Topic ID: 29647
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: The Darkness Within |
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The main character, a fifteen year old girl, goes through some bad experiences and runs away from home. She meets some peope that she befriends, and spends time with them, cooping with the guilt she feels regarding the fact that she left her brother and sister in their horrid home situation. She plans to get them back.
People start to get hurt and fatalities occur as the trouble with an organized crime gang begins. Uniwttingly she has been on their hit-list since over a year, and now that she's aware of it they consider her an increasing problem. The Hell Hounds (why, yes, they're as evil  as they sound!) are after the teen and her friends, and will go over dead bodies to get to her.
Its a long story, 14 chapters and getting larger, but this is only chapters 1-4
PLEASE REVIEW !!
PLEAAAAAAAAAAASE
haha
Thanks in advance people!
Xxx Do |
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Last edited by XxxDo on Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:46 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
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4949 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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Haha; I was going to tell you to put it here instead when I thought about critiquing it. 
I'll get to it, but bug me if I forget, 'kay?
~JFW1415 |
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 6:21 am Post subject: - |
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Hey Yea I decided it would be better off being here, in the normal forums long stories seem to put people off 
It is a lot to critique so I'll bug you in a while
Thanks again !
XxxDo |
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nichole_kram
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Joined: 20 May 2008
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:13 am Post subject: |
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| Lol, I started reading it, but it is 11 O'clock at night, so I'm tired! I'm printing it out, so that I could read it while I'm in bed. But it is super long! After reading what I have, I really do think you should look into publishing. |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
Speaker of the Forum
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Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 962
Reviews: 288
Country: USA
4949 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter One
(This is only for chapter one. I'll do more later.)
Before I Read
- Please space this out! You didn’t double-space everything, and I just spent ages fixing this. (Haha, I’m just picky. I’ll love you if you space them out from now on, though. ;P)
- Page breaks are your friend! They work better than spaces between paragraphs – I also added these.
- Please don’t kill me if I don’t finish this, or if I take forever. ;P It’s loooong!
- Hopefully this is good – I feel like ripping things to shreds. ;P
- My point count looks rather low… *Nudge nudge, wink wink* haha
After I Read
Eh, not my favorite from you, but certainly not bad. You just got a little info-dumpy at times. Actually, I jotted them down as I read. These areas got boring:
- When we learn her name
- When we learn what she did
- When we learn about the city names
- When Jason talks about his friends and homes
Also, your sentences got long in a lot of places. Separate some of them – at least look at all with four or more commas.
Hm…that’s kind of it. Not too much to critique here. I was just bored. There was nothing to hook my interest. Maybe start later? (*Gasp* I’ve never told you that before! It’s always the opposite!) Like, have Jason call out “Hey, you all right?” Then let us see where she is, and then continue? I don’t know – just hook us!
Sorry about the wait and the lack of depth. Like I said, your main problem was info-dumping and boring-ness. You get rid of that stuff and you’re golden.
PM me for anything, especially to bug me about getting chapter two critiqued.
~JFW1415 |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 07 Jun 2007
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Reviews: 288
Country: USA
4949 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 9:19 am Post subject: |
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Chapter Two
After I Read
My main problem is that you rambled so much. Any sentence over 15 words, see if you can reword. Any sentence with four or more commas, so reword. (Of course, you can throw a long one in every once in a while, but not for the whole time.)
Also, atmosphere! I have no idea where they are. (But I rambled on this during my nit-pick, so I’ll shut up.)
Finally, I’m not sure if I liked that last sentence. Maybe ditch it? Keep us guessing for a while? Let us feel her pain, but not know why. Then, when she builds the courage to tell Jason, let us feel the shock. I think that will be much stronger.
Sorry for the wait! I’ll get to chapter three eventually.
PM me for anything at all.
~JFW1415 |
_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:58 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 962
Reviews: 288
Country: USA
4949 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:07 am Post subject: |
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Chapter Three
After I Read
All I can really do is echo myself – set the atmosphere. Let me have some idea where they are, especially in the woods, and it will work much better. Use all the senses. Does it smell like wet dog? Does she hear birds chirping? Is the air humid?
Also, flesh out the characters a bit more. Right now, we have Ally, Jess, and Jason fleshed out pretty well. What about the others? Give us a first impression of them. How do they act? Do the guys hit on her? Is the other girl snobby? What? You are allowed to stick to stereo-types at this point, because it’s a first impression. When you first meet someone, you think ‘goth,’ ‘prep,’ ‘loser,’ etc, right? Same thing here. Let us see that, and then let them develop.
The story is going along pretty well though. Work on your atmosphere and be careful not to bore us with useless actions and you’ll be set. (We don’t need to know every single smile – let the other actions and dialogue speak for us.)
PM me for anything, and expect the next critique soon. Chapter four’s shorter, so it won’t take me as long.
