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Sugarbowl
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 Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: A Beautiful Mess |
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This is my first attempt at a novel. Since it's made up of quite a lot of short chapters, I'll probably post future chapters in this same thread. For now though, here's the first chapter.
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A Beautiful Mess
ONE
There was something about the way she looked at him. Definitely something in those eyes. The way they kept looking up at him from the other side of the table, glancing across the open thorax between them.
Daniel looked her in the eyes, reaching in to the body’s chest cavity and removing the organ he’d spent the past half hour cutting away.
“You must be good Kate,” Daniel told her, looking back at the body between them. “You’ve only known Dave here for a couple of days and he’s literally pouring his heart out to you.”
He dropped the heart on the board in front of her. She looked as if she might throw up. Or throw a punch, Daniel wasn’t quite sure.
“You are so disgusting,” she said. “This man could have been buried when he died, but instead he decided to donate his body to us lot so idiots like you can juggle his organs.”
She walked away, and Daniel removed his rubber gloves and white coat. He wasn’t used to such blatant rejections. Nothing says “I don’t like you in that way” more than a cold stare and a short lecture in medical ethics, thought Daniel. But then again, he thought, a lump of muscle and sinew was hardly
the most romantic of gestures.
Daniel Moore didn’t like failure. He wasn’t used to it. He’d grown up around success. Doctor Father, lawyer mother. Christ, even the dog won that ribbon at Crufts one year when Daniel was twelve. Five A-levels, Cambridge University, top of the class in medicine. The last time he’d experienced failure was the evening he nearly poisoned Jess with the cheese on toast. Even now, for the life of him, he couldn’t imagine how he’d managed that.
But this, in Daniel’s mind, surpassed even his sister’s projectile vomiting over the kitchen tiles. He hadn’t even had the sense to flirt with a little more subtlety. No, he had to go for the whole heart-on-the-dissection-board option, complete with a perfectly severed aorta.
Looking back, he wished he’d opted for a bunch of flowers. That couldn’t go wrong. Unless she had hay fever. Or a boyfriend. For God’s sake, he thought, she might even have a boyfriend. Probably one of those rugby player types. Big arms. Big fists. Probably big bruises on Daniel’s face.
On second thoughts, flowers weren’t such a good idea. Finding success on this one might be harder than he’d thought. Jeez, it might even be harder than making an edible cheese on toast. |
Last edited by Sugarbowl on Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:14 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:10 am Post subject: |
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| I think you're good at writing, but this is kind of shady. It's short, so there isn't much to comment on. However, since this is the beginning you should spend a bit more time explaining the characters. Readers need to know the characters, thier looks, their personalities, their histories. Who is "this man" that donated his body? Why does Daniel like the girl, how does he even know her? Is she nice or stuck-up, explain all that, maybe not all at one paragraph, but integrate it into your writing so the readers get a better feel of what's going on. Other than that, good start. Post more soon, with more writing this will be easier to review. |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, I agree with Jamie_rocks on this one. You totally have to describe your characters more. It seemed kind of blah to me at the moment. But I think the totally clueless guy as the main character makes this story easier to relate too.
Also, the start of this was kind of quick. You jumped right into the story, which is good to keep the readers attention but some of the sentences you used were kind of awkward and hard to understand. For instance:
| Quote: |
| “You must be good Kate,” he told her, looking back at the body between them. “You’ve only known Dave here for a couple of days and he’s literally pouring his heart out to you.” |
This sentence needs to be clearer. For one, say "Daniel told her" because at first, I thought you were talking about the main character as the corpse and yeah, I was really confused. I had to reread it a couple of times to understand it.
I put that sentence in there too because I thought it was a really cute line. I mean, even if this girl didn't fall for it, I thought it was funny. You should throw more funny, one-liners in you story because it creates a sympathetic yet, humorous tone for the main character. Right now, I like this Daniel character! 
Otherwise, I think you have a good start but I agree with Jamie_Rocks on this too. The more you post, the easier it will be for everybody to read and review!
