Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

NaNoWriMo

YWS Birthday Smash!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Post Your NaNo '08 Wordcount!
Post Your NaNo '08 Wordcount!

by BigBadBear in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on January 29, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Inner Peace

Topic ID: 25280
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
mizz-iceberg   View This User's Portfolio
Speaker of the Forum

214
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 522
Reviews: 214
Country: Canada
388 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:26 pm    Post subject: Inner Peace Reply with quote

Dont know what to name it. Inner Peace or The Question

I like Inner peace better.

here we go:

The millions of twinkling stars dotted majestically on the vast cloudless night sky seemed to be holding a conference with each other. The moon, though also present seemed not to be participating. She was in fact gazing upon two humans, one who seemed quite wise and ancient and one fresh with youthfulness. They sat beneath her in an open green field. The night was rather warm but a cool breeze would waft through now and then and the grass would rustle sounding as if it was whispering a lullaby.

The youth had come to the old man with a question. A question he had asked so many others but had so far found not a single convincing enough answer for him. It was a question that had been bothering him and creating turmoil within him for ever so long now. It seemed to him that he could not live, could not rest, could not go on with life until it was answered. Life would seem meaningless if it wasn’t answered. The youth with an eager, inquiring mind had finally made his way to the ancient man who most people ignored. Maybe he had the answer he wished to know so much.

The moon felt tender as she watched the old and the young sit together, and the youth to listen so intently to the old man’s wise words. It was not often she saw such a combination.

The hold man touched the youngster’s hand gently and looked far off into space.

“Son” He said in a quite and steady voice, “Think from your heart and your head, combine the two. This question has been asked for millions of years and has been given answers too. But there are so many different answers and definitions of this question that people are left dazed and confused for each one seems more convincing than the last. It’s been a mind boggling mystery for centuries and millenniums. But I believe there are answers.

The youth leaned forward intently. “Answers!? What kind of answers? I wish to know.” This was it, he thought. May this was the answer to everything.

“I shall not tell the theories as they left millions just more confused. And they are not satisfying. Think about it yourself.” The old man paused at a loss for words.

“Deep down in our hearts” he continued, “there is an inkling of an idea, of a belief. We all do. Yet we don’t dig down and listen to it.” He smiled slowly. Confusion seemed to be etched on the Youth’s forehead.

“I see you are getting confused.” The old man decided to change tactics. He decided to make the young man understand in a different way.

“What do you feel? What do you think?” the old man gazed at him softly, his eyes urging him.

The young man looked at the starry sky, he looked at the beautiful full moon, neither silver nor gold yet something in between. For a while he let himself go, he let his steadiness of mind go and mingle around in his head. He inhaled the clear air and the fresh scent of grass. He got dizzy as he lost himself in the numerous stars splashed and scattered about. He was so small, the sky so big. The world so big. Where was the end to this sky? Was there an end? He left himself ponder about life. His life. A small melancholy feeling started to spread in his chest, a sad yet vibrant feeling.

“I feel like crying for some strange reason.” He said slowly, his face still up-turned towards the night sky.

“Then cry! There is no harm. Stop trying to fight your emotions. Let them wash over you. Stop resisting. Stop acting like a man. Cry, by all means cry!”

The young man spoke again, questioning the old man. “What am I? Look at the millions of stars, they are so beautiful, so mysterious. They are so perfect, they fit in just perfectly in to the vast sky. Just looking at up at it and wondering at its capacity, makes me dizzy. I am so small, so tiny, minute. I…I…there must have been…I…” he shut his eyes, overwhelmed. A single tear slipped down his cheek. He recalled his childhood, his village, his hardships, the change within him, his life. Was it for a reason? Was there a purpose in his life or was he a mere accident? All his hardships, all his deeds, his life be forgotten when he dies? Will that be it for him? It couldn’t just end like that.

And most importantly the thirst his soul had felt, the missing piece of the puzzle, the hollowness, the desire to know, the yearning, even the thought that there might be someone watching over him just all a mistake?

The broad-shouldered youth broke into sobs. He was nothing? Meaningless? No! His life had a reason! It had to! Ohh! He felt so small, like a child. He wanted be wrapped around in comfort or in some ones arms. He wanted love and attention. He wanted a purpose!

The old man left him alone, watching him carefully with his wise eyes.

It was quite a while after the youth had calmed down that the old man spoke.

“How do you feel son?”

“Peaceful.”

“Might you explain?”

The youth nodded. “I haven’t got it, but I reached out for the inkling within and grasped it. I’m on the right path.”

“Oh? Elaborate” The wise man said though he knew quite well.

The young man looked straight at the old man. “You asked me what believed. I believe there is a creator. By what name, what faith, I do not yet know. But I know He’s there. And since I wish so hard to know Him, to find Him, He shall guide me to Him. I’m in earnest. I’ll find the puzzle piece I’m looking for. I’ll come across many pieces but I’ll know which ones the right one. It’ll fit. I’ll have Inner Peace.”

~The End~

To make the right choices in life,

you have to get in touch with your soul.

To do this, you need to experience solitude,

which most people are afraid of,

because in the silence you hear the truth

and know the solutions.

