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PenguinAttack
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: Umbrellas and Stars |
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She is walking along the water,
making moves that look so imaginary
that you’re not sure you believe.
Clots of fluorescent lights sway with the waves,
and your world begins to rock, as she does.
There is a rush, seagulls taking flight,
as she twirls, flashing strobe colours across the sea.
Thrusting her spinning top into the air to reflect the stars,
She slips down against the swell and waits there,
hands pressed to her shut eyes,
hoping for the point to fall. |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 7:33 am Post subject: |
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Wow Pingu! I've no problem with this, it's very well written and I see no problems with it. A poem about an umbrella, such merit. Favourite part:
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Clots of fluorescent lights sway with the waves,
and your world begins to rock, as she does.
There is a rush, seagulls taking flight,
as she twirls, flashing strobe colours across the sea.
Thrusting her spinning top into the air to reflect the stars, |
You show superb imagery and I really admire the whole idea.
Overall: This earns a star  .
Good luck
VSN |
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pegasi_quill
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: Re: Umbrellas and Stars |
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| PenguinAttack wrote: |
She is walking along the water,
making moves that look so imaginary "so imaginary" sounds a bit too vague. It doesn't really tell me anything about her moves. Be specific, make sure the reader can picture exactly what you're trying to show
that you’re not sure you believe.
Clots of fluorescent lights sway with the waves,
and your world begins to rock, as she does. These two lines are nice
There is a rush, seagulls taking flight,
as she twirls, flashing strobe colours across the sea. Great imagery
Thrusting her spinning top into the air to reflect the stars,
She slips down against the swell and waits there,
hands pressed to her shut eyes,
hoping for the point to fall. Must admit, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this last line. |
In general, it was quite good, though you could work more on the beginning, and zone in on details instead of remaining vague.
Anyway, good work, I really liked the imagery you used! |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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Super cool! just the title rocks, and the poem is even more amazing! Top notch.
I agree that perhaps changing the word 'imaginery' may improve the poem even further, as it seems to stick out a little amidst all of your wonderful language and techniques.
Otherwise, this poem really conjures a wierdly serene and clamly flowing scene in my mind and i love it!
GOLD STAR.. WOooO!
Best of luck with later work, which i'm sure will be just as great! ^^ |
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Kagerou453
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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This is such a sweet poem, and I agree that the imagery is amazing. I rather like how you used "so imaginary." It leaves the exact image open to interpretation by the reader so that it can be anything, most likely innocent and childlike by context, but it brought to my mind an idea of watching someone through a dream, where you can't understand the exact movement itself, but it's something so fluid, like drifting through water as the light constantly flickers to reveal and then hide away.
Wonderful poem and great use of language. |
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Kizzi
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
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I loved this. One of those where I was so transfixed I wanted to read through it a few times to let it soak in. I really like the imagery, I love the idea actually. Great job on this, oooh and I do love the first line... and well all of it.  |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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Interesting... I don't really have much to say about this really. It's good. The imagery is nice. For some raeson though I find it sort of... awkward? I just feel like it could flow better if you worked with it a little more, you know? Sorry I'm not much help with this one. I didn't spot anything wrong grammatically or spelling-wise. I just feel it could flow a little smoother. Good luck!
~Yoyo  |
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zoeybird13024
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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Beautiful! I loved the imagery! May I ask, where did you get this idea from? It's very original. So oringinal, in fact, I'm just curious as to what inspired you. It took awhile to get a flow while reading it, however--you might want to work on that. But once I reread it, it was beautiful and flow and rhythm flowed right through it. Marvelous! Keep writing!
-x-Ashes |
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LunaBuna43
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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Amazing Pingu!
Simply amazing!
I really, truely, liked this peice!
Like Zoey, I'd really like to know where you got the idea!
~Lulu |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 10:53 am Post subject: |
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Oh, thank you all! ^^
I'm really glad you like the poem. I'll see what I can do about the issues when I can. (uni hates me) But all your comments will be taken in hand.
To Zoey and Luna;
This was originally something very different that I edited to get to this stage. It was about some very odd things to start. ^^ I couldn't tell you where the idea came from, though, because I don't know. lol.
Thank you all, once again. Much appreciated!
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: |
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Penguin dear!
This was rather good, I love the imaginary, and the way you put words together that don't seem like they make sense but somehow they do.
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| Clots of fluorescent lights sway with the waves, |
This line in particular is great. I've never thought of lights as clots, but it works somehow.
All in all I have to say this was beautiful and I really love it. |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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I love the imagery you put in. It was really vivid. The title doesn't seem so random now that I read the poem.
One thing, though.
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Clots of fluorescent lights sway with the waves,
and your world begins to rock, as she does. |
Take out the comma (in red) and the poem will be even better.
Hope this helps and I enjoyed reading your writing!
- Summerless <3~ |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| Can I just add to the crowd and say that you invovled some very nice imagery! Really! I love the title alot as well, very attention grabbing. Awesome poem too! Good work, my friend. X3 |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 9:47 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all, once again. ^^
I'm really glad you like it.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:38 am Post subject: |
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The whole poem strives on it's supberb imagery. I mean, wow. It's great. As soon as I began reading a picture formed in my head and I knew what you were trying to say.
My favourite line:
| Quote: |
There is a rush, seagulls taking flight,
as she twirls, flashing strobe colours across the sea. |
Nice!
Good job, Pingu.
Eimear |
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