Keep Writing! |
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Sugarbowl
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:13 pm Post subject: |
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((Thanks for the reviews I'll take your advice and post the next part, which might make the first a little clearer. I'm going to post it in here with the first part, so as not to make too many threads. I hope you don't mind ))
((Edits in Bold))
TWO
“You didn’t?”
Daniel nodded. “I’m sick of just sitting there doing nothing. I had to make the first move sometime.”
“I know Dan, but a heart? What is it about this girl that’s got you acting like a complete idiot?”
Daniel muttered something that ended in “off” and drank his pint. Sometimes Jess had no idea what went on in her brother’s head. The two of them were living proof that twins were not telepathic. Not these twins, anyway. If it wasn’t for the shared jet black hair and the prominent “Moore nose”, it would be hard to see they were even related. What made almost perfect sense to Jess would almost certainly baffle her brother.
A quick look across the table showed her she wasn’t the only one attempting to figure out the workings of her brother’s mind. Elliot was trying hard not to laugh, and Jayne was looking ever so slightly confused.
“It’s just the signals, you know?” Daniel looked entranced. “The body language. The eyes. The things she says to me.”
“I thought she said you were disgusting,” Elliot interrupted.
“That was just once. She’s normally so warm, so friendly. And she’s intelligent too. She just seems right.”
Jess looked at her brother. She knew what that face meant. The blank, doleful eyes, the subtle smile, the complete look of utter infatuation that played across Daniel’s features. His normally mature face melted back to the face of a child she remembered from years ago. He was in love. God, he was in love. Again. If she had to sit through one more night of comforting Daniel after another rejection, she might just scream. She wished sometimes that he would stop being so naïve. A couple of flutters of the eyelashes and Daniel was ensnared forever.
Kate wasn’t right for him. Jess knew her type. She’d got through half the guys in Jess’s Classics group, and now it seemed she was looking a little closer to home with her fellow medical students. Christ, everyone knew her type. Everyone except Daniel.
“You just need to step back from it for a while, Dan,” Jess told her brother. “It’s like something Jane Austen once said-“
“Come on Jess,” Elliot said. “It’s pub night. You know that woman’s name is not to be mentioned on pub night.”
Jess sighed and slumped back in her chair, tossing a curl of her black hair over her face with a flick of her head. She was going to sulk. It had worked when Daniel had stole her last custard cream sixteen years ago, and it was going to work now. She would mention Jane Austen if she liked. She listened on pub night when Elliot talked about the boat race. For goodness sake, she even nodded at the right moments when Jayne went on about Picasso. She could probably have recited the social commentary of Guernica without even thinking by now. But for some reason they couldn’t bear a few seconds of Austen.
Jess wondered sometimes whether she’d picked the right friends, but always gave up the thought because she felt bad even entertaining the notion. It wasn’t that she didn’t like them. She could laugh at Elliot’s jokes as well as the next man, and she enjoyed all their company. She just couldn’t help but think that there was something missing. Someone she could talk to every now and then about what she wanted, someone who wouldn’t ban the name of Jane Austen in polite conversation. Someone who might understand her a little more.
There was Will. On those nights where she talked and he listened, he would give her that look occasionally that said, “I understand”. Nothing more, and nothing less. He understood, and that felt great sometimes. But again, there was something missing. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on. And she ignored it, because she felt bad whenever she thought of her boyfriend as anything but the perfect man.
Daniel was poking her in the arm. God, he was childish sometimes.
“What do you want?” She asked.
“I was going to buy you another drink,” he said. “If you wanted one.”
She looked at the bottom of her empty glass. Another drink sounded good. Might finally make up for the stolen custard cream.