-Deepak K. Chopra


_________________
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Got YWS?


Last edited by mizz-iceberg on Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:21 pm; edited 3 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
OrangeNailpolish   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Jan 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 10
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:01 pm    Post subject: Re: The Question ( or maybe Inner Peace) Reply with quote

mizz-iceberg wrote:
The millions of twinkling stars dotted majestically on the vast cloudless night sky seemed to be holding a conference with each other.

That's a lot of adjectives, I would recommend taking some out. As good as adjectives are, you don't need so many.
mizz-iceberg wrote:
It seemed to him that he could not live, could not rest, could not g on with life utill it was answered.

g=go utill=until
*Just a few minor spelling issues throughout the story, check through to fix them with spell check.*
mizz-iceberg wrote:
“I shall not tell the theories as they left millions just more confused. And they are not satisfying. Think about it yourself.” The old man paused at a loss for words.

“Deep down in our hearts” he continued, “there is an inkling of an idea, of a belief. We all do yet we don’t dig down and listen to it.” He smiled slowly. Confusion seemed to be etched on the Youth’s forehead.

You can combine these two paragraphs to be one large one.


mizz-iceberg wrote:
He recalled his childhood, his village, his hardships, Nelly, the change within him, his life.

Who is Nelly?

mizz-iceberg wrote:
“And most importantly the thirst his soul had felt, the missing piece of the puzzle, the hollowness, the desire to know, the yearning, even the thought that there might be someone watching over him just all a mistake?”

Who is saying this, or is it just narrative?

- - - - -

This is amazing, I love it. Definitely made me think about stuff. Just a few grammatical errors, but other than that, it was awesome. Just a quick inquiry, how old is the young person, he seems older than a child, but is younger than an adult. Is he a teenager? As for the title, I personally think that Inner Peace would be a very fitting title.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
writer564   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 29 Sep 2007
Posts: 33
Reviews: 20
Country: you wish you knew
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The millions of twinkling stars dotted majestically on the vast cloudless night sky seemed to be holding a conference with each other.

This is a little wordy in my opinion.

Quote:
The moon, though also present seemed not to be participating. She was in fact gazing upon two humans, one who seemed quite wise and ancient and one fresh with youthfulness

I really like this sentence.

Quote:
could not g on with life utill it was answered

go, until

Quote:
The youth with an eager inquiring mind had finally made his way to the ancient man who most people ignored

I don't know what to suggest, but i think this sentence stopped the flow of the story.

Quote:
This question has been asked for millions of years and has been given answers too but there are so many different answers and definitions of this question that people are left dazed and confused for each one seems more convincing than the last.

This is a run-on sentence.

Quote:
Was there an end. He left himself ponder about life

Was there an end? He let himself ponder about life.

Quote:
He recalled his childhood, his village, his hardships, Nelly, the change within him, his life.

You need to tell us who Nelly is or maybe just leave her/him out.

This was very good. It gives you a lot to think about. In my opinion the better title is Inner Peace. Keep up the good work.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger
arhez   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2007
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... Like really Wow. It made me stop and think.
Keep writing!

_________________
To live without hope
is to cease to live.


Last edited by arhez on Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:36 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mizz-iceberg   View This User's Portfolio
Speaker of the Forum

214
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 522
Reviews: 214
Country: Canada
388 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok I went over all this and edited all the mistakes.
Now what do you guys think?

_________________
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Runawaythoughts   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

35
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 50
Reviews: 35

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this is great! It is detailed enough to stay descriptive, but leaves enough out to be timeless. Anyone reading this can think what they want, christians can think you referring to Jesus, muslims can think you rreferring to Allah. Good job! Not siding with one groups own thoughts but making it broad enough for it to reach out to anyone. I found a few mistakes, but after reading it I realized there was no need for correct. It made its point, and made me think. Great Job! I found a few mistakes but I dont think you need to do anything to this, its a strong piece as it is.

IF i do have to give some advice, here you go, it what the only non spelling/ grammatical thing i found.

Try to disconnect the moon as a character. She might ruin the seriousness of the piece for some, and its kind of a weird way to start it, giving the moon an indentity and thoughts. Leave it as an inaminate object, but that doesnt mean you can't have it looking down on them. (i know this tips a little confusing but its good)

_________________
Read my stories and please review back!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
tennisprincess   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 118
Reviews: 90
Country: Vagonia Land
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Overall; good piece.

Although I feel like you could have made me visualize more.

I felt.. a need for even more description for some reason. True, you do give a certain amount but you can pop in more just about anywhere. Of course, excluding between important events or dialouge unless it fits.


Another thing honestly though was the beginning of this bored me.

The hook was something I've heard many times before until you got to the word dotted. That was impressive. Perhaps though, you need to start differently.


The plot of this short story was well done in my opinion. I often write about things like religion and faith myself and it was interesting for me to hear it from a character's point of view.


HAppy writing!!
Smile

TP.

8/10

_________________
Well, there isn't a whole lot to say... So I'll just hypnotize you and steal your cookies now..
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on January 29, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on January 29, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society