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Suzanne
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 Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: Sewn Shut |
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removed - submitted to scholarship contest |
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Last edited by Suzanne on Thu May 01, 2008 1:43 am; edited 6 times in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Suz! I went and printed this out, edited it and wrote some comments. It was fantastic!
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The Holocaust started with one man and ended with ten million dead. Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Russians, Poles; [I would change the ';' to 'were' and delete the 'all'] all killed because one man decided they were not worthy of life, because they were not as he wanted them to be, and because they weren’t the perfect race. |
I really liked your opening sentence! 
| Quote: |
Death is always horrible, but the worst kind of death came to the victims of the holocaust. They died starving. They died because they didn’t want to see their children slaughtered—or because they saw their children slaughtered. They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God. The disgusting way that murder was made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game, is harder to believe than the deaths. |
(Sorry for large quote) Capitalize all of the Holocaust!!! Really like this sentence!
| Quote: |
Death was not immediate, either. For many, death was life. They died only after months of abuse from the schutstaffel or the Nazi “doctors”. Prisoners in the work camps were chained together, and for entertainment, the SS would set dogs on them and watch the helpless prisoners fight the dogs. The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children, in the hopes to improve his knowledge of the human body. Many of these experiments had no medical basis what so ever and were only to feed his sadistic hunger. Two children, only the age of four, had been sewn together to form a man-made pare of Siamese twins. They were attached at the back and at the wrists—their veins were stitched together with precision. They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine, and end their torture. (Anatomy of the Auschwitz Death Camp) |
Repetition of dogs; pare = pair. Whatsoever is one word.  That's terribly sad about the children... why would a horrible person do that? That's just... so evil!
The next paragraph has two 'holocaust's when they should be two 'Holocausts"  Same thing with the next paragraph. Two 'holocausts' need to be changed!
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| How can we pay respect to those who have died if we cannot open our eyes to those who are dying? |
Good job. To make this even more... uh... to give it more umph! I would italicize the word 'are'.
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Instead, we have closed ourselves in an American Bubble bubbles of ignorance. In an age of instant access to everything and anything through the internet Internet, we do not see it as a tool to help and stay aware, but instead to socialize and continue our ignorance |
Great job, Suz!
Things I liked:
- Opposite sentences. (They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God.)
- Your strong voice.
- The conclusion was fantastic!
Things you need to work on:
- Repetition
- Fragmented sentences. Although they are the way we verbally speak, we don't write like that.
- All of the errors I caught.
- Capitalize all of the Holocausts in the paper!!!!!
Awesome. So, if I were to grade this out of 50 points I would give it a:
47/50.
-Jared
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Cade
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Dude, I totally know which contest you're talking about! I hopes you win, Suz. I mean...I hate you? 
(Something quick I noticed about the whole essay: Shouldn't you capitalize the h in Holocaust? The uncapped term can refer to any holocaust, but I believe we are referring to 1940's Germany...shouldn't it be capped then?)
It is positively superb that you begin with that quote. It is fantastic.
| Quote: |
| The Holocaust started with one man and ended with ten million dead. Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Russians, Poles; all killed because one man decided they were not worthy of life, because they were not as he wanted them to be, because they weren’t the perfect race. |
I'm not even sure you need this first sentence. The "one man" to "ten million" is sort of interesting, but the way you phrased the sentence is unimpressive. As for the second sentence, it's background info that's common knowledge to anyone educated in the United States...why reiterate?
| Quote: |
| Death is always horrible, but the worst kind of death came to the victims of the holocaust. They died starving. They died because they didn’t want to see their children slaughtered—or because they saw their children slaughtered. They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God. The disgusting way that murder was made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game, is harder to believe than the deaths. |
This paragraph is stronger, and I'd rather see you begin with it. Excellent use of repetition with "They died....They died...." It reinforces your point and the sound and the feel of the essay is better for it. Especially in the sentence about the children.
My only concern, really, is for the first sentence, especially if you start the essay with this paragraph. "Death is always horrible" seems awkward as a beginning, the pick-up after a breath; besides, it's a blanket statement. Even though that point isn't central to your essay, the statement strikes me as unsophisticated because it sounds like a little kid saying "Candy is always delicious"--we know that the child is ignorant, and we know that some candy is probably gross. I'd make an argument that death is not always horrible.
So yeah, I'm going off on a tangent, but the point is that the sentence is 1) awkwardly phrased and 2) questionable in its accuracy.
