all. The magnificent buildings containing families who gain the utmost respect. I am directed to the largest house. I follow our servant guide to the front door, which he opens and makes us follow.
It is as though I have walked into a glittering paradise. The floor, with its reflecting, immaculate tiles, plays like a mirror beneath my slippers. The whitewashed pillars are scattered randomly throughout the spacious welcoming hall. Persian carpets and nude figurines crowd the space. It is all so different compared to my modest home with its walls adorned with murals of our families history. Never did we display nude sculptures of the human body. So flagrant and uncivilized.
We continue our tour into the main entertaining room. This is where I first lay eyes on Nicandro Chandrenos.
The first person that draws my attention is his mother. She is a very long and slender woman with a wild mess of light brown hair piled high on her head. She is sipping her goblet of wine with delicate movements as if she were a china doll in danger of smashing into pieces at the simplest of movements. Her tiny feet are stretched out beside her on the sofa with her ankles looped together.
The woman fascinates me in a less positive way. She is delicate and poised and annoyingly perfect. And because of this, the sight of such a human being still alive fascinates me. If she had lived in Greece, life wouldn’t have been so easy.
Her name is Delicia Chandrenos.
The next is his father. He stands immediately at our entrance and our servant guide steps aside so he can greet my own father, Amycus. The differences between the two men are profound. My father is short and stubby with a full beard and a head of hair that is course and peppered. The other is tall and built with thick black hair graying at the roots. My father is wearing our custom Greek attire for a commoner; a wool tunic and wool breeches with sheepskin slippers. The man is wearing a white toga gilded with gold and gold sandals as if they were sculpted with the metal itself.
His name is Evander Chandrenos.
He greets my father with an air of success. You can see the pride oozing from every pore in his well-toned body. He excretes wealth and it leaves a bitter tang in my throat.
The next is Nicandro. The first thing that intrigues me about him is his occult-ness. He is the very essence of everything dark and mysterious. His head is bowed over his silver goblet filled with carmine colored wine. His head is a tangle of inky curls that tumble around his face like a wig of darkness. His muscled arms show his strength yet there is a weakness about him that I can’t explain. His appearance is a sudden and welcoming change to the others. I had expected them to be worse than the common weathly family and they turned out to be exactly how I predicted them to be.
But Nicandro…he is a surprise.
He lifts his head only when his father calls his name. My stomach curls inwards at the sight of his eyes. The incandescent light floating from them is entrancing with their smoky color flashing. “Nicandro, why don’t you greet our guests?” Evander asks his son with a cogent look.
Nicandro’s eyes flit between my father and I with disdain that I feel in the very pit of my gut. His eyes are like knives, slicing holes in the confidence of my soul. He makes me feel as if I am lower than the stray dog on the street or the dung it produces. He nods his head, once, twice before saying in the dullest, driest tone he can muster, “Welcome to our home.”
I see my father’s beard crinkle with a half-hearted smile and Evander shoots his son a most grisly stare. If it had been me he was looking at, I would have fell to the floor in full submission before his gold-gilded sandals. Nicandro, however, turns casually away and sips his silver goblet, the red wine staining his tongue and lips a most gruesome red. And yet, nothing so far about him repulses me. I am just as entranced with his actions as I am with his appearance.
Evander faces us once again with an apologetic smile. “Please excuse my son.” My father nods his forgiveness of Nicandro’s vulgar manners and follows Evander to where we will be staying.
Our rooms are on the second floor and we each have our own separate quarters. My father’s is large and spacious with deep mahogany walls and his own office. Mine is slightly smaller and airy with walls painted a cheerful yellow and a balcony overlooking the family’s courtyard and garden. Evander and my father leave me then to talk business and I am alone. I immediately stride to the balcony and look out upon the garden. It is just like all the others with the marble fountain as its center but this one is much larger with a cobblestone pathway snaking its way through the area. The flowers rooted beneath me release their nectar and it flows up to me on a wind carried from the sea. The mixture of salty air and the smell of lilacs cause another spasm of nostalgia to ripple through my body. I close my eyes and wish myself back to my homeland in Greece.
The hills are speckled with lilacs and sunflowers and the grass tickles my knees as I frolic along through the rolling plains. I crest a hill and the span of my village is cluttered below me. I tumble downwards and enter the mirthful atmosphere of my place of birth. The houses are made of sod and plaster, the walls carrying the history of its occupants spanned out over decades of descendants.
I greet with the other girls my age and we sit and create crowns of flowers and entwine them in each other’s hair. Then, we skirt around the village, flirting and giggling every time we spot Damaris.
