Topic ID: 24534
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
BellaLuna
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 03 Feb 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 12
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 5:39 am Post subject: Night |
 |
|
(Night)
As night falls, shadows lengthen until they give way to total darkness. There is no moon to bring in any bit of light to the cold, dark bedroom where she lays. She shivers, but does not bother to pull the old quilt around her. Maybe if she's lucky, she'll freeze to death. And anyway, being cold makes it feel as if he's here laying beside her again. Slowly, she lifts her head.
No one there. Of course not.
She scolds herself for being so foolish as the pain in her chest flares. Her eyes burn with unshed tears, her body shakes from the sobs she holds back. She reaches for a pillow and shoves her face into it, finally letting herself cry. Memories flash in her mind and she remembers him. His face...his eyes...the way he smiles...the way his icy fingertips feel against her warm skin. Never again will she see his face nor feel his touch. She'd been so sure...so sure he loved her.
Well, now she knows she was wrong. And she feels like she should have known all along. After all, he's the equivalent of a god, and what is she? A mere mortal. A foolish, stupid, ugly human girl.
The tears feel as if they will never end. A minute slips by...then an hour...another...she cries till she has no tears left. Only then, when her eyes are red and swollen and her mind too exhausted to keep awake a second longer, does she give in to her nightmares.
A/N: This is a drabble set shortly after Edward leaves in New Moon. It was inspired by the song 'Almost Lover' by A Fine Frenzy. It's a very emotional, heartwrenching song and it reminds me very much of the pain Bella went through in the second book. I decided to listen to song again just to see what I came up with while listening to it. |
Last edited by BellaLuna on Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:31 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Kepe
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 175
Reviews: 71
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Well I did think it would fit into the book, however it was a bit predictable. Stephanie Meyer left out description about that time because, well, we all knew what happened. So its not that your writing or anything is bad, its just that your fan fic told us what we already knew. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Posts: 1294
Reviews: 201
Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing*
544 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Kepe was probably right, but it was still excellent description. Just one error I saw:
"Well now she knows she was wrong."
"Well" needs a comma after it. 
Is your avatar supposed to be Bella and Jacob?
edit: Bella and Edward lol. Sorry. I'm a shameless Jacob fangirl.  |
_________________
"I was born free, and in order to live free I chose the solitude of the countryside. The trees of these mountains are my companions, the clear waters of these streams are my mirrors...I am a distant fire and a far-off sword." ~Don Quixote
Last edited by lyrical_sunshine on Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:50 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Samantha Eliza
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 112
Reviews: 25
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really liked this. I think it captures the time after Edward left perfectly, because Bella was angsty and not really all there, like she was just exisiting without living. I especially like the part where you say: "And anyway, being cold makes it feel as if he's here laying beside her again." This was really good, and I found no grammar mistakes aside from the one that Sunny pointed out. |
_________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss |
|
| Back to top |
|
BellaLuna
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 03 Feb 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 12
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| lyrical_sunshine wrote: |
Is your avatar supposed to be Bella and Jacob?
edit: Bella and Edward lol. Sorry. I'm a shameless Jacob fangirl. |
Hahaha. It's okay. Yes, it's Bella and Edward (or Emily Browning and Gaspard Ulliel). I am a complete Edward fangirl.
Thanks for all the reviews! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Fangala the Flying Feline
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Apr 2007
Posts: 273
Reviews: 216
Country: 20% in the present, 80% in my head
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow, now that I look at your avatar, I feel all warm and fuzzy and shivery inside! I like Edward a lot more than Bella. Bella honestly gets on my nerves. She's way too dramatic.
As for this piece, I liked it, but I agree with what everyone else says. It's interesting hearing about Bella in 3rd person, and I think you pulled it off perfectly.
Good job! |
_________________
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"
"That's no star...that's Fangala!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
Loyal Ninjavamp
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I thought it was very descriptive and captured how Bella felt perfectly.
I'm also an Edward fangirl. Notice my avatar. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
HollieWood
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 9:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was good..but I agree with Fangala.. Bella really grates on my nerves.. i won't even read the third book because I dislike her so much. But this definatly could have fit into the book in one way or another.
(Maybe I'm being too hard on her..I don't believe in crying over boys =] )
Anyways..keep writing! |
_________________
What the F David Blain!
CHEEZE ITS CHEEZE ITS!
Evan! David Blain enlarged the car while I was still holding it!
Im effing Five Foot Ace of Spades!
Get out of my house you back to the future demon ass! |
|
| Back to top |
|
jessiieeboo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 56
Reviews: 42
Country: usa
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like this but I think it could have been alittle longer. I agree with what HollieWood said. You told us what we already new about Bella. Over all it was very good. It seemed like her style of writting. Happy writting!
Jessie xx |
_________________
peace love +& respect,
jess♥ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Absynthe
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 17 Mar 2008
Posts: 58
Reviews: 31
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This was cool. I have a bad habbit of thinking and immagineing parts, like what would charlie think if he found out that edward was a vampire, and such. this is good and you should write more!! |
_________________
Into the rabbit hole we hurried along our way, to a once glorious garden now seeped in dark decay |
|
| Back to top |
|
deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 356
Reviews: 110
Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like the third-person thing too. And I like how you related the cold to Edward. Bellimiso...I don't know if that's right... |
_________________
I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer.
http://www.freewebs.com/ridiculouslyross/ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
I, personally, like to read Twilight fanfiction in first person (probably because Stephenie Meyer wrote hers that way).
It's pretty good except the fact that you are telling us everything. Yes, a lot of people these days are so wrapped up with showing, but almost all of this is being told. You can still be writing from an omniscient narrator's point of view, but try making her think what she feels.
However, I like the first paragraph. The part about being cold and the cold reminding her of Edward fits well. |
_________________
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
|
| Back to top |
|
SeptemberRain
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 3
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ahhh! This made me so sad! I myself am I a ravid Twilight fangirl and was pratically devastated when Edward left. I think you've really captured what Bella was feeling when he left.
I personally like the third person. I don't know why, but I have this secret love for third person (ha, ha).
Please keep writing!  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
prefect - memory12
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 14 May 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Very nice. This passage could fit into Twilight. Even though it is predictable a bit I really like it. I loved how you captured Bella and Edward. I see no spelling mistakes. So I say keep writing more, because with Night, you could make a very well written fan story. Anyway very nice job, and I hope to see your work soon.
S. Torain |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
adeleay
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 43
Reviews: 7
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think the description was excellent. I felt i could truly sympathize with the character. This was truly outstanding and i liked the juxtaposition of the burning and crying (like fire and water) and the icy fingertips against the warm skin. i also like the image of 'freeze to death' because it represents how the girl wants her emotions to be frozen so she doesn't have to feel vulnerable.
Well done
Adele x |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
