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The Sundress
The Sundress

by elephantwalrus in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 27, 2008
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Circus Pirates 1
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Circus Pirates 9

Circus Pirates 8
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:56 pm    Post subject: Circus Pirates 8 Reply with quote

*continued from Part 7!*

Circus Pirates - Part 8

“This place is messy!” I said looking around at all the ropes and sludge and barrels of miscellaneous items on the deck. Andrew grabbed a lantern, took me by the arm, and led me carefully up the ladder to the quarterdeck and up another flight to the very back of the ship.

“Watch your step,” he said, catching my balance several times. I had surprisingly not spilled my cake yet.

I reached the top of the ladder and walked around a mound of supplies wrapped under a canvas tarp. I leaned over the back railing looking at the churning water the ship was kicking out far below. The silver reflections of the tiny sliver of a moon reflected its light onto the water and into my face.

“Whoa, whoa! Not so far,” Andrew said. He took me by the arm and pulled me back from the railing a bit too quickly. My cake tumbled off my plate, and I stumbled back and sat on the tarp. I was then suddenly pitched forward from the tarp.

“Whoa! This ship is moving fast!” I said, standing and regaining balance.

“You lost your cake!” Andrew said taking my plate without my noticing.

I heard a grunt behind me and Andrew began laughing. I whirled around to see the tarp fall back and a huge man appear beneath it. His giant head popped up a few feet away from me. I stared bug-eyed at this anomaly. It appeared as though I had sat on the sleeping man’s knees, disguised by the oversized tarp he was using as a blanket.

“Hello?” the giant man said in a deep, distorted voice.

“Sorry David. We didn’t mean to wake you,” Andrew said laughing at some inside joke.

“Oh, no. That’s alright,” the man with dark black hair said in a very slow tempered voice. “Who is this?”

I had been staring at this man in a slack-jawed expression thus far. I closed my mouth.

“Ah,” Andrew said. “This is Iza, the girl we picked up,” he pointed at me with one plate. “Iza, this is David. He’s a giant.” He pointed at the tall man lying on the deck with the other plate and fork.

“Hellooo,” I said, waving slightly. “How tall are you?” I asked incredulously.

The sleepy giant smiled at me with a huge mouth. “I am eleven feet and four inches,” he said in his slow, articulate voice.

“Wow!” I simply said.

“It is nice to meet you, Iza,” he said. “But I need my sleep, so if you may excuse me…”

“Of course,” Andrew said stroking my arm. I turned towards him, confused by the gesture.

David had closed his eyes, and smiling, he slowly laid his head back down, pulling the brown canvas over his large body. When lying down, his stacked knees were as high as a hay bale, and his shoulders came up to my waist.

Andrew and I stood there for a moment awkwardly before he asked, “Shall we take a stroll?”

“Sure!” I said.

He smiled at me. “Alright. First, let’s go to the bow so we don’t disturb David anymore.”

“Why isn’t his name Goliath? I mean, it’d seem more appropriate than David because in the story David was the little one and Goliath was huge!” I prattled.

“Yes, that seems to be the case,” Andrew said as he jumped to the bottom of the ladder.

“Wow, you’re limber!” I said, taking my time stepping down one step at a time.

When I was about halfway down, he put his hands on my waist and lifted me down the rest of the way. “Woo!” I squealed. The unexpected movements made the ship spin again for just a moment. Andrew smiled and his eyes twinkled at me.

*Part 9 will be coming eventually...*


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Last edited by yoha_ahoy on Tue May 06, 2008 10:04 pm; edited 2 times in total
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kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The silver reflections of the tiny sliver of a moon reflected its light onto the water and into my face. [This is a little awkward and repetitive. I'd suggest: 'The silver reflections of the sliver of a moon spread its light across the water which reflected it back into my face.' or something just a little clearer.]

I whirled around to see the tarp fall back and a huge man appeared beneath it.