His bronze colored skin shines with a brilliance of no other man and his eyes hold the strength of a future leader. He is like no other in our village. He represents all that is Greek. He carries with him the power of his father and the knowledge of his mother.
My heart aches as I remember him so clearly as if he stands before me.
Another’s enters my thoughts then. She is fair-haired and skinned with light eyes and a chipper voice. Her name is Timandra and she is my closest friend in the village. I remember the day we set sail and she had waved and called out. “Remember to write Isadora Chatzi!” I had sworn I would.
I break free of my childhood memories then and focus on the here and now. I am in Rome now, the king of the world. The city of emperors and lords. I am amongst the big boys now. I wonder how my father is fairing with Evander. I can see how Evander prides himself amongst these big boys I speak of. My father is now residing in a totally different battlefield and I wonder if he is up to the challenge.
I leave the balcony and float to the bed with a see-through canopy draped over it. I pull back the covering and enter a world of mountains made of down-filled pillows and hills of plush blankets. They envelop me into their deep seas and I sink to the bottom in a paradise of comfort.
A knock at the door startles me and I scramble from the world and hurry to the door. It is the servant who had led my father and I to the Chandrenos household. “It is time for dinner, my lady.” He says in a deep, monotone voice. I nod, feeling slightly odd at being called “my lady”.
He leads the way to the lower levels and then, into the entertainment room once again. Delicia is present along with her son Nicandro. I enter awkwardly and place myself on an empty sofa. I shift uncomfortably when neither of them say a word. They just sip their wine-filled goblets or nibble from trays laden with exotic fruit like emotionless drones. I catch myself watching Nicandro out of the corner of my eye and I quickly avert my gaze. But something about him makes me look again…and again. He places a purple grape on the tip of his tongue and slips it inside his mouth in one smooth motion. He sees me then and my cheeks flare.
No emotion is present on his face however. He just stares, expressionless with his black curls brushing his long lashes. I am thankful when my father enters with Evander. They are laughing and Evander is clapping my father on the back as if they are long time friends.
My father has worked for Evander Chandrenos for as long as I can
remember. Evander is a wealthy tradesmen and merchant. My father is the leader of one of the ports Evander sells to. But over the last few years, Evander has paid my father more and more attention. My father keeps his port neat and organized. Never is there a barrel or crate out of place. And his men are disciplined and respect my father. And so, Evander offered my father the chance to help him be a partner in his thriving business and of course, he couldn’t refuse.
So, here we are guests in the Chandrenos’ home.
Evander places himself besides his fragile wife, who barely glances up at his entrance. Nicandro doesn’t even bother to raise his eyes. My father smiles encouragingly at me and I grin warmly back, my spirit higher at his arrival and I sit a little taller, feeling my confidence seep back.
Moments later, servants arrive with platters of food. I have never seen such delicacies in my life and I am embarrassed to say that my mouth salivates at the sight of it all. I taste roasted salmon with chives and lemon on the side to drizzle over. Cooked salted pork, the ripest grapes Rome can offer, and a full goblet of wine is included and I eat it all, savoring every bite.
I observe every family member over the bridge of my goblet as I enjoy the scrumptious meal.
Delicia is timid when she eats, choosing wisely before nibbling and replacing her fork before drinking large amounts of wine. Then, she resumes nit picking again. I can’t understand how she is ever nourished when she swallows so little down her throat..
Evander is extremely enthusiastic, which brings about a slight smile to play across my lips stained red from the wine. He digs into every delicacy with such excitement and swallows with a loud satisfied sigh after every bite.
Nicandro, as usual, is the most peculiar eater. He observes his food and then, he eats first the one which looks the least appetizing, saving the most beautiful arrangement of the salmon with chives for last, all the while taking sips of wine between every bite. To him, it isn’t about the taste, but of the beauty of the food he is putting into his mouth.
I, however, praise food by the flavor. Yes, the salmon is nice to look at, but it is the salted pork that draws my attention. It isn’t just salted but has many spices cooked into it to make the most harmonious symphony of music with my taste buds. I close my eyes as I swallow the last bite, licking off the last of the spices from my lips. When I open them, Nicandro is watching me and I blush furiously, glaring down at my clean plate.
I dare to look up again and he is still watching, curiosity now clouding his stormy eyes. The incandescent light streaming from them hits me with a cloud of mingled novelistic gaze and a wondering stare. It is the first emotion I have seen present on his face and it vanishes as quickly as it came and I am left feeling bewildered.
