Topic ID: 28549
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Sam
sister socrates Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 12 Dec 2004 Posts: 4777 Reviews: 1235 Country: oslo in the summertime 476 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River |
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This came from my PoWriMo thread, so don't fret if you've seen it before. ^_^
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Where flames met the earth, you put your hands to the ground
and watched the flesh bubble and tear. I saw you next
when your hands were wrapped in salve and white, and I brought you
candles in jars to illuminate your fever-dreams.
I spread paint on your fingers and guided your scorched bones across paper,
to show you that blackened things still hold the privilege of color.
Jagged salt spikes ran down your face in rows and I swore something
unto the blaze that you would someday hear—
there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, darling, but keep you alive. |
_________________ FAN: Do you have an avatar--you know, one of those online personality things?
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Last edited by Sam on Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Saint Razorblade
Team SPEW Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 16 Oct 2006 Posts: 1875 Reviews: 478 Country: A ship! With me crew! 347 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
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It's Phoenix*, love.
Not going to bore you with a highly unhelpful critique. Sorry! Just had to be a spelling Nazi.
(It's the town I live in. I'm a little protective of it, hah)
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________ "Woohoo! I was a homeless blackout drunk!" - Craig Ferguson
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Sythe
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Apr 2008 Posts: 64 Reviews: 42 Country: USA 0 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
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Sam,
This was a wonderful poem. I loved the whole morale of it. Just brilliant and sweet at the same time. I especially loved the last line. Really good.
One thing that I think this could use is a little more rhythm. It's like a heartbeat of such - thump, thump, thump. See how you read that? You read (hopefully) each thump with the same pause between each. This poem doesn't really have anything like that. It's just basically a couple of well crafted setences stuck in a poem formation. Make it have meaning - have value.
Hope you didn't take this too harshly. If you did, I'm sorry! I really liked it.
:Sythe: |
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 821 Reviews: 345 Country: There's just me. 235 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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Hello there, Sam. ^^
This is a gorgeous little poem, and you've only had two comments? (one being Saintifiction) Shocking! Not to be mistaken, I'm of no use. ^^
I adore this. Thoroughly and completely. You've created this feeling that just stuck with me as I read it, and I adore how you've dealt with the idea. You imagery is complete and beautiful, tactile and gritty.
One niggle that comes to me is in your last line;
"there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you, darling, but keep you alive."
There's something about this that gets to me. I'm not sure.. but I think the length is a factor. It doesn't hit as well as an end line should, I feel. I think that the last line needed a hard impact, but this line lacked it.
All in all, though. I love this. Nice work. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 720 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 345 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Nicly done and very creative! Great job. |
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CK Lynn
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 18 Jan 2007 Posts: 315 Reviews: 200 Country: United States 341 Points
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Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 31 Dec 2007 Posts: 245 Reviews: 86
300 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Very nice! I liked basically everything about it! |
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