Topic ID: 29239
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J.C. Belding
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 Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:13 am Post subject: A Ranger in the Night |
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Silence.
All he ever heard.
All he ever knew.
And so,
Silent
He became.
A brother of the wind.
A kinsman of the shadow.
Silence.
He abides in the void,
Allied by two.
His bow,
And his quiver.
Twenty-one arrows,
Sharp,
Cunning,
Beautiful.
Each one,
A tear,
Shed in times long past.
In days,
Before.
Before.
One word,
One thousand memories.
Felicity.
Freedom.
Love.
Hope.
All felt,
Before.
But then,
It came.
A plague of sorrow,
Exclusive,
To him,
And to her.
A moment of death.
A lifetime,
Of pain.
And so there he stood.
A ranger in the night.
Hearing none,
But the silence. |
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Kyte
Fantasy guru
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73 Points
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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And so, silent
He became. |
Don't end the sentence there. It's not complete.
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He abides in the void,
Aided by two.
His bow,
And his quiver. |
Might work better as,
"He abides in the void
Aided by two-- his bow and his quiver." |
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We are the Folk, and tonight we speak in one voice of the deeds of all.
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Well even amazing writers mess up now and again. I'm sorry to say this happened for ya:
| Quote: |
Silence.
All he ever heard.
All he ever knew.
And so,
Silent
He became.
A brother of the wind.
A kinsman of the shadow.
Silence. |
I don't like the repetiton of All and A. Nor how ya start, it doesn't hook me. The best lines the longest two. I'd suggest working these into a rewrite where you change this into a less one word a line poem.
| Quote: |
He abides in the void,
Allied by two.
His bow,
And his quiver. |
Sorry, I'm tearing this apart, but my main problem with this verse is quiver. It only carries the arrows. Change quiver to arrows.
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Twenty-one arrows,
Sharp,
Cunning,
Beautiful.
Each one,
A tear,
Shed in times long past.
In days,
Before. |
Try a different word other than arrows and try to explain how they are. Show how they are. Also can twenty-one arrows fit in a quiver?
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Before.
One word,
One thousand memories.
Felicity.
Freedom.
Love.
Hope.
All felt,
Before. |
I don't understand this... and I don't like repetition of one, another suggestion put ellipces at the end of the stanza more effective.
| Quote: |
But then,
It came.
A plague of sorrow,
Exclusive,
To him,
And to her.
A moment of death.
A lifetime,
Of pain. |
Who is this HER is it personifying the bow? Seriously the structure of this poem doesn't help it at all.
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And so there he stood.
A ranger in the night.
Hearing none,
But the silence. |
Rather pathetic ending. From all you said, it ends just so half hearted.
Overall: My belief is you're not used to this type of structure and did it for school or something. I know you can do much better. So it's saddening you chose to try this structure. I see a wonderful idea wasted in a half hearted structure. I'm really extremely sorry this is so harsh. Hope this helps
Good luck
VSN |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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I'm in agreence with Vernon. He took the words right out my mouth.  |
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andreaj811
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| Even though there were very few words, I felt I could picture what you were talking about. However, I still felt it was a little choppy in some places. You might want to add in a few more descriptors or detail, just to make it a little deeper or give it some more background. My favorite line was "A brother of the wind" and I feel that if you use more lines like that it will make your poem even better than it already is. Great job though :] |
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zoeybird13024
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not going to nitpick--there's nothing to nitpick, actually! There were few words, but it was a beautiful poem. Lovely flow and everything. I saw a lack of descriptive words, however, and I think you should add a few more for depth. I really like this poem--other than adding a few descriptive words, it was excellent!!!
-x-Ashes |
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3-Damentional
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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| I have to say that it is a bit confusing. Where did the girl come from and what was he supposed to be doing in the shadows? Other than those small obstacles, I understood it. I especially like the 4th stanza. |
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