This night is probably the hardest night for me to bare. Sleeping in a foreign bed in a foreign land without my mama there is troubling. I think of her then, curled up in the plush blankets. Her face swims before my closed eyelids and my heart yearns to hear her voice. To see her smile. Her dark hair lays straight and flat to the middle of her back; this is accustomed in my village for woman to wear their hair long. Same with my father. All married men must keep beards.
I picture her as she always is back home, working on her loom, singing songs of long ago. I listen from just inside the door, weaving my own blanket with a needle and thread. It seems to me that I work better when she is singing rather than when she isn’t.
At that moment, I crawl from the bed and shuffle to my bag. I dig around for a moment until I feel the wool fibers brush my fingers. I smile in the gloom and pull out my finished blanket. Taking this with me, I bury back into the sea of cotton and place the wool beneath my head. The smell of home washes over me. My blanket smells of smoke from our fire, lilacs, and our family dog, Ruffy. It isn’t the loveliest of scents but it is the one I want to smell.
And so, with my wool blanket tucked behind my cheek, I eventually drift off to sleep.
Birds hum their sweet melody beyond the hills of blankets and I stretch luxuriously, yawning pleasurably. I had slept wonderfully. My wool blanket cuddles next to me. I sit up and push the garnished sheet away so I can desert the confines of my bed. I traverse to the balcony and lean contentedly against the pillars that keep me from falling into the courtyard below.
The courtyard is in full bloom today and I have the sudden urge to walk amongst the flowers. I smile and quickly pull on my robe, leaving my room for the outside world.
Down in the garden, I float pass hundreds of species. Some are as large as a plate, others as small as a quarter. Hummingbirds make themselves known as they flit from flower to flower, eating the sweet nectar they provide. Bees and other insects are present as well as they buzz their warnings to me as they fly by. I place myself on a stone bench, besides the fountain.
It is a sculpture of another nude figure. It is a man with a lily pad concealing himself from the world. However his behind isn’t as covered as his front I note with coloring cheeks. His head is tipped towards the heavens and his feet are in a position that if he was alive, he would, at any moment, leap from his platform and begin to dance. Cupped in one hand is a frog and from its mouth spits the water that trickles down into the marble pool at the man’s feet. It is a lively sculpture and luckily not as revealing as some others I have seen.
I wrap my robe tighter across my chest and lean back against the calves of the man behind me. His body is cold and I shiver, sitting straighter. I observe the activities of the courtyard, watching every creature.
I see a caterpillar inch its way along towards the safety of the grass. I look up and see a bird circling. At that moment, I hurry forward and kneel, scooping the bright green worm into my hands. The bird squawks its disapproval before flying off to find breakfast elsewhere. I open my hands to find the caterpillar curled in on itself for protection in the palm of my hand. I smile and gently let it slide into the forest of grass and tulip stocks. I wait until it uncurls and continues its journey, no doubt, to find a safe place to create its cocoon. I lift my head from where I kneel and gasp when I see I am not alone.
It is Nicandro. He is leaning confidently against the bark of a small tree planted near the entrance of the courtyard. His head is tilted in a most observant poise and I jump to my feet, raising my chin to appear unaffected by his unwelcome prying. He leans away from the tree and slowly makes his way towards me, pausing every few steps to lower his head and smell the different species of flower he passes on the way.
I stand, stock-still, unable to find words to say to him. I want to find something witty to banter him with. Something, anything to make him say something in reply. But I am speechless, at a loss for words and struck dumb.
He finally reaches me and stops only a few feet away. There, he plucks a tulip from its earthy home and twirls it around and around in his fingers. I watch the tulip weave in and out and find myself wanting him to say something to me. But he stays mute. He lets his eyes lift from the flower in his hands to me. They are just as unnerving, if not more in full daylight with their smoky light streaming out from them. His curls are ruffled and uncoiled from the night’s rest and I picture him sprawled upon his bed.
I close my eyes briefly, wishing the vision away. When I open them, he is walking pass me and his arm brushes my shoulder. I jump, as if electrocuted and before he turns his head, I swear I see a tug of a smile at the corner of his lips. I find my voice then. “What do you want?” It comes out more as a request then a demand and he contemplates my question. He plays with the tulip for a while but stops his walking and turns back to me.
“Can a man not wander his own courtyard freely?” He says smoothly, his voice deep and alluring. I find myself struck dumb once again, unable to come up with something to say to that. He steps closer. “But, I do wonder on why a guest of my household seems to think that she can wander my courtyard without permission?” My eyes widen and he stares intently at me.
