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OverEasy
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 Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: Lies (rewritten) |
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Er... this is still very rough. But it needs some feedback before I do another rewrite.
They slip from your lips
with ease.
While the truth tastes
bitter on your tongue.
They pile up,
feeding off
the rotting flesh
of your soul.
I cannot look at you now,
all I see is a beast
you have come to be.
These lies have
created a monster
of you. I finally see
the decaying creature
you have
become. |
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Last edited by OverEasy on Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:15 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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[deleted1]
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: |
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Wow, Tiff, I reall like this. I liked how you deeply expalained what it's like to be lied to. I also lik how you can feel the emotion into this. Good work. Keep up the good work!
-Rick. |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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Hi Tale!
Okay. I like what you have here, but it needs some work. You’ve got some great imagery, but it doesn’t connect to anything. You tell us it eats and wraps and changes you, but why? Why does the lie wrap, and why does it exist? This, in essence comes to one thing; I fail to be engaged, which is a problem. It is a good poem, but it just lacks a sense of substance, while I like it, and I enjoy the description it doesn’t have the *something* that’s needed to keep my attention.
Think about it, and what you’re trying to say. Currently it feels like a collection of images without a story or reason behind it. Perhaps think about it and give it another look. I’m confident you can do great with this. ^^
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Katharsis
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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| PenguinAttack wrote: |
| Think about it, and what you’re trying to say. Currently it feels like a collection of images without a story or reason behind it. |
| Quote: |
They wrap around you,
strangling,
suffocating,
stealing your breath.
You've given us these feelings, but not the why of it. Why do lies do this?
Crushing you,
cutting off all circulation.
They pile up,
gaining strength from
your weakened form.
I don't feel this. I don't even know what side of the lies I should feel like I'm on. If any.
They feed off
the rotting flesh
of your soul.
I don't understand how this ties in with the concept of lies. This is your problem.
Devouring anything left
of your once
vibrant personality.
Until all that you have
is the decaying
leftovers of what
used to be you.
There's not enough clarity, it doesn't feel like you're talking about lies. I looked at the poem before I saw the title, and I didn't know what the hell was going on. (Despite the fact that I do like that in poetry - when I saw the title I couldn't see the connection.) As PA said, the imagery you have doesn't connect to anything. The concept of Lies isn't apparent in the poem.
With a different concept at the core of this poem, it could actually make sense.
Really, if this were a poem about people... It could be changed a little bit and construed to be about feeding off others' self esteem. However, it's up to you if you want to change it or not. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: |
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Yuck. This is just description of what lies do to somebody. Big deal. I can tell you how to make a buffered system using chemistry, but just because I can give you a weak acid and a weak base that will end up having a pH of 7.0 doesn't mean you have any clue of what's actually going on.
Tell me how the lies affect somebody. Or, better yet, tell me how the lies affect me. You are addressing me, aren't you? So tell me about how numb my lips feel when I tell this lie. Tell me why I feel strangled. You're focusing on the wrong things. Why is always a more interesting question than how. Always. |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. ^^
| Quote: |
They wrap around you,
strangling,
suffocating,
stealing your breath. [comma instead?]
Crushing you, [no comma] and
cutting off all circulation. |
The reason I question the comma is because this should be an entire sentence, grammatically speaking. It doesn't flow as separate sentences. It seems clunky to me and should be smoothed out with other punctuation. Maybe an and after Crushing you instead of the comma. Yeah, that might work.. *adds* ..It'll work with my suggested comma, anyway. 
| Quote: |
They feed off
the rotting flesh
of your soul. [comma instead]
Devouring anything left
of your once
vibrant personality. [no period]
Until all that you have
is the decaying
leftovers of what
used to be you. |
This should also be an entire sentence, grammatically speaking, for better flow and such.
This is very descriptive. Yet again, you show us your ability to describe simple things with such strong imagery. I wish I were some poet critic 'cause you definitely deserve someone better than me, haha.
I would like to see you try new things, though; try to build on your ability to write poetry. You use such great imagery and metaphors. Maybe try to connect the imagery to the title, so the reader would know how the images you give us describes the subject. At the moment, this poem is so general, it can fit with not only lies, but also distrust, nerves, my cat's death, my stomach after my grandma's lasagna -- try to relate this to the title. (And I wasn't trying to be sarcastic, haha. Just showing how it can be related to plenty other things.)
Hope I helped some. Great job again! 
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked this. It has good imagry and a nice rythmn to it. I like the fact there is sorta a patten with the lines. Overall good job! |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 5:02 am Post subject: |
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Try capitalizing the first letter of the first word after each line break. The poem itself will look neater.
Content-wise, that was phenomenal. Great job. |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 1:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Ooooh, creepy. Very nice, though. The imagery was very good. I'm not sure what your subject is. Oh, lies. *slaps self on forehead* I should read the titles! The only thing I can suggest in more punctuation, instead of just at the end. |
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intheblowinwind
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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| This isn't very good. I don't feel that all of these relate to lies. It seems like you are forcing imagery that doesn't really work with your topic. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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If you were to write out the list of what happens, it would go something like:
1. Strangle
2. Crush
3. Accumulate
4. Feed
5. Devour
6. What's left
(sorry that looks so macabre!) It was very segmented, so maybe if each section could lead into the next a little more?
Other than the title, I didn't see much having to do with lies. Almost anything could stand in for the "they" and I think that looking to solidify that aspect would add a finalizing dimension. With this decomposition imagery, how could you connect everything back to the concept of lying? |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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This seems like a rant on lies. You use aggressive words then suddenly use a word like 'circulation' that doesn't fit. You know I needed to double check the title probably because it wasn't obvious it sortof fits. Not very well. It all telling rather than showing. I think Karina said it best. You can tell us about something but can ya show it?
