Topic ID: 25742
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Eimear
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 Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: What do you see? |
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What do you see when you close your eyes?
A million tiny dots?
What you had for breakfast?
A loved one's face?
Perhaps you see God.
Good for you.
Let me tell you what i see.
I see a thousand servants,
Rising above their masters.
They live in Russia.
I see a mother,
Weeping on the face of her son.
She lives in Iraq.
I see neighbour,
Turn against neighbour.
They live in Africa.
This is what i see.
I live nowhere, on the streets.
With nothing left to do all day,
but see everyone else's problems but my own. |
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Liz
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:03 am Post subject: |
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Reasonable, but so obvious & direct I felt like you were shoving your message down my throat.
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| They live in Russia. |
You don't really need to tell us that. Show us.
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I live nowhere, on the streets.
With nothing left to do all day,
but see everyone else's problems but my own. |
I like the "I live nowhere", but you contradicted it and weakened it by qualifying the strong statement by saying "on the streets." SHow us where you live. I'd like to see little details or imagery that shows us the environment, and that in turn will give us the idea that you have nothing else to do all day, since you're noticing all the little things. And how do you see everyone else's problems? Do you read it in the newspapers? Hear others talk? Show us, be subtle. |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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I think subtlety would help this piece quite a bit. Perhaps instead of describing the country/continent, you could describe the setting. In fact, you could show (as opposed to telling) most of the stuff here.
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I see neighbour,
Turn against neighbour.
They live in Africa. |
I see a man
Cut down his neighbor
Like a tall tree -
With a machete
In a mine of diamonds
Now, of course, that's just me in a couple seconds. But I wouldn't be afraid to go for more stylistic imagery, and less telling. This can be much longer too. It's so sparse, and I think that it's a fairly interesting topic (what goes on behind your eyes). I wish ou pursued it, with more imagination and detail.
However, I congradulate you on this gem:
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Perhaps you see God.
Good for you.
Let me tell you what i see. |
To often poems are all about the author and never about the reader. It actually held my attention when you rather blatantly shove the reader aside and switched focus. Just capitalize the "I". |
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adriangarcia
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: |
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I do like the general theme, or message, of the poem. Having said that, I would love to see you expand the actual poem. I think it would be something quite good.
Nice read. Enjoyed it. |
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Livinginfantasy
YAY Violence!
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
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I have to agree with Liz, I do feel you are shoving it down my throat. Try making it smoother and showing me. I want to see Russia and the others, you know.
Also, remember to capitalize your I's. I know, I make that mistake too, but actually seeing it makes me realize how annoying it is.
Very nice imagery, emotion and topic. And I love those last three lines!
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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Ami, you've a wonderful poem, but seeing the other comments I agree you should show these places, it's a very selfless poem and if worked on, you could really make people feel guilty. I love this line:
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What you had for breakfast?
A loved one's face? |
That is damn graphic. Whoa! When I read this line, I thought god, this will be an amazing poem.
But clear the country names and describe them, so we get to guess and it's less telling.
Overall: Other than countries problems you have an amazing poem, now concentrate on making us feel guilty about this. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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I think the first three lines crash a little abrubtly.
"What do you see when you close your eyes? (I like this one, somehow)
A million tiny dots?
What you had for breakfast?..."(It moves to a completely different world, and besides, I think it's "what did you have?")
Also, mentioning the countries was too obvious; it would've been all good even without them.
Oh, and the breakfast thing is actually unnecessary because the poem is about seeing, obviously. So it doesn't quite fit in. You could have also left an empty line before the new subjects.
Keep doing poetry |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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What do you see when you close your eyes?
A million tiny dots? |
That is a very compelling, captivating start. It's not one of those cheesy rhetorical questions. You immediately engage the reader (or at least for me).
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| Let me tell you what i see. |
Don't forget to capitalize the I.
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I see a thousand servants,
Rising above their masters. |
I would remove the comma (in red) and change rising to rise.
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I see a mother,
Weeping on the face of her son.
She lives in Iraq. |
Remove the comma (in red). It isn't needed. Change weeping to weep.
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I see neighbour,
Turn against neighbour.
They live in Africa. |
Remove the comma (in red). It is unnecessary.
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| This is what i see. |
This is a perfect ending. You can, and should, stop the poem right there.
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I live nowhere, on the streets.
With nothing left to do all day,
but see everyone else's problems but my own. |
This is a weak ending to a gripping poem. I would omit it because "this is what I see" is a stronger ending.
This is phenomenal. I like how it flows and you send me the moral of "there is more to life than what you see" without blatantly stating that.
Well done and *clicks gold star*
- Summer |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I only somewhat understand what people mean by shoving it down our throats. You take somewhat of an aggressive take on this, but really, it's the way I think it should be. So, therefore I claim that there is nothing at all wrong with this piece. Kudos for a job well done. |
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fallenangel1239
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:40 am Post subject: |
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I am going to have to agree with the others. This piece is to much 'telling' and not enough 'showing'. I believe that if you put some work into it and tried to show us these places rather than tell us, you could make this poem even better. I did enjoy reading it though. Good work. Keep it up.
Feel free to pm me if you decide to work on this piece. I would enjoy reading what you come up with. |
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