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Young Love
Young Love

by jenni321 in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 18, 2008
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Encantado Pt. 1
Encantado Part 1 edit
Encantado Part 2 edit
Encantado First Person Part 1
Encantado First Person Part2

Encantado Pt. 2

Topic ID: 29022
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:09 pm    Post subject: Encantado Pt. 2 Reply with quote

Judy went over to Pete and started to help him away. Niles hesitated, but then he saw the faces of the people. They wanted no part of them. This superstition still held strong in this area at least. So Niles went as well, supporting Pete on one side while Judy supported the other.

The three made it back to the boat without incident. Niles put Pete in a bed on deck and then went about the business of unmooring the boat. “What are you doing?” Judy asked him. “You heard the old man,” Niles replied, “They don’t want us around anymore. We have to respect that, even if it’s over this one stupid thing.” Niles started the boat up and pulled away from the dock. “Do you really think that it was just a joke?” Judy asked him. Niles nodded. “Like I said, it was a very good one,” he said, “Why? Think you know who played it?” Judy nodded and told him about Victor, and how he had claimed the man was his brother just before Pete stabbed him. Niles nodded. “You’re probably right,” he said, “This man Victor is the culprit. That man he said was his brother was probably just a really good friend. Part of the scam. I’d love to see how they do the whole dead dolphin switch thing though. That was a good bit of sleight of hand.” “But why would they do it?” Judy inquired. Niles shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe they get a kick out of scaring superstitious villagers,” he said.

The boat chugged on into the dark night. The rainforest was on both sides of them now. It was alive with nocturnal sounds. Screeching birds, buzzing insects, the scream of a jaguar somewhere in the gloom, all reached the ears of the two sober Americans. Niles shook his head and fumbled for the stereo. “I can’t stand the noises,” he said as he flipped it on and loud rock music started to blare out, “Give me CKY over these midnight screamers anytime.” “I don’t see how what you’re listening to is any different from what we’re hearing out there,” Judy said. Niles laughed. “You just haven’t heard good music until you’ve heard ‘Familiar Realm’,” he said as he turned back to his piloting duties.

Judy turned and went to the stern of the boat. She walked by Pete, now passed out on his bed with drool running out of his mouth. Pete was not one to hold his drinks very well. Especially the alcohol down here. It was stronger than the stuff back in America, but Pete drank it like it was no different. Well, he would pay in the morning, that much was for certain. Judy opened the door to the cabin and sat down on the seat inside. It did not take her long to fall asleep.

Judy woke up a little bit later to the sound of the rock music blaring, and nothing else. No motor chugging, no animal noises in the background, it was all as silent as the grave. She got up and went to the door carefully, mindful of what was missing out there in the night. She opened it and stuck her head outside. “Niles?” she asked. “Judy?” came the whispered reply, “Get me the shotgun.” “Why?” she asked. “Not so loud,” Niles’s voice warned her, “They aren’t gone yet.” “Who’s they?” Judy asked. “To hell if I know,” Niles replied, “All I know is that the motor turned off a while ago all by itself. I turned around and seen these shadowy figures kneeling by where Pete was. Except he wasn’t there, just a few fish flopping around on the deck nearby. I hid. I figure its bandits or something. Get me the gun quick now. No telling where they are.”

Judy quietly and quickly went back into the cabin and lifted up the seat. Inside was the ten gauge that they had brought along in case of wild animal attack. One had to take these precautions when travelling in Amazonia. Judy put as many shells as she could into the weapon, then returned to the door. “Where are you?” she whispered to Niles. “Do you have the shotgun?” Niles asked. “Yes,” Judy replied. “Get to the wheel,” Niles said, “Hurry about it. I don’t think they’re on board right now but there’s no telling if they’ll come back.”

Judy hurried to the front of the boat, the shotgun clasped tightly in one hand. She came around the corner quickly. Niles was in the shadows, the moonlight shone off his glasses in an eerie manner. “Give it here,” he said, motioning to the gun. Judy handed it to him. “We need to see what’s wrong with the motor,” Niles said, “I know it’s not electrical, cause the music’s still going. But we need to see what it is and get out of here.” “What about Pete?” Judy asked. “I don’t want to leave him behind any more than you do,” Niles said, “But if these guys turn out to be homicidal, then it’s already too late for Pete.”

Judy followed Niles down into the interior of the boat. He opened every door on the way to the engines with caution, as if expecting something to jump out of the darkness with a hideous Bob’s-yer-uncle grin. No such thing happened though. The two of them arrived at the engines. Niles handed the shotgun back to Judy. “Watch the door,” he told her, “Shoot anybody that comes through.” Judy watched the door as Niles began to look over the engines. He spent a good two to three minutes at it before finally giving up. “They’re just fine,” he said, “We’re not out of fuel and we haven’t hit anything. I don’t know what’s wrong.” “What do we do now?” Judy asked as Niles took the shotgun from her again. “We go up top and wait,” Niles said, “Someone passing by ought to be kind enough to help us out.”

