JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1251
Reviews: 353
Country: USA
425 Points
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 Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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I’m baaaack! As promised, a second critique on the revised version follows. I see that this is still really short, so I’m a bit afraid to edit, but I’ll give it a shot. I shall also lecture you about italics at the end. ;P
Same format as always: the numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the ‘highlighted comments’ below. Also, see ‘underlined comments’ for more on the areas I underlined. (Normally I would italicize those parts, but you already did that for the dream. ;P)
You asked for one of my brutal critiques, so be prepared!
Highlighted Comments
1. Should not be italicized. Thoughts normally are, but since the rest of your piece is, you need to make this normal font to show the difference.
2. When you say this, you force yourself to say ‘me’ in the thought. To avoid this, try ‘She wonders what he thins of her.’
3. One word? Hyphen? Hm…
4. Again, I have completely forgotten the waitress at this point. Tell us before you rant. ;P
5. Getting a bit annoying here. I know that they’re leaning closer. Maybe say ‘His breath is shallow, and he’s thinking of nothing but her.’
6. Again with the ‘leans.’
7. I feel like this should read as ‘Knock it off, Sandy. See? I’m speaking. I’m up.’ *Shrug*
8. Weak sentence.
9. Weak.
Plot Suggestion
I don’t believe you can get everything you want out to the reader in the order this is in now. You continue to interrupt my reading. With questions, history, everything. I just want a kiss scene – the rest should be shown earlier on.
What you need is more opportunities to show this. I’ve come up with something that may help you:
- The girl is sitting at the table, all alone. To give her some action, maybe have the waitress come over and ask for a drink order. The girl can order (and show that she’s watched him so often she knows his drink order?) We can get to know her a bit here. Through action – not telling. Maybe she pops a mint in her mouth so she’ll have fresh breath, run her hands through her hair to straighten it? Does she run through all the possible scenarios in her head, trying to prepare for each one?
- The boy can come out. (Maybe he was in the bathroom?) We can get our first view of him here. Since she’s so in love with him, describing his features is perfectly okay. You can also make us to fall head over heels for him. ;P
- He can sit down, and they can have a bit of conversation. Again, this shows us their characters. How do they interact? Show us that she’s never been kissed by how nervous she is. Show us that he’s experienced by letting him be at ease, most likely flirting a bit.
- I did like the part with the waiter you wrote, so here’s where it fits in. ;P She can come up with the drinks, place them down, and ask if they’d like anything else. He can then use the quote you have. ;P
- Romance time! But there are some questions left here. Are they across from each other? If so, isn’t it uncomfortable to reach across? What’s the anticipation feel like?
- The lick. This needs to be expanded a lot. Maybe he turns, and she becomes confused, thinking he’s just going to peck her check? Let us feel her disappointment when he turns. Let us feel her shock at the first touch of tongue against cheek. Let us feel her disgust when she understands what’s happening. Does she go to push him off, or does she wake up first?
- Ending the dream: I actually didn’t like how you did this. Having an entire dream in italics gets annoying quickly. Instead, I would make the licking more final. Maybe she pushes him off, but he attacks again? After that, I would put a page break. (A few hyphens or stars, just to give us a heads up.) I would have her open her eyes, and see Sandy. That way, the dream isn’t italicized, we can think it’s really happening, have a greater shock when he licks her, and laugh harder when we see Sandy.
- She opens her eyes and sees Sandy, slobbering all over her. Expand here. What’s it feel like? Is she mad that it was just a dream?
Of course, feel free to ignore any of that. I just hated that I was being interrupted during the kiss. This way (or in a similar way,) we can learn all the information you want us to know, without being lectured at. Showing not telling – you’re new best friends. ;P
Underlined Comments
You’ve probably noticed that I’ve underlined several parts in here. That’s just because I felt rants coming on, so I figured I’d lecture you here instead. ;P
Underlined Part One: Descriptions
I’ve noticed many people have noticed this, but none seem to explain this too well. If you already know how to fix it…read it again. ;P It’ll still help. If you don’t know how yet, then it’s good that I’m doing this!
I have to ask: what’s the point of the descriptions? Do I care if he can drive, or if she’s smart? In all honesty, no. I don’t know these characters – I can’t see them. Character development is vital here. You need to develop them, and slip in the needed information. I really don’t give a care if she’s learning how to drive, but I do care that she’s never been kissed. But don’t just tell us – show us through her anxiety.
