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Aet Lindling, Conqueror of All Dare Challenge Him Part I
Aet Lindling, Conqueror of All Dare Challenge Him Part I

by Aet Lindling in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Non-Fiction

This thread was created on April 27, 2008
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She is so Perfect - Chapter One: Sunday Bloody Sunday

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Sacred   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:26 am    Post subject: She is so Perfect - Chapter One: Sunday Bloody Sunday Reply with quote

This is very rough okay, I'm still working on. I just need your opinions on how its going. I am going to add more soon, its just I ran out of time.

Please don't be too harsh because I'm still working on it! Got it?

She is so Perfect [it hurts]

Chapter One: Sunday Bloody Sunday

Slimy rain slunk between the red sun drained bricks. Crystal droplets cobbled the exploding field of water that seemed to fall from the sky. People suited in raincoats and umbrellas hurried by. The occasional unprepared one in a t-shirt or dress fled across the puddle-flooded street, holding a newspaper or binder above their half soaked heads.

But really, they don’t, they fall from the soft grey clouds that hang low around the treetops.

I glance up from over my dampened leather notebook. Surveying the streets before me. I breathe in deeply, taking in the sweet scent of fresh rain and damp grass. People pass by, looking me up and down as if I where crazy for sitting under a tree in a rainstorm.

Just because it seems unpleasant doesn’t mean that someone can’t like it.

Absent-mindedly I bring the end of my pencil to my lips and let it pass through to my teeth. I bite down and let the eraser sink around my jaws and peel away from the wood of the pencil.

I gaze down at the mass of random thoughts scrabbled messily in my slick brown book. “Who the hell decided to give this to me anyways?” I blurt out. A short blond lady swings her overly makeuped face towards me and gives me a dirty down turned lip. I let her pass, cursing rude remarks in my head.

Of coarse I’ve got nothing nice to say, but why don’t I bother say it?

Looking up once more I shut my notebook and let my head flop down onto my knees.

I scream, instantly feeling the many eyes upon my back; all boring deep holes of instant hate into me. Rising to my feet I brush the damp grass from my blue board shorts. I watch the shreds of earth twist to the ground, pondering on the thought of writing it down. I decide not to and begin trudging up the street. Puddles made small raindrops giant bombs that exploded under my feet.

My hair stuck to my face like plaster tangling in front of my eyes. Ignoring it I look down at my torn Adidas they flexed so perfectly along with my feet, completely distracting me from the ‘real’ world. I stumble over a root in the cement and fall to my knees. Cursing under my breath I get back up, not even daring to look at the mess my legs where in. I knew it was bad, I could feel it. Mud and stones stung my skin triggering salty tears at the edges of my eyes. I blink them back and continue to limp down the street.

I check my watch-less hand, sighing as I make a mental note to put mine on in the morning.

"Sunday, Bloody Sunday" I hum, tapping to relaxed beat of the song. I smile to myself, noticing the tie in of my day. Stopping, I pull my notebook from under my arm and open it.

Sundays Bloodied Knees

--Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2 --

I jot the messy words down before closing it again and once more, continuing down the street.

***

[[more coming soon]]


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Last edited by Sacred on Sun Apr 27, 2008 10:30 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 8:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Smile

First off, I understand this is a work in progress, so I'll crit as if just doing another re-edit.

I started it but the wordiness hit me. Too round about ways, too many words, to much detail. But I kept reading till the end because I like the atmosphere, or the story direction...one of them. I think this has potential.

Ok, the title of the first chapter - I see no resemblance to the actual chapter. There was nothing in the piece that showed it was Sunday. Also, bloody? That's more of British/Australian cuss word and well, the title is also the name of an Australian film. I don't know, but it just sounds wrong given the way your stories been written so far.

Quote:
Slimy rain slunk between the red sun-drained bricks.

This is the first sentence and I'm already on overload. And I'm not too keen on the use of words. But, remember, it's only my opinion. Smile And I appreciate your imagination.
Slimy rain? I have never seen slimy rain. miry, mucky, oozy, sludgy, slushy These are slimy's synonyms. I don't think it's what your looking for.
Maybe it's the bricks that are slimy and not the rain?


Quote:

They cobbled the exploding field of raindrops that seemed to fall from the sky

I don't really get this sentence. You use 'They' but you are referring to a single noun - rain. Well, so I thought. I just re-read that and realised you were referring to the bricks. Maybe make this a bit smoother.

Perhaps just the first thing I metioned puts this whole sentence out of whack.