“I hadn’t meant to intrude. I-I was-“ But a voice from the house calls us back inside.
“Isadora! There you are child.” My father breathes a sigh of relief as he steps into the courtyard. Nicandro takes a step back from me and my father stops at the sight of him. He looks to me with questioning eyes and I just lower them to my bare feet. “I was looking all over for you. I came to your room this morning and you weren’t there.”
“I’m sorry father. I couldn’t help it. The courtyard was too alluring to ignore.” I glance side-ways at Nicandro but he says not a word.
“Well, at least I know that you are safe. My old heart can rest easy now.” He teases and I smile.
“Sorry to worry you father.”
“Quite all right. But now, please, join us for breakfast. Evander is waiting for us.” I nod and I see my father glance at Nicandro again. “Are you coming Nicandro?”
Nicandro keeps his gaze on the tulip woven amongst his fingers. “I will join you later Amycus.” He says calmly before turning his back on us. My father seems unnerved by Nicandro’s words. He wraps a securing arm across my shoulders and guides me back inside.
“You silly girl. What were you doing out there?” He whispers harshly once we are alone.
“I was touring the garden.”
“I mean, what were you doing with Evander’s son?”
“Nothing of course. He entered the garden just as I was leaving and we talked. That’s all.” I say stiffly. My father nods hurriedly before leading me towards the outside Terrence where Evander waits with his wife Delicia, dressed in a light green toga. Evander is in a light blue one and I suddenly remember that I still wear my lace nightgown and wool robe, absent of shoes.
My father seems to notice this at the same time and quickly lowers me into a chair surrounding a painted table with a glass surface. A canopy covers us and shades us from the glaring sun. I pull the robe further across me, tying it tight to keep it in place. “Amycus, you have found Isadora I see.” Evander greets, smiling warmly at us both.
“Yes. Isadora was touring your garden.”
“Ah.” Evander says with twinkling eyes. “And did you find it to your liking?”
“Oh yes. It is beautiful.” I complement with a grin.
My father nods his approval before servants arrive with our breakfast. It is just as delicious as last night’s dinner and I consume every bite as Evander and my father discuss business. I see Delicia glance up from her plate and I follow her gaze to where Nicandro stands in the doorway. “Nicandro, finally decide to bless us with your presence?” Evander says with slight scorn.
Nicandro smiles in the face of death and says calmly. “I couldn’t postpone my arrival any later or you all would be damned.”
Evander frowns at his son’s wit and watches him with obscene eyes. Nicandro places himself on the other side of his mother, beside me. I shift uncomfortably at him being so close and concentrate on my empty plate. A servant promptly places a platter before him and he eats while looking at his father with smiling eyes. Evander scoffs and turns back to Amycus. Soon, talk resumed and all is normal.
Out of the corner of Nicandro’s mouth, he whispers. “You still haven’t answered my question.”
I glance at him with raised eyebrows and whisper back. “And what is that?”
“Why were you touring my garden?”
“So I could aggrieve you with my opinion.” I say simply before turning back to my cup of wine and sipping it delicately.
“And what is that opinion you planned to aggrieve me with, if you can aggrieve me.” I hear the challenge in his words and close my jaws around the bait he dangles so willingly close across my nose.
“That you and your family have opulent taste.” I say through thin lips, minimizing the chances of my father overhearing.
“Opulent taste?” I can hear the smile in Nicandro’s words but I dare not look in his direction for it would give us away.
“Yes. Opulent. And that your need for a manifold of items is very clear.”
“My, such large words for something with so little.” There is no more smile in Nicandro’s voice and I hear the bittersweet of his tongue. I have offended him and I sneak a look with pleading eyes in his direction.
“Take no offense. My words are harmless.”
“Harmless you say?” He snaps. “Your talk of my family is audacious and unneeded.”
“I hadn’t meant it to come out so. Understand that it was harmless banter, nothing more.” I plead with him, urging him to hear the lightness of my words.
Then, a playful smile crosses his face and I am perplexed. “Your rally was quite amusing, seeing as you were distressed with my displeasure.”
I scoff. “I thought you were mad.”
“My hostility was taken seriously?”
“Of course it was. Clearly I was distressed with you taking my words so heavily.”
He chuckles lightly, bringing about a curious look from his mother. I quickly avert my gaze but he continues to say. “Well, be distressed no longer. You have not burdened me.”
“That’s a relief.” I huff and he laughs again, louder than he should have and Evander glances over.
“Do you care to share what is so humorous, my son?” Evander asks with narrowed eyes.
