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'Ne Sileas, Ne Sileas,' he pleads.
'Ne Sileas, Ne Sileas,' he pleads.

by Reason Invalid in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on April 14, 2008
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Eleven Days In Hell #2
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Eleven Days In Hell #1
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Flemzo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Eleven Days In Hell #1 Reply with quote

Eleven days was all she was given. The message came on her cell phone, and at first she didn’t mind—weird text message forwards like this were sent by the thousands every day. But when she got the feeling that she was being followed, it suddenly became much more than a stupid little text forward.

“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”

It was approaching 5:30 PM on August 25, exactly eleven days since she received the text, and she was a nervous wreck. Who sent the message? How would she die? Would anyone notice? The questions ran through her head at a thousand miles an hour as a black figure drew up behind her. She didn’t even see the weapon strike as she fell to the ground, dead.

The figure walked away. He pulled out his cell phone, and began typing a new message:

“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”

The figure hit a “Random Number” feature on his phone, and waited.

CHAPTER ONE

Detective Arnold Baxter rolled up to the corner of Cherry St. and Oxford Blvd. in his 1996 Lincoln Continental. It was 6:30 PM on August 25, but the temperature in Lorendo, Texas was still a steaming 89 degrees. He wiped the sweat from his brow, walked over to the police tape, and flashed his badge. The officer at the tape let him through, and he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts taking pictures and collecting evidence to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth. Police Chief Kevin Bradley stood next to the body, and quickly glanced over at Arnold when he approached.

“Kristen Marquez, age 23,” said Kevin. “She was found here by a passerby. Nobody saw who killed her, or with what. No evidence on the body, no evidence around the area that we know of yet. We’re running cold.”

“Christ,” said Arnold. “Not the best way to end the day.”

“Don’t I know it.”

Arnold lifted the sheet from Kristen’s body, and sighed at the mess. A gaping wound in the back of her neck made the head sit at an unnatural angle. Blood pooled at the wound and started to run down the parking lot. Her eyes were wide open, which seemed to indicate that the attack was a surprise, and she died instantly.

“You didn’t bother to close the eyes?” Arnold asked.

“We contacted the family, and they said that she told them she wanted to be cremated anyway, so we just never did it,” replied Kevin.

Arnold shrugged. “It’s a good prank to pull on the coroner.”

Kevin chuckled, and then turned to answer a question from one of his officers. Arnold continued to examine the body.

Kristen was still clutching her purse, an indication that the motive was not theft; her clothes were unruffled, indicating no molestation or rape. Arnold looked around the area, and wondered why anyone would try to kill someone in the middle of the busiest intersection in Lorendo. He determined the preliminary motive as a “kill for thrill”.

Arnold rose as the coroner returned to collect the body. She lifted the white sheet, screamed, and smacked a now laughing Chief Bradley. Only sick humor seeps out of police work.

Arnold smiled, and felt the familiar buzz of his cell phone in his pocket. He took it out to see “ONE NEW MESSAGE” flash across the screen. He flipped open his phone, and read the message:

“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”

On August 25, at 7:00 PM, the countdown began with a sniper bullet whizzing past his ear and into the skull of one of the officers.


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Last edited by Flemzo on Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:21 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I do like the sick humor here, it does have it's place in a scene like this. I like that you played it out the way that you did, and cops do use sick humor to play off a sad situation. It kinda helps the deal with it, and I'm glad you acknowledged that.

Your characters are believable and the dialogue wasn't boring.

So far I am interested, and that's good.

Pretty much I like this a bunch and can't wait for the next chapter Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really want to know the motive of the killer and why eleven days. Lol.

So far, so good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the succeeding chapters. Hope it doesn't wreck that good start-up. Don't disappoint! I'd love to to read all of em. Smile

<3 JACE

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good. Smile


Quote:
He wiped the sweat from his brow, and walked over to the police tape. He flashed his badge, and the officer at the tape let him through. He made his way around


You have started these three sentences with 'He' and it sounds a bit repetitive.

Quote:
Kristen was still clutching her purse, and indication that the motive was not theft;


I think you meant 'an' instead of 'and'.

Quote:
“ONE NEW MESSAGE”


I'm not sure you should be using caps...

Overall, it's really good work.

