Topic ID: 25843
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casey_kent
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 Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:30 am Post subject: Forgotten (my first poem posted here) |
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Forgotten
Have you ever been ignored?
Of course everyone knows how it goes
It's like a bullet shot through you
How painful it is, nobody knows.
You're a waste of time, that's what they think
But deep inside you, you know that's not true
Care is all you wanna have,
But they refuse to give it to you which isn't something new.
You are left behind by everyone
Wishing that for you there is someone
Nowhere in the world that's gonna happen
But now you don't care 'coz you are long forgotten. |
Last edited by casey_kent on Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:20 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, there's a hell of a lotta feeling in this poem. I guess that's what made me like it, since it's obvious that you've put your heart into your writing. That's brill- not a lot of poets do that.
Of course, there are a few grammatical errors here and there, but those will crease out in your second draft. I suggest putting more commas in, as that will make it look more professional, and will help the words flow.
If you're looking for a really advanced critque, I'm afraid I'm only starting out myself so I'm sure if you ask nicely someone else will take a real hard look at it.
All in all, I must say this is a supberb start. Nice One.
Keep writing, and PM me if you write some more.
Eimear xx |
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lakegirls
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
Welcome to YWS! This the best site to post all your writing ideas. I only joined in January and I'm already in love with this site.
So, this is your first thing that you've posted? Well it's awesome. There is so much feeling going through this poem, which is really good, because then we feel for the person/persons.
I did notice a few mistakes though:
know: should read knows
be: should read by
coz: should read because or cause
Also this one I wasn't sure of: wanna, i don't know if you should put it to want to, or if you just want to leave, whatever floats your boat.
My favorite line would have to be:
| Quote: |
It's like a bullet shot through you
How painful it is, nobody knows. |
I like the use of the simile.
yours truly,
lg* |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Welcome to YWS! 
Okay, now with the critique. I think that this is quite cliche. Someone being alone, as you said so yourself "Of course everyone know how it goes". Therefore, you must change how it goes to make in interesting. When I read this I read it in monotone, I couldn't really imagine a voice here. Try to put more of yourself into this poem and use imagery and similies and things that others can relate too...and still be interested in the poem. Without those things added, I think I've probably read all of your lines somewhere, not put together the way you put them, but individually. Make it your own. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!
Keep it up!
~Rieda |
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TickledPink
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| Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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I undersatnd that this is your feelings, and you have shown them really well in this poem. You chose a good topic to write about because many can relate to it. Cmon no matter how popular you are, you have been ignored at least once in you life.
The only thing i would suggest is to change you stanza's a bit and fix your spelling mistakes
T |
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KookieKatie
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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I am sorry, but I do NOT like this poem..
It doesn't rhyme well, the rhythm is off, and it's just kinda stupid.
It needs a lot of work, that's for sure. |
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Kelsi222
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!!
I really liked your poem a lot! It was a good topic to talk about, espically since it's what a lot of teens go through in their teenage lives!
I also liked the fact it was easy to realte to. I hate reading stuff I can't realte to.
Keep up the good work!!
Kelsi =) |
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vines-of-beauty
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| Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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This poem does have alot of meaning!
My favorite line MUST be "It's like a bullet shot through youHow painful it is, nobody knows."
I really loved this line!
Keep wrighting this amazing lines!
*keep rockin'*
-Meg |
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soconfused4512
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: |
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| ok you know what i loved your poem this is the kind of poems i like to read are ALL about your feelings so if and when you post another let me know OK but i will agree you do have a few mispelled words here and there other than that like I said "I LOVE IT!!!" |
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ink_on_fire
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:25 am Post subject: |
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Hey
Your poetry always has so much feeling in it. That's goood. lol.
But I think you have to work on the flow a bit.
Also try giving less cliche descriptions.
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Of course everyone know how it goes
It's like a bullet shot through you
How painful it is, nobody knows. |
I didn't quite understand this bit. You say everyone knows how it goes but then how no one knows how it feels. That's a bit contradictory. But I understand what you're trying to say.
I think 'want to' would be better. Slang tends to take away from a meaningful poem, and this would also make it flow better.
| Quote: |
But they refuse to give it to you which isn't something new. |
This is a bit wordy. I don't think the 'which' works. Maybe leaving the 'But' out at the start and saying something like 'They refuse to give it to you, nothing new.'
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You are left behind be everyone |
I don't think you meant the 'be'.
Keep those strong feelings. They make a poem real if they're painted all over it.
Work on the flow a bit, and keep it up.
Peace 
Inky |
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sweetcapris
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:25 am Post subject: Re: Forgotten (my first poem posted here) |
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Well first of all I want to say that you've got a pretty sound message that you've portrayed pretty nicely. The subject is something that MANY many people can relate to. And that's great! I do have a few suggestions that I think might strengthen it even more.
| casey_kent wrote: |
Have you ever been ignored?
Of course everyone knows how it goes
It's like a bullet shot through you
How painful it is, nobody knows.
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I like the subtle rhythmic pulse in here-- not too strong but not too weak. But I have to wonder, is being ignored something that "everyone knows how it goes" but "nobody knows" how painful it is? It's a bit confusing. Try rephrasing?
| casey_kent wrote: |
You're a waste of time, that's what they think
But deep inside you, you know that's not true
Care is all you wanna have,
But they refuse to give it to you which isn't something new.
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The last line seems a bit too wordy. Shrink it down to the core of the message. Great poets say as much as they can in the fewest words. concise, concise.
The end was good though. So yeah... good message, good emotion, now just work on making the message stronger and more concise.
All the best,
s |
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myfreindsavamp
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:26 am Post subject: |
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I thought it was prtty good after all Im ignored every day myself too....ya well we all have our moments. NOw the spotlghts on you
-em |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, basically EVERYONE here has covered the grammar and spelling and all that stuff, so I'll just take care of the rest.
I love the simplicity of the poem, but the end was a bit...abrupt. I think you could elaborate just a little bit more on the ending. Use "forgotten" a little bit more, so it just doesn't cross the eyes once because in my personal opinion, it seems a bit lackluster.
I love the metaphors and all that stuff, but you jump from subject to subject pretty quickly. One time it's a bullet, another it's a "you're a waste of time". I think you need to have some connection throughout the verses.
Other than that, it was great. Saw some typos, but pretty good. |
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