Overall: This needs a huge overhaul and less agressive word instead show us rather than just telling us all. Hope this helps.
Good luck
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Vernon
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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Well here I go again. (I hate double posting)
My main beef was it's so telling why not use a metaphor or personify it. Give us a feeling don't tell us what a lie is. We know what one is. Well we should. You need to show this. You're getting it but this rewrite still in early stages keep trying should get it. Just for emphasis: Show don't tell! It can work dramatically in making us more in tune with the poem.
Overall: You're getting there, but still in early stages but you'll get it. Just now think of how to show how a lie like this. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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I think this poem has a lot of potential, you just need to know where to go with it. As such, I'll pick it apart and offer many suggestions!
| Quote: |
They slip from your lips
with ease. |
I don't like the fact that you start with "they". The title is "Lies" but we should be able to know what the poem is about without the aid of a title. A title can inform, and add to the poem, but a poem will be better if it can stand alone. In some cases the poem doesn't make sense with out the title, but here, not only do I not like the start with the word "They" but your title, "Lies" could be changed and made more particular to the poem. Lies and They are vague. Why not start with something else?
I also do not like the chosen place for line break--it ruins the flow. All of your line breaks seem short. Try reading your poem out loud and think about where you place your line breaks. Line breaks are not a place to pause unless there is punctuation, but it still signals a change to the reader and so they need to be used wisely.
| Quote: |
While the truth tastes
bitter on your tongue. |
This is an incomplete sentence, which is fine, but I think it needs to either be made a full sentence, or removed entirely.
| Quote: |
They pile up,
feeding off
the rotting flesh
of your soul. |
Again with "they". I like the vividly imagery you use, but I think it is misplaced. I don't understand what that has to do with lies. I think, and this is only my opinion so I may be wrong, that you chose it just because it is vivid and not because it actually relates to the poem. If it does relate to the poem, try to say more, explain it more, and be even more vivid with it. Instead of saying "rotting", describe how it smells with specific diction.
| Quote: |
I cannot look at you now,
all I see is a the beast
you have come to be. |
| Quote: |
These lies have
created a monster
of you. |
This sentence is redundant, considering that in the previous sentence you call him/her a beast. I think you need to consider what you are trying to say or talk about. If you are repeating yourself, you must feel like you either don't know what you are trying to say, or that you need to say more. If the idea of him/her being a monster/best is important, don't repeat it, just say it once in the most precise and accurate way possible.
| Quote: |
I finally see
the decaying creature
you have
become are. |
Again, creature is just like monster or beast. Do not repeat yourself, instead, just say it more vividly, more passionately. One thing I notice over all, your language is kind of passive or indirect. You say "have become" when "are" would be so much stronger.
Overall I think you need to look at how you use imagery (consider all five senses), your diction (I believe I've linked you to Colly's article before? If not, PM me and I will) and your line breaks. Try to make the poem flow, and choose the line breaks carefully, like I mentioned above.
A lot of your poem seems to be you saying the same thing, and what you are saying doesn't amount to much. I suggest you do a poem outline. This is something I do now and then, although I end up doing it in my head, or while I am in the middle of writing a poem. On a piece of paper or wherever you work, write out what you are trying to say. "I am trying to tell my reader..." then write how you want the reader to feel/respond. "I want the reader to feel/think/believe...." This is incredebly helpful, because then you know what to do in the poem! The most difficult thing about poetry is having an idea that is too vague to make sense of. Perhaps your initial poem idea will morph into something else all together, which is fine, in fact, it's good! Sometimes poetry needs a change to become amazing (and I believe you can be amazing!). Try writing a list of powerful, vivid (I know I use this word a lot, haha, sorry!) words that you can use in your poem. You don't neccessarily need to do this, I usually find words while writing, but it may help you understand how to use stronger diction. Instead of pain, describe how it feels in a metaphor. Instead of rotting, like I said before, explain how it smells--or maybe what it tastes like? Write something that will make your reader feel. That will, in the end, leave you with an amazing poem.
As always, I suggest you read some poetry! It's best when you see all of these things in action. I hope this helped, and if you have any questions, feel free to find me! |
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Leja
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: |
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Ciao, OE! I'd forgotten that I'd commented already, lol. But I think you've changed it since then?
You have a few different images: lies slip, truth tastes, lies pile, there's a monster and decay, etc. It seems a little like these are just a series of statements, rather than a progression of ideas. I like the cause-effect progression, from the beginning where there's a description of the lies, then towards the end where there's the effect the lies had on the person. It just needs to be a little more connected and fluent.
| Quote: |
I cannot look at you now,
all I see is a beast
you have come to be.
These lies have
created a monster
of you. |
This is all too vague; so there's a beast and a monster? So what?
| Quote: |
I finally see
the decaying creature
you have
become. |
This is much better than the previous two because it puts the thing described (the monster) into context, and makes it relevant and connected to the poem. Also, make sure you're not restating the same thing three or four times.
Another image that I really liked was:
| Quote: |
| While the truth tastes bitter on your tongue. |
because it makes everything seems so much more immediately there, rather than something abstract. That is very very nice. One thing to watch out for, though, is that you've put a period, but this is not a complete sentence. If there were a comma instead of a period and the thought continued, or if "while" were eliminated from the beginning of the sentence, then there would be a sentence (I'm only being picky because the rest of the poem follows conventional grammar rules ^_^).
I think you're continuing in a good direction with this; just remember where you're going with those last lines "I finally see the decaying creature you have become". |
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