I might even cut that first part and say:
The worst kind of death came to the victims of the Holocaust.
As a beginning sentence, I feel it's strong and leads right into your bit about the dying and the unhappiness.
| Quote: |
| Death was not immediate, either. For many, death was life. They died only after months of abuse from the schutstaffel or the Nazi “doctors”. Prisoners in the work camps were chained together, and for entertainment, the SS would set dogs on them and watch the helpless prisoners fight the dogs. The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children, in the hopes to improve his knowledge of the human body. Many of these experiments had no medical basis what so ever and were only to feed his sadistic hunger. Two children, only the age of four, had been sewn together to form a man-made pare of Siamese twins. They were attached at the back and at the wrists—their veins were stitched together with precision. They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine, and end their torture. (Anatomy of the Auschwitz Death Camp) |
What's with the part in parenthesis at the end? Also, I would cut "either" out of the first sentence. Should 'schutstaffel' be capitalized? And "whatsoever" is one word.
I wonder if all this background information is really necessary to the central point of your essay? It certainly sets the scene, but shouldn't the essay focus on the modern consequences and the modern importance of the Holocaust?
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If man forgets what made him suffer, will this mother ever forget the sound of her children’s screams? Can any mother erase the image of her baby being murdered just because it was born? For the victims of the holocaust, forgetting the horrors they experienced may be the only way they can find peace, but for our generation and future generations, the holocaust must be remembered.
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This is very good; the way you carried over the story about the mother into your main point was skillful.
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| Elie Wiesel said, “…if we forget [the holocaust], we are accomplices.” We must remember the holocaust not only because of the many who died, but because it can happen again, and more over, it is still happening. Children and adults alike find themselves asking the same question that the victims did when they were behind those barbed wire fences: “How can the world be so silent to so much death?” And yet, when we are shown those who are dying even today, we stay silent. We are moved to tears by pictures of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn our televisions off when American Idol has ended, and the news has come on. How can we pay respect to those who have died if we cannot open our eyes to those who are dying? |
Good use of the Elie Wiesel quote...is the "[the holocaust]" necessary? I think we know what the whole bit is about, so can't you leave it without the explanatory addition? If you choose to keep it, definitely take "the Holocaust" out of the next sentence.
The sentence with "American Idol" could easily go; I think it's too much the cynical attack on American materialistic society, blah blah iPods and American Idol. It's distracting. You might just say:
We are moved to tears by images of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn off our televisions when the news comes on.
Fantastic last sentence in that paragraph.
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| We are used to thinking that genocide happened in the past, and will only happen in the past. In our society, the idea that thousands of people could be killed on the basis of race or religion seems impossible, and yet it happens. In Darfur, death is so wide spread that the number of victims ranges anywhere from 60,000 to 400,000. Every day Arab militias attack non-Arab villages in the Sudan area, slaughtering men and raping women. Those who flee to neighboring Chad escape some of the torture, but are met with starvation instead. |
The comparison to Darfur seems an obvious one to draw, but you've done it well. Note: "widespread" is one word.
"and that it will only happen in the past"--this makes it seem like the past is still active and it's strange to examine. Why not something along the lines of "and that it will remain in the past."
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| What may be the worst aspect of Darfur is that it truly isn’t the first time death like this has occurred. In 1994, the civil war between the Tutsis and the Hutu to the death of 800,000 during what is now known is the Rwanda genocide and, of course, the death of the Jews and many others during Hitler’s Holocaust. It is not that we have forgotten what happened during the Holocaust or those who have died. Instead, we have closed ourselves in an American Bubble of ignorance. In an age of instant access to everything and anything through the internet, we do not see it as a tool to help and stay aware, but instead to socialize and continue our ignorance. If we watch the news at all, we look forward to headlines about Paris Hilton or a lawsuit over missing pants. Efforts have been made to bring awareness to the public with such things as the Darfur is Dying web based video game. |
Awkward first sentence...the worst aspect of Darfur? I'd rephrase something like "the worst aspect of the Darfur crisis." But I think I mostly dislike the word "aspect"--it's so vague.
I believe it is Rwandan with-an-n-at-the-end genocide?
Again, the references to the internet and to Paris Hilton echo the Americans-suck-because-they're-materialistic-and-blah are distracting and tired.
