bess-bess
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 12 Aug 2007
Posts: 13
Reviews: 6
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 10:28 am Post subject: Home |
 |
|
HOME
http://pc.celtx.com/project/X5Ki1LNnfoz0
Isabel and Sam could not be more different and the lives that they lead would never normally cross over. They are both, however, searching – searching for that one thing that they want more than anything else in the world – to love life once again.
Although, through their meeting they both learn that before you can love yourself and your life you first have to love all that is around you.
This is a telemovie script and it is an external link so I hope that it is okay to post here. I am really looking for reviews or advice on it, seeing as I am wanting to send it off or at least get it good enough to even consider doing anything else with it.
Please read and review. (Even if it is only for a few pages)
Constructive criticism is most welcomed.
Thanks so much,
~bess
**I'm sorry if this is not where this is supposed to be posted, let me know and I'll be happy to move it to the appropriate location. |
|
|
SASSYLADY333
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 153
Reviews: 114
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Okay first advice is to copy and paste part of your script here so we can read it, I don't many people want to follow the link.
So I'll put a portion of your work here and give you an opinion.  !
"EXT. ROAD IN COUNTRYSIDE - EARLY MORNING
The sun rises - creating shadows over the vast hilly countryside but at the same time bringing life to a new day.
A car drives along the road - leaving a tall, slow dust trail behind it.
MICHELLE, age 47, is driving.
ISABEL, age 22, is asleep in the backseat. Her head resting on the back of the seat, by the window.
Michelle looks out across a field to the 'ISABEL'S HOUSE'.
MICHELLE
Isabel? Izzy.
Isabel slowly wakes up.
She sees the farm house where she will be staying, a look of awe appears on her face.
MICHELLE
There it is. Your home for the next five months.
Isabel sits up properly in her seat - still looking at the farm.
ISABEL
It's beautiful.
The car continues along the road.
Focus on the farm, across the paddock surrounded by trees.
INSERT TITLE (on picture): HOME
cut to.
ext. Isabel's house - morning
The car pulls up in the driveway, in front of the house.
Michelle gets out of the car.
Isabel then gets out, standing next to the car for a moment.
She looks around with a huge smile on her face.
Isabel then turns around and closes her car door.
cut to.
ext. front of ISABEL'S HOUSE
Michelle waits at the front door, holding one of Isabel's bags.
Isabel slowly walks to the door, holding the other bag.
ISABEL
Isn't this place just amazing mum?
MICHELLE
It is quite something, isn't it?
Isabel spins around and sniffs the air.
She breaths in and out deeply.
ISABEL
It just smells so... so clean - unlike the city. And look, there isn't another house in sight. Have you ever seen anything so beautiful?
MICHELLE
It is something else.
MICHELLE
(worried)
That's for sure.
ISABEL
Mum, nothing's going to happen to me - I'll be fine.
Pause.
ISABEL
I'm a big girl now -
Pause.
ISABEL
- let me go.
MICHELLE
Yes I know. But that doesn't make me any happier about you being out here - now that we have arrived. Just you being out here - on your own.
ISABEL
I am going to be fine - trust me.
MICHELLE
Well I-
ISABEL
You have to trust me on this one, I can do it.
Slowly Michelle smiles.
MICHELLE
Okay, okay then. Do you need any help unpacking?
ISABEL
No, I think I can manage.
Isabel hugs Michelle.
Holding back tears Michelle kisses Isabel on the cheek then walks back to the car.
MICHELLE
Okay, well - take care of yourself Izzy.
ISABEL
I will - I love you.
Michelle stands beside the car's open door.
MICHELLE
I love you too. Stay safe.
ISABEL
Yep. For sure.
Michelle gets in and starts the car.
The car backs out of the driveway.
Before driving off Michelle waves goodbye to Isabel.
Isabel waves as the car drives off.
Once the car is gone Isabel sighs deeply then walks back to the front door of the house.
cut to.
Isabel pushes the key into the door - she turns the key and the door opens.
INT. ISABEL'S HOUSE
Isabel steps through the doorway - leaving the key inside the lock.
She walks down the hall and looks into all the rooms.
Isabel looks around the kitchen (seeing Frederick in the fish bowl), lounge room, study and bathroom before entering the bedroom.
She runs her hand along the decorative doona already on the bed.
Isabel jumps onto the double bed and lies down - gazing up at the ceiling.
Breathing deeply and smiling Isabel closes her eyes.
fade out."
I didn't get much, sorry! But so far I can make suggestions. I think it best you put parentheses for dialong. Even though I don't know the formatt for screen play's. You may want to check into that if you haven't already.
And you need more detail in describing your settings. As well as what the characters are doing.
(My sister has just distracted me!) I think that should help but if not I'll continue later. |
_________________
"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. |
|
lozzen
Novice
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
53 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i agree with the point Sassylady333 made about posting a section of your script on here, i don't know how many people would bother following a link etc. but from what i read i can clearly picture what is happening in the scene and think that your writing is really easy to fit together (if that makes any sense).
I do however stress that for me, i tell alot about a persons character by just the first scene and from what i read (the bit which Sassylady333 copy and pasted) it isn't very clear. I can't say much however because i have only read a small portion and as it continues i expect it will get clearer. But seriously overall very good and i hope to see it played out sometime! Good luck! |
|
|
