Topic ID: 29780
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
black star of darkness
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 10
Country: UK
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: Soul-Searching |
 |
|
Hey this is a sonnet I wrote at school and liked, so would some peeps mind giving their opinion please!
My lonely soul forever lost to me,
Out of reach in a place I cannot find,
Locked 'way in the deep confines of my mind.
Hidden from me so that I cannot see,
With a jailer who through away the key.
All of my knowledge about being kind,
In my destructive wake it's left behind.
My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,
With each crime, I lose more of myself,
Will never know what it means to be nice,
My emotions tucked 'way on a high shelf,
And with a last desperate throw of the dice,
I do something that damages my health. |
_________________
"My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre and that I am therefore excused from saving universes." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
mizz-iceberg
...is BACK!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 443
Reviews: 202
Country: Canada
689 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: Re: Soul-Searching |
|
|
Hmm, I usually don't critique poetry but the title caught my eye and I decided to check it out. Overall I really liked it and I think you've done very well.
| Quote: |
With a jailer who through away the key.
All of my knowledge about being kind, |
This part just bothered me for some reason. I think mainly because I think the word 'kind' was rather weak to fit in with the rest of the well described poem.
But then again may it's just me. Personally I think you did very well in showing not telling so kudos for that!
| Quote: |
My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,
With each crime, I lose more of myself, |
Loved this part!
| Quote: |
Will never know what it means to be nice, |
Again, wasn't too fond of this as I find the word 'nice' rather weak and too vague.
But overall I'd say this was a great poem! The descriptions were vivid and went well with the message. Keep writing! |
_________________
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 692
Reviews: 266
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like writing sonnets and I enjoyed reading this. I thought it was creative and well thought out. Good job and keep writing! |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Demeter
Oh, please.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 610
Reviews: 220
Country: Finland
1314 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this, although there were a few things disturbing me.
"Jailer" doesn't sound like a real world, of course this may be the whole point, but still, I think i.e. "prisoner" would've been a better word. And it should be "who threw away the key" not "who through...".
The ending is awkward. "I do something that damages my health" sounds emo and besides, it's too telling. If you know what I mean.
But, these where only a couple of things. Other than that, good. 
All the best from
Demeter |
_________________
So how are we gonna ditch the dodo? |
|
| Back to top |
|
AmberAngst
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Aug 2007
Posts: 388
Reviews: 59
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 7:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with both of the above crits, especially Demeter. "who through..." made the poem feel a little awkward. I think you should take her advice in replacing it with "who threw away."
"My stone-cold heart beats out blood made of ice,"
That one was my favorite line from the whole poem, but I think that stanza seems a little too blunt, like Demeter decribed as "Emo". Try spicing it up a little.
Other than that, I really enjoyed it! |
_________________
It feels nice being single again. |
|
| Back to top |
|
harrypotterbooklover101
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 10 Apr 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 9
Country: Hogwarts
334 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a really good pome |
_________________
Spend Money
Live Worse
Wall-Mart |
|
| Back to top |
|
Writing for love is a pas
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 178
Reviews: 72
Country: none ya (US)
343 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| that was really kinda dark. Ny'ways, still loved it. just, try not to make it sound so emo. Not that emo is bad, I just don't think it was your best. Don't worry. I still loved it. |
_________________
ello. why are you reading me? Seriously, leave me alone. *mutters* Wierdos. |
|
| Back to top |
|
nightmarebook13
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2007
Posts: 38
Reviews: 28
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
okay.... hmmm.... very impressive. little dark but thats how i like it. perhaps draw inspriation from some music would help make it longer and more in depth. i want to know what happened to make you feel this way as the reader. but very good. =)
? nightmare |
_________________
i rember stormy weather, the way the sky looks when its cold. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