Careful of passive voice! Nix "efforts have been made".
| Quote: |
| If the holocaust is a testament to mankind’s truculent abilities, is it not time that we show how kind we can be? Even behind those barbed wire fences, curled up on a wooden bed with no warmth, a prisoner could find the kindness in his heart to share his bread ration with another prisoner. Though the prisoner may die the next day, though it would be a waste to feed a dying soul, he would share his bread. If a concentration camp victim has the generosity to share his small amount of daily food, then how can we not even manage to hear the dying ask us for help? |
Good use of rhetorical questions, and I like the way the bread sentence flows.
Rephrase the last sentence:
If a victim of a concentration camp has the generosity to share his small portion, then how can we--who have so much more than a single piece of bread--not even manage to hear the dying ask us for help?
| Quote: |
| All we need to do is take out our headphones and listen. To help millions of dying doesn’t take a large gesture. All we need to do is be aware and let our government know that we object to the genocide. We cannot let the world stay silent to death any longer. We must, in fact, we are obligated to speak out and let our voices ring with the victims of genocide all across the world. There is no better way to remember the Holocaust than through preventing the murder of victims of hate. |
Bah, again with the yucky-culture references. Actually, I don't much care for this last paragraph at all. I liked the way the other one ended...a lot of your points here can be inferred from the rest of the essay and this part seems rather redundant.
Overall, it's very good! You did a fine job of pulling it all together throughout the essay. It was insightful and, 'cept for a few small parts, very sophisticated. And I wish you luck in the contest!
-Colly
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Summerless
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:43 am Post subject: |
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Wow. Extremely informative and a little haunting (about Joseph Mengele and other examples included). I can tell you did a lot of research, and if you didn't it sounds like you did.
I like how you started your introduction and how you ended your conclusion. The thesis sentence was constantly brought up, which is good, so the reader will not forget what you are trying to say.
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| Death is always horrible, but the worst kind of death came to the victims of the Holocaust. |
A few little mistakes, though. I'm not sure if I am right about this but the holocaust should always be capitalized to the Holocaust. It is like saying the Revolutionary War or the Quaternary Period.
| Quote: |
| The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children, in the hopes to improve his knowledge of the human body. |
Also, in the excerpt of your essay quoted above, I think you should rephrase the second half of the sentence. The comma seems out of place, so it should be omitted, and "in the hopes" doesn't sound... Right (for lack of a better word).
I think
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| The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children with the hopes to improve his knowledge of the human body. |
sounds a little bit better. I omitted the comma and changed "in the hopes" to the the words in red.
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| Many of these experiments had no medical basis what so ever and were only to feed his sadistic hunger. |
"What so ever" should be condensed into one word: whatsoever.
Overall your essay is very informative and persuasive.
Best of luck and hope this helps,
Summerless
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Kizzi
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: Re: Open Our Eyes |
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| Suzanne wrote: |
“Man loses in a moment the memory of the things that have made him suffer.” - Adolf Hitler (Hitler’s Table Talk 1941-1944)
The Holocaust started with one man and ended with ten million dead. Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Russians, Poles; all killed because one man decided they were not worthy of life, because they were not as he wanted them to be, because they weren’t the perfect race. |
So through most of this beginning I love the repetition but in the first sentence you repeat "one man", so I don't know to make it a bit smoother you could say something like "All killed because one vicious dictator decided they..."