“Same again, thanks,” she said, and her sulk ended. She realised she probably had nothing to sulk about. Fine, she wasn’t allowed to talk about her favourite novels when she wanted, but there was more to life than that. It wasn’t worth the hassle. Over the past year and a half, Jess had managed to build herself a pleasant life with nice friends in a nice flat. It was an easy life, or as easy as life could be when you were a second-year university student, and hassle wasn’t something she wanted to add to it. It would be pretty easy to avoid, too, she realised. She’d had a sulk, but nobody would ever ask her about it again. It wasn’t that they didn’t care; they, like her, just wanted to avoid the hassle. Amongst friends, what did it matter if Jess felt misunderstood every now and then, or if Elliot drank a bit too much, or if Jayne was getting paler and thinner by the day, as long as you left the toilet seat down in the bathroom and stuck to the cleaning rotor?
“There you go,” Daniel said. He handed Jess her drink.
“Thanks Danny”.
“God Jess, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s Daniel, or Dan. Not Danny. It makes me feel about seven again.”
“I think Danny suits you,” Jayne said.
“It suited me when I was seven. It must have been the round glasses. It’s just not me anymore.”
“I bet you’d let Kate call you Danny,” Elliot said, finishing his drink. Jess laughed. Already the sulk was forgotten.
Daniel looked as if he was going to punch Elliot, but he wasn’t that stupid. Or brave.
“Or does she call you anything?” Elliot continued. “Does she even know your name?”
“Yes, she does!” Daniel was shouting a bit. Elliot stopped talking.
It was a good life she had. She was misunderstood, but everyone felt like that sometimes, she’d move on and avoid the hassle. But, just like she had a feeling that something was missing between her and Will, she had another feeling that the nice life she’d managed to create, with the weekly pub nights and the colour-coded cooking rotor, wouldn’t last forever. She couldn’t help thinking that someday soon it was going to crumble around her. But she gave up that thought, because it made her feel bad when she was so pessimistic. |
Last edited by Sugarbowl on Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:32 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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How old are these people? They seem to be in high school since they act like awkward teenagers to each other, yet they are dealing with hearts and whatnot, so it really doesn't make since. If they are college students or professional people, then they would have had more experience in dating and whatnot and just because somebody has good eyes wouldn't mean as much as it would to a high schooler.
So make it clear what this group's age is.
Also, it would help if you could give Daniel a reason why he likes her besides those eyes. If they're dealing with organs together, she's obviously smart, so you can make this a reason, or maybe he likes being insulted, since he seems slightly masochistic? Whatever! You just have to come up with a better reason than her "eyes" unless this is an advanced high school or middle school that is somehow dealing with human organs. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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First, I agree with Snoink that you need to come up with another idea besides the reason that Dan likes her because of her eyes. I think going the intelligent route would be the best idea
Otherwise, I liked this chapter a lot better. I liked how you switched it up a bit, making Jess the main character for awhile. It makes things interesting. Also, I think you did a lot better with the dialouge in this one. The other chapter was kind of missing that extra bit that made the reader want to read more. But this one I think you had that little extra.
Anyway, I think posting your second piece was the right thing to do and cleared a lot of things up for me. This piece has potential and with just a bit of tweaking, this could be great! |
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Sugarbowl
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:40 pm Post subject: |
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((Thanks again for the reviews. I've tried your ideas out and editted chapter 2 accordingly. Edits are in bold to stop you having to search the whole chapter for the differences. For those of you unfamiliar with the UK education system, second-year university students are aged 19/20. I'm going to post the next chapter in this thread again, but feel free to critique any of the three chapters that are here ))
THREE
Elliot was beginning to feel a bit drunk. He’d just caused Daniel to shout, but he didn’t quite have the mental capacity at the moment to decide whether he was angry or amused.
He got up and headed for the toilet. He only had a couple of pound coins left in his pocket, and sitting around the table with another empty glass would only tempt him to go to the nearest cash machine and withdraw another tenner. Ten pound he didn’t quite have.
He went to the toilet, then spent the next couple of minutes looking at himself in the mirror. On second thoughts, he wasn’t nearly drunk enough. His normally bright eyes were dull, and his blond hair was messy and unkempt. He could still stand up with no difficulty, and his head wasn’t even starting to hurt. And he looked miserable. God, he looked miserable.
