Topic ID: 29677
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 2:34 pm Post subject: How To Live Forever |
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Repeatedly bitten, by a thousand
Gleaming star-strewn eyes.
And yet the sting dulls into
Oblivion, amnesia’s innocent surprise.
Life’s bad manners, who
Disregard your empathetic please.
Or a wave that’s not so big,
When it finally rolls onto its knees.
That is the silence in the darkness,
Light in the maddening crowds.
Shocks of boiling currents when Kismet
Plunges you deeper into Fate’s leaden clouds.
Who can entertain grief,
When they’re truly alive?
If one can ponder a dream,
Then why shouldn’t they dive.
Into the fire,
Out of the smoke,
Clear the haze of warnings and
Rip aside Destiny’s cloak.
And if you want to live forever,
Stop sighing, start breathing.
Heart start pumping,
Eyelids start cleaving.
Permission.
Live. |
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Suzanne
Ya bet yer boots?
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: |
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Your punctuation is a bit chaotic in places. For example:
| Quote: |
Repeatedly bitten, by a thousand
Gleaming star-strewn eyes.
And yet the sting dulls into
Oblivion, amnesia’s innocent surprise. |
This could really all be one sentence, and when it is read as two, the flow is broken.
Repeatedly bitten by a thousand
Gleaming star-strewn eyes,
And yet the sting dulls into
Oblivion, amnesia's innocent surprise.
The same thing happens with a few other stanzas so you may want to go through and consider true grammatical structure. With all the crazy punctuation, whatever flow there is has been killed.
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this poem or what to say of it, over all, because I do not understand it. I cannot tell what you are talking about or what point you are trying to make. For the most part it seems like the poem thrived on rhyme, and it does feel unnatural in place. Your words seem suffocated by the fact that you wanted to rhyme so badly, when instead your lines come off as confusing, and the rhyming all too obvious. If your rhymes are suffocating your meaning, the rhymes should be removed all together. Try writing this in free verse, considering what you want to make your reader feel or think. Your poem should leave the reader with something by the time they have finished (this is my personal definition of good poetry) and currently your rhymes are getting in the way of that.
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Into the fire,
Out of the smoke,
Clear the haze of warnings and
Rip aside Destiny’s cloak.
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In the end this is too much like "out of the frying pan and into the fire" (the rhythm and diction of it) and it relies so heavily on rhyme that, though it makes sense and I believe I understand what you are saying, the meaning is lost on me because I am so focused on how those word rhyme together, so strongly. The rhyme should stand out, it should blend into the back ground of the poem. (Read Departmental by Robert Frost, and you will see how the rhymes are noticeable, but so soft that they do not block what he is saying, and more over, what he is saying fits right into his rhymes.)
| Quote: |
And if you want to live forever,
Stop sighing, start breathing.
Heart start pumping,
Eyelids start cleaving.
Permission.
Live. |
This part didn't make much sense and I didn't entirely like it. Your use of incomplete sentences doesn't go over well, and I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to say with it, either. Cleaving eyelids? Your diction there is interesting, but for the most part eyelids do not split, they open, so at the same times, it's a rather gruesome combination. Your last two lines baffle me entirely, and I really can't say anything about them.
If you have any questions, feel free to pm me. |
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pegasi_quill
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464 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: Re: How To Live Forever |
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| Eimear wrote: |
Repeatedly bitten, by a thousand Not sure you need that comma there
Gleaming star-strewn eyes.
And yet the sting dulls into
Oblivion, amnesia’s innocent surprise. I like the rhythm of this. And yet I'd have to agree with Suzanne, about this sounding better were it one sentence.
Life’s bad manners, who which, no?
Disregard your empathetic please. Um, please? what exactly do you mean by this?
Or a wave that’s not so big,
When it finally rolls onto its knees. I like this though 
That is the silence in the darkness, The "that" at the beginnign ruins the flow somewhat
Light in the maddening crowds.
Shocks of boiling currents when Kismet
Plunges you deeper into Fate’s leaden clouds. I've a feeling it would sound better if this line was a bit shorter - too many syllables for the flow. Or maybe it's just me.
Who can entertain grief,
When they’re truly alive?
If one can ponder a dream,
Then why shouldn’t they dive. question mark?
Into the fire,
Out of the smoke,
Clear the haze of warnings and
Rip aside Destiny’s cloak. Once again, must agree with Suzanne on this.
And if you want to live forever,
Stop sighing, start breathing.
Heart start pumping,
Eyelids start cleaving.
Permission.
Live. No, I didn't like this last stanza at all. For me it doesn't fit in at all with hat you wrote before. And the rhythm, flow of it totally throws me off too. |
In general, quite good, I liked it
Some minor things I'd fix, but not bad.
