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SimonCowellLuver
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 Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: Prologue To My Life As A Teenage Vampire. |
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Hello I am Max Madison. What your are soon going to be reading is a little awkward because it can't really happen. At least that is what some people have said.
Some people thought I was crazy, but I wasn't that is for sure. Alright it was the beginning of my junior year of high school and I was really excited. I was a really smart student I never got below a B-. I always got an A in chemistry because it was my favorite subject.
Then when something horribly wrong caused the school into flames everything changed since that day. I died trying to save a friend but actually I wasn't dead. This weird guy in a mask told me that if I wanted to become human i had to drink the blood of the person who started the fire. My chemistry teacher caused the fire and it was bad to.
Well if you want to know more PM me and I will tell you. |
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The Drowsy Kaye
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hello!
While this could be an interesting story, there are way, WAY, too many grammar, and punctuation mistakes for it to be taken seriously. It's possible that you are from a foreign country, which might explain the disjointed English, but anyways.
This could be something worth the read. Just tighten up the grammar and punctuation.
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Bella
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: Re: Prologue To My Life As A Teenage Vampire. |
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| SimonCowellLuver wrote: |
Hello, I am Max Madison. What you are soon going to be reading is a little awkward because it can't really happen. At least that is what some people have said.
Some people thought I was crazy, but I wasn't that is for sure. All right, it was the beginning of my junior year of high school and I was really excited. I was a really smart student I never got below a B-. I always got an A in chemistry because it was my favorite subject. Those last two lines could be reworked. Something like "I always did fairly well in school, a B average; usually better in Chemistry though, because it was my favorite." or something like that.
Then, when something horribly wrong causing the school to burst into flames, everything changed. since that day.
I died trying to save a friend. I would reword this. Perhaps elaborate on what happened, unless you're going to do that later. Either way, this leaves a lot of openings.
Actually, I only thought I was dead. This weird guy in a mask told me that if I wanted to become human i had to drink the blood of the person who started the fire. I would describe this guy a lot more. Describe what he looked like. Describe the scene. Perhaps something where the narrator and this...man...are in the middle of the fire. The narrator scared out of his/her mind, and talking to the man about what s/he needs to do in order to live. Not so much "become human," because if s/he's a vampire, s/he's not human. My chemistry teacher caused the fire and it was bad too. What does this sentence mean? Does it mean it was a bad fire, or that it was too bad that the narrator had to kill the teacher?
Well if you want to know more PM me and I will tell you.[/color] |
(My changes are in red, suggestions in indigo)
This sounds pretty interesting, but could definately use some work. I highlighted what I saw.
A few questions/suggestions, although I may be reitterating:
-This could be lengthened. A lot.
-I think you should go into detail about the scene. The narrator is in the middle of the fire. How is s/he feeling? What does it look like?
-Going along with that, what about this weird guy? What does he look like? How does he act? How does the character respond to this guy? Personally, if some guy told me I had to drink blood to live, I would tell him he was insane.
-What's it like, drinking this teacher's blood? Does it taste a certain way? Can the character smell it?
You could use some character development. If you're going to write in first person, your narrator needs to have a distinct voice. If s/he doesn't, it will be unpleasant, boring, and somewhat confusing for the reader. Right now your character seems unsure, contradicting of his/her self, and so on.
If you want have any questions, or you want my opinion on something else, feel free to PM me. 
Merry Writing!
~Bella~ |
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teenweirdo
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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| I agree with all of Bella's changes that she made. It really does sound interesting, though. I would want to read more if the mistakes were fixed. I hope the rest of your story goes well! |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 1:26 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Bella and teenweirdo that this would be a very intersting story...if only you legthened it and put some action in it.
This is WAY too short to critique fully but I did catch one thing:
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| Some people thought I was crazy, but I wasn't that is for sure. |
This needs to be reworded or add a comma after wasn't. Or you could split this into two different sentences like this: Some people thought I was crazy. But I wasn't, that's for sure.
Umm, otherwise, you have a good start here but you definitely need to stretch this out to make this more of a story.
I think this could be interesting so PM me if you decide to continue it cause this sounds like a very good read!
Keep Writing! |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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Wait.... what?
This prologue doesn't really make sense. At all. Throw away this prologue and come up with the interesting story instead. This doesn't tell you anything, it doesn't inspire the reader to continue reading, and otherwise doesn't catch. The idea promises to be good (about the chemistry student turned vampire) so continue with this story, but the prologue is icky. |
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