And then in regards to facts you say ten million, but every number I've ever heard as a total estimate of those killed in the Holocaust is eleven million. I think one year at the Holocaust Remembrance project they even lit eleven candles at the closing banquet.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Death is always horrible, but the worst kind of death came to the victims of the holocaust. They died starving. They died because they didn’t want to see their children slaughtered—or because they saw their children slaughtered. They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God. The disgusting way that murder was made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game, is harder to believe than the deaths. |
I loved this paragraph, wow it's really really good.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Death was not immediate, either. For many, death was life. They died only after months of abuse from the schutstaffel or the Nazi “doctors”. Prisoners in the work camps were chained together, and for entertainment, the SS would set dogs on them and watch the helpless prisoners fight the dogs. |
So I like the idea you start with "Death was not immediate, either. For many, death was life." However after those two sentences I was slightly confused by some of the wording. So here goes my best edit on it "Some died after months of abuse from the schutstaffel or the Nazi "doctors". In the work camps prisoners were chained together, and for entertainment the SS would sick dogs and watch the helpless prisoners fight them off." I think you just need to flip some of the sentences around to make it a little less awkward. I might even add simply that surviving in the work camps was a living hell everyday for the prisoners... just an idea.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children, in the hopes to improve his knowledge of the human body. |
Here instead of saying "in the hopes" you could say "with hopes" or simply "In hopes" Taking out the will give you one more word on the word count
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Many of these experiments had no medical basis what so ever and were only to feed his sadistic hunger. |
You could shorten this to something like "Many of these experiments had no medical basis, simply there to feed his sadistic hunger." I guess that didn't really shorten it but for some reason "And were only to feed his sadistic hunger" felt awkward to me but that's my best solution for smoothing it.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Two children, only the age of four, had been sewn together to form a man-made pare of Siamese twins. They were attached at the back and at the wrists—their veins were stitched together with precision. They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine, and end their torture. (Anatomy of the Auschwitz Death Camp) |
Here I like the story, and the paragraph which follows. A few tweaks, you use "Pare" shouldn't it be "pair" ?? And then in the sentence "their veins were stitched together with precision" I think you could take out the were because you've already used it in that sentence, and again it'll give you another word to use somewhere else maybe.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| If man forgets what made him suffer, will this mother ever forget the sound of her children’s screams? Can any mother erase the image of her baby being murdered just because it was born? For the victims of the holocaust, forgetting the horrors they experienced may be the only way they can find peace, but for our generation and future generations, the holocaust must be remembered. |
Ahh but does man ever forget what made him suffer? How can a Holocaust forget the horrors that killed his family? The hell they suffered. I don't think any person could forget that. I like this paragraph mostly, but I'm not sure you should say "For the victims of the Holocaust, forgetting the horrors they experienced may be the only way they can find peace" I kind of think the opposite. I think they don't like revisiting their past but it consumed their lives, and knowing that they can share their stories with the future gives them not only peace but hope. One of the survivors told us that "Knowing there are people like you to carry on the story makes me realize I never have to worry about the future."
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Elie Wiesel said, “…if we forget [the holocaust], we are accomplices.” We must remember the holocaust not only because of the many who died, but because it can happen again, and more over, it is still happening. Children and adults alike find themselves asking the same question that the victims did when they were behind those barbed wire fences: “How can the world be so silent to so much death?” And yet, when we are shown those who are dying even today, we stay silent. We are moved to tears by pictures of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn our televisions off when American Idol has ended, and the news has come on. How can we pay respect to those who have died if we cannot open our eyes to those who are dying? |
In the sentence "How can the world be so silent to so much death?" Take out one of the so's, haha. "How can the world be so silent when there's so much death?" Something like that maybe? My other question here is you say we... who is we? Define we. I actually like the modern reference because the topic asks about future generations... who watch so much reality tv but never read or watch the news.
| Suzanne wrote: |
We are used to thinking that genocide happened in the past, and will only happen in the past. In our society, the idea that thousands of people could be killed on the basis of race or religion seems impossible, and yet it happens. In Darfur, death is so wide spread that the number of victims ranges anywhere from 60,000 to 400,000. Every day Arab militias attack non-Arab villages in the Sudan area, slaughtering men and raping women. Those who flee to neighboring Chad escape some of the torture, but are met with starvation instead.
What may be the worst aspect of Darfur is that it truly isn’t the first time death like this has occurred. In 1994, the civil war between the Tutsis and the Hutu to the death of 800,000 during what is now known is the Rwanda genocide and, of course, the death of the Jews and many others during Hitler’s Holocaust. It is not that we have forgotten what happened during the Holocaust or those who have died. Instead, we have closed ourselves in an American Bubble of ignorance. In an age of instant access to everything and anything through the internet, we do not see it as a tool to help and stay aware, but instead to socialize and continue our ignorance. If we watch the news at all, we look forward to headlines about Paris Hilton or a lawsuit over missing pants. Efforts have been made to bring awareness to the public with such things as the Darfur is Dying web based video game. |
Hmm but is it just an American Bubble of ignorance... I think it extends to the world. Americans aren't the only ones who aren't doing anything in Darfur.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| If the holocaust is a testament to mankind’s truculent abilities, is it not time that we show how kind we can be? Even behind those barbed wire fences, curled up on a wooden bed with no warmth, a prisoner could find the kindness in his heart to share his bread ration with another prisoner. Though the prisoner may die the next day, though it would be a waste to feed a dying soul, he would share his bread. If a concentration camp victim has the generosity to share his small amount of daily food, then how can we not even manage to hear the dying ask us for help? |
I've done a lot of Holocaust research, and every eye witness accounts I've ever seen in regards to food was that people would kill one another for it. There were cases where siblings didn't share with one another. I was thinking that if you have specific story in mind her then quote it, and cite it. But I just keep having this image (I can't remember if it's from Night by Elie Weisel or not) of a man crawling toward a bowl of soup, willing to be killed for a morsel of food, and being shot in the end. Haha, the point I'm trying to make is that I think this is a good idea and it works in the essay but is it necessarily true?
