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Save the rainforest!
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by lukas8u in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 28, 2008
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Jace's Premonition

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Dreamwriter   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:07 am    Post subject: Jace's Premonition Reply with quote

Jace lay back against the oak’s thick trunk, his legs parallel with the roots that littered the leafy forest floor. There were thick trees everywhere, the moss soft and damp at their roots.

He stared at a small bug that crawled along a green stem of grass. It seemed to be wandering in a pointless circle. Thoughtlessly, Jace traced the path behind the insect with his pinky finger, sheer boredom driving his actions. Suddenly, without warning, Jace’s calloused hands and fingers trembled and began to seize up with pain. He clenched his hands into tight balls, grimacing as he did. He forced his breath to stay even and full, not willing to give into the short gasps that were escaping him. After a few seconds, he managed to relax. The pain had gone as quickly as it had come.

Must be that time again, he thought, sighing heavily. How many more times will I have to kill to continue a comfortable existence? Will it ever be me that becomes an ingredient for pain relief?

He groaned as he stood, the ache in his bones making his rock of a body sore as an old man. He took a deep breath, his angular features showing no signs of anything resembling joy or contentment. Only timeless sorrow. His light eyebrows were creased with thought, and his eyes filled with hopeless depth. The corners of his mouth were pulled down unhappily. He ran his hand through his short dark blonde hair with unease. Then, glancing around with alert eyes, he took off in an impossibly fast run, running faster than a cheetah. He dodged the large trees with amazingly swift reflexes. As he came to a bush in his path, he jumped high and landed easily without the slightest jolt and continued his run. Low branches, decorated with thick vines and lush leaves were strewn across his path, but not a twig touched him. Roots and underbrush failed to trip him, and his mind never left his destination.

As he approached a pond in the forest, he jumped and turned his body sideways as he skidded to a stop. He then stood straight, glancing around before kneeling by the water side, his alert eyes focused on a single point in the middle of the water. The pond was not wide, and it was filled with green goop all around its edges. However, it was obviously deep, dark, and cold to touch. The water was as dark as a deep pit, with the slightest trace of blue. This was a pond that the animals never drank from, their instincts warning them away with a firm touch of fear. Kneeling at the water edge, however, Jace had no such qualms. He knew what the waters held, and how not to be pulled in. There he sat, wordlessly, motionlessly, soundlessly, becoming more and more like a statue. He waited there, patiently abiding his endless amount of time.

Not moments later in the center of the pond, exactly where Jace had been staring, a few small bubbles glubbed to the surface, making next to no sound. Then, a beautiful face could be seen just beneath the water’s surface. The woman’s blonde hair was spread all around her head as it floated in the water. She smiled a teasing grin, and a small girlish giggle escaped her pale pink lips, glubbing noisily to the surface of the water. She looked into Jace’s face, her eyes such a deep sapphire blue that not even the sky could compare. He stared at her, unmoving and quiet. She winked at him and still he did not move.

Rolling her eyes, she surfaced her head from the water and beckoned Jace to come closer. With her head exposed above water, her hair seemed plastered to the skin on her head, neck, and shoulders. Jace shook his head, unable to hide the slightest of smirks as he gazed upon the woman. Her pale white skin held the slightest tinge of silver, her golden strands of hair complimenting the tone magnificently.

But Jace was not one to succumb to material beauty. The woman’s teasing expression faded somewhat and she looked rather irritated when he refused to come to her. She beckoned again, more firmly, and still Jace did not come. Her expression immediately turned to outright frustration, her patience already burned away, and a low growl could be heard as she crossed her scaly arms in irritation under the water.

“I come seeking a prediction.” Jace said, his words loud and clear, so he would not be misunderstood.

Her expression turned from resentment to glee in an instant, and the water woman nodded vigorously, once again motioning for Jace to enter the water. This time with a slightly more prominent smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he saw through her deceit, he once again turned her down by shaking his head. With a small sigh, she nodded in acceptance, and extended a single pale finger from below to touch were the water met the air. A single golden scaled fingernail gleamed on each of her finger tips as she stroked the water in small circles. Her eyes were distant, seeing somewhere far from the present; seeing into the future. As she did so, a small image appeared on the water’s surface, shimmering in harmony with the ripples that decorated the deep blue abyss.