Underlined Parts Two and Three: What Will It Be Like?
You seem to love asking questions. This can be good, but, like all good things, there is a limit. You’ve surpassed it – by a lot.
Again, I’ll refer to the idea I suggested above. While she’s waiting for him, she can be obsessing over this. She can eat a mint – wonder if he’ll notice a piece of lettuce in her teeth. Tidy her hair – wonder if he’ll run his hands through it, notice the snarls remaining. Remember the thousands of books she’s read on kissed. Plan out possible scenarios. Lot’s of things to keep her mind occupied while she waits, and lot’s of things to build up the tension for us readers, without constantly being interrupted. Then, when he comes back, he can lean over and almost kiss her, without leaving us waiting quite so long. Hearing ‘he leaned over. Would it be soft? He gets closer…’ is annoying. I just want to find out what happens!
Underlined Part Four: …Licking?
I’ll admit it – the first time I critiqued this, I was so obsessed about the tense of the dream that I didn’t pay too much attention to this. But now I’m back, and with vengeance! ;P
Honestly, this was a very weak point. It’s such a sudden change that it can cause your readers to say ‘ew!’ and walk away. Obviously that’s not good. (If you didn’t already know that having your readers say ‘ew!’ about your work wasn’t a good thing, then we’ve got other things to discuss. ;P)
The way to get rid of this ‘ew!’ is to write it like a normal scene. Meaning: details! Don’t just tell us that he started licking her; show it to us! He’s so close, yet his lips don’t meet hers – let us feel her disappointment. His tongue will touch her cheek – let us feel her shock. He licks – let us feel her disgust. Notice how neither of them seem to move during this whole part? (Except for his tongue…) People don’t do that. We’re always moving, even if just a little. Do her eyes widen in shock? Does she pull back? Does he put his hands on her shoulders? (We can later find the dog’s paws on her shoulders – that would be awesome.)
Overall Comments
Tenses
The dream is much better now that it’s in present tense, but the sudden change to past (when she woke up) really bothered me. I want to feel like I’m there – let me wake up with her, push Sandy off with her. I just went through her dream with her, why is she now pushing me away?
I think you should stick with present tense. I just seems like that kind of story. Maybe all past tense would work as well? I’m not entirely sure – it’s your call. I would stay consistent, though.
He/She
This is something I do often: the lack of names. If she doesn’t actually know the guy, if he’s just her dream man, then he doesn’t need a name. However, you do name Sam, so reading ‘her’ all the time gets old.
Setting
This is supposed to be her dream, so you may not like my idea. (Especially with your sentence about the candles.)
The whole time I was reading this, I wished it took place at a diner. It sort of has that feel to it. Besides, not many teens can eat at some fancy restaurant.
This way, you can use others around her at the same time. In restaurants, everything is rather secretive. In diners, you can see everything. She can watch a couple in the corner kiss, trying to pick up points. She can hear a girl’s annoying, high-pitched voice and wish that she didn’t have to have her first kiss to that sound. Then, when he comes out (if you use my plot suggestion,) everything can just disappear. You know that feeling? Where the only thing you can focus on is him? Show us that – it would be wonderful.
Italics
I’m not sure about everyone else, but I despised the italics. It gave so much away. If you put ----- or *** after the ‘…starts licking her face again,’ it could solve this problem. (Make sure the symbols are on their own line, like in books.) Then, you’ll have to reintroduce us. Simply show us what she’s seeing after she opens her eyes, and continue from there. That way you won’t have to italicize the dream, and it will leave us with much more emotions. (I already ranted about this, so I’ll shut up now. ;P)
Final Comments
I do like the idea of this story. It’s sweet, funny, and realistic. It’s just lacking in details, and has a few too many info-dumps. I really think this could be improved if you considered the plot suggestions I mentioned – it gives you much more opportunities to show us everything.
Oh, and you may want to consider writing this in first person. It seems more natural to me, but if you can fix up the other aspects, it may not be needed. *Shrug*
Sorry about the length of this – I think it was three times as long as your piece. O.o I just think it has a lot of potential, and I’m trying to help you make it the best it can possibly be. ;P I tend to rant when I think a piece it good, so a long critique from me can be a compliment.
As always, PM me if you have any questions, are bored, or if you want another critique!
Good luck, and happy editing!
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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