~JFW1415 |
_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 962
Reviews: 288
Country: USA
4949 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:38 am Post subject: |
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Chapter Four
After I Read
Again, all I can do is echo myself. I want more of the atmosphere built. I want the boring, every day things ditched. I want Christy to actually be used.
Also, look at your grammar mistakes and learn the rules. Every piece I correct for you has a thousand, and you should learn them by now.
This story’s looking pretty good so far, as long as you work on ATMOSPHERE! 
PM me when you get the next bit up, ‘kay?
And PM me for anything else you need – questions, more to critique, boredom, critiques of revised versions, etc.
Good luck, and happy editing!
(Sorry I took so long!)
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:54 am Post subject: |
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Thank you JF !!!
I'm gonna work on it right away I was bored, so you've basically saved me from sitting in my room all day being bored out of my mind XD
*Donates points*
XxxDo |
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ThanatosPrinciple
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Joined: 02 Feb 2008
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Reviews: 30
Country: Hobbiton, Shire
417 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: Here we go!!! |
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I knew somewhere on this website there had to be some SERIOUS writing! I really thought that there were only the small little posts that barely contained any GOOD writing. Here's where the good stuff is!
Sorry, I haven't gotten around to critiquing it yet, but I will. I think, for starters, it would be much easier to read if it were in Times New Roman or other simple text, font size 12, along with double spacing!!! When I read it I'll give you the full critique! |
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: ;D |
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Thank you for your comments!! I'm considering posting the next few chapters, but I think I might wait until anyone shows an interest in reviewing those too. Anyone? I'll, of course, review work in return/donate points, whichever you prefer. It is a lot, I understand that, so I'll gladly do something in return to compensate your effort!
XxxDo |
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Last edited by XxxDo on Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:39 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Krupp
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456 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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I'll review your chapters if you review mine....heh. A lousy way of getting attention, trying to make a deal like that....
I'll read them. Just post 'em up when you get the chance. |
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
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Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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"I'll review yours if you review mine?" That's not what I'm doing here! I've reviewed eight (or more) pieces of work from various authors, in-depth, in the past two days without asking something in return. I went to the chatroom and asked if anyone wanted a review! Seriously, I don't appreciate it much when you call what I do a "lousy way of getting attention" when you don't even know me! I'm not looking for attention, that's not the way I am.
The story I'm talking about is long, and when I say long, I mean that it is tonnes of work to review the whole thing. The problem is, it is difficult for people to review something they haven't seen before, so they would have to start at chapter one. Hence I won't put up a story if there is no point in putting it up... People from outside this website can access the stories, and I've had someone copy work of mine before, so I won't risk putting up a story of that size unless there is a reason, such as a pending review. As I said, I will compensate for their effort, but that doesn't mean I won't review work unless they do something for me!
Okay. I'm done with my rant. Sorry bout that but that comment got to me.
XxxDo |
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Krupp
Senior Writer
Gender:
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Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 210
Reviews: 72
Country: Where Clinton and Obama won't bother me.
456 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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| XxxDo wrote: |
"I'll review yours if you review mine?" That's not what I'm doing here! I've reviewed eight (or more) pieces of work from various authors, in-depth, in the past two days without asking something in return. I went to the chatroom and asked if anyone wanted a review! Seriously, I don't appreciate it much when you call what I do a "lousy way of getting attention" when you don't even know me! I'm not looking for attention, that's not the way I am.
The story I'm talking about is long, and when I say long, I mean that it is tonnes of work to review the whole thing. The problem is, it is difficult for people to review something they haven't seen before, so they would have to start at chapter one. Hence I won't put up a story if there is no point in putting it up... People from outside this website can access the stories, and I've had someone copy work of mine before, so I won't risk putting up a story of that size unless there is a reason, such as a pending review. As I said, I will compensate for their effort, but that doesn't mean I won't review work unless they do something for me!
Okay. I'm done with my rant. Sorry bout that but that comment got to me.
XxxDo |
actually, that comment was directed towards myself, not you...so you don't need to get angry. It was just a joke.
but I suppose people have gotten tired of me on this site, so i'm thinking my time here on YWS is slowly coming to a close...I didn't ask for you to blow up on me. I'm going to review your book/story regardless of whether you read mine or not. Relax.
I'm not some prick who's been constantly selfish and wanting all the attention on me...I've never asked anyone to read my stuff, let alone critique it. So don't go thinking that just because maybe you get on here more than I do, and read more and critique more than me that you're better than me or think I don't know what it means to . I don't appreciate your comments either, kid. I don't go looking for attention. That's not what I wanted in saying that.
with that said, post it on up, I'll read it whenever I get the chance. |
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XxxDo
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 66
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
1419 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: Heya |
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Sorry! Then I completely misinterpreted your comment!
Don't leave the YWS!
XxxDo |
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