I think it might look better, htough, if you didn't capitalize every line. |
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sweetcapris
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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Great imagery in here! really awesome word choice. After reading though, I wished the rhythm could have been stronger; it seemed a few lines were a little wordy. Its a good start to a great poem-- everything rests on the editing now. Just cut out what doesn't seem to add to your initial message.
don't get me wrong, I liked the poem... i just think there's a lot more potential in there!
good luck and happy editing,
s |
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Kagerou453
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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I love your imagery, "Repeatedly bitten, by a thousand / Gleaming star-strewn eyes." It immediately invites the reader into a sense of pain and resentment. Then you consistently use action and diction to keep the flow of emotions going, like seeing something from a darker perspective. Your use of personification is also amazing - it shows an all encompassing reflection, not just contemplation about one thing.
Also, you have a fantastic use of tone. The message that I got from this poem was to stop feeling self-pity and suffering for things that you have no control over, and to start living. It seems to transition from looking at the perspective of suffering, to questioning its validity and necessity, to the command to live. The feeling of Gothic macabre and its conciliation in the end is very powerful. Nice job!
I do have to admit that the way it's written is a bit confusing at times, and takes a bit of rereading to truly get the image, but I can see the poetic license since the sense of chaos adds to the maddened, macabre tone. I think that the confusion and chaotic structure - the broken sentences, the ambiguous statements, the unusual use of syntax, the lack of a set meter or rhyme scheme - adds to the piece more than it takes away.
I find the stanza "Into the fire, / Out of the smoke, / Clear the haze of / warnings and / Rip aside Destiny’s cloak." very powerful. Of course, it took some thought, but my final interpretation is a message to take the risks that come with opportunity instead of living in a dull haze, and not to simply accept what comes to you as inevitable, but to make the effort to create your own possibilities and fix your own situations. Wonderful imagery and syntax here when you describe "Destiny's cloak".
I like the last stanza. It gives a message, but still leaves the meaning open for interpretation as you wish to see it. Join life again, stop being blinded by your own needless suffering. I like the imagery in "Eyelids start cleaving." Firstly, the syntax of having Eyelids capitalized allows it to become a more prominent symbol for the screen of sadness that blinds the addressed person from the better side of life. Also, cleaving gives such a good idea of a closed mindset that's become so ingrained, that it cannot be opened again without that effort put in.
The last two lines "Permission. Live." are very good closure to the tone. You first acknowledge the problem, then address it, and finally set the readers free to take your lesson with them as you tell them that it's all right to stop suffering and start experiencing another part of life. It reminds me of the quote about people leaving footprints on your heart.
Final analysis: Very good poem =) |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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Ami, is this poem about a singer who becomes famous it's what I got. You did very well on this. For once I have no problems lmao. Mad eh? Well one stanza didn't work with theme I felt:
| Quote: |
Life’s bad manners, who
Disregard your empathetic please.
Or a wave that’s not so big,
When it finally rolls onto its knees. |
Delete this one, if I'm right. LMAO.
Overall: Great work this earns a star, with the deletion of that stanza you have a great poem about the music biz.
Good luck
VSN |
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Demeter
Wait... what???
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I actually liked this much. I was just reading it thinking, "this is very nice", and I hadn't even noticed that it rhymed, too! So that was even better, though I also like poems that don't rhyme. I liked the words "innocent surprise", it sounds beautiful.
I personally think this might be the best one by you so far! |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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Vernon, you'd be surprised to know that I hadn't a singer in mind when I wrote this poem. I was actually holding my six week old neice the other day wondering what sort of person she'd be and how life would be so cruel on her, and yet she was fast asleep.
This is the advice I wanted to give her.
Thank you so much for the critques everyone *Smiles with glee*
The Artist formerly known as Eimear. Hehe. |
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RoryLegend
Normal isn't really my style
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this it was very well written and I liked the length. Sometimes I think people write way too long poems that don't make sense to anyone besides them which is fine..just hard to read... I thought this was really good and had a good message/mood about living and how if you don't then you might as well be dead..or at least thats the vibe I got.
I really liked this stanza:
Who can entertain grief,
When they’re truly alive?
If one can ponder a dream,
Then why shouldn’t they dive.
I thought it was really powerful and had good imagery and just a really powerful message. Who can entertain grief when they're truly alive...that is such a great line...like I could see that in a movie or a song....nicely done.
If you ever need help or a review or editor...just let me know..Keep writing...
RL |
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October Girl
All the Scars Spell Out Your Name...
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:34 am Post subject: |
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| This poem was kind of confusing. But still I enjoed it, sorry theres nothing I can really say that's "helpful" |
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