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deafwriter_19
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 Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: Glass Walls |
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Oh, oh yeah...
[Intro Verse]
Feeling the life charging around me
Taking every little thing in
Watching the river flow and go on
[Verse 1]
Feel the lava underneath
With every earthquake
Shivering from every raindrop
On my skin
[Chorus]
But I cannot be a part of it
No, I can’t be a part of you
These glass walls separate me from them
These glass walls block
Our screams out
[Verse 2]
I watch you laugh with your friends
Watch you kiss your lover
When I know you know
I’m the person who’s touched your heart
[Chorus]
[Bridge]
But don’t worry, my darling
The walls can be broken down
It has happened before
And it can happen again
Oh, oh, whoa-oh
It will happen again
It will happen again (2x)
Oh-oh-whoa
[Chorus]
[Exit Verse]
These walls will break down
And soon we will have nothing to fear |
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Last edited by deafwriter_19 on Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:59 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Tag
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there
I'm not much of a fan of reading lyrics, but this is really good.
I love the imagery you've used, the contrast of a river of lava and glass walls works brilliantly.
'These walls will break down / And soon we will have nothing to fear' - I also like the way you've started with a stormy kind of opening and ended with 'nothing to fear', that's quite powerful.
The bridge seems a little off subject to the rest, but maybe I'm just not getting it.
Like I said, I don't usually read lyrics, so this critique probably isn't very helpful, but well done. This is a great piece of work, keep it up.
And welcome to YWS  |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey!
I'm not much of a lyrics person either, unfortunately, so I am useless for a critique, but this was quite original. The few other lyrics I have read have been emo and ridiculous, but this was different; there was something really true about it, and I'm not exactly sure how.
The words didn't trip over eachother like mine sometimes do and you didn't try to pack too much into one verse. Another thing I find often, especially in myself, is the mistake of trying to say too much at once and not knowing how to trim it down into something comprehensible to someone besides yourself. But you didn't seem to make this mistake, it was clear and beautiful.
I look forward to reading more of whatever you come up with. Good work. ^_^ |
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Flame11
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:02 am Post subject: Glass Walls |
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| This is GREAT! From what i understand, it's about deafness being a blockade from the hearing world. And you were very clear about the words. I think by "Bridge" you mean Chorus... Not really sure about that. But otherwise, it's great! |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:51 am Post subject: Response to F11, CI, and Tag's reviews |
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Wow, Flame11! I was surprised to get your review. It is kind of about predjuice and racism and all that, but mostly it's about money classes (upper, middle, lower) and about social groups in school, work, etc.
ChernInclin...your review made me strut around a little bit. I was very flattered by your praise. I like how you told me about the verse stuffing, because then I'm going to keep an eye out for that. Thanks very much for reviewing and I will post up other stuff ASAP.
Tag, thanks for the compliment on the imagery. And also, thanks for applauding me on the light ending because I wasn't really sure how it was gonna work, but your review got my nerves settled down. Also, I changed the bridge...might wanna check it again. Thanks for reviewing. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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This flows really well in places but some of the lines feel a touch out of place; I think it needs just a little tidying up. For example, in your first two verses:
[Intro Verse]
Feeling the life charging around me [I'm not sure what sort of tune you're thinking of but this feels a touch jerky to me. I'd suggest maybe 'Feeling the life that charges around me'.]
Taking every little thing in
Watching the river flow and go on [I think you need to add another line or two to this verse, extending the imagery of the river. You brush across some really pretty images but I think you could probe just a little deeper.]
[Verse 1]
Feel the lava underneath
With every earth shake [Maybe earthquake rather than earth shake.]
Shivering from every raindrop
On my skin [I like the last two lines of this verse.]
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Also, I'd suggest removing that 'oh' from the chorus -
| Quote: |
These glass walls block, oh
Our screams out |
because it just doesn't make sense for the singer to pause there.
Lyrics are hard to critique as the reader can only guess at what music or tune they would be sung to but I think these are good. The words are quite simple but as a whole, your lyrics are meaningful and pretty. |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 5:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, kitty15! I did most of what you suggested and I must admit it does flow much easier. Thanks! |
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JC
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:02 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry I don't have much advice, as it's all been taken care of by Kitty. I think the whoa-oh-ah's can be taken out though, because they aren't exactly lyrics, they're effects, but that's just my person veiw on it.
I like the images you created with this, so keep up the good work
(Sorry I couldn't give you much of a critique)
-JC |
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deavarna_satina
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| Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:45 am Post subject: |
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| These are some powerful lyrics. I don't normally haunt the lyrics catagory, but these really struck a chord. It would be awsome to put them to music! And being hearing impaired, I'm plesantly suprised at the quality, considering it's lyrics to a song! I look forward to reading more of your work. Big tick |
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christy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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I had to read it a couple times trying to get a rhythm in my head, but I really liked it. The contrasting images in verse 1 are interesting (for lack of a better term). I like the image of glass walls. It's artistically profound and up there with clocks and keys in my mind.
For some reason, I particularly liked the lines 'It has happened before/And it can happen again'. I just really like those lines for whatever reason. It might be because I would it really easy to find a rhythm in my head for them.
Over all, enjoyable and including some great imagery.
Christy |
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david2oo8
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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As was said im not a fan of reading lyrics but this was very well done
I dont know what kind of tune you were thinking of in your head but when i was reading it sounded really good and great use of imagery |
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Anonamuse
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: |
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| I liked your lyrics, but they seemed to be lacking something. I can't put my finger on it, but it does seem to be missing something. I think I only think that because I couldn't get the rythm in my head. Oh well. |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, Ross!
What to say? Well, it left me breatheless there's a start. It's so true, and the truth hurts but it is true. I love this! If someone didn't I don't know what's wrong with them. This was so great! As you may know I love writing lyrics and poems and I'm a freak about storybooks on YWS. This is really good you have a great talent of writing lyrics. I just... I love this!!!!!
your friend
-Max |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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Oh wow, this is great! I love the chorus and bridge. Nice title, too.
Your W.I.C. (writer in crime >: D),
Jion. |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
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Hey, buddy. What's up?
Nice little song you've got here. It's really creative and the title rocks. Seriously.
Huh...
| Quote: |
[Intro Verse]
Feeling the life charging around me
Taking every little thing in
Watching the river flow and go on |
The first line was by far the best out of the 3. It had rhythm. What happened to the last two? It faded. I would take out the 'on' on the last line. It creates a rhyme and flows a little smoother.
| Quote: |
[Verse 1]
Feel the lava underneath
With every earthquake
Shivering from every raindrop
On my skin |
Okay, again, you had a good rhythm on the first line and the third this time. It's just those other two aren't cutting it man. Try to read it with an accent. If you are musical, you know what I mean. *may go a little musical here*
In a 4/4 time, the accents land on the beat 1 & 3. So it's like " duh dum duh dum."
With poetry and lyrics, it has to have this beat - this pulse. Some poetry doesn't and it just doesn't work for me.
Amazingly enough, I really enjoyed the last couple of bits. It's a creative idea, and you've got a creative mind.
Good job, man!
-Jared |
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