What was he doing to himself? Even now, when he could clearly see his miserable face in the mirror in front of him, he found himself emptying the pockets of his jeans onto the surface beside the sink. Two pounds and eleven pence. And a bus ticket. But he was pretty sure the barman wouldn’t take his bus ticket as currency.
It wasn’t that he desperately needed a drink. He just desperately needed not to be sober, because sober and miserable were pretty much the same thing at the minute. He just found it impossible to really have fun without having a few drinks beforehand. Or maybe more than a few.
He hadn’t always been like it. A couple of months ago he’d got up on stage with Jess in a karaoke bar without even having a drink. They’d sounded like a cross between a Chihuahua and his ninety-two year-old grandmother, but it had been fun. God, if only he could do that now. He wished he could just go back into the bar, sit down and have a good night, and still leave with that two pounds and eleven pence in his pocket. But things were different now.
He knew he had a problem. He just didn’t have any motivation to do anything about it. He wouldn’t bring his dad back by drinking an orange juice.
His eyes were sunken and his jaw was covered in dark stubble. He wasn’t sleeping properly. He didn’t care much about his appearance. He didn’t care much about anything right now, except making sure he had a drink in his hand and a bit of cash in his back pocket.
He had to find a distraction. Jayne would notice soon that he’d been in the toilet for nearly five minutes, and Daniel would be sent to find him. He walked back into the bar.
There was a girl sitting on a stool by the bar, on her own. Dark hair, a pretty face and long legs. Seemed like a suitable distraction. Certainly more attractive than spending the whole night in a badly maintained public toilet. He walked over and sat on the stool beside her.
“I’m Elliot”, he explained.
She turned round to face him. “Congratulations.”
Christ, this might be more difficult than he’d imagined. He could almost hear the toilets calling him back. A night with the off-white tiles and spilt drinks suddenly didn’t seem so bad.
“This is normally the part where you tell me your name.”
“Really? I thought it was the part where you realise I’m not interested, turn around, and walk away with all your anatomy still intact.”
Elliot sighed. He got up and was about to walk away when the girl turned back to him.
“Look. It’s nothing against you. I’m just not in the mood for chat-up lines.”
“You and me both”, Elliot replied.
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve got a bit of a problem. A drink problem.”
The girl looked at him strangely. She sipped her drink, leaving red marks on the edge of her glass from her heavily glossed lips.
Elliot replayed the moment in his head, barely believing what he was saying. “Did I actually just say that?”
The girl nodded. “Why are you trying to sort it out in a pub?”
“It’s tradition. Thursday night is always pub night. I can’t let the side down.” He looked over at the table where Jess, Daniel and Jayne were sitting.
“You know them?” The girl asked.
“They’re my flatmates.”
“So you know Daniel?”
“He’s my best mate. Why do you ask?”
“Does he ever talk about me?”
Finally it clicked who she was. Elliot felt a bit stupid for not noticing before now.
“You must be Kate.”
She looked as if she was about to be sick. “God, no. I wish. I’d be happy if he gave me half the attention he gave Kate.”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you must have been her.”
“No. I’m Zoe.”
Elliot accidentally made eye contact with Daniel, and he was beckoned back to the table. Going back didn’t seem like too bad an idea now. The situation with Zoe was becoming slightly awkward.
“He might have mentioned your name,” Elliot lied as he stood up. “I’ll put in a good word for you. Maybe I’ll see you later.”
She waved and Elliot walked away. Daniel met him halfway, on his way to the bar.
“Do you want another drink?” Daniel asked him.
Elliot nodded before sitting back down. As if he needed to ask. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooh, the chapters just keep getting better and better!
This one is my favorite so far. Again. It had a good flow to it and I liked how you threw Zoe in the picture, making this even more twisting and murky!
Nice Work!
PM me when you put the next thread on here. (however, I do advise you to post these all seperately. It gets kind of confusing when it's all together in one!) |
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