The two walked back through the boat. Niles opened the door. A dark humanoid form stood in front of it. Judy barely had time to be afraid of it before Niles pulled the trigger of the shotgun. The hot buckshot struck whatever was in front of the door. It flopped to the deck. Judy caught a glimpse of it in the moonlight. It had grey hairless skin, webbed hands and feet, and a long snouted face with a hole in the top of its head. Then it shifted before Judy’s eyes. She screamed as it became a freshwater dolphin, just like in the village.

Niles stood, his shotgun held limply in one hand. He began whimpering, “It’s a joke. It’s a joke. Just a good convincing joke.” “It’s not a joke!” Judy screamed at him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him in an attempt to make him see reason. But Niles shook his head and kept babbling, “Just a joke. It’s all a good joke. Really convincing joke.”

Something splashed and slapped onto the deck behind the two Americans. Judy turned around. They were clambering onto the boat. Webbed hands pulled strange inhuman bodies out of the dark Amazon and into the boat. There were hisses as air left blowholes on the tops of their heads. They turned towards the two humans, Judy with her eyes wide in terror, Niles still babbling about it all being one great big joke. “Break out the caviar!” the song on the radio blared as they came forward. Then Judy realized what was on the minds of these things which moved on the deck before her. One of their own had been killed earlier, and his killer had been disposed of. Now another was dead, and the deed must be done again.

Judy backed away from Niles. She left him in a primal act of survival. She had not killed any of them, maybe if she got away from him they would leave her alone. She backed up to the wheel. Niles turned to her. Judy saw in his eyes the horrible truth, that he saw the horrible truth. It was written into every terrified feature of his face. “Judy,” he said, his voice low with meek fear, “Help me. Help.” But Judy did not. She stood away, her feet fixed to the deck of the boat with the same fear that gripped Niles.

Niles turned back to the things that were coming at him along the deck of the boat. He raised the shotgun again and pointed it at them. Judy guessed that he figured he had nothing to lose. The shotgun sounded over the rock music like an atomic explosion. One fell, but the others kept coming. Niles pulled the trigger again, but as he did so the shotgun shifted to become something else. He threw it down and screamed with horror as a live boa constrictor slithered off of the deck of the boat into the river below.

Niles backed away from the advancing beings, his breath short and worried. Then he tripped over his own feet and sprawled on his back on the deck of the boat. He held a hand out, talking quickly as though he hoped to bargain with these beings who were seeking retribution for the loss of their compatriots. “I didn’t know!” the words came from his mouth, “I didn’t know! It wasn’t supposed to be real. Just a joke. You’re supposed to be just stories!”

Niles was about to say something else, but he made an odd choking noise in the back of his throat. He turned onto his side and made a horrible retching noise this time. Something small and dark and wet fell out of his mouth. It was a fish. Niles put his hand into his mouth. Judy knew what he was discovering. That fish had once been a part of him. Now Niles began to hold his stomach as though he were about to heave up all the food he had eaten for the past week. He tried to scream, but that was impossible now. He only accomplished an odd moaning noise. Then he began to throw up more black fish. They came pouring out of him in a copious stream. Judy noticed with horror that Niles was turning an odd shade of dark as well. Then fish began to fall out of his pants. Niles rolled and writhed on the deck of the boat much like the fish that were pouring out of him. He turned towards Judy with an expression of stark and primal terror forever etched on his face. Then he exploded into a pool of black fish. They flopped on the deck for a few moments, then slithered into the river.

Judy sat on the floor of the boat, petrified after seeing Niles’s fate. The beings moved forward now, encircling her. One shut off the radio after CKY blared out the words, “If nothing’s left to say. You’ve entered a familiar realm.” “There,” it said, its voice sounding all too familiar to Judy, “We can talk better without that noisy refuse.” “Victor?” Judy asked. The being shook its head. “That is not my real name,” it said to her, “No human tongue can pronounce my real name. Of course, you will be saying it very soon. And I shall give you a like name. That’s why I never bothered to learn the one you have now. It wouldn’t matter anyhow.” The encantado knelt before Judy. “It is not so bad, love,” it said as it stroked her cheek with a webbed grey hand, “We have eternity. And you were such a lovely dancer.”

For a few moments Judy wanted to break away. Her mind screamed at every muscle in her body to bolt away, to run for the cabin and lock herself inside and pray that she didn’t start puking fish or become some slimy river creature on the way. But the encantado looked her in the eye. And in that moment all resistance fell away. There was really no choice in the matter. And it wouldn’t be all that bad, would it? He had been a good dancer. There were splashes as bodies left the front of the boat and entered the river. And the boat sailed deserted into the Amazonian night.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm back! By the way, only put one space in between paragraphs. This makes it seem much longer, and people will be afraid to critique it.

I'm not going to go in-depth on this one. The only line edits I have is what I mentioned last time - every new person speaking gets a new paragraph.

The idea of the piece is still good, but, like last time, I didn't feel like I was there. You didn't have info-dumps, which was good, but I need more. Emotions, setting, details. Everything you'd find in a real book. Right now, this seems flat. How's she feel going through this? Let us feel it - make me feel like I'm on that boat right now.

PM me if you edit this, have questions, or want me to critique anything else. I'm pretty much just repeating my last critique here, so make sure you look at that when you edit this part. And try altering that one to be more like this. (By taking out info-dumps.)

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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This thread was created on April 18, 2008

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