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La Petite Dansuer
La Petite Dansuer

by oboemagic_1414 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 24, 2008
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Terror Train Pt. 2

Terror Train Pt. 1

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:05 pm    Post subject: Terror Train Pt. 1 Reply with quote

Terror Train

Benny lay in his bed. His little eyes were not yet feeling the tiny tug of sleep. He simply lay there. He was not tired. He knew that he needed to fall asleep; he knew that it would do no good for him tomorrow if he had gone the entire night without getting any shut eye. But no matter how hard he tried, little Benny Chambers still could not fall into the wonderful embrace of slumber.

As Benny lay in his insomniac pose, he thought that he heard a slight rushing noise outside. At first he brushed it off, marked it as the beginning of a dream and therefore the beginning of needed sleep. But it came again, this time a little louder. Benny was sure that it was outside, in the street below.

Now there was another sound. This was a shrill mechanical whistle. When Benny heard it, it seemed to be more than just a whistle. He thought he heard voices intertwined in the whistle. But he could not tell if the voices were laughing with pure joy, or if they were uttering something else.

Slowly and cautiously Benny got out of bed and crept over to his window. He gazed out and saw the most wondrous thing in the street below. Stretching out down the block was a long silver train. It was one of those bullet locomotives, the ones usually seen amidst some mountains in Japan. Its polished metal shimmered underneath the full moon. Its lights glowed a dim yellow that lit the pavement ahead of it. Behind the forward car was an open door with pure white light shining out of it. The light was then obscured by the figure of a man with his hands on his hips, waiting for something or someone. It seemed to Benny that he was the one being waited on.

Benny turned and left his room. He made his way through the darkened house quietly so that he did not awaken his sleeping parents. He did not know what possessed him to investigate the long silver train in the street. Maybe it was that insatiable curiosity that nearly all children Benny’s age are possessed with. Or maybe it was something else. Benny did fancy that the train called to him. He thought he heard a voice speaking, telling him of the places that he could see.

Benny unlocked the front door and opened it. The train was still there. It still lay in all its glory beneath the full moon, the light reflecting off its silver hull. The figure still stood within the doorway. Benny walked across the lawn toward the door. As he did so the figure became defined and describable. He was a younger man, though old enough to Benny. He wore a black shirt, nice jeans, and a nicer pair of cowboy boots. He wore a name tag that said “Conductor Blaine,” on it.

“You Benjamin Chambers?” the man asked.

Benny jumped at the man’s sudden ability to speak, and then replied, “Yes, I am.” The man laughed and stepped off to one side.

“Come on in, little partner,” he said, “It’s your stop. Tonight you get to ride the train around. And the best part, you don’t have to pay any money. Ride the train tonight, have the time of your life.”

Benny stopped for a moment as he considered the offer before him. He had always been instructed by his parents never to get in a car with a stranger. But this was not a car, this was a train. And he was sure this was not what his parents had in mind when they had told him that. It was not common for trains to appear on the street in the middle of the night. Benny was sure it was alright. There was nothing wrong with the train. It looked beautiful.

Benny stepped through the door into the train. He heard it slide shut behind him.

“Welcome aboard,” the man said as he put a hand on Benny’s shoulder, “I’m Melmoth Blaine, the conductor of this train. Go on through that door and join the others. The world’s moving on, it’s time to go.”

Benny walked through the door that Melmoth had instructed him to. He stepped into a wonderful coach room. The benches within were all of a red leather the likes of which Benny had never seen before. Shining ebony wood was inlaid in nearly everything. The metal of the lamps was a burnished black, the lampshades themselves were dull orbs of orange. It was indeed an interesting room.

There were others in here, kids just around Benny’s age. He sat down across the aisle from a black girl.

“What is this?” he asked her. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Don’t know,” she said, “I just in bed, this crazy train shows up, Mistah Blaine asks me if I wanna ride. By the way, name’s Serena. What’s yo’s?”