Nicandro merely casts a look in my direction and my eyes widen. “I was merely expressing my amusement at Isadora’s wit.”
My father’s eyebrows raise and I look to my hands clasped in my lap. Evander looks between Nicandro and me. I, shy and diffident. Nicandro haughty with daring eyes. Evander looks back to my father and simply says. “I think it is time we take a visit to the shipping yards. Shall we Amycus?”
My father stands along with Evander. “Sounds refreshing. Isadora,” I stand, eyes on my father. “Why don’t you join us? A little fresh air may bring you in high spirits.”
“Sounds delightful father. I will just go and change.” I say and everybody’s eyes linger on my inappropriate clothing. I catch Nicandro staring with obvious adoration and I retreat from the Terrence.
Upstairs in my quarters, I quickly change into a skirt of cloth with a flower design hugging the hem and a blouse. I pull my dark hair high on my head and spray some perfume on my neck and wrists, a gift from Damaris before my departure. I slip on my slippers and hurry to the entrance hall.
I am surprised to find Nicandro present as well, along with Evander and my father. Evander keeps shooting Nicandro disapproving looks but he seems completely content. When I arrive, that playful smile tugs at his mouth and I scurry to my father’s side. My father is uneasy with Nicandro accompanying us as well but as it is not his place to voice his disapproval of Nicandro and so he welcomes me beside him and we proceed to leave the home. |
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-What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others- By: Pericles
Last edited by ashleylee on Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:10 pm; edited 16 times in total |
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Perra
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: Re: ~Roman Skies and Greek Meadows~Chapter One |
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| ashleylee wrote: |
| One more thing before I allow you to read! I know this has A LOT of grammar things and needs WORK! So, harsh reviews is highly recommended! |
You ask and you shall recieve!
It's an interesting story. I don't think I've ever read one in present tense, but I don't think it's a bad thing.
I love how you describe things. For instance, the "endless sea of whitewashed stone", and many of the other similes and metaphors you use. When you described each member of the Chandrenos family, I could feel much of Isadora's disdain for them and their opulence. I also called Nicandro a jerk the moment he first spoke. I still don't trust him. This is good. You introduced the readers to this world as the main character is being introduced to it, and then get them to feel something for it - to react to this world.
One question: What time period is it? The only clues are that it's a decadant Rome (I'm assuming that it's Rome, you didn't say what city they're in in the story), and that the Romans are wearing togas. A big part of my confusion is this:
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Evander offered my father the chance to help him be a partner in his multimillion-dollar business |
I'm not sure how far back such business deals go, and I'm certain that multimillion-dollar ones are a fairly recent occurance. Plus, they're in Italy and don't use the dollar.
Now for the joyous grammer stuff!
You use a lot of passive voice. This makes the work more formal and tends to distance the reader from the story.
An occurance of passive voice:
| ashleylee wrote: |
| The buildings are tall with sculpted pillars that remind me of home. |
This should be: The tall buildings with sculpted pillars remind me of home.
I'll mention some other occurances of passive voices below.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| It is much, much grander on a wider scale. |
You might want an 'and' after grander. A complete rewording of this sentence might be needed.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Togas and robes of all colors with aureate skirts and sandals. Their feet are in danger of being crushed and yet, they still wear them. Baffled I am as I gaze at my own feet enclosed in sheepskin lined slippers. These people are so foreign with their harsh tongues and rash words. I had familiarized myself with their language at a very young age and it is not hard for me to understand the crescendo of speech around me. |
The underlined sentence is a fragment. Perhaps you should describe their clothes a bit more and then mention the sandals. As is, the second sentence doesn't flow well with the first/fragment. Remove the "I am" after "Baffled" in the third sentence. And then you jump from clothing to speech. Considering you mention sound and 'babel' in the previous paragraph, you could move the last two sentences of this paragraph to that one.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| The largest house is the one I am directed to. I follow our servant guide to the front door, which he enters and made us ensue. |
Here's some more passive voice. The first sentence should be "I am directed to the largest house." As for the second sentence, it's awkward. You should replace "which he enters and made us ensue" with "which he opens and makes us enter."
| ashleylee wrote: |
| The floor is playing like a mirror with reflecting, immaculate tiles beneath my slippers. |
Better: "The floor, with its reflecting, immaculate tiles, plays like a mirror beneath my slippers."