| Suzanne wrote: |
| All we need to do is take out our headphones and listen. To help millions of dying doesn’t take a large gesture. All we need to do is be aware and let our government know that we object to the genocide. We cannot let the world stay silent to death any longer. We must, in fact, we are obligated to speak out and let our voices ring with the victims of genocide all across the world. There is no better way to remember the Holocaust than through preventing the murder of victims of hate. |
Overall I think this is really awesome! It's got some good stuff and I hope my edit helps!! One thing I'd have to say is maybe see if you could make the conclusion or any part of it more personal. A lot of the top ten winners have personal experiences in their essays. Don't be afraid to use I. Why did you want to write this essay? Why does it matter to you? As a teen what can you do with the knowledge of the Holocaust.
I hope this edit helps!!!
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Suzanne
Ya bet yer boots?
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all so much for the edits! It helped more than any of you will ever know--or perhaps you will! I am so much more proud of this version of the paper, I'm ashamed I gave my lit teacher the previous one! (What will he think if I come to him tomorrow with a completely new draft??)
I would say more, but I am beyond tired now! All I have to say: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Especially to Kizzi!
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Suz! Just for you, I'm gonna nit-pick to the bone.
| Quote: |
| They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine, [no comma] and end their torture. |
A subject and verb must be on either side of the contraction and to have a comma before it.
| Quote: |
| We are moved to tears by pictures of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn our televisions off when American Idol has ended, [no comma] and the news has come on. |
Underlined: I'm thinking or will work here, seeing as not everyone watches both American Idol and the news, but either will be fine. ^^
| Quote: |
| We must remember the Holocaust not only because of those who were murdered, [no comma] but because it can happen again, and more over, it continues to happen in other parts of the world, most notably today, [no comma] in the Darfur region of Sudan. |
For the last part, you specifically mention Darfur so no comma should be there; however, if you said for instance or some such transition, a dash or other side punctuation may work.
| Quote: |
| Survivors of the raids walk hundreds of miles to neighboring Chad, often without their families because they were lost in the attack, [no comma] or without limbs because of landmines scattered across the land. |
I think land mines is two words.
| Quote: |
| Those who endure the journey are met with the devastating draught plaguing Chad, [no comma] and are left with no hope at all to live. |
Is it not drought? Draught, anyway, doesn't look right.
| Quote: |
| In an age of instant access to anything and everything through the Internet, we do not see it as a tool to help and stay aware, [no comma] but instead to continue our ignorance. Some, however, manage to bring awareness to internet browsers in ways that make many question ethics. |
It's all up to you, but I think a semi-colon would be pretty cool. 
| Quote: |
| For example, in the web-based video game, Darfur is Dying, players pose as a camp refugee hiding from Janjaweed militias while trying to find water for their family. |
Maybe italicize the title of the video game?
| Quote: |
While for many the internet has opened up a vast network for socializing,
the players of Darfur is Dying come as close as anyone can to experiencing the genocide, while millions of miles from it. |
Repetition of while! ^_^
| Quote: |
| Merely looking into a computer screen makes the death seem unreal, [no comma] like the pictures of holocaust victims in a text book. |
| Quote: |
| At the risk of their own death, doctors and nurses working in concentration camp hospitals smuggled in unavailable medical drugs, [no comma] and could sometimes smuggle prisoners out under the subterfuge that they had died. |
I was doing fine until I reached this last underlined phrase. That the doctors and nurses died? They died the.. subterfuge? oO
| Quote: |
| If, [no comma] in a place where death is more common than birth, men and women risk their lives for one another, how can we—without the threat of death—ignore the men, women, and children in need? |
I think your style kind of flips around in here. You use commas for the first part, but then dashes are thrown in place within the second part. You could get rid of the comma I suggested, but maybe dashes would work better for that phrase? If -- in a place where death is more common than birth -- men and women risk their lives for one another, how can we -- without the threat of death -- ignore the men, women, and children in need?
