Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Let The Games Begin: The Writing Olympics!

Event #5 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Hell in a Handbasket
Hell in a Handbasket

by clograbby in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on April 8, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River
Topic ID: 28549
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Sam   View This User's Portfolio
sister socrates
Epic Novelist

1235
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4777
Reviews: 1235
Country: oslo in the summertime
476 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:10 am    Post subject: PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River Reply with quote

This came from my PoWriMo thread, so don't fret if you've seen it before. ^_^



___





Where flames met the earth, you put your hands to the ground

and watched the flesh bubble and tear. I saw you next

when your hands were wrapped in salve and white, and I brought you

candles in jars to illuminate your fever-dreams.



I spread paint on your fingers and guided your scorched bones across paper,

to show you that blackened things still hold the privilege of color.

Jagged salt spikes ran down your face in rows and I swore something

unto the blaze that you would someday hear—



there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, darling, but keep you alive.

_________________
FAN: Do you have an avatar--you know, one of those online personality things?
CRAIG FERGUSON: Oh, God, I don't even have one of those in-life personality things.


Last edited by Sam on Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:28 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Saint Razorblade   View This User's Portfolio
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum

478
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 1875
Reviews: 478
Country: A ship! With me crew!
347 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's Phoenix*, love. Wink

Not going to bore you with a highly unhelpful critique. Sorry! Just had to be a spelling Nazi.

(It's the town I live in. I'm a little protective of it, hah)

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

_________________
"Woohoo! I was a homeless blackout drunk!" - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Sythe   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

42
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 42
Country: USA
0 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sam,

This was a wonderful poem. I loved the whole morale of it. Just brilliant and sweet at the same time. I especially loved the last line. Really good.

One thing that I think this could use is a little more rhythm. It's like a heartbeat of such - thump, thump, thump. See how you read that? You read (hopefully) each thump with the same pause between each. This poem doesn't really have anything like that. It's just basically a couple of well crafted setences stuck in a poem formation. Make it have meaning - have value.

Hope you didn't take this too harshly. If you did, I'm sorry! I really liked it.

:Sythe:

_________________
Stars 1

The Utopian Dream

Abductions
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PenguinAttack   View This User's Portfolio
Dangerously cute.
Speaker of the Forum

345
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 821
Reviews: 345
Country: There's just me.
235 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there, Sam. ^^

This is a gorgeous little poem, and you've only had two comments? (one being Saintifiction) Shocking! Not to be mistaken, I'm of no use. ^^

I adore this. Thoroughly and completely. You've created this feeling that just stuck with me as I read it, and I adore how you've dealt with the idea. You imagery is complete and beautiful, tactile and gritty.

One niggle that comes to me is in your last line;

"there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you, darling, but keep you alive."

There's something about this that gets to me. I'm not sure.. but I think the length is a factor. It doesn't hit as well as an end line should, I feel. I think that the last line needed a hard impact, but this line lacked it.

All in all, though. I love this. Nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

_________________
*Rawr*

Read it, Write it, Love it.

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum

270
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 720
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
345 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicly done and very creative! Great job.

_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
CK Lynn   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

200
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 315
Reviews: 200
Country: United States
341 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it-all except for the last line. It just didn't sound the same as the rest.

_________________
Carson Layne's Story

www.youngwriterssociety.com/post367067.html#367067
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Talking_Pinata   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

86
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 245
Reviews: 86

300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice! I liked basically everything about it!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on April 8, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on April 8, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies. - Daisy Bates
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society