| ashleylee wrote: |
| The next is his father. He stands immediately at our entrance and our servant guide steps aside so he can greet my own father, Amycus. The differences between the two men are profound. My father is short and stubby with a full beard and a head of hair that is course and peppered. The other is tall and built with thick black hair graying at the roots. My father is wearing our custom attire back in Greece for a commoner; a wool tunic and wool breeches with sheepskin slippers. The man standing is wearing a white toga gilded with gold and gold sandals as if they were sculpted with the metal itself. |
In the second to last sentence is awkward; try "wearing our custom Greek attire for a commoner". As for the last sentence, both men are standing, so take out 'standing' and put 'other' before 'man', as well as remove 'is' and change 'wearing' to 'wears' so that the sentence isn't passive anymore.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| He excretes wealth. And it leaves a bitter tang to my throat. |
Combine these two sentences and change 'to' to 'in'.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| I had expected them to be like any other wealthy family but worse. |
This doesn't make sense. If you mean that she expected the family to be worse than any other wealthy family, then say that. If you mean that she expected them to be like any other wealthy family or worse, then say that. Either the 'but' needs to go, or the sentence needs rewording.
| ashleylee wrote: |
Delicia is timid when she eats, choosing wisely before nibbling and replacing her fork before drinking large amounts of wine. Than, she resumes nit picking again. I can’t understand how she is ever nourished when there is so little that she swallows down her throat.
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Bold: 'Than' should be 'Then'.
Underlined: Another passive sentence. Try 'when she swallows so little down her throat.'
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Nicandro, as usual, is the most peculiar eater. He, at first, observes his food and then, he eats first, the one which looks the least appetizing, saving the most beautiful arrangement of the salmon with chives for last, all the while taking sips of wine between every bite. To him, it isn’t about the taste, but of the beauty of the food he is putting into his mouth. |
Switch 'at first' to the beginning of the sentence. Then break the sentence into two sentences so it reads 'At first, he observes his food. Then, he eats...' There shouldn't be a comma after the second first.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| I close my eyes as I swallow the last bite, licking my lips with a tasting tongue, licking off the last of the spices. |
Remove the bolded portion, saying insted 'licking off the last of the spices from my lips.'
| ashleylee wrote: |
| My father’s eyebrows raise and I look to my hands clasped in my lap. Evander looks between Nicandro and I; I shy and diffident, Nicandro haughty with daring eyes. Evander looks back to my father and simply says. “I think it is time we take a visit to the shipping yards. Shall we Amycus?” |
'Nicandro and me', and that period should be a colon or semicolon (I can't always remember).
Well, that's what I thought should be pointed out! I didn't point out everything because a lot of it is passive voice and other structural issues that I think you can handle with some practice. So keep writing!
I hope this helps! |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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Hello BFF.
I'm glad you finally put this on here.
I'm not going to do a full critique, considering that's already been covered, but I'll give you my basic opinion.
Now, I'm going to be honest, this had some huge info-dumps in it. You had some excellent description and details, and I could tell that much research has gone into this, but as as reader I don't want to shove tons of facts into my head all at once. Perhaps you should try to spread the information out.
As to your characters and dialogue, I thought you did very well. I think you're getting better. You've begun your plot nicely.
Sorry I'm not particularly helpful. Can't wait to see more. Write on. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, thanks to both of you for critiquing!
Perra:
I took your advise and changed all the things you said. Hopefully, it makes more sense now! Also, this is set WAY back when the arena in rome still went on and they had the largest empire in the world.
KJ:
Hello to you BFF.  lol But yes, I reread through it a couple of times and it is kind of a info dump. But, I can't find a way to get around it. If you could, could you reread this and give me some advise on how to fix that because, I'm totally lost at this point!
~To Everbody~
I fixed this up and I just want to thank all of you for reading this because I know how annoyingly long it is...but I just couldn't break it up further.
Happy Reading to all! |
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KJ
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 3:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Ash, I'll reread it, but print it out, OK? I hate staring at the computer screen for long periods of time, and this will take some time. So yeah, print it out and I will flourish my pen and show you where I think there could be improvement! |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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Kelsey:
Okay, I will. If I can't print it out tonight, I will soon! Promise! |
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Perra
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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Phew! Sorry it took me so long on this second edit! It can take me a long time to type these out, especially if they're long like this. This was also done over a matter of days, meaning I was critiquing in pieces/chunks and that this might not flow together so well. I tried to give you a few helpful mini-lessons on avoiding passive voice and info dumping, as well. I hope they help.
And don't let the length of this review scare you: the story is getting better, and this should help it even more.
