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To Drown
To Drown

by BumbleBear in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on April 21, 2008
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Summerless   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:52 pm    Post subject: Dawning Reply with quote

Crisp, the rising, is the suppressed sol,

Bind seasons' promises compelled you to keep,

Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll,

Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep.



Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;

Enchant the land euphoric and serene.

Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless,

Allure the unknowing with beauty of green.



Regret not losses in apples of our lives,

Bury not truths you find as lies rotten;

Existence flows, still breathes, still thrives,

For time is waning, dwindling, forgotten.



I can hear the meek cry of longing;

Footsteps I know of Summer running.







** Note: For those of you who do not know what a sonnet it, a sonnet is a poem that has fourteen lines. 

The rhyme scheme is A, B, A, B, C, D, C, D, E, F, E, F, G, G, so lines one and three, two and four, etc, and lines thirteen and fourteen should rhyme.

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Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless.


Last edited by Summerless on Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:59 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a marvelous sonnet. I loved the topic, but I think some words can be moved around because honestly I had this image in my head of Yoda reading your poem. I think it needs some reaggranging--but that's just me. I loved the imagery. SO vivid! Great for a first attempt at poetry!

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow, awesome. Real good words, real good feeling. I like it.

"Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll,
Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep.

Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Enchance the land euphoric and serene.
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless,
Allure the unknowing with beauty of green."

fantastic.
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sol = soul?

undulance = fantastic word there! I love it. Very Happy

Great poem! Your rhyming is wonderful. I'm a little picky when I say the ending couplet could be a closer rhyme. I'm not satisfied with just an "-ing," maybe "-oning," but whatever. Great first attempt! My first sonnet was certainly worse: A Sonnet to My Moose

Keep writing! Wink
~Yoyo Cool

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a great sonnet. Such beautiful language! I loved it!
The last two lines different really rhyme though.
Very Happy
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this! I'm not a very big fan of poetry but oh well. I still liked this. And i agree with deafwriter_19... I did have this image of Yoda when i read it. But otherwise, beautiful!

Alex

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree. Some very elegant words here; they construct the tone of the poem and compliment its topic very nicely.

I hate to be a stickler, and I know a few people have mentioned it already, but last impressions are just as important as first impressions... that said, maybe search for a better rhyme for the end couplet-- it's the couplet that brings the whole sonnet together, it's got to be strong!

Anyway, I know how difficult it is to write sonnets and I think yours is pretty dern awesome. keep it up!
s
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

haven't attempted a sonnet in at least a year...very hard.

you're rhyming wasn't perfect, but that's really in my opinion the least important part of a poem. just part of the structure stuff we all have to deal with.

the most important for me is the meaning of the words you put down, and no complaints there.

good job!

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PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2008 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The rhyming isn'y great, but wow! What a fantastic way you have with words. Gold star for you Very Happy
Keep writing,
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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is really good! I've always tried writing poems that rhymed, but they never turn out that well. Smile What I liked best about your poem is that the words are very pretty and vivid.

Good job!!
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 8:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I chose your poem for my 50th review; what a poem! Really well done.

Your language is fluent, eloquent and perfectly captures the speaker's sense of longing (or that's how I interpreted it anyway).

The only thing I'd say is that the rhythm in the line "Shy away Snow..." doesn't quite work; if you could clear this up this would be much appreciated.

Your work shows exceeding promise; your choice of words is excellent! I'm feeling all romantic now... hehe.

I look forward to seeing more of your work. Well done once again. 9/10

Gahks

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this made me want to write sonnets! Great vocabulary you've got there! And rhyming worked, too.

It's true about that Yoda thing... Smile i had to laugh when I saw deafwriter_19 saying that. But that's mainly in the very last line. And it's not too bad.

Thanks for telling what's a sonnet, I had always wondered that. So extra points for that Smile and a golden star.

Wishing for more sonnets by you,
Demeter

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 1:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was reading, and thinking "Well this is oddly written." I enjoyed it immensely, but I got to then end and had an epiphany. "Oh! It's a sonnet!." I feel dumb for not realizing it sooner. It's very well down. I actually really liked the rhyming, but for the most part I agree with the other reviewers. Vocabulary! Hazah!

My own notes include some possible typos in the first stanza, and this line
Quote:
Laugh, cerise lips, on the jade knoll,
I don't think Cerise is the word you're looking for. I think there are better, two syllable words for a red stone out there. I can see your intent, and I like it, but my personal sense of phrase balks at that word.

Otherwise, fantastically written. That's hard to do with this type of poetry. Congratulations for pulling it off.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was beautiful! I adored it!

I love the language you used in this; it was lovely, and perfect, and unique. I loved 'undulance' and 'cerise' especially:)

"Slow over the fruitless, undulance of sleep." I'd take out the comma between fruitless and undulance. Fruitless is describing undulance, right?

"...is the suppressed sol," Sol=soul?

Yes, quite fantasmic, and definitely worthy of another star:) *stars*


*adna*

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Last edited by Adnamarine on Sat May 10, 2008 3:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow...
Just wow...
That was...wow
Hehe that was very good!
I really like it! Awesome!
Great! Amazing even!

~Lulu

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This thread was created on April 21, 2008

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