| Quote: |
| Silence is worse than killing; silence is the acceptance of another human being's unjustified slaughter. |
| Quote: |
| Our eyes must open to the numerous dead bodies, and our ears must hear the cries of the starving children! |
Underlined[/i]: Shall we keep it consistent? ^_^
| Quote: |
If we cannot help those who need it now more than ever now, how can we continue to cry for the victims of the Holocaust? |
| Quote: |
| We must break through the screen to reach out to the refugee, the orphan, the hopeless--in real life, not virtual reality. |
Your dash screwed up here.  *attempts to be helpful*
| Quote: |
| We must apply these atrocities to our own lives. We must break through the screen to reach out to the refugee, the orphan, the hopeless--in real life, not virtual reality. We must speak out for what we believe is right. |
Great repetition of We must.
| Quote: |
| Until we realize that the best way to remember the Holocaust is to prevent it from happening again, our lips, like the veins of Mengele's patients, are[u] sewn shut. |
Great ending!
Holocaust/holocaust
Someone mentioned capitalizing all of the holocausts in the paper, but I've heard that only if you're addressing the Holocaust from WWII is it capitalized. Any other holocaust/genecide is just lowercased. Of course, the teacher that told me this was not a very good one, but she was obsessed with the Holocaust as well.
Opening Sentence
| Quote: |
| The Holocaust started with one man and ended with ten million dead. |
At first I really liked this, then I look back at it and think that maybe a little work. You compare one man and ten million dead. It's unbalanced. The Holocaust started with the mind of one man and ended with the death of ten million. Mine's not very good, and you can definitely make it better, but the verb tenses are the same and the comparing.. things [for lack of better word] are equal.
Essay Writing
I'm not sure if this goes for Scholarship writing, but I do know it goes for college application essays. My English teacher made up a unit to help us write essays for scholarships and college application essays, and we just finished the notes for it today.
She told us to be unique and not to write what everyone else will write. "Oh, well.. the Holocaust caused ten million deaths, so we should, like, do something..." Yeah, well...what should we do? How does it affect others and what is the point of remembering history? Why are we taught history? Why must students be taught the horrors of the Holocaust?
You do well in answering your questions, but be sure to not bang on Americans for what they do. When I read it, I felt guilty for being on YWS and reading this. Well...maybe there are specific ways you could mention that we could do something to prevent another holocaust? Set aside a penny everyday from your paycheck and send the money off? You've definitely put a lot of work into this -- kudos to you! -- but don't forget to answer the questions, lol. One should be able to underline the answer(s).
You did mention smuggling as a way, but I can't do that. What can Jabber do to help the genocides? All she does is sit around at home, chat on YWS/MSN, play games, do homework... There are ways, I'm sure, for the average American to do something.
If you want to know any tips my English teacher gave me, just let me know. I have the notes in range.
Overall
This was very good! Don't take my critique the wrong way, which I trust you won't. This was very impressive. I've never shown an interest in this subject, but you've definitely proved that you mean business. Excellent job! I hope I helped some!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, good luck with the contest!
I sent you my edit, hopefully you got it?
It's a great essay and i hope you do well.
Kadie x
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Edits added!
Again, many, many thanks to all those who are editing. I think I'd really like some sleep now. I've lost sleep over this thing!! But I'm confident in it. I'll leave it up until I submit it tomorrow afternoon, so if anyone else has something to say, again, it will be greatly appreciated.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:08 am Post subject: |
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If you have made any alterations, I'm sorry. I started a few hours ago, after your first edit and before your second. Hopefully some of this still helps?
~JFW1415
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Sewn Shut.doc |
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: Re: Sewn Shut |
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Hey Suzi! Sorry it took me over four hours to do this, but there were one or two distractions (dinner being one of them). By the time I was halfway through, you had edited it. Luckily, I could find little fault in the rest. Because I want you to see my critique, I'm going ahead and posting this before going over the first half of your newly-edited paper and comparing it to my critique. I'll update this once I have, though.
Edit: I edited/updated the first part of my critique to match your current edit.
| Suzanne wrote: |
The Holocaust started with one man and ended with eleven million dead.