 The Art of Avoiding Passive Voice:
Occasionally you have a passive verb followed by another verb. For some of these, you can just omit the passive verb and change the second verb up a little. For example:
| ashleylee wrote: |
Shouts and screams and children’s laughter is smashed smashes together into a babel of sound |
| ashleylee wrote: |
We are nearing the opulent part of town with the more glamorous buildings displaying signs of wealth at every turn. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
White marble fountains are a centerpiece in open courtyards with blooming flowers that drift mellifluous scents across my nose. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
His head is boweds over his silver goblet filled with carmine colored wine. |
Replacing the passive verb with a non-passive verb works, too.
| ashleylee wrote: |
His muscled arms show his strength yet there is[verb] a weakness about him that I can’t explain. |
Here you can replace 'is' with another verb, like 'lies' or 'exists'.
You can also combine sentences and reword them to get rid of passive voice.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| She is a very long and slender woman with a wild mess of light brown hair piled high on her head. She is sipping her goblet of wine with delicate movements as if she were a china doll in danger of smashing into pieces at the simplest of movements. |
Here you can combine these two sentences into an active sentence:
"A very long and slender woman with a wild mess of light brown hair piled high on her head, she sips her goblet of wine with delicate movements..."
Heres another passive sentence you can get rid of by combining it with another:
| ashleylee wrote: |
| His eyes are like knives, slicing holes in the confidence of my soul. He makes me feel as if I am lower than the stray dog on the street or the dung it produces. |
This could be:
"With eyes like knives, slicing holes in the confidence of my soul, he makes me feel as if I am lower than...."
Avoiding the Info Dump:
These are just a few small examples/suggestions on how to avoid info dumping within your story. Not really a lesson...
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Our rooms are on the second floor and we each have our own separate quarters. My father’s is large and spacious with deep mahogany walls and his own office. Mine is slightly smaller and airy with walls painted a cheerful yellow and a balcony overlooking the family’s courtyard and garden. |
Here you can explain what their rooms look like by having her look around her room and then, later, when it pertains to the story, go into her father's room. And you can explain that their rooms are on the second story when she goes out onto the balcony.
I feel that the dinner scene isn't very important. Instead, you could have Isadora in her room reflecting on dinner, with a sentence or two on how they ate, and then come to Nicandro notice her staring and have Isadora blush at the memory. In fact, you could combine her reflection with the above and her memories of her mother as she falls to sleep. Maybe?
| ashleylee wrote: |
“Nothing of course. He entered the garden just as I was leaving and we talked. That’s all.[comma]” I say stiffly. |
This gets its own arrow because you have repeated occurrences of periods instead of commas in dialogue. I figured you could use a little help. This little article should help you if you're having trouble figuring out what punctuation is needed in your dialogue.
Miscellaneous/Technicalities:
(Somehow, I found more things to be picky about. :/ It's probably because I wasn't reading and critiquing all at once)
| ashleylee wrote: |
| It is much, much grander and on a wider scale. |
Hmm, I still don't like this sentence. In fact, I think you should get rid of it; the next sentence gets the point across just fine.
Maybe you could do a line or two on what Isadora expected to see? It might be a nice addition. We also don't know how she feels about all this. Is she scared? Glancing at everyone she bumps into? Feeling out of place? Curious? Anxious?
| ashleylee wrote: |
However, I have familiarized myself with their language at a very young age[comma] and so it is not hard for me to understand the crescendo of speech around me. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Their faces swirl together into a moving ameba of nothingness. |
We didn't know about amoebas until the eighteenth century. So, while it's an awesome description, it's out of place. However, it's your choice whether you replace it or claim artistic license. It only appears once, anyway.
| ashleylee wrote: |
I am b Baffled[comma] as I gaze at my own feet enclosed in sheepskin lined slippers. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
| I follow our servant guide to the front door, which he opens and makes us follow. |
This doesn't work. Follow who and to where?
| ashleylee wrote: |
| He excretes wealth and it leaves a bitter tang in my throat. |
I know I commented on this line already in my first review, but I think "His excretion of wealth leaves a bitter tang in my throat" would sound nifty. ^-^ And, it would fit because you already say he oozes pride.
| ashleylee wrote: |
Nicandro, however, turns casually away and sips his silver goblet, the red wine staining his tongue and lips a most gruesome red. And yet, nothing so far about him repulses me. |
The first "red" should be omitted because we can infer that the wine is red because that's the colour it stains his lips. As for the underlined, "so far" should come before "nothing" in order to avoid an awkward sentence. I think you might need a comma after "so far", as well.