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This is a good chapter. I'm neutral about the inclusion of another character but the relationship is developing beautifully and you managed to show her acting a little drunk very well. There's some pretty description and just the right amount for this chapter and really I found little to fault. I think that maybe you could have showed us her emotions a touch more. Does she mind him touching her or is she still as eager as in the last chapter? Is she starting to feel a little sober and wondering if this is such a good idea? Or is she incredibly delighted by his reaction?

Good dialogue. Nice choice of name for the giant and I love their little discussion over that, it worked really well to show her rather rambly faults. In general, I liked this section. Could have been longer but the plot is developing well and good characterization.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Part 8! Very Happy I was just wondering when I'd see this the other day. Laughing

Quote:
“This place is messy!” I said, looking around at all the ropes and sludge and barrels of miscellaneous items on the deck.


Quote:
“You lost your cake!” Andrew said, taking my plate without my noticing.


Quote:
I heard a grunt behind me, and Andrew began laughing. I whirled around to see the tarp fall back, and a huge man appear beneath it.


Quote:
“Sorry, David. We didn’t mean to wake you,” Andrew said, laughing at some inside joke.


Quote:
“Oh, no. That’s alright,” the man with dark black hair said in a very slow-tempered voice.


Quote:
“Of course,” Andrew said, stroking my arm.


Sheesh, the worst times to put a cliffhanger. T_T

This is excellent, and I wish I could say more. I feel useless at the mo. Mad

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting idea, making the giant's name David. The story and Iza's relationship with Andrew is certainly progressing well, but I wish you would have more narrative details. Like kitty said, showing us exactly what her emitions are. Maybe giving us a better idea of what her thoughts are. Stuff like that.

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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 11:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sick of me yet? Wink

Paragraph Edits

Quote:
“This place is messy!” I said looking around at all the ropes and sludge and barrels of miscellaneous items on the deck. Andrew grabbed a lantern, took me by the arm, and led me carefully up the ladder to the quarterdeck and up another flight to the very back of the ship.


Enhance! Show how drunk they are – does he nearly drop the lamp? Show any romantic tension. Let us feel what it’s like – dark? Cold? Lonely – romantic?

Quote:
“Whoa, whoa! Not so far,” Andrew said. He took me by the arm and pulled me back from the railing a bit too quickly. My cake tumbled off my plate, and I stumbled back and sat on the tarp. I was then suddenly pitched forward from the tarp.


Maybe have her nearly topple over before he stops her? Also, the last sentence is a bit choppy.

Quote:
“Whoa! This ship is moving fast!” I said, standing and regaining balance.

“You lost your cake!” Andrew said taking my plate without my noticing.


Both of these sentences are exactly the same. Could you add to one? Something to make it less…mechanical?

Quote:
I had been staring at this man in a slack-jawed expression thus far. I closed my mouth.


Really? Then show us!

Quote:
“Of course,” Andrew said stroking my arm. I turned towards him, confused by the gesture.


A bit random? Give him a reason! Don't just order your characters around.

Quote:
“Why isn’t his name Goliath? I mean, it’d seem more appropriate than David because in the story David was the little one and Goliath was huge!” I prattled.


What story? O.o Still, funny.

Overall Edits

First, make sure you separate ‘someone said’ and an action with a comma.

Example:
Quote:
Andrew said[comma] stroking my arm.


Good, but slow down! You’re developing a romance here (unless you decide that you want to play with us and rip it apart. ;P) Either way, you need to slow down and let us get used to it – let the characters slowly fall for each other. Details – emotions and descriptions – are key.

And yes, I know they are drunk, but you need to learn to show, regardless of this.

Oh, and I meant to do this one last night, but my mom came home with her boyfriend, and I didn’t want to be on the computer while they were in the next room. (It was late anyway.)

PM me when you get the next part out. I hope I’ve been at least a little help so far. (Oh; and sorry I made you wait so long for these! I promised them to you ages ago!)

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

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