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KJ
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 Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: Needles and Roses - Chap. 2 |
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I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
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Last edited by KJ on Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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mindoverflow812
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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Well done KJ! I really enjoy your style. One small tip, though, check your descriptions, because some of them tend to get a little overlong. Also, there are some grammatical errors, but that is just editing. All in all, it's a very good beginning. I like the mystery and the intrigue a lot. Keep it up! 
-Overflow |
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deavarna_satina
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| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
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Oh no, did you have to stop there? I was completely absorbed! I can see that you are getting into the meat of the story now and I am liking where you are taking it. As before, your descriptions are great and I love the old England setting. I like that Rachel seems to have so many flaws; it makes her character more realistic and easier to relate to.
I tend to think that in novels present tense doesn't work, but you are pulling it off nicely. Just some editing work to do, but you have already acknowladged that. I think there were a few spots where you need to rearrange the sentences, but I was too absorbed to take note so I got to the end and realised I didn't edit at all. If you'd like me to go back over it and pick out the mistakes, let me know.
The biggest problem; that it ended! Dying to read more, so let me know when chapter 3 is available! |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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Here you go!
~JFW1415 |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good chapter. I particularly liked the description of the man and the use of phonetic spelling for his mother's speech, a well used technique. I think your description of the dark alleys could have been better and that of the shack could have been extended and prolonged but in general, this was well written. The development or Violet and Danielle was nice – it's good that you're introducing some of the other maids – and the continuation of the gossip about murder is good.
I think, however that the fortune could have been better. As it is, it's a little unoriginal – woman's eyes go glazed, woman falls into a trance and voice speaks through her telling of change and danger – so maybe try to describe what happens more and add your own unique twist. Maybe her eyes become intensely focused instead of glazed? It's up to you though.
So in general, I liked it. I've pointed out a few places where you've used a modern phrase or word which you need to be careful of but it's well written and the plot is increasingly interesting and the characters fun and believable. As before, I'll e-mail you the specific comments in just a moment,
Heather xx |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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| alright, i didn't finish, but i will later. if you're going to stick with present tense, STAY CONSISTENT. the beginning was all over the place. |
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Esmé
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, critiqued no 2. Heh... and extension isn't allowed. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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| *EDITED* |
_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! This chapter is probably one of my favourites. I love the image of all these girls surrounded by needles, thread and fabric and chattering amongst themselves. I think Beatrice's personality is very strong here and you characterise the other maids nicely but it outlines that the character of Rachel is still a little weak. She's a strange mix of strong and weak and such a reserved character that we really don't find much through her interaction with others. However, I do like her thoughts on their conversations. That works well.
You could have more description here, particularly of the dress, of the feel of the material, of how the room gradually gets stuffier with the heat and perhaps Rachel's growing irritation. Maybe extend the scene and have something go wrong and have to be un-picked. Have a lull in the talk while they hurry to fix it. Afterall, this is your shortest chapter.
Some suggestions and comments:
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“Fran, hurry up! We have to go!” I hear a girl running down the hall, and I my eyes grow wide with panic; I’m late. |
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“You’ve read too many novels, dear,” her adversary, I know her name is Whitney, [You've told us her name in the above line of dialogue so this is unnecessary.] says aloofly. “Dream all you want.” |
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| People are already milling about the streets. There are rough-looking men hauling crates filled with oranges, eggs, and bread. Small boys run about shouting out the headline for today’s newspaper. [There'd be more than one paper so it should be headlines for today's papers. Maybe list a few too. They're of interest to the story, especially if they talk of more murders.] People gabble and shout among the shrill neighing of horses drawing carriages. Chickens in cages squawk, and the laugher of children rings out. |
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| Once inside I adjust my hair. The household is already awake and the day has started without me. I selfishly hope that there is less work to do, seeing as how it has started without me. [A little repetitive. Perhaps 'I selfishly hope that my tardiness results in less work for myself.'] |
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“Good,” she says briskly, clutching tightly at the stair rail, and plodding on slowly. She’s wincing slightly, as if in pain. “All the sewing is taking place in the drawing room, seeing as all the bedrooms are in use [Too much explanation for a simple servant.]and the master is in his study. Beatrice is sewing today, as well.” She glances sideways at me, and I am under the impression that Jillian has tried to do me a kindness by putting me together with my only friend. It’s common knowledge that Beatrice doesn’t sew very well. |
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Once again Jillian doesn’t bother giving me time to speak. “You may all have supper when you’ve finished. Do not linger in the kitchen as you usually do. Grace has much more to do today than entertain the maids. The Nathanials are having company tonight.” She takes the pile from me, grumbling something about how short of notice she’s been given about the guests the short notice. |
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| “Clean up the room after you’ve finished with it,” she tosses over her shoulder. [Too modern a phrase and I've come to expect a more refined narrative from your character. Perhaps 'mumbles' or 'orders'.] |
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| I open the large oak door to thedrawing [You're missing a space between the and drawing.] room and step inside. The room is aglow with soft oil lamps. Books align the walls, as they do in Mr. Nathnial’s study. There is little furniture besides two small chairs tucked away in the corner, and a large table in the middle of the carpeted floor. The table is littered with sewing supplies, and the silk fabric is in pieces everywhere. About six girls are working, chatting quietly. |