| ashleylee wrote: |
It is just like all the others with the marble fountain as its center but this one is much larger and with a cobblestone pathway snaking its way through the area. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
| The mixture of salty air and the smell of lilacs causes another spasm of nostalgia to ripple through my body. |
"Cause" should be plural because it is in reference to "mixture" of air and smells (a singular subject), not the air and smell themselves (a plural subject).
| ashleylee wrote: |
Another’s enters my thoughts then. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
I remember the day we set sail and she had waved and called out.[comma] “Remember to write[comma] Isadora Chatzi!” |
Also, maybe it would be good to italicize her Greece flashback/memory. That way readers will understand that it's a flashback.
| ashleylee wrote: |
It is the servant who had led my father and Ime to the Chandrenos household. |
| ashleylee wrote: |
My father has worked for Evander Chandrenos for as long as I can [accidental enter instead of space]
remember. Evander is a wealthy tradesmen and merchant. My father is the leader of one of the ports Evander sells to. But over the last few years, Evander has paid my father more and more attention. My father keeps his port neat and organized. Never is there a barrel or crate out of place. And his men are disciplined and respect my father. And so, Evander offered my father the chance to help him be a partner in his thriving business and of course, he couldn’t refuse. |
This is a lot better than the multimillion-dollar business deal. It also seems more plausible and correct for the time period.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| Hummingbirds make themselves known as they flit from flower to flower, eating the sweet nectar they provide. |
Wrong continent. Hummingbirds are native to the Americas, and nowhere else.
| ashleylee wrote: |
I place myself on a stone bench, besides the fountain. |
"Beside" should not be plural.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| It is a sculpture of another nude figure. It is a man with a lily pad concealing himself from the world. |
Here you repeat "It is" to describe the statue. It gives the sense of two separate descriptions rather than one flowing one of the same thing. Instead, try combining the sentences or rewording one or both of them.
| ashleylee wrote: |
| However[comma] his behind isn’t as covered as his front I note with coloring cheeks. |
I think you should move "I note with coloring cheeks" behind "However," and add "that" between "cheeks" and "his behind" so that this sentence reads, "However, I note with coloring cheeks that his behind..."
| ashleylee wrote: |
| His head is tipped towards the heavens and his feet are in a position that[comma] if he was alive, he would, at any moment, leap from his platform and begin to dance. |
If you still need help with passive voice and info dumping, don't be afraid to ask! And if I can't help anymore, I'll help find someone who can. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: |
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Perra:
Omgosh, thank you so much! This is great! That passive stuff makes so much more sense now. I wasn't really sure what you were talking about  but now I do!
You definitely have helped me me TONS! Umm, if there is anything you need help with me, I can totally help you!
Thanks Again! |
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Leahweird
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
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I'd like to start off by saying this is a really well written piece. Apparently it started out as an info dump, but i didn't get that at all. Actually I thought some information was missing at the start, like what city they're in, and what gender the main character is.
I love Nicandro, but the first scene is very different when you think the narrators a boy.
Also, I'm not sure if I understand the title. I'm not really sure how it connects to the piece, but I could be missing something.
Just a few notes. In the line
| Quote: |
| “Remember to write Isadora Chatzi!” |
you tell us the main characters name for the first time. All I thought was, "Who the heck is Isadora Chatzi? This problem could be fixed by saying he name sometime before that point, and sticking a comma before the name.
Secondly, in the line
| Quote: |
I can’t understand how she is ever nourished when she swallows so little down her throat.. “I don't like the word can't. That could be just me, it's your decision to change it or not. You also have a double period on the end.
When you write |
It is a lively sculpture and luckily not as revealing as some others I have seen." I would replace the work luckily with thankfully, because the latter might better portray her feelings toward nude statues. Again, it's completely up to you.
Finally, I don't like the ending. It kind of fizzles out/ A great story like this deserves a bigger finish.
I'm not going into the thing that I liked, because I enjoyed it so much it would take forever. I will say that I immensely enjoyed you style, and i particularly liked the banter between Isadora and Nicandro.
Hope this helped! |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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Leahweird:
Wow, thanks for the great critique!
My MC is a girl too. I'll try to clear that up more in the beginning. Yes, that situation between Isadora and Nicandro would be weird if they were both boys! lol but they aren't, so that's good!
Also, I will work on the two things you suggested. Gosh, I have so much to fix still from Perra so I might not get to correcting until this weekend.
Umm, also, the ending is cut off because I have another chapter continuing from there. But, I will work on that so that it is a better transition from one chapter to another.
Thanks again for the review! |
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