Peace V Razz
Inky

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm hooked. From the very first line you had my interest. I like the idea of the text message. Something so silly, generally to be ignored by recipients. It's a good idea.
The way you pertrayed the crime scene was realistic and the fact that the next victim targeted is a cop makes for an interesting twist. I look forward to reading more

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
in his 1996 Lincoln Continental.


CApatilize the I.


Not too bad. WHen you post more tell me. ^_^

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maki-chan, it shouldn't be a capital 'I' there, it isn't the beginning of a sentence. Wink

However, because you've used abbreviations for boulevard and street it does look a little odd here.

I liked this though, a lot, it was an interesting beginning, and the sick humour was great, although I was a little confused by the part about not closing her eyes.

It doesn't make any sense; why would you contact the family when they'd only just been killed, and why would they tell them they wanted to be cremated? Does this make a difference? Confused Apart from the fact that unless they're a forensic examiner, they wouldn't even touch the body, they certainly wouldn't examine it until it was on the autopsy table.

This sentence also confused me.

Quote:
Blood pooled at the wound and started to run down the parking lot.


Do you mean it had done this, or it was doing it right then; because in that case, once you're dead your blood congeals very quickly, so that's unlikely.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Detective Arnold Baxter rolled up to the corner of Cherry St. and Oxford Blvd. in his 1996 Lincoln Continental. It was 6:30 PM on August 25, but the temperature in Lorendo, Texas was still a steaming 89 degrees. He wiped the sweat from his brow, walked over to the police tape, and flashed his badge. The officer at the tape let him through, and he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts taking pictures and collecting evidence to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth. Police Chief Kevin Bradley stood next to the body, and quickly glanced over at Arnold when he approached.


TELLING! That first sentence was so... blah! And so was the paragraph!

I'm sorry, was that too mean? I really don't want to sound harsh, but after that first paragraph, I had to stop.

What's up with going into every last detail? 1996 Lincoln Continental?? Well, this is just an opinion, but I really could care less about cars. Up to the point where I don't even know what that car even looks like.

I want you to show me!

That intro before the chapter was great. 'Eleven days was all she was given'. I like that. I also like the idea, even though it sounds a lot like some movies I've seen or mangas I've read.
But then again *points to sig* I like cliche. But seriously 'The Ring' kept flashing into my head up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

But then again, who am I to judge? I'm not so great myself, am I?

But that first paragraph seriously needs work!

It's just my opinion, though. You don't have to take it to heart! (Sorry, I felt like a total party pooper right now.)

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:48 pm    Post subject: Re: Eleven Days In Hell #1 Reply with quote

Flemzo wrote:
The officer at the tape let him through, and he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts taking pictures and collecting evidence to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth.


This part confused me. It might just be me, but it just didn't seem to read very easily. When I first read it, it sounded like the forensic experts were "collecting evidence to the body", which made no sense. I think some commas might help it read a little easier:

"...he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts, busy taking pictures and collecting evidence, to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth."

Other than that, I liked it. There was something good about the general atmosphere of the crime scene. The dialogue and the characters were believable and realistic.

Flemzo wrote:
It was 6:30 PM on August 25, but the temperature in Lorendo, Texas was still a steaming 89 degrees.


And I liked this bit. For some reason, the numbers, particularly the temperature, set the tone of the piece. It's straight to the point and rather brash, and that tone carries on throughout the piece. I like it.

I'll look forward to reading more.

Josh
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a good start. I liked how at the end you used a kind of shocking, yet simple statement to draw us readers into the next chapter/part.

"Only sick humor seeps out of police work. "
This sentence is a little too deep for me. I kind of understand the concept, but a sentence like this in the middle of a story like that seems out of place. Maybe if you used less formal (by this I mean seeps and humor) language, it would make more sense. For example, you could say, "Leave it to a cop to make a joke like that at a time like this." It takes away some of the feel of educational-ness.

I think you made a good decision not to elaborate too much on the character of the girl who died. My one qualm is that you could have told more about her follower: did he kept popping up everywhere, running into her at the grocery store, or did she just see him in the corner of her eye? This might draw us in and make us care more about her and not just think she's overreacting or being paranoid.

Way to keep it light in a death scene!

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you got me hooked. Definitely reading on. Couldn't spot any errors that hadn't already been pointed out.

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