Quote:
The occasional unprepared man or woman in a t-shirt or dress fled across the puddle-flooded street, holding a newspaper or binder above their half soaked heads

This is a bit wordy. Even though you are trying to describe the differences in sexes, it still doesn't convey as a smooth thought and sounds rough and indescisive.

I enjoyed the middle. Smile

But was confused when I came to the last paragragh.

Quote:
I scream, instantly feeling the many eyes upon my back; all boring deep holes of instant hate into me.


Why would they instantly hate her? And I thought they were just hurriedly passing by...

Quote:
Rising to my feet I brush the damp grass from my blue board shorts


This sounded strange. The character sounded too deep to be wearing blue boardies...Lol, I know that sounds weird but that's the first thing I thought.

Quote:
I scream, instantly feeling the many eyes upon my back; all boring deep holes of instant hate into me. Rising to my feet I brush the damp grass from my blue board shorts. I watch the shreds of earth twist to the ground, pondering on the thought of writing it down. I decide not to and begin trudging up the street. Puddles made small raindrops giant bombs that exploded under my feet.

My hair stuck to my face like plaster tangling in front of my eyes. Ignoring it I look down at my torn Adidas they flexed so perfectly along with my feet, completely distracting me from the ‘real’ world. I stumble over a root in the cement and fall to my knees. Cursing under my breath I get back up, not even daring to look at the mess my legs where in. I knew it was bad, I could feel it. Mud and stones stung my skin triggering salty tears at the edges of my eyes. I blink them back and continue to limp down the street.


Maybe breaking it up like this would be better. I can read it much more easily.

Overall, I think this is pretty good. I'm attracted to the girl and her personality. Maybe bcause she reminds me of myself, haha.

But very nice. And keep working on it, I think it's worth it.

All the best,
Inky

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 2:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Ink Smile
I appreciate your help. I agree with you on most of the things and I will go over and work on that now. Two things I didn't agree on was the rain bit and the board shorts. In my mind rain can be slimy, so its how I put it. She is wearing board shorts for a reason, maybe she doesn't want to wear them, but she has to? I'm not quite sure yet, but I will come up with it soon.
Thats funny that you can relate to her, because she's basically based on me! (lol)
The reason for the title is because I'm actually not finished the chapter yet Embarassed The title will tie in soon!
Thank you again!
Sacred

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No worries Smile

I want to read the next bit lol.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very well-written. The descriptions are so clear I feel like I'm here with the character.

"My hair stuck to my face like plaster tangling in front of my eyes."

This was a good metaphor, but do it like this: My hair stuck to my face like plaster. It was tangling in front of my eyes.

"Sunday, Bloody Sunday"

You need a comma before the end quote.

Of course I’ve got nothing nice to say, but why don’t I bother say it?

Otherwise, very well written!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:40 pm    Post subject: Hmmm... Reply with quote

I liked this. Most certainly.

Ink got most of the technical problems but heres one that she missed...

Quote:
I glance up from over my dampened leather notebook. Surveying the streets before me.


You need to put these two sentences together. Other then that, I didn't see any other problematitudes in the grammar/punctuation/structure of the story. So lets get on to the content...

The description was excellent, I liked it a lot. I also liked the slightly odd situation; a girl under a tree in the rain. Intriguing, to say the least. What I would suggest is to avoid too much negativity. Don't allow the character to seem too emo, it ruins any drama and makes it instantly melodramatic. Make her angry at the people who shun the different but also make her slightly contemptuous, perhaps smiling in her superiority.

It might also be nice to lengthen this a little. Describe more of the people, have her watch them carefully and wonder about them. Don't allow her to be too wrapped up in herself.

Since I don't know where this is going I can't really give any more helpful advice. Good work and PM me if you would like me to review the next part.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your descriptions here were really nice. I really got into the story just from that. Seemed like a typical rainy day. It's raining here now and I could just look from the screen to the window and go "Yup, that's the way it is..."

Quote:
mess my legs were in.


No one seemed to catch that.

Anyway, not much seemed to happen in this chapter (though you did say it was in-progress, so I won't gripe too much) but you did set up the character very well, and you didn't resort to info dumps! *yay*

Very, very nice. Ink seems to have captured the nitpicks quite well.

I liked it quite a bit. The italic inner monologue was great. PM when you post more of it, would you please?

*thumbs up* Great stuff.

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you all! I am really glad you enjoyed it! I will make the corrections right away.

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