“Benny,” Benny replied to Serena.

The voice of Melmoth Blaine sounded in the coach room. “Welcome aboard, little partners,” he said. His voice sounded comforting. Benny let a little yawn escape his jaws. He was beginning to feel a little tired already.

“Ah, now now,” Melmoth said, “You can’t fall asleep just yet. There’s too much to do, too much to see. Sit on down, my soon-to-be weary travelers. Let us see the night.”

The train began to move forward. It was a slow, smooth motion, not the quick jerk of an iconic steam locomotive. It seemed to Benny that the train purred like a cat as it began to slide on in motion and took pleasure in gliding through the night under the full moon. The other children’s mouths fell agape and a slight gasp escaped from them, a gasp of pure childlike wonder. It seemed that a magic was in the air as this unearthly train began its long run.

“Let’s have us something to drink,” the voice of Melmoth said. A door in the back of the car opened up and a cart began to wheel itself through the aisle. Upon it were enough glasses of water for all of the children seated. Benny took a glass from the cart; Serena did the same.

“Cool and clear,” Melmoth’s voice intoned, “Just what you need to wet the whistle and keep you awake on this little trip.” The last glass of water was taken from the cart. It shot back to the door from which it had come and went back to another part of the train. The door shut behind it.

“This train’s got a few tricks,” Melmoth said, “You could look out those windows we’ve got there, but that’s not really enough, now is it?” The walls suddenly vanished. A few of the children screamed out in sudden fright.

“There’s nothing to be alarmed about,” Melmoth cooed, his voice calming the children almost instantly, “The walls are still there. You can reach out and touch them. It’s just now you can see through them. Go on ahead, enjoy the view.”

The children all gazed out at the sight outside of the train. They were still in town, Benny even recognized a few of the streets. He even saw his school, shrouded by the night as the train rolled on past. Everything seemed to be cast in an odd half-light, giving it a quasi-mystical appearance that made some things almost unrecognizable. The corner grocery store seemed to shimmer and warp as the train glided on by. Ordinary houses appeared other worldly when viewed through the light of the night. Their windows and parapets transmogrified into portals and werewolves, playing games with the minds of the children.

The walls suddenly materialized into view again. The children jumped back with a start, but none were frightened now. This was becoming quite fun. Benny got a good look at the walls now. They were covered with engravings of life-sized cherubs, the little chubby children angels most often seen with a quiver of heart-tipped bows on Valentine’s Day. These upon the walls had upturned faces, their expressions those of what seemed to Benny to be utter joy.

“We still have time,” Melmoth said, “You all go ahead, talk and play games. I’ll put a little music on and stay at the wheel. Don’t worry about a thing. If you do need something, just press the big black button near the front door and I’ll see what I can do for you.” Music began to play in the coach.

The children now began to talk amongst themselves. All expressed great wonder at being able to ride this magic train. All had the same story as Benny and Serena. They had been lying in bed, had heard the train pull up, and had accepted Melmoth Blaine’s invitation for a free ride. So far all were having a wonderful time.

“At home, me an mah folks didn’t have the money fo this,” Serena said to Benny, “I’m havin the time of mah life!”

Then one of the children let out a large yawn.

“I’m tired,” he said, “I think I’m going to go to sleep.”

“That’s alright, Al,” Melmoth said, “It happens to you sooner or later.” It seemed to Benny that Melmoth’s voice had a slightly mournful tone to it. “Just go ahead and shut your eyes. The train will go on with you.”

The boy laid out on the bench and shut his eyes. Suddenly his eyes snapped back open.

“No!” he yelled out, “Get it away!” The other children turned to him. Benny’s mouth fell open, and he cried out in fright when he saw him. The line between the boy and the bench was becoming very blurred. The children all let out various cries of horror and hurried away from the boy. He was struggling against this sinister osmosis, but it was to no avail. Soon only his face remained. A scream began to escape his mouth, but halfway through his throat turned to leather and it was cut off. Soon the seat was just as smooth as it had been, with no trace of the boy.

