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Trapped by Fate
Trapped by Fate

by jasmine12 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 4, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Wrong or Right? (Chapter One)
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Chap. 3 or Wrong or Right
Chapter 4 of Wrong or Right
Chapter 5 of Wrong or Right
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Chap. 7/Part 2 of Wrong or Right
Eighth (And LAST) Chapter of Wrong or Right
Chasing The Sun (Chapter 1)
Chapter Two of Chasing The Sun
Chapter 3 of Chasing the Sun
Chapter 4 of Chasing The Sun
Chapter 5 of Chasing The Sun (And Last)

Chapter 6 of Wrong Or Right
Topic ID: 29750
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deafwriter_19   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:23 pm    Post subject: Chapter 6 of Wrong Or Right Reply with quote

A/N: Okay, guys. I just watched the Cruel Intentions trailer and I involved an element of that movie in my story. Read on! It's short, but one member harrassed me to get it out ASAP! Rolling Eyes

I opened my eyes slowly. I was staring at an alarm clock that read 11 in the morning, and something hard was pressing against my back. My legs tangled with a second pair. And strangely I didn’t feel the covers against my skin…

“Oh, God!” I sat up abruptly. Detangled my legs from my cousin’s and peeked over the mattress slowly.

Just as I thought.

The covers were off the bed by actions from last night. Sunshine splashed across the single mattress cover and our bodies.

“Mother--” I began to mutter then caught myself as Chad murmured in his sleep. I crawled/fell off the bed and went in the bathroom, closing the door.

I exhaled sharply and turned the sink faucet. Water rushed out. I threw water on my face, trying to take away the sleepliness weighing down my eyelids. There was a bathrobe on a hanger and I quickly put it on.

“Okay, breathe.” I told myself. “This is not a big deal. Having sex with your cousin is not--oh, what am I saying!” I shouted the last part and then clapped my hands over my mouth. I had temporarily forgot about the person in the next room.

Well, the damage was done. I snuck back in the bedroom to see Chad just sitting up.

“Hi,” I said tentatively.

Chad was just about to answer when his cell phone rang. He retrieved it and accepted the call. After a few minutes of idly listening to one-sided conversation that made no sense, I made to leave the room.

“Calix?” Chad asked. I turned.

“My friend wants to meet you. Today,”

“Oh…” I hesitated before saying, “Who is he?"

"His name is Steven," Chad told me. "He's one of my best friends."

"Oh." There was a silence, then--

"No piercings?" I joked.

"No, he's fully un-pierced." Chad smiled. "I think you'll like him."

I nodded, "Sure. Why not?”

“So you basically made out after that?” Steven White asked.

I nodded, smiling, “It was really great. And all this because of a photo shoot!”

“You know the studio thing was actually his idea,” Chad told me as he gave me the mug full of hot chocolate.

“Oh, cool,” I said to Steven.

He shrugged, “Chad’s told me a lot about you. I helped him build the studio. My mom’s a photographer and so I borrowed some of her stuff.”

Steven was a very nice guy and very handsome too. He had dark curls that seemed to be cut just right. A smile always pulled at his full lips and his light blue eyes--striking against his bronzed skin--watched me intensely as I spoke.

The ding-ding-ding-a-ling of Chad’s cell phone ringing interrupted the reply I was just going to say. Chad took it out and looked at the screen, “Better take this.”

The instant Chad walked out, Steven said, “Calix, can I tell you something?”

"What's up?"

"Do you love Chad?"

I raised my eyebrows at him, “I--I do--well, I’m not sure.” Was it love? Lust? Just a brief surge of hormones?

Steven took out a slim camera, “I hope you don’t because he made a bet,”

“A bet? With?”

“Friends. It was about you,”

“Me? A bet about me?” Surprise colored my tone.

“He made a bet to get you in bed,” If the blunt delivery shocked me, then his words left me gawking.

"He's gay, right?" I said stupidly.

“He is gay, but he doesn’t love you in that way.” Steven said softly. "He really wanted to win this, so...I guess he went the distance."

“For what price?” I was becoming numb.

“He really likes one of his friends and that friend bet that if Chad could get you in bed with him, then they could do what he wanted. In bed.”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t know what to believe. Did I believe Steven, or did I believe my cousin?


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Last edited by deafwriter_19 on Sat May 10, 2008 4:06 pm; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, SNAP!

Wow... that sucks for Calix...

I love how your story gets the reader to care about the characters. All the chapters so far have been phenomeenal, but I can tell that this one was a bit rushed, since there was less build-up. You'd think that he would be at least curious about the mysterious friend who wanted to meet him and that Calix would ask why? Who is it? etc.

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here are two things that stood out to me.

trying to take away.

Take away what?



In bed,

The comma should be a period. And just change the period before to a comma and lowercase the i.

Other then that it was pretty good. Interesting, but good. Nice twist.

