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deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
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 Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:57 pm Post subject: Prologue of 'Bloody Canvas' |
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Prologue
The boy’s brow furrowed as he guided the paintbrush across the canvas. The chocolate-colored paint blotched on the canvas like blood welling from a wound…
Wait a minute, wait a minute. He paused, putting the paintbrush in the water cup. Stepping back, he examined it and suddenly the shapes were clear to him.
“Oh my God,” he whispered. Numbness spread through his body like an icy poison. He sat down hard on the stool. His breath came as if he had just climbed the stairs.
He would have to tell her.
And then he would have to tell her…everything.
The vision became blurry and water begun trickling down his cheeks. Tears of regret. Tears of frustration. When he told her…what would happen?
He knew this wouldn’t have happened if he had never gotten involved with her, if he had just let fate run its natural course.
But, of course, he had to interfere.
A pounding on the door alerted him.
A visitor.
He slid off the stool. Wiping away all signs of his expression of grief, he threw a cover over the painting and said, “Come in.”
The door opened to reveal the girl whose future he had just predicted. |
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Last edited by deafwriter_19 on Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:56 am; edited 2 times in total |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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This was interesting. I quite liked the imagery and the description. I love the way you describe the paint like 'blood welling from a wound'. I like it when people think of stuff that I haven't already thought of. You immediately grabbed the reader just with that first few sentences.
I also liked the character, despite the fact that you don't really know him yet. I found his emotion very real; nothing cliche or predictable in his tears.
My only suggestion is that you rephrase this: "A pounding on the door alerted him and he slid off the stool." Alerted him to what? To the girl presence? A little specification would be appreciated here. Other then that, I loved it. And I look forward to reading more. |
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Flame11
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:33 pm Post subject: Prologue |
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I agree with ChernobyllyInclined about the "A pounding on the door alerted him and he slid off his stool." It doesn't really make sense.
Great cliffhanger at the end. Makes people want to know what happens next. And I have to agree with ChernobyllyInclined again that you grabbed the reader with the first sentences.
It's great. Need some more specifics but otherwise, it's great. Can't wait for more! |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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I like how you let a little of the story unfold. I also like the descriptive words you use!
I actually found nothing wrong with the sentence that Flame11 and ChernobyllyInclined are talking about but that's just my opinion.
I like this and I can't wait to read more.
~Rachael |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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I think this could have been more descriptive but it's good and I think it will work perfectly! It really catches the reader's attention and I think they will certainly read on, if only so they can understand this scene better. The emotion was good.
I think that you should maybe extend this just a little, to add some more description of him painting. To maybe mention how the brush seems to guide itself across the page, how the boy isn't really viewing the whole picture but rather each individual stroke. You could have some beautiful language there. And maybe rather than saying at the end that it's the girl he's painted, you could describe how she looks a little while he's painting her and then just pick out one pprominent feature when she walks in.
Love the description of the paint and overall, good start! Feel free to pm me with questions or more extracts,
Heather xx |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| ^_^ I like this. When you post more, I'll defenatley check them out ^_^ |
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christy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: |
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I rather liked the ambiguity and am more intrigued by the idea of what he could be painting than I think I would be if I knew. After all, the painting obviously dictates the girl's future, and I much prefer to wonder what it is rather than analyze the meaning of a painting. The language was lyrically eerie.
I really enjoyed it and am interested in the themes and plot ideas you've hinted at. Star from me. Well done.
Christy |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! Same format as always.
Highlighted Comments
1. Suggestion: ‘…he examined it until the shapes became clear.’ ‘Suddenly’ is an evil word. ;P
2. Breath doesn’t (or shouldn’t) come very heavily after this, so it has no effect.
Overall Comments
What did I tell you, deaf_writer? You have talent. This piece (and this is not something I say often) is amazing. You kept me glued to the screen, and was able to effortlessly break all the rules there are to writing. (Something that’s very fun. ;P)
Now you just need to keep this up through the entire novel!
Gold star.
One comment, though. I didn’t feel like it flowed very well from ‘stairs’ to ‘he would have to tell her.’ I’m not sure how to tie those together, but I had to reread it because of that. Maybe add something like ‘it was her’ in between? Definitely not that, but something similar? *Shrugs, feeling useless*
PM me for the usual. ;P
~JFW1415 |
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200397
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| Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: Re: Prologue of 'Bloody Canvas' |
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| deafwriter_19 wrote: |
Prologue
The boy’s brow furrowed as he guided the paintbrush across the canvas. The #1 chocolate-colored paint blotched on the canvas like blood welling from a wound…
Wait a minute, wait a minute. He paused, putting the paintbrush in the water cup. Stepping back, he examined it and suddenly the shapes were clear to him.
#2 “Oh my God,” he whispered. Numbness spread through his body like an icy poison. He sat down hard on the stool. His breath came as if he had just climbed the stairs.
He would have to tell her.
And then he would have to tell her…everything.
#3 The vision became blurry and water begun trickling down his cheeks. Tears of regret. Tears of frustration. When he told her…what would happen?
He knew this wouldn’t have happened if he had never gotten involved with her, if he had just let fate run its natural course.
But, of course, he had to interfere.
A pounding on the door alerted him.
A visitor.
He slid off the stool. #4 Wiping away all signs of his expression of grief, he threw a cover over the painting and said, “Come in.”
The door opened to reveal the girl whose future he had just predicted. |
Holy crow, Batman! Talk about suspense and mystery. Though the reader doesn't know the story behind the boy's actions, it's really compelling, and it makes you want to read more.
Here are the problems:
#1 The chocolate-colored paint doesn't seem to be a strong enough description. And chocolate makes me think of Hershey's, not blood. I think you might want to elaborate on the color, so people don't start having cravings for chocolate paint.
#2 There is a considerable amount of emotion here, and, also, in the entire piece. And I understand if you want to keep it mysterious, keep the reader wondering "Why is he doing this?" but it feels distant, not real.
#3 Again, I'd like some emotion along with the tears, because, without feelings, the tears are just tears, and you don't feel anything for the character if you don't know why.
#4 This doesn't seem hasty enough. But I don't think it's a major problem, so don't worry about it if you don't want to. It just stuck out to me.
I hope these suggestions work! This was a really good opening for a story. |
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