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ShadowQueen92
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 Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: Broken |
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Broken
I thought you loved me and I loved you
but it was all untrue
I found out you cheated with my best friend
You said the affair would end
You Lied to me, I saw you and her the next day
You guys were kissing in the hallway
I fell to my knees and started to cry
why do I put up with you, when you lie
I'm sitting here crying on the floor
You say I don't want to see you anymore
The tears come faster down my cheeks
You have all your stuff packed for the next few weeks
I look up at you, my eyes puffy, red, and my cheeks still wet with one last tear
You say to me I'm sorry I cheated, but I'm not sorry I'm leaving you Here
As I cry you walk right out the door
You leave my stomped on broken heart on the floor
I feel hurt and broken apart
I loved you and gave you my heart
I don't know If I can stand to love again....I really don't
Maybe I will or maybe.....I won't |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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334 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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good poem. nothing too deep, really just an expression of strong feelings, which is fine of course. i wasn't blown away, but this really was good. it would have been a bit better, structurally, if you had made the lines closer in number of syllables. overall, the flow was okay.
looking forward to more! |
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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: Re: Broken |
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| ShadowQueen92 wrote: |
Broken
I thought you loved me and I loved you Bad way to start it off, I'm already bored
but it was all untrueOh dear, a boring rhyming scheme. Rhyming should not be forced my dear, if a poem has a rhyme scheme then at least use interesting words.
I found out you cheated with my best friend Very blunt, again interesting word use would really make this better.
You said the affair would end
You Lied to me, I saw you and her the next day
You guys were kissing in the hallway
I fell to my knees and started to cry
why do I put up with you, when you lie
I'm sitting here crying on the floor
You say I don't want to see you anymore
The tears come faster down my cheeks
You have all your stuff packed for the next few weeks
I look up at you, my eyes puffy, red, and my cheeks still wet with one last tear
You say to me I'm sorry I cheated, but I'm not sorry I'm leaving you Here
As I cry you walk right out the door
You leave my stomped on broken heart on the floor This is not worded well, I had to read it three or four times for it to make sense
I feel hurt and broken apart
I loved you and gave you my heart
I don't know If I can stand to love again....I really don't
Maybe I will or maybe.....I won't |
Basically you have an old idea here and you put little to none of your own spin on it. I have read probably close to 100 break-up poems that are just like this, the story goes, you cheated, you lied, you hurt me. Ok that's great, I as a reader don't really care. Give me a reason too! Tell me something interesting in an interesting way!
The word choice is fairly bland, the basic idea to the poem is way over done. Try reading some poetry, if you like poems that rhyme I recommend Emily Dickinson. She has rhymes in her poems but the use of words is so interesting you hardly notice.
Good Luck
OverEasy |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked this. The space between every line was kind of unnesecary, though. Also, Lied doesn't need to be capitalized. Punctuation, please! |
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soconfused4512
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't care what anyone said I LOVED IT it has ALOT of emotion i can relate to this poem basically discribes me |
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coryab222
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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Eh... I can feel the emotion, but the structure of the poem made it rather unenjoyable to read.
I prefer poems with proper stanzas and phrasing. There was virtually no rhythm.
The point of the poem is fine. The format it has been written in is not so great.
I would consider making it sound like it flows better and be descriptive of the emotion and exactly what it is you want to say. |
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EliteHusky
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: A Solid Light Poem |
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Good work on this poem. Despite the formatting, which varies from person to person and reflects their personal taste as well as the overall atmosphere associated with the work, I found this poem very solid. It rhymed very well and
mirrored the emotions grown with every relationship. It did seem "blunt" and upfront in a "here it is, I don't care what you think about it, just read it and have your opinion" respectively but in this particular situation when someone reads your poem for the first time, it made it full of raw yet light descriptions which is familiar to the public and more importantly the reader his/herself. However the overall tone was not too depressing as it resembled a rainy day with possible chances for a break of sunlight or happiness. Consequently the reader was taken on a roller coaster ride which witnessed the end of a relationship. It like any other piece has room for improvement but for a quick first read this piece unlike it's name appeared "full".
Sincerely,
-Elitehusky |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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| You say I don't want to see you anymore |
That should have quotations over the dialogue so it should be something like...
| Quote: |
| You say, "I don't want to see you anymore." |
I think more punctuation would make this better.
The ending is nice, though. :]
Hope this helps--
- Summer |
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YoungWalter
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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Hi there,
Although I admire the obvious passion behind your content, i find fault in the loose rhythm. I feel you could combat this by correlating your syllables, for example your lines in syllables currently go as such, 9,6,10,7,12,9,10; it may be better to fix a more controlled structure such as 8,6,8,6,8,6.
When trying to convey something of such emotion i also feel that having a piece entirely consisting of rhyming couplets, "You... Untrue", "Friend... End", makes the piece seem too casual and slightly forced, distracting from the meaning of the poem. Simple yet subtle rhyme schemes such as ABAB could perhaps be more effective, "You, End, Untrue, Friend" and if you're keen on couplets you could end on one as they give a sense of closure.
What ever I say is only an opinion so i'm happy to admit i could be wrong but to me these simple adjustments would give the structure and rhythm the maturity that your words deserve.
Walter
(You leave my stomped on broken heart on the floor) - reword
perhaps (you leave my stomped on heart, broken on the floor) |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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Alright lets take a little look at this...Firstly I'm going to tell it to you straight. I liked it. Had you worried there, didnt I?
Hehe, the descriptions are great, and the detached yet angry tone make me feel your pain. The only line I didnt like was
| Quote: |
| I fell to my knees and started to cry |
(Just a tad over dramatic for my taste- alarm bells should be ringing at this point going "Steer clear from emo poetry!", but hey, that's just me)
The rest was great, the tempo and rhyming scheme were spot-on.
Killer last two lines, nice job
| Quote: |
I don't know If I can stand to love again....I really don't
Maybe I will or maybe.....I won't |
PM me when you write more,
Eimear |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: Re: Broken |
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| ShadowQueen92 wrote: |
Broken
I thought you loved me and I loved you
but it was all untrue
I found out you cheated with my best friend
You said the affair would end
You Lied to me, I saw you and her the next day
You guys were kissing in the hallway
I fell to my knees and started to cry
why do I put up with you, when you lie
I'm sitting here crying on the floor
You say I don't want to see you anymore
The tears come faster down my cheeks
You have all your stuff packed for the next few weeks
I look up at you, my eyes puffy, red, and my cheeks still wet with one last tear
You say to me I'm sorry I cheated, but I'm not sorry I'm leaving you Here
As I cry you walk right out the door
You leave my stomped on broken heart on the floor
I feel hurt and broken apart
I loved you and gave you my heart
I don't know If I can stand to love again....I really don't
Maybe I will or maybe.....I won't |
Now this isn't poetry, worse it's not even original: 'He cheated, you're hurt, he still carries on, you wanna die.' Yeh emo-much. This is cliche and contrive ideas stuck together or split up. They're just sentences which go 'woe is me'. We couldn't care less. Yes, it's harsh but you give us no reason to care. What makes you different to five hundred other teen girls? Poetry is all about giving feeling, rather than do that, you bore us. The lines are cliche ridden.
If you're gonna use this idea be original, don't navelgaze and don't make it all 'poor me' or emo.
Overall: If you really wanna get better try reading poetry by the greats and see how they show the emotion, because rather than tell us a story which we could see on any drama, you instead show it. That way it'll have some originality. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman
via FoxyTunes |
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