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh.

Thanks for the cliffhanger... Sad

I didn't notice anything this time around. You are a really fantastic author. Seriously. You always have me riveted to my seat and... and...

Yeah. But I'm glad we finally got away from all of the mushy gushy stuff. It's time for the real plot now. Now that we have a connection with the reader we can get into all of the good stuff.

This was a great chapter. But I still can't believe I had to wait all of this time for this little tiny thing... *sigh* Oh well. I can wait.

Yeah. I have no critiques since this is really great. I wouldn't want to ruin anything. And besides, you're pretty good with grammar, and that's about all of the mistakes that I could ever find.

-Jared

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OH MY GOD that is SO messed up i could KILL chad well don't keep me in susspense for long because i NEED to know what else is going to happen ALSO i have re-edited a few of my poems please read and critic them thanks

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 8:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm back, yet again. Wink

Same format as always.





Highlighted Comments

1. Combine this with the next paragraph.
2. I don’t really like how you wrote this…
3. And? Was it dark – did he trip? Did he stub his toe and swear, nearly waking his cousin? Did he realize he was naked, grab some clothes?
4. Expand! Here’s were we need some of your lovely filler. ;P
5. I don’t think these words should be italicized.
6. No he didn’t – he was talking about him! Maybe ‘I had temporarily forgotten that Chad was in the next room.’ See the difference?
7. Very fast – slow down, write filler.
8. Again, filler. ;P What’s it like? Tense? Do they stare at each other before he finally answers the phone? Drag it out!
9. Doesn’t his cousin find this rude?
10. Hm…should I get this?
11. Put a --- or *** here – something to show the difference, rather than just spaces. And make sure you use an odd number of them – usually three or five.
12. What was with this? Why did we just learn it?
13. I feel that ‘me’ should be italicized, rather than ‘bet.’ He is repeating it for emphasis…
14. What?
15. Odd addition – maybe a dash instead?
16. I’d just go with ‘I didn’t reply – I didn’t know what to believe.’ The rest is obvious and wordy.

Overall Comments

*Sigh* You shouldn’t give in to peer pressure! ;P Who cares if they want more? Make them wait!

Slow down and work on the second half. It is rushed so much – there’s absolutely no filler. I feel like I’m not there.

Come on; it’s fun! You can break Calix’s heart! Expand on the emotions, but not only of Calix’s. Of David’s, Chad’s – everyone!

Also, careful how you write it. For several paragraphs, I couldn’t figure out who’s point of view it was. I didn’t think Calix would talk to David about making out with his cousin, so I assumed that it was Chad’s point of view. Maybe start a bit earlier?

Anyways, good ideas, but I can definitely tell that you rushed. You’re better than this.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 9:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This part was just as good as all the rest. :]

One piece of critique:

Quote:
David was a very nice guy and very handsome too. He had dark curls that seemed to be cut just right. A smile always pulled at his full lips and his light blue eyes--striking against his bronzed skin--watched me intensely as I spoke.


Almost all of that is telling. Instead of putting all that information through a one-sit paragraph, why not make Calix look at David in the eye or something, and then notice his eyes are light blue. Or blend all the little details about David into the paragraphs.

Example:

Quote:
I raised my eyebrows at him and stared at his light blue eyes. “I--I do--well, I’m not sure.” Was it love? Lust? Just a brief surge of hormones? I watched a crease form in David's bronzed forehead.


In that little example I whipped up from your sentence, "I raised my eyebrows at him, “I--I do--well, I’m not sure.” Was it love? Lust? Just a brief surge of hormones?" it's a lot better than "spitting out" all the information at once.

Else than that everything else is so suspenseful! I can't wait to read more of Wrong or Right and the Bloody Canvas!

- Jion

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PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please write more, I really am addicted to this story...you are a fantastic writer!
Great job, and keep writing
Thanks,
Angel

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PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is FANTASTIC!!! I loved how you ended it with that sentence. How do you do this? Do you have a secret elf or something that write for you? Rolling Eyes

I couldn't find any mistakes that weren't already pointed out. You've done it again...

Keep up the good work!

Alex

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the series(i'm gonna call it that), but you really need to WRITE-MORE-SO-YOU DON'T-KEEP-MAKING-US-SUSPENSFUL!! Please and thank you.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, everyone...BREATHE! What's up with all the WRITE MORE reviews. This isn't FictionPress. Also, I edited it a bit. One character's name is now Steven White. I promised one friend I'd include his name in the story and forgot. But due to his reminding, I edited it now!

Also, give me room to write. I can't crank out three chapters per day. I'm not Dan Brown or whatever. The tests and the nearing end of school is making me busy. So, relax. I will get stuff out, but you might have to wait.

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 2:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, sorry if I do that, its definitely a habit, but you are a great writer...when you read something addictive, its hard not being addicted, eh? Well good luck!!
Angel

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