...
The worst kind of death came to the victims of the Holocaust. |
The first half of the second sentence led me to think that you were about to talk about a specific group of Holocaust victims. Change it to something like "For them lay the worst sort of death.", "For this, the worst kind of death came to them.", or reword the sentence so that "the victims of the Holocaust" is first. Oh! "The victims of the Holocaust suffered the worst kind of death."?
| Suzanne wrote: |
They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God. |
I don't like repetitive ands/ors. The last or tells the reader that an or exists between the earlier pieces of the series.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Harder to believe than the deaths is the disgusting way that murder was made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game. |
Hmmm, this sentence bothers me. "Harder to believe is the disgusting way that their murders were made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game."? Or, "Harder to believe than the victims' deaths is the disgusting way in which their murders were made into a clockwork process."? Oh! I think I found the problem; it sounds better to me if 'that' was replaced with 'in which'.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| For many, death was not immediate. It was life. They died only after months of abuse from the Schutstaffel or the Nazi “doctors”. |
Who/What are/is the "Schutstaffel"? Are they the Nazi "doctors"? If so, then a comma should be placed after "Schutstaffel". Also, I'm not sure if their name should be italicized or not...foreign words are italicized, but this is a proper noun, so I don't know if that rule applies here. You should look into it.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele performed countless experiments on children, many of which were only to feed his sadistic hunger. Two children, only the age of four, had been sewn together to form a man-made pair of Siamese twins. |
You have two 'only's too close to each other, bringing about repetition. The clause in which the first "only" occurs seems awkward as well. Maybe it can be changed to "...which were done just to..."?
| Suzanne wrote: |
Children and adults alike find themselves asking the same question that the victims did asked when they were behind those barbed wire fences: “How can the world be silent to so much death?” |
This is one case where you can't avoid repetition. Read the two versions of the sentence out loud and see which sounds better: did or asked.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| And yet, when we are shown those who are dying even today, we stay silent. |
Remove this even. The rest of the paragraph is about today. Placing 'even' here invokes a sense of time past. That's not what you want. You are talking about the here and now. So, no even.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| How can we pay respect to those who have died if we cannot open our eyes to those who are dying? |
I like this sentence.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Every day Arab militias, known as the Janjaweed, attack non-Arab villages, slaughtering men and raping women. |
Does this need to be in italics? Once again, it's a proper noun, so I'm not at all sure.
| Suzanne wrote: |
Those who endure the journey are met with the devastating drought plaguing Chad,[because this last part doesn't have a subject, there shouldn't be a comma here] and are left with no hope at all to live. |
| Suzanne wrote: |
In 1994, the civil war between the Tutsis and the Hutus led to the death of 800,000 during what is now known isas the Rwandan genocide and, of course, the death of the Jews and many others during Hitler’s Holocaust.What? This part doesn't make any sense. |
| Suzanne wrote: |
| The game makes an effort to involve the uninformed, but a computer screen can never bleed like a human. |
I like.
| Suzanne wrote: |
| Until we realize that the best way to remember the Holocaust is to prevent it from happening again, our lips, like the veins of Mengele's patients, are sewn shut. |
Very nice ending. However, you need to mention that Mengele sewed mouths shut earlier in the paragraph focusing on him. The addition of said sewing of mouths also means I don't have to tell you that that paragraph didn't seem to have much of a purpose in the paper, because it seemed to be there just to tell us about one specific horror of the Holocaust. Giving one or two more horrors that fit/relate it to the rest of the paper gives it that purpose it was missing.
I hope you do well! This is a very good paper, and I hope the judges (?) recognize that! Good luck! <3
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
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Oh Till. I had a whole response written up for you. A major critique. It was glorious. Satan, my computer, ate it. I shall try to recall the jist to the best of my abilities, below, though it's left me feeling particularly homicidal, and I very much want to cry over its untimely demise. And since I've discovered that your paper needs to be finished, polished and submitted tomorrow, I thought I'd stay up late and retype the aforementioned glorious crit. ^^ So yes, a headache combined with the fact that I've spent all day dousing my at-this-time-of-morning-marginal intellect in tuition bills and Virginia Woolf may make this interesting. I'll go paragraph by paragraph, yes? That way, nothing is missed, nothing is excluded, all is well. Just some random suggestions - use them, don't, whichever you like, love. Feel free to correct me. At this point, research, Death Machine, D.C., and scholarshipping has doubtless propelled you above my levels of knowledge regarding the second world war. All the same, I shall try to be helpful.
