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Judgement Day: Prologue
Judgement Day: Prologue

by Nighty Night Gobbo in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on April 17, 2008
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Notes on a Plane Crash

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backgroundbob   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:19 am    Post subject: Notes on a Plane Crash Reply with quote

I don't really have a prolific output, sadly, sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to churn out work at a rate of knots.  Maybe someday.  Anyway, this also includes a very badly recorded audio version: it's bad because my microphone is interfacing rather nastily with my PC at the moment, and it's included because... well, I'm not really sure why, maybe I just like the sound of my own voice or something.





Notes on a Plane Crash

the man in the window seat



We saw the sun come up beneath our wings

and heard the mourning stars, the fading lights

that trickle gently into dark.

Our head against the window-pane

we saw those sighing lights sink down,

extinguish all their fury and their fight,

for what?  "They burn their lives away at night,"

he said, "they set themselves on fire for love

and dwindle, grey and widow-old

and trickle gently into dark."



We see the sea stretch out beneath our feet

and tread its carefree paths, the running waves

that stream from portside into night.

Our trembling wingtips dipping low

we feel the water's grave, it calls

like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths.

"Their only husbands are the dead," he says,

"they sing their salt-songs choked with guilt

and dwindling, grey and widow-old

they stream with sadness into night."



We will be rushing winds, be streaming skies

who tumble down to meet the arms of land,

the all-embracing arms of God.

The man in seat 11b,

his aching fingers holding tight with hope

will be at peace, to smell the ocean air,

to dance beneath the waves to no-one's tune.

His seatbelt chain will slip from 'round his waist,

and in his face they'll say they saw

a transformation of such grace:

a freedom born of loneliness,

the knowledge of new birth.





audio

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Last edited by backgroundbob on Sun Apr 20, 2008 5:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Writing for love is a pas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought you did a wonderful job. I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse.

Secondly, I thought there were some unnecessary punctuation marks.

Quote:
to sing to no-one's tune


should be "no one's".

Quote:
will be at peace, to smell the ocean air


Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow.

Quote:
Our trembling wingtips dipping low
we feel the water's grave, it calls
like lonely sirens by their wave-washed hearths.


I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice.

Other than that, I thought you had some beautiful imagery, and I'm glad it actually made sense to me. Sometimes I read really pretty-sounding poems and at the end I'm like "What?", but you put it together very well. Great job and keep writing! Cool

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 4:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved this; the rhythm fitted the theme very well and the imagery was haunting. My only real nit-picks would be the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1 and the fact that I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line. The final stanza had a few minior awkward moments -- you might want to smooth out the line breaks a little?

Otherwise, a beautiful poem. Your work always makes me think Smile
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

@bubbly:
Quote:
I think you're missing a "his" in the 4th to last line
face/palm. Yes, I am! Cheers.
Quote:
the overuse of the word "trickle" in stanza 1
Using it twice is kind of the point, dear Smile it's the same in stanza two, it links the two sections of the verse together.

@wiggywiggywiggy:
Quote:
Quote:
to sing to no-one's tune
should be "no one's".
Just the difference in american/english spellings, I think: "no one, no-one and noone" are all correct.
Quote:
Don't need this comma. It throws off your flow.
Yes, that's originally what I thought, but if you listen to the audio file (if it's working... is it?) or read it aloud to yourself, you'll find that you naturally paused for breath there. It seems odd, but it came in on the second or third draft, and I'm pretty sure it belongs.
Quote:
I would put a comma after "low" and change "it calls" to "calling". It's less choppy and makes the sentence not a comma splice.
But... that would change it from having a rhythm (iambic) to having no rhythm... take another look at it:
Quote:
our TREM-bling WING-tips DIPP-ing LOW / we FEEL the WA-ter's GRAVE, it CALLS / like LONE-ly SI-rens BY their WAVE-washed HEARTHS.
Rhythmic! Does it make sense now?
Quote:
I did, however, find it a bit odd that there's some lines that rhyme (lights/night/fight, waist/grace) while most of it is free verse.
Hmm, yes, noted. I'll try and work on that one, I'm not just not so great with consistantly rhyming - I like my freedom too much!

@writingforloveisapas:
Quote:
I'm sorry, but this is just my opinion. Don't take offense. I though it was horrible. I couldn't catch the flow OR the rhthym.
Mhm, thank you for that entirely useless comment, do try and include something vaguely constructive in the future, yes? Also, try learning about rhythm before you comment on it: the fact that you don't understand it's written in iambic form doesn't mean it's not there.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't quite get it. Like was the plane crashing, was he talking about killing himslef, or just being really depressing??

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At first, I thought it will be about that man by the window who'd wallow in self-pity and that anticipated tragedy but i was fairly taken aback on how seriously altruistic he has become all throughout the poem. That was breathtaking in its first recognition. Smile

I fancy your honesty regarding loving your freedom too much in poetry?

*High five!* If you'd take some time to browse through mine, I usually free flow my way to the ending. Very Happy I'd sound so style-ignorant even in two lines of my work. LOL.

Damn you again for such lovely poem.

Warning: Don't disappoint me next. All kidding aside.

<3 JACE

I Love you already....damn you again, again.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cheers for your crits, guys.

For those of you who want to hear my awful voice reading this out loud (just for the rhythm and all!) this link, http://www.esnips.com/web/backgroundbob-Music should work, as long as you hit the "listen" button on the bar above the actual player. For some reason the player itself doesn't seem to work. Enjoy!

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 3:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn... it's been taken off. This was abstract but it didn't bore me instead I read each bit and eventually got the picture. This is really great Bob. I really wish I could be more constructive but this poetry isn't my forte. I admire work like this greatly. Seriously this is just wonderful I glanced at it again the word choice the langauge techniques.

Overall: This earns a star from me. Really Bob. I want to review this but instead I'm blown away by it's splendour.

Good luck
VSN

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not sure. I listened to the audio and read it outloud to myself, but I'm not sure what I think. Prehaps thats a good thing? Maybe.

I agree with Vernon, it's very abstract.

And when I see the phrase "plane crash", I think--blown engine, screaming people, panic, emminent death--but your poem is almost calm.

Sorry, I can't be more helpful. All I can say is that it made me think.

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