Topic ID: 29722
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Demeter
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 Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 7:07 am Post subject: The first of June |
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Sometimes it feels like
everything goes wrong,
nothing happens,
no one listens.
When they're not around
just when you need them
or want to show something.
When your sentence is cut out
by ringing of the phone
or a frolicking cat.
When jealous people mock you
or something breaks down.
When a certain person
doesn't even say hi
and goes away with her.
When after a great day
you come home
and no one's there.
Then it feels
that the day is ruined,
no one cares,
all is for nothing.
But still,
after one hi
or a little snack
it starts to feel
that it's alright.
It's alright.
I am great.
And after this
I feel a lot better
It's clearing up. |
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Last edited by Demeter on Mon May 05, 2008 2:15 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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CassandraInvisible
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 9:55 am Post subject: |
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Hmm. I feel like the poem is a bit out of sync, to give it more flow you should have stanzas of equal or alternating length, so the reader can get in to a rhythm with it.
I can sort of see where you're trying to come from, but the poem is like a collection of all these little thoughts and it's kind of hard to follow. You could try sticking to one particular event or idea, so that there is an established theme for the poem.
Also mind your grammar, i.e capital letters where they are required.
Good effort though, keep it up. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 10:23 am Post subject: |
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This is far from a new idea and you don't approach it with anything original, you tell us a story. This make it incredibly weak, as you tell us everything whereas you could show it. My next problem.
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Sometimes it feels like
everything goes wrong
nothing happens
no one listens
when they're not around
just when you need them
or want to show something
when your sentence is cut out
by ringing of the phone
or a frolicking cat
when jealous people mock you
or something breaks down
when a certain person
doesn't even say hi
and goes away with her
when after a great day
you come home
and no one's there
Then it feels
that the day is ruined
no one cares
all is for nothing
But still
after one hi
or a little snack
it starts to feel
that it's alright
it's alright
I am great
after this
I feel a lot better
it's clearing up
(Where is the puntuation? It's non-existent. The flow would be much better with some puntuation.)
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Overall: This poem has one merit it shocked me. When I first began it, reckoned it was gonna to be emo and poor me. Other than that, it was nothing new. You tell us a very mundane and unoriginal story, and forget puntuation 101. Lastly remember: Show don't tell!
Good luck
VSN |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Vernon. You should put some punctuation. Read your poem aloud and find where you should add a period or a comma.
It's a nice first try. I liked the "frolicking cat" part.
Welcome to YWS :]
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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I did a weird thing and read the comments before the poem. Strange perhaps? Very. But I'm backtracking again, back to the poem.
I'll have to disagree with most of the critque, because I felt I liked it in spite of myself. It's quite understated and is unashamedly honest. I felt like I could relate to the person talking.
Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 7:07 am Post subject: The first of June
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| Quote: |
Sometimes it feels like
everything goes wrong,
nothing happens,
no one listens. (You could expand on this first stansa, it's a little weak to start the poem off with. Like starting an amazing story with a sigh or something. It needs more punch.)
When they're not around (Who? But I liked this because it could mean anything. I took they to be their parents. Nice touch.
just when you need them
or want to show something.
When your sentence is cut out (Great imagery in this stansa)
by ringing of the phone
or a frolicking cat.
When jealous people mock you (expand?)
or something breaks down.
When a certain person
doesn't even say hi
and goes away with her. (Good. You were veering towards emo but who pulled yourself back)
When after a great day (I feel this part! I love it)
you come home
and no one's there.
Then it feels
that the day is ruined,
no one cares,
all is for nothing. (Nice)
But still,
after one hi
or a little snack
it starts to feel
that it's alright.
It's alright.
I am great.
And after this
I feel a lot better
It's clearing up. |
(Brilliant ending. Almost shows by writing this you feel better)
Good work, 7/10. You're getting there with this one, now polish it up and make it great.
Eimear |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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| i have to agree with....................Eimear!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Don't ask me why I did that). I liked the poem...different. Feliz Cinco de Mayo!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Accelerate
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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Like CassandraInvisible said, the varying lengths in the stanzas seem very random and give off an unorganized impression. It's quite distracting to me, personally.
However, I believe you have much promise as a writer. Just some adjustments to make and I'm sure you'll be right on track. Adding more element to your poem should do the trick. |
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gryffgotgame
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: Hi |
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| Personally, I really liked the poem. All of us teenagers at one point or another have felt the bland way the poem is trying to express. Everyone's gone through a day and said, "What's the point in all of this." That's why I liked the poem. I could relate to it. I love works that allow me to put myself in the place of the narrator. There were a couple of grammar and structure errors, but everyone else has them coved so I won't be repetitive. Keep on trying your hand at poetry. Good luck=) |
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