Then Benny turned toward the wall. There was a new cherub amidst the myriads on the walls already. Benny’s heart grew cold when he saw that it resembled the boy, no, it was the boy. It bore the same expression that the rest of its companions had. Benny saw now that this was not an expression of joy. Rather, the faces of these cherubs were upturned and contorted in cries of inhuman horror.

Now the children were in the throes of panic. They were screaming incoherently, their cacophony of voices sounding like they were speaking in tongues. A few were running about, their legs carrying them around the cabin while their mouths continued to utter their primal cries of fear.

“QUIET!” the voice of Melmoth blared out. The children all became stone silent. “It is a terrible thing what happened to our little friend,” Melmoth said, “But he isn’t really gone. He’s part of the train now. He’s still here with us. We can still go on with the ride, now can’t we?”

The response from the children was an overwhelming and resounding negative. They all rushed forward to the door through which they had entered the train. They got into the partition between the coach car and the head car. Benny was behind the first child. That child hit a button beside the door. With a metallic clink the door slid open. Suddenly the children were hit with a powerful wind that threatened to pull them out of the train and into the night. The first child held onto the side of the door. “Help me!” he cried out. Benny reached for his hand, his other one clamped securely to a hand rail. The kid reached out for Benny’s hand, but in that moment succumbed to the suction. At that moment the train turned invisible again, allowing the children to watch the unfortunate one as he was hammered to bits against the side of the train before finally falling away into the night.

“I suggest you take your seats,” Melmoth said. There was no argument.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG. I freaking love it. 0.o

I'm too choked up for words.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You requested this critique some time ago, and I'm finally getting to it. Sorry I took so long!

Nit-Picks

Quote:
Benny lay in his bed. His little eyes were not yet feeling the tiny tug of sleep. He simply lay there. He was not tired.

The short sentences are bothering me.

Quote:
It was not common for trains to appear on the street in the middle of the night. Benny was sure it was all right.

Quote:
Benny let a little yawn escape his jaws. He was beginning to feel a little tired already.

Odd wording. Also, don't repeat 'little.'

Quote:
“Ah, now now,” Melmoth said, “You can’t fall asleep just yet. There’s too much to do, too much to see. Sit on down, my soon-to-be weary travelers. Let us see the night.”

Who’s Melmoth? I’m assuming you changed the conductor’s name and didn’t edit them all, right? Or you just forgot to introduce this character. (I now read ahead: Oh – that makes sense. Melmoth Blaine. You need to tell us this sooner, though.)

Quote:
“That’s all right, Al,” Melmoth said., “It happens to you sooner or later.” It seemed to Benny that Melmoth’s voice had a slightly mournful tone to it. “Just go ahead and shut your eyes. The train will go on with you.”

Wait – wasn’t Melmoth in the other room?

Quote:
Benny’s heart grew cold when he saw that it resembled the boy ,no, it was the boy.

Overall Comments

Jeez… strange much?

First, there were some phrases that seemed really out of place. Like ‘it was indeed an interesting room.’ What’s with that? It didn’t seem to fit the rest of your voice, and really stuck out.

Also, you went on and on about how magical the place was, but I didn’t believe you! Make it sound too good to be true. Let us feel like we’re there. Don’t just tell us what’s on the train – let us feel the atmosphere. Is it homey? Is it brightly lit? Is there a constant sound of children laughing? What?

Also, show us the atmosphere of the boy’s room at the beginning. Is it dark, cramped, etc. All the basic things that you notice right away. If you tell me of a dark, spacious room, I can kind of fill in the details myself. Also, show the atmosphere outside when he looks out his window. Yes, you show us the train, but what else?

Other than the atmosphere, I really liked it. I was worried it would be too much like the Polar Express (I noticed this, and I’ve only seen commercials for the movie!) but it wasn’t too bad – you changed it up.

Good job!

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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This thread was created on April 24, 2008

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