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| “Oh, don’t mind them. Here,” Beatrice hands me a bolt of the material. “Get to work. This is for a sleeve. These are Miss Nathanial’s arm measurements [Comma here.] written down here,” she thrusts a piece of paper at me, “and here’s the material for the other sleeve. Harriet there is working on the bodice, and you two will work together on attaching them later.” |
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| “Will we be able to finish by the end of today?” I ask doubtfully, picking up some thread and finding a needle under all the various things on the table.What’s [You need a space between table and what's.] been accomplished so far is minimal, to say in the least. |
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“Of course.” Beatrice bites off the end of her thread. She carefully sits back and studies her piece. She is struggling with her own project. If all is not well any one of us can be replaced. Mistakes are a luxury we do not have. “We’ve no choice,” she goes on. “The mistress will have our heads if we don’t. Her precious little Laura must have everything her heart desires.” Disdain fills my friend’s voice; we all have intense dislike for the youngest woman in the household. I turn to look up at the portrait of the girl over [Perhaps above?] the mantel. It does her justice. She is umistakeably unmistakably rich, pretentious in her extravagant gown, and her wide pink lips are pouting. One of her small, slightly pudgy hands holds a tiny white dog that I’ve haven’t seen since I’ve I started work here. |
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We work in silence for a time. I focus on not poking holes in my fingers and sewing the sleeve properly. If I were to make the slightest error of any kind, Miss Nathanial would surely see to it I am dismissed. She is not a mistress of considerate inclinations. I cannot afford to lose my postion position here—it is difficult for me to lie at an interview about my background. I don’t want to do it again. |
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| “Violet, there is too [I'd remove the 'too' because it makes Beatrice sound too young, almost whiny.] some good in it,” Beatrice says soothingly. “It gives us something to do on a rainy day when we’re shut up in the drawing room making a dreary old dress!” |
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| I concentrate on the sleeve I’m working on again. I feel several eyes upon me. “Oh,” I say. Beatrice studies me from the corner of her eye. [Don't have her return to work straight away. She needs to put on a plaster first or a lint bandage. She can't risk getting blood on the material. Have Beatrice offer her one perhaps; if she's not good with a needle she's more likely to have some.] |
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| The hours pass in the small [Comma here.] hot room, and the girls find other things to talk about. They speak of the upcoming horse races, the juicy pieces of gossip, and all the latest fashions. |
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I smile at her gratefully and almost run hurry through the doors. |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 1:37 am Post subject: GREATNESS! |
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Haha...once again this was a great chapter. Okay so there was so much I loved about it.
*started out slow and gradually picked up speed.
*awesome
*good description and detail
*awesome
*and o yeah....awesome!
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Moriah Leila
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: |
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You are pulling me in deeper and deeper. I am so curiuos about Rachel's past and who this elligible bachelor is. Seems there is some sort of past with those two. Just a few minor nitpiks.
IN the first chapter you mentioned that Amy's dress was cut in the latest fashion. You said it again when the maids were gossiping. TO be quite honest I think it s lazy to say the dress was styled in the latest fashion. I want to know exactly what the latest fashion was at that time. I know it will take some research, but if you can successfully describe what they are wearing it will make your story more realistic.
Also I think with the dress there would be more completed. Just the day before it was a bolt of fabric and now VIOLA, a complete dress. Even with six girls sewing I dont think it is probable for the dress to be completed in a day. Perhaps the sleeves and part of the skirt is already sewn. Back then the dresses were very complex. Furthermore I think there should be a final fitting on the Mistress to make sure the dress fits perfectly.
My final nitpick, is why does Rachel get orders from her friend? Especially if Beatrice is not that good of a seamstress? Perhaps you could have a master seamstress that is overlooking the whole ordeal. And Rachel also asks Beatrice for permission to leave which seems odd. You could have Jillian come in to check on their progress and then order Rachel to go help the cook with dishes. Idk.
Other than that (and the present tense) I think this story is developing nicely. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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This was really short but it was great chapter nonetheless. From previous comments, it seems to me that you've changed a lot and took out some scenes. Though I wonder what it was like before....
Anyways, I found a few problems.
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The moment I wake, I am aware of all the work ahead of me. It makes the actual sitting up and leaving my bed harder. I try not to remember a time when I didn’t have to get up if I didn’t want to.
“Fran, hurry up! We have to go!” I hear a girl running down the hall, and I my eyes grow wide with panic; I’m late. |
The beginning of the chapter was a bit bland. Its supposed to immediately pull the reader back in. It lacks carbs and sugar. Perhaps a couple of sentence before the "Fran..." bit would be nice.
Also, when I read it out loud, they sounded phonetic and robotic to my ears. Transition and reword is my advice to you.
Oh and it says ", and I my eyes grow..." it should be "and my eyes grow..."
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I ready myself hastily, but I have no time to wash. I do the best I can, splashing my face and neck with water. Once I am properly attired in my crisp uniform with my coat over one arm, I swiftly descend the stair. |
You can do a bit better, I think.
Try: I hastily ready myself. Having not a moment to wash, I do the best I can by splashing my face and neck with water. Once I am properly attired in a crisp uniform and my coat, I swiftly head downstairs.
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“It’s hardly a laughing matter, Whitney!” one of the girls snarls to another across the table. I pause to listen as I try to get my cap to stay on.
“You’ve read too many novels, dear,” her adversary, I know her name is Whitney, says aloofly. “Dream all you want.” |
Try:
"It's hardly a laughing matter!" a girl said, snarling at her adversary. I pause to listen as I try to get my hat to stay on. (you didn't mention her grabbing a cap and hat would sound more appropriate)
"You've read too many novels, dear," Whitney, said aloofly.
"I will," the girl retorts.
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People are already milling about the streets. There are rough-looking men hauling crates filled with oranges, eggs, and bread. Small boys run about shouting out the headline for today’s newspaper. People gabble and shout among the shrill neighing of horses drawing carriages. Chickens in cages squawk, and the laugher of children rings out.
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These sentences flow well and its lovely imagery.
Oh, there was other things that I found but I really am losing focus, so I'll do another critique with the rest later, I promise.
Overall, I'm going to keep reading, though it might take some time. I love it so far!
Ta for now,
~Angel |
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