The unmoving image consisted of Jace facing a human girl. Jace scowled immediately, knowing how such a prediction would end.

“I already knew that!” he exclaimed in frustration. It was obvious that he would be meeting a human in the near future, what else would he use to save himself from endless torture?

The water woman grinned, revealing two opposite rows of vicious looking pink tinted teeth, filed to a point. Still not seeing the present around her, but rather something that has not yet come, she put a finger to her pale lips and indicated that Jace should continue to watch the image. Though he saw no point in viewing this poor girl’s demise before he killed her, he obeyed and watched.

As he watched, the image began to move. In the image, Jace was standing tall and still. There was the smallest hint of a breeze and he watched his own messy dark blonde locks move to the flow of the air. His eyes seemed unusually wary as he faced the human before him. In the image, all Jace could see was the girl’s back. Her hair was extraordinarily long, well below her hips. It was dark, too. Her hair was the darkest shade of black Jace had seen in a long time. In the image, she approached the unmoving Jace with small, calculating steps. Her hands were before her, as if showing Jace he had nothing to fear. What a thought! A human consoling a vampire!

As the vision progressed, the girl approached closer and closer to Jace until they were hardly a foot apart, Jace looking down into the girl’s face with wary eyes He waited for it to happen. He waited for the instant he would reach out, and her life would end, leaving her blood to become the remedy to heal Jace’s agony. But that moment did not come.

Rather, the girl put her arms tight around Jace’s torso, pressing her face into his chest. The present Jace watched in fascination as he saw himself hold this small human as though she were more precious than the world itself. Slowly the premonition faded. But before it was completely gone, Jace saw a flash of movement. Though he could not make out had happened before the image was gone, he distinctly saw the blood.

Forgetting himself for an instant, he reached out to the water, as if attempting to grasp the image. The water woman immediately went to action, snatching hold of his arm and clutching with all her might. If Jace had not been an immortal being with a faster and stronger body than most any other, he might not have had the strength to rip away from the water woman’s embrace before she could pull him to the bottom of her pond.

Jace darted away from the pond, running quickly to distance himself from the water woman. From a long ways away, she could still be heard screaming in fury, her screeching high voice enraged to no end.


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Last edited by Dreamwriter on Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:28 am; edited 2 times in total
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Conrad Rice   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. Since this is a prologue I won't make my usual complaint of tell me more, since more is forthcoming. Jace seems real enough for a fictional character, which I like. I like the way you keep just what he is a secret until near the end. Your descriptions were very beautiful and I loved them. Hope to see the rest of the story soon. kudos.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked how you didn't come out and say, Jace is a vampire. You let the reader wonder, think and guess why he would need to kill to survive.

One thing I would change is that you are overly descriptive of his movements. Yes, he jumped high in the air, but it is unneccessary to tell that he looked like he was doing the splits. This is supposed to be a fast scene, yet the over-description of his movement slows it down, making the reader have to think carefully and really visualize what's going on.

Quote:
shook his head no with a small twitch to the side

Explaining how he indicated no is not required. Most people are familiar with the shaking of one's head and do not need to be explained to about it.

Quote:
his words loud and clear, so he would not be misunderstood.

Again, I think you are over-explaining. Let the reader figure out that he didn't want to be misunderstood. It's no fun, for me at least, to have to have everything explained as if I was a toddler.

Quote:
single golden scale finger nail

Is it a scale, or a finger nail? It doesn't make complete sense for it to be both. Obviously if there is a golden scale on the end of her fingers, it's a fingernail. You could leave off either scale or finger nail and it will be just fine.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is wondefully written. It works well as an opening scene, becase it draw's the reader in. I hope, though, that you will work in some of the mechanics of the world your working in. The nystery works fir a little while, but we get bored if we can't figure out what's going on.

Does this have a working title? I'd like to beable to read new segments.

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This thread was created on April 28, 2008

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