. . .
Sewn Shut by Suzanne [...]
“Man loses in a moment the memory of the things that have made him suffer.” -Adolf Hitler (Hitler’s Table Talk 1941-1944)
. . .
| Quote: |
| The Holocaust started with one man and ended with eleven million dead. Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Russians, Poles and many others were killed because one man decided they were not worthy of life, because they were not as he wanted them to be, because they weren’t the perfect race. |
This opening seems a bit awkward to me, a bit clunky. Generic. Dispassionate, as if you're trying too hard to convey the gravity of the situation. Also, the lists become wearying when applied too liberally. Perhaps something along the lines of: 'The Holocaust began with the life of one man and, by the time it reached its conclusion in 19[-], had summarily ended the lives of over eleven million. There was no strong attempt made to protect the victims from their terrible fate. There was no lone government which stood against the bloodshed for the sheer sake of human decency. Each nation hesitated, lingered and paused upon the precipice of world war, and only when the ubermenschen lust for territory became inconvenient did they react, failing to recognize the lust for dominance which had preceded the lust for land. It was through this perceived sense of superiority that a Master Race was so casually and callously capable of doling out judgments of worth. Worthy of life, worthy of happiness - millions of Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Russians and Poles were subject to the scrutiny of one, solitary man. We read his letters, we examine his quips, and in the end we do not merely wonder how a man can so blithely dispose of those who displease him, but rather we wonder that a man can be so vastly and clearly ignorant of the nature of suffering.'
etc.
| Quote: |
| The worst kind of death came to the victims of the Holocaust. They died starving. They died because they didn’t want to see their children slaughtered—or because they saw their children slaughtered. They died because they didn’t want to burn in the crematorium, or because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God. Harder to believe than the deaths is the disgusting way that murder was made into a clockwork process, or worse, into a game. |
'The victims of the Holocaust were subjected to the worst deaths it is possible for humans to suffer. They died starving. They died cold. They died because they didn't want to see their children slaughtered - or because they had seen their children slaughtered. They died because God had forgotten them, or because they had forgotten God: people say different things. But the plain and brutal truth is that they died alone. And even more appalling than their silent struggle was the cold, compassionless way in which their murders were honed into a perfect clockwork of destruction, a game for the all-powerful to play.' ... And so on.
| Quote: |
| For many, death was not immediate. It was life. They died only after months of abuse from the Schutstaffel or the Nazi “doctors”. The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele preformed countless experiments on children, many of which were only to feed his sadistic hunger. Two children, only the age of four, had been sewn together to form a man-made pair of Siamese twins. They were attached at the back and at the wrists, their veins stitched together with precision. They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine, and end their torture. |
Near-perfect. A few tiny things. Like so:
'For many, death was not immediate. It was a way of life. They died only after months of abuse at the hands of the Schutzstaffel and Nazi "doctors". The infamous Dr. Josef Mengele performed countless experiments on children, many of which were only to feed his sadistic hunger. There is an account of two children, each four years old, having been sewn together to form a man-made pair of Siamese twins. They were attached at the back and at their wrists, veins stitched together with the meticulous precision of a surgeon. They screamed all night until their mother managed to find morphine and end their torture.'
| Quote: |
| Elie Wiesel, a survivor of the Holocaust, said in his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech that “…if we forget [the Holocaust], we are accomplices.” Children and adults alike find themselves asking the same question that the victims did when they were behind those barbed wire fences: “How can the world be silent to so much death?” And yet, when we are shown those who are dying even today, we stay silent. We are moved to tears by pictures of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn our televisions off when American Idol has ended, and the news has come on. How can we pay respect to those who have died if we cannot open our eyes to those who are dying? |
'Elie Wiesel, a survivor of the Holocaust, said in his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech that "...if we forget [the Holocaust], we are accomplices." The children and adults of modern times find themselves faced with the same question which so taunted the prisoners behind the barbed wire: "How can the world be silent at the sight of so much death?" And yet, when we are shown video clips and grainy photographs of those dying even today, we remain silent. We are moved to tears by images of starving men huddled together in bunks, but we turn our off our television the moment "American Idol" ends, seeking to avoid the news. How can we pay our respects to those who have died when we cannot